TITLE: Buffy Python's Vampire Circus - The Series
AUTHOR: BulldogPhilbo
FEEDBACK: Liked it? Laughed at it? Laughed at me for writing it? Let me know!
RATING: R (just in case - could be language issues and such ahead)
SUMMARY: This will serve as a collection for any and all pieces of Montyfic I write from here on out. Every time I write some more, I'll whack it in here as a new chapter.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that has anything to do with Buffy or Monty Python. I'm just borrowing some of the characters for my own amusement, and I'm making no money from writing this fic (although I always accept cash from willing donors - hint hint).
DISTRIBUTION: You want it? You can have it. Just let me know where to see it.
DEDICATION: This fic's for SpikeLover, the biggest Spike fan I know (she has the cherished Spike doll to prove it).
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Riley fans should be warned that some of these pieces of Montyfic contain elements of Riley-bashing, so tread carefully. Buffy/Xander 'shippers will probably enjoy some of these Montyfics better than the Riley fans.
***
A deserted Sunnydale street at night. Spike is leaning up against a wall, smoking a cigarette.
GILES: (v.o.) This is Spike. Spike is a vampire. A small town vampire. Tonight, we look at the importance of vampires in small towns.
SPIKE: Well, I've been living here in Sunnydale for a few years now, and I feel very keenly that the vampire is an important part of the small town system, and as such, has a vital role to play in a modern small town society, because you see ... oh, excuse me a second.
A man comes walking along, and Spike grabs the man, vamps out, and sinks his fangs into the man's neck, drinking his blood. Once he has completely drained the man, Spike drops the body to the pavement, and leans up against the wall again.
SPIKE: There is this very real need in small towns like Sunnydale for someone whom almost anyone can look at and be scared to death by, and as a vampire, this is the role that ... oh, hang on.
An old lady comes shuffling by, and Spike vamps out, and bites the lady before she can even drop her handbag. After draining her, he drops her to the ground beside the man he drained earlier, and leans against the wall again, pulling another smoke out of his pocket.
SPIKE: This is the role that I and vampires like me have fulfilled in Sunnydale for the past four hundred years.
Riley comes along.
SPIKE: Evening, Riley. Nice night for it.
RILEY: Hey, Spike. Yes, splendid.
Spike watches Riley with pride as he continues on his way.
SPIKE: That's Riley. He's another vampire. I turned him. Did him the world of good. He's a lot more interesting to hang around these days. And so you see, the vampire does provide a vital evil-social service for this town.
***
Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike is inside, dressed in black T-shirt and black leather pants, practicing scary poses.
GILES: (v.o.) Spike takes vampiring seriously. He is up at six o'clock every evening, working on special poses and threatening gestures designed to keep him scary. And of course, he takes great pride in his appearance.
Spike throws on his duster and leaves the crypt.
GILES: (v.o.) Now finished with his preparations, and ready for another productive night of killing and maiming, Spike puts on his favoured black leather duster, and heads out into the night.
***
Cut to another dark street. Spike walks along in a menacing way, looking for potential victims.
GILES: (v.o.) Like the doctor, the blacksmith, the carpenter, Spike is an important figure in this village, and - like them - he uses the local bank.
Cut to the front of the bank in broad daylight. A sign above the entrance reads "SUNNYDALE TOWN BANK". A figure huddled under a large blanket runs into the bank. People scatter and run like frightened mice when they see who's under the blanket.
***
Cut to Willow, standing just outside the bank.
CAPTION: 'W. ROSENBERG - BANK MANAGER'
WILLOW: Yes, we have quite a number of vampires banking here.
GILES: (v.o.) What kind of money is there in vampiring?
WILLOW: Well, nowadays, a really scary vampire can make anything up to five hundred thousand dollars a year. Nothing comes easier to a vampire than intimidating a typical, easily frightened human into emptying out the contents of their wallets or their purses.
***
Cut to a college lecture hall. Spike is at the front of the room, giving a lecture to a group of vampires who are seated in the rows of chairs. Riley is among them.
GILES: (v.o.) Spike is no ordinary vampire. He works part-time, for extra cash, teaching a night class to newly-turned vampires on the finer points of vampirism. But what of the vampire's private life? How about his relationship with women?
***
Cut to Spike lying in bed in his crypt. He has Drusilla on one arm, and Harmony on the other. Both of them are drinking from deep gashes on either side of his face.
SPIKE: Well, I may be a vampire, but I'm not dead.
AUTHOR: BulldogPhilbo
FEEDBACK: Liked it? Laughed at it? Laughed at me for writing it? Let me know!
RATING: R (just in case - could be language issues and such ahead)
SUMMARY: This will serve as a collection for any and all pieces of Montyfic I write from here on out. Every time I write some more, I'll whack it in here as a new chapter.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that has anything to do with Buffy or Monty Python. I'm just borrowing some of the characters for my own amusement, and I'm making no money from writing this fic (although I always accept cash from willing donors - hint hint).
DISTRIBUTION: You want it? You can have it. Just let me know where to see it.
DEDICATION: This fic's for SpikeLover, the biggest Spike fan I know (she has the cherished Spike doll to prove it).
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Riley fans should be warned that some of these pieces of Montyfic contain elements of Riley-bashing, so tread carefully. Buffy/Xander 'shippers will probably enjoy some of these Montyfics better than the Riley fans.
***
A deserted Sunnydale street at night. Spike is leaning up against a wall, smoking a cigarette.
GILES: (v.o.) This is Spike. Spike is a vampire. A small town vampire. Tonight, we look at the importance of vampires in small towns.
SPIKE: Well, I've been living here in Sunnydale for a few years now, and I feel very keenly that the vampire is an important part of the small town system, and as such, has a vital role to play in a modern small town society, because you see ... oh, excuse me a second.
A man comes walking along, and Spike grabs the man, vamps out, and sinks his fangs into the man's neck, drinking his blood. Once he has completely drained the man, Spike drops the body to the pavement, and leans up against the wall again.
SPIKE: There is this very real need in small towns like Sunnydale for someone whom almost anyone can look at and be scared to death by, and as a vampire, this is the role that ... oh, hang on.
An old lady comes shuffling by, and Spike vamps out, and bites the lady before she can even drop her handbag. After draining her, he drops her to the ground beside the man he drained earlier, and leans against the wall again, pulling another smoke out of his pocket.
SPIKE: This is the role that I and vampires like me have fulfilled in Sunnydale for the past four hundred years.
Riley comes along.
SPIKE: Evening, Riley. Nice night for it.
RILEY: Hey, Spike. Yes, splendid.
Spike watches Riley with pride as he continues on his way.
SPIKE: That's Riley. He's another vampire. I turned him. Did him the world of good. He's a lot more interesting to hang around these days. And so you see, the vampire does provide a vital evil-social service for this town.
***
Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike is inside, dressed in black T-shirt and black leather pants, practicing scary poses.
GILES: (v.o.) Spike takes vampiring seriously. He is up at six o'clock every evening, working on special poses and threatening gestures designed to keep him scary. And of course, he takes great pride in his appearance.
Spike throws on his duster and leaves the crypt.
GILES: (v.o.) Now finished with his preparations, and ready for another productive night of killing and maiming, Spike puts on his favoured black leather duster, and heads out into the night.
***
Cut to another dark street. Spike walks along in a menacing way, looking for potential victims.
GILES: (v.o.) Like the doctor, the blacksmith, the carpenter, Spike is an important figure in this village, and - like them - he uses the local bank.
Cut to the front of the bank in broad daylight. A sign above the entrance reads "SUNNYDALE TOWN BANK". A figure huddled under a large blanket runs into the bank. People scatter and run like frightened mice when they see who's under the blanket.
***
Cut to Willow, standing just outside the bank.
CAPTION: 'W. ROSENBERG - BANK MANAGER'
WILLOW: Yes, we have quite a number of vampires banking here.
GILES: (v.o.) What kind of money is there in vampiring?
WILLOW: Well, nowadays, a really scary vampire can make anything up to five hundred thousand dollars a year. Nothing comes easier to a vampire than intimidating a typical, easily frightened human into emptying out the contents of their wallets or their purses.
***
Cut to a college lecture hall. Spike is at the front of the room, giving a lecture to a group of vampires who are seated in the rows of chairs. Riley is among them.
GILES: (v.o.) Spike is no ordinary vampire. He works part-time, for extra cash, teaching a night class to newly-turned vampires on the finer points of vampirism. But what of the vampire's private life? How about his relationship with women?
***
Cut to Spike lying in bed in his crypt. He has Drusilla on one arm, and Harmony on the other. Both of them are drinking from deep gashes on either side of his face.
SPIKE: Well, I may be a vampire, but I'm not dead.