Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs.
My Holiday
"JD, you gonna be back soon, man?"
I turn away to talk into the cell. My mouth opens and closes for a moment, trying to remember how to speak. God, it's cold. I've been out here for hours. But I drove for so long to get here…I feel like I should stay as long as possible. After all, I only make it out once a year.
"Uh…" I trail off. "Yeah. Tomorrow morning," I tell him, realizing it's dark now and it's going to take me all night to drive back. I grimace. I'm already tired—this is going to suck.
"Good. Kelso moved your shift to tomorrow morning at nine—a whole bunch of people copped out, since it's Christmas Eve and all, so you better get here fast." He pauses for a moment, and I can hear Carla talking to him. "Carla says to give her the phone," he says, and I can practically see the eye roll from the other end of the phone.
"Hey, Bambi. Bad day to take a road trip, it's going to snow tonight," she says concernedly.
A lump forms in my throat. Of course there'd be a snow storm tonight, if only to mock me with the irony. "Really?" I ask numbly, my teeth starting to chatter. Oh, son of a nutcracker, it's freezing out here. What was I thinking?
"I just wanted to say be careful, okay?"
The words sound ominous coming from Carla's usually sassy, Jenny-from-the-block mouth. But I know nothing will happen to me out on the road…lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice.
I rev up the engine, my eyes salty with tears. "G'bye, buddy," I say, backing my car out of the parking lot.
The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go
The snow starts to fall down on the windshield. I speed the wipers up, unwilling to look at it a moment more.
C'mon and see, JD, it's snowing outside…do you think school'll be closed tomorrow?
Be careful, I remind myself, thinking of Carla's words. It's pitch black outside on the long, stretching road. I'm all alone, but I prefer it this way. I can't even talk to Turk about it…it's been years and years, and I still can't. It's personal.
I let out a long yawn, and crank the heat up a bit more. I'm still so cold. My fingers are completely numb. How long was I out there for? Ten hours, eleven? I shiver again. Damn it, I hate snow so much it's almost enough to burn the ice cold feeling in my limbs clear off of me. Snow ruins everything. Sure, it's perfect while it's falling. Beautiful. Picturesque. Even I, as the manly man that I am, can admit that…
But as soon as it's hit the ground, it's tainted. It's not ethereal and falling from the heavens. It's frightening. It destroys people.
I can imagine his face in my head, staring out into the darkness of the open road. Like it was yesterday…What happened to us? Why did it have to end the way it did?
I should probably call Dan. I should probably call anyone. I'm so sick of being alone in this—even Dan can't possibly understand how hard this was for me, how hard it still is even after a decade has passed. But I'm so tired. I can hardly stay awake. Why am I so stupid? I should just pull over, get a little sleep in the car—but I have a shift tomorrow.
Mom's already asking Dan what he wants to major in for college…I don't think he's gonna go. I dunno if I'm going to go. I don't want to be one of those people all wrapped up in their careers…
All I want to do is stop the car and scream my lungs out at the injustice, but I keep driving. I owe him that much.
It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long
I'm about halfway home and the snow starts to fall harder, staining the road. No one else is out. They all have the sense to be at home, warm by the fire or some crap like that.
Me? I'm thinking of our last Christmas together. He was so happy that day. He was always the livelier one, the one that lit up the room. I was just the klutz. I got cheap laughs occasionally. But not him…he was something special.
It's weird to me that his face will always stay the same in my mind—a fifteen-year-old boy with his head thrown back in the midst of a spasm of laughter—while I've grown up, become the person we pledged not to become. Sometimes I feel like I let him down by becoming "that guy" who gets all wrapped up in their career…but it's not like that.
Besides, it's his fault. If it weren't for…the accident…I might not even be a doctor at all.
The car skids. I yelp in surprise, then remember to stay calm. It's not like before. It's not like before at all. It's fine…it's…
My wheels continue to skid, but I know not to hit the brakes and make it worse. I replayed the first accident over and over again in my head, how we could have avoided it, how we could have made it through okay. I know how to deal with emergencies now…damn it to hell if I didn't.
The car comes to a safe stop, stuck in a muddy embankment, but even thought I'm not hurt my heart is beating wildly.
JD? JD, are you okay? I think I'm stuck…aw, shit…
I start gasping for air. Is this what it feels like to hyperventilate? I clutch the steering wheel hard, trying to control the dizziness that's suddenly taken over my senses. I don't want to feel…I don't want to remember…
More than anything, though, I don't want to be alone. I can't take it anymore. I really can't.
I pick up the phone and start dialing.
And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by
"Hello?"
It's Carla. For some reason I didn't expect her to be the one to answer. "Hey…c-could I talk to Turk?" I gasp out, trying not to sound like a total wimp. It's cold in here, even with the heat on. I don't think I'll ever feel warm again. I'll be here all night, I can already tell.
"Are you okay?" Carla asks worriedly.
"I'm fine," I lie, taking deep breaths. My throat catches. I'm crying. When was the last time I cried? What the hell is wrong with me? It's just like any other year, driving over to…oh, god, I wish I was at the apartment.
"JD, what's the matter?" she demands.
What do you mean, CD's dead? I don't believe you…I—I don't…just leave me alone…
It makes me want to cry harder. "I…I…" I stammer. "I'm stuck," I say ashamedly. "On the side of the road. I skidded off—"
"Oh my God, are you hurt?"
"No," I tell her immediately. "It's just…is Turk home?" I ask desperately.
"No, he isn't," she says, concern still evident in her voice. "I'd pick you up myself, but he's got the car at the hospital. Oh, you poor thing...but why the hell were you even taking a road trip by yourself at this time of year?" she scolds me in a motherly way.
I wait a moment before finally admitting, "I had to visit my brother."
"Dan? But I thought he was coming next week for—"
"Not Dan," I say miserably. I've held it in too long. I'm so sick of feeling this by myself, with no one to understand why I can't be happy when winter frosts the dew of the grass. I smile bitterly. I used to love crunching them when I was a kid…before…God, I was sick of these excuses. I'd tell them why. Why I'll never be happy at Christmas, and why I'll always hate the snow. "My…my twin brother."
"JD…are you sure you're not hurt?"
"Yes. I'm sure," I say shakily. "Just cold."
"Where are you?"
I read her the exit sign.
"Alright. Don't move. I'll…I'll get someone out there, alright?" she assures me. "You're going to be fine, okay?"
Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love
I rest my forehead on the steering wheel. The car's dead. It's freezing…it's too cold to cry. It's still snowing, and the windshield covers with the white crap, boxing me in. I don't bother to wipe it away.
"I'm sorry," I moan between my tensed, chattering teeth. "Cameron…I'm so sorry."
It's been hours and hours. I'll probably never be found. My fingers are numb, my cell phone's dead. When did that happen? Holy shit…it's been more than a day. No wonder the car's dead, I left it on with the heat all night. It's now…the next night.
My throat tightens. I've probably worried everyone sick. I hope they're not panicking…but I hope they're looking for me. I don't know how much longer I can stand the cold. I've never been so miserable in my life.
Scratch that. I had been.
Just when I'm going to close my eyes and pray for death, someone knocks a fist on the door, shaking snow off of it.
"Newbie?"
"Dr. Cox!" I yell out, my voice rasped. I try to open the door, but it's frozen over. The two of us shove and pull at it until it comes undone and I practically fall out of the car, so happy for human contact.
"Geezus, kid," he says in disbelief, giving me a once over. He takes off his jacket and wraps it around me. It doesn't help much, but I try to smile at him. My lips crack from the cold; when I reach up to feel them, I can feel the blood.
"What the hell were you thinking?" he near screams at me, his face contorted with fury and relief. "We've been driving around for two days looking for you!"
Two days? I shake my head. "T-two?"
"Damn it, kid, we thought you were dead."
Dead…he can't be dead…oh, God…CD…Cameron…
Tears well up in my eyes.
"I hope whatever little 'me time' road trip thing you had in mind was worth it," he snarls. "Honest to god, your twenty-nine years old without a girlfriend or any knowledge of any person outside of the hospital who tolerates you. Where the hell could you possibly go, besides the nail salon?" he sneers.
I try to keep my expression neutral and ignore him. But I can feel myself letting go….I'm I'm too tired to stop now.
So I let my tears fall in shame, saying quietly, "It was worth it."
He stops yelling, catches his breath. When he talks again, he's much calmer and even…sympathetic. "C'mon, Newbie," he says gruffly, putting an arm around my shoulder to help me to his car. I know I'm too cold by now to make it on my own, and I'm grateful he understands. "Let's get you home before your brain vessels freeze."
Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there
I keep drifting in and out of sleep, dreaming. I remember it like it was yesterday. Cameron and I had just received learner's permits. We went out to practice and it started to snow. I told him…I didn't want to drive…
"I called Carla and she's handling everything," Dr. Cox informs me.
"Oh," I say thickly, feeling like a Neanderthal. A cold one, at that. "Th-thanks."
"I'm taking you to the hospital," he tells me. "You're sick."
I shake my head. "Just cold."
"The heat's up all the way," Dr. Cox says. "If your still cold your either an anorexic model with no skin—and buh-elieve me, Candace, I've wondered about you sometimes—or you might, heaven forbid, have some sort of illness."
"It's snowing."
He grunts in annoyance. "Way to stay on topic. I said we're taking you to the hospital. Did you become an immigrant from Monkeyville while you froze your ass off, or is English still your first language?"
"I hate snow…" I mutter.
He doesn't say anything, snarling.
"Killed my twin brother," I say, laughter bubbling in my throat.
A beat passes in our conversation. "Excuse me?" he prompts me.
I'm crying again. I can't help it. I just…have to talk to someone. Even if it's Dr. Cox. I already feel crappy enough right now. "M-my twin. Identical. His…his name w-was Cameron. C-called him CD."
I can tell Dr. Cox is choosing his words carefully. "What happened?" he asks, without the usual edge in his voice.
"I…I didn't want to drive," I croak out, choking up. "I didn't want to. It was s-snowing outside…and…" My body starts to wrack in a fit of what could either be sobbing, coughing, or a mix of the two. I feel like a stupid animal, blubbering in Dr. Cox's car. Any respect he had for me is lost, I can tell now. "He…made me drive on that road. A man sk-skidded at the intersection…it was snowing…I hate…the s-snow…"
I feel myself drifting off again. I'm so tired. It's a mistake, telling my story to Dr. Cox. He doesn't care. Nobody does. It just doesn't matter. I close my eyes.
"What happened, JD?" Dr. Cox asks, his voice near a whisper.
I force myself to fight the exhaustion. "Hit us. The man. Hit the p-passenger side." I swallow hard. "If I hadn't b-been driving, he wouldn't have…he wouldn't have died…" Suddenly some unknown passion rises within me, and I say dejectedly, "I go to his grave every year…on the d-day he d-died. So…yes. It was w-worth it. I'm sorry."
And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by
"Does anyone even know?"
I shake my head. "No…I've…never said anything. But I…I miss him. I can't b-believe it wasn't me."
"I'll never meet your brother, JD, but let me tell you this—it wasn't your fault. And I'm sure your brother agrees with me. So…just…quit your crying, you couldn't have done anything to prevent it."
I look down at my feet. I'm so tired.
"And Newbie…if you had died that day…" He trails off like he's not going to finish the sentence, but finally he takes a deep breath and says, "If you had died that day, that hospital would be ten times more the hellhole it already is."
I feel a little warmer inside at those words. I even manage to smile. "Th-thanks," I say weakly.
"Blow it out your ass, kid."
"C-can I sleep now?"
He laughs sharply, uncomfortably. "Yeah. Go ahead. We're almost there, though."
I don't care. I want to sleep more than anything in the world. When I sleep, I can be with Cameron for a moment or two before I wake.
"Oh, and Jillian?" he adds, causing me to jerk a bit.
"Yeah?" I ask groggily. He's staring at the car's clock—midnight.
"Merry Christmas."
Yeah, I know, this is practically the fifteen bajillionth fic I've had a car accident related tragedy. And the second JD's-dead-twin fic I've had. BUT this was different, see? Because it was a BOY twin, and I made it take place AFTER the inital angst-fest. This fic may have been confusing because parts of the back story are "subtly" hidden in the text, meaning if you miss something you might not get it laterz...anyway...review :D