Pre-Production Meeting

"Okay," the clipboard-toting Mireille Bouquet told the assembled cast of Gunslinger Girl plus extras from Noir and Full Metal Panic as well as various OCs, "Is everyone here?"

Mixed chorus of cheers, boos and grumbles sound off. In the corner of the crowd, Pinocchio is trying not to be noticed by all the hostile-looking mechanical body commandos, especially the blonde girl he'd knocked out with a lucky punch that one time. She looked to be the sort who carried grudges.

Not at all disheartened, Mireille continued. "Good. Simmer down and listen up well. A stage play based on Snow White will be our presentation for 's Christmas 2006. Let's get it done right, shall we?"

"Why not A Christmas Carol?" a familiar dissenter posed. "We can have Hilshire as Scrooge. He'd be perfect for the role."

"That's for next year, Triela-chan."

Both Triela and Hilshire grimaced, the former at the cutesy appendage Mireille added to her name, the latter at his future role as grumpiness personified.

Mireille begins ticking off items on her clipboard aloud. "Okay. First off, and most importantly, we have Freda Claes Johansson as Snow White."

The star of the play didn't even bother to look up from the hardbound copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales. (The original, uncut, meant-for-adults-as-a-serious-historical-compilation-of-local-myths version. Where Rapunzel and the Prince graphically consummated their first meeting with more than just kisses and a maid is boiled alive in a vat of oil. Claes claimed it was a scholarly familiarization exercise. Everyone else wasn't so sure. Luke, especially, was a bit scared.)

"How did you happen on that decision?" Jean was not protesting, just curious as to the choice of actresses.

"It's necessity. Snow White had black hair. Only Claes, Angie and Liesel have dark hair. Angie's too small and cute, and she wanted to be a Sprite." That was what the Dwarves in this version of the play were called. "And this story wouldn't be as interesting with Liesel as Snow White as. We want people to take notice and enjoy."

"Good point," Jean conceded. Aside, Claes wasn't so sure if the adults were praising her or making fun of her. She suspected the latter but kept quiet. Revenge was a dish best served cold.

"Thank you, Jean." Mireille continued. "The sprites are 'Etta as Bashful, Rico as Happy, Angie as Sleepy, Petrushka as Doc, Beatrice as Sneezy, Carol as Dopey and Terra as Grumpy."

The last muttered something beneath her breath at the stupid (and apt) role slated for her.

"Elena and Elsa are court ladies. Liesel is the dead Mother of Snow White. And last but not least–"

"WAIT!"

The sea of mechanical body children instantly parted as a particularly furious tanned blonde girl stomped through.

Steam jetted out of Triela's ears. Her ponytails almost stood on end in fury. "Why am I the evil stepmother?" she angrily demanded.

"Because it fits you," both Mireille and (as expected) Hilshire answered at the same time with all due honesty and not one whit of rancor.

Triela glared at her handler for being so (un)helpful. Stupid Victor…

Hah, Hilshire thought in rather childish glee, this is better than upping her conditioning…

"Now for the boys." Mireille smiled rather wickedly. "Obviously, having Claes as Snow White automatically makes Luke her Prince Charming."

Meir a.k.a. Emilio, Giuseppe (the Amalgam cyborg, not the Section Two handler) and Alpha poked and elbowed the rightly embarrassed Luke in the ribs.

"Ow! Hey! Stop that! You guys…"

"Giuseppe plays the kind-hearted hunter. Meir will play the role of the magic mirror."

The first boy went "Good enough, I guess." The second went "Eh?"

"Alpha and Aharon will play court nobles alongside Elena and Elsa…"

"BUT I WANTED BIG BROTHER AS A PARTNER!!" complained Elena.

Giuseppe grimaced. Henrietta frowned.

"Sorry, boys," teasingly added Mireille, "But you won't get paired with your girlfriends in this one."

Giuseppe, Henrietta, Elena, Meir and Rico all blushed or put on long faces of disappointment. Everyone else chuckled.

"Finally, playing the King and husband to the evil stepmother Queen," here Mireille barely suppressed the urge to laugh aloud, though she did gesture grandly to the (un)lucky lad who didn't see it coming: "Pinocchio!"

Everyone did a double-take and went "WHAT??"

The loudest, of course, was Triela (though the shocked Pinocchio came in a close second). "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE PAIRED WITH HIM?"

"Because the script said so," Mireille said simply.

"Who wrote this stupid script anyway?"

Out of Triela's immediate lethal range, eight tons of invisible Venom battle robot wrapped around him, Rolito snickered meanly.

"For the adults: Marco Toni will be the narrator, Jean is the stage manager, Chiefs Lorenzo and Fermi (since no one wants Draghi appearing here to spoil the fun) and General Bradley are the producers, Priscilla and Elenora assists me and I direct. Everyone else plays stage hands and support crew. Does everyone know their roles now?"

Various responses, some negative, some positive. Terra swore like a sailor while the rest of the "Sprites" celebrated and Elena pestered Giuseppe. Meanwhile Alpha, Aharon and Meir chased the frantically fleeing Pinocchio. The high mark, however, was Triela. The blonde girl practically smoldered with rage as she swore revenge upon the thousandth-time-damned scriptwriter who forced her into this horrid role alongside the guy who poked her eye out the last time they rumbled.

Mireille translated this hubbub as a general "Yes" and clapped aloud.

"Excellent! Let's get this done, shall we? Break a leg, everyone!"

I'd break the scriptwriter's leg, Triela hotly thought.

And so begins…

Snow Claes And The Seven Cyborg Sprites

A Gunslinger Girl Christmas Presentation

Starring

Freda Claes Johansson as Snow White

Luke as Prince Charming

Triela as the Evil Stepmother Witch

Stage Play Written by

Rolito Miranda

Produced by

Chiefs Lorenzo and Pietro Fermi of the Italian Social Welfare Service/Political Warfare Division

General Bradley Nowell of the United States Army Special Operations Command

Directed by

Mireille Bouquet

Ultra Directed by

Sheo Darren

Ultra Ultra Directed by

Suzumiya Haruhi

Original Characters provided by

Nachtsider (Aharon, Meir)

Colonel Marksman (Carol, Terra, their handlers)

Sintendo (Gen. Bradley Nowell)

Sheo Darren (Rolito, Giuseppe, Elena)

Boomer Gonzales (Alpha)

Disclaimer

Neither Rolito nor Sheo owns Gunslinger Girl, Noir or Full Metal Panic. This is a fan fiction and a parody.