Reason #7: The Running Commentary

You know, I don't think you're doing it quite right, Youko observed, leaning over Shuuichi's metaphorical shoulder and peering at the female currently pinned under him with clinical interest. If I were you I'd be using a bit more tongue on the neck.

You are me, so just shut up, Shuuichi mumbled. Go away, Youko.

Really, cars aren't the best place to do this kind of thing, Youko mused, his tails wagging thoughtfully. I've never enjoyed having sex in close quarters myself. No room to manoeuvre. That, and tentacles and horns wouldn't fit. I do like youkai with tentacles. Octopus youkai, mmmm. Hey, do you remember the one in Kalgon seven hundred years ago?

Youko, Shuuichi hissed, understandably distracted, I DO NOT want to remember the octopus youkai! I'll be scarred for life!

But she was succcch fuuun. All those tentacles……it was like an orgy of two. Youko leered, then sniffed disdainfully. Not like this one. I mean, all those squeaky sounds? Not interesting at all. She sounds like a dying pig. Really, I much prefer the tentacles.

Yeah, but at least I don't have to worry about getting ink up my nose at a sensitive moment!

Details, details, Youko said dismissively. Look at the big picture.

You're a lecher.

You're surprised? Youko paused for a second. You might want to do this……he sent a fairly graphic image into Shuuichi's mind. Not quite the same, he cautioned. A bit to the left. She's only got two breasts, after all. But then again, you don't have a tail, so I suppose that's just as well. I don't suppose you would want to grow a tail for this? I could show you how.

No tails. No fangs. No claws. ……and none of that either, Shuuichi added hastily to the next suggestion.

Aww. You're really not adventurous, are you?

No, I'm just rather sure that human physiology isn't built to take that kind of thing. ……and would you stop talking to me?!

But I'm bored!

I'm not. Sod off. I can't focus.

Youko pouted. Come on. Aren't you supposed to be a multitasker?

This is not a thing one should multitask at, Shuuichi gritted.

But see, you've been talking to me the whole time, so clearly it's not good enough to hold your full attention……you know, the licking seems to work. But really, that perfume! Too strong. I prefer something more woodsy. And he sneezed, discreetly and pointedly. Snff. Snff.

Youko!

Calling my name in the middle of sex? Why, Shuuichi, I didn't think you felt that way about me!

PERVERT!

You said it, red. Youko tapped a contemplative finger against his lip. You know, I don't think these humans are right for you. You need a nice youkai. Someone who can keep up with you, and who hopefully doesn't bore me to death either. Hmmm. Oi, I don't suppose I could interest you in Yomi, could I?

No, Shuuichi said. It was bad enough with the memories of the two of you. No way. No.

And dear Yusuke is taken. And I don't think you really like Yukina much. Not that way.

Shuuichi shook his head frantically.

'Is something wrong, baby?' the woman cooed.

'No, nothing.'

'You looked horrified for a moment.'

'I'm fine.'

'Come here then, sweetie-cakes.'

Activities resumed.

Inside Shuuichi's head, Youko sniggered. Snh. Snh. Snh.

Shut up!

Sweetie-cakes? Honestly, why do all your girlfriends feel compelled to call you some disgusting pet name?

Never mind. And how could you suggest Yukina?

It's easy. I project a thought, you receive it……

That's not what I meant! If Hiei found out I was putting the moves on his sister – or even thinking about putting the moves on her – he'd turn me into crisps! Or dice me!

Hiei! Youko exclaimed.

Exactly. Hiei. Shuuichi paused, suspicious. Eh, what?

Hiei! That's just the right one for you! I mean, look at him! All that tasty cuteness. And those strong hands, and that voice………mmmm. Oh, yes. We should definitely go after him, red. He'd be hot. Youko smirked. In more ways than one, I suppose. I always did like the feisty ones.

Hiei?! Shuuichi yelped. Unfortunately, due to a certain amount of twiddling by a certain fox, he said it aloud.

'What?' she spat, shocked.

'What?' he replied, even more shocked.

'You called out someone else's name!' she seethed. 'Get off me!'

Still numbed by Youko's last statement, he only jerked back to reality when the steering wheel hit his head. The girl climbed out of the car, spitting mad, and rearranged her clothing as she stalked away.

Well, that's that, Youko said unrepentantly, oblivious to Shuuichi's glare. And now, about that delicious little half-breed……

A/N: Dedicated to Xiassen for giving me this idea. As always, suggestions are welcome!