Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, obviously.
My only excuse is that lately, I have been writing more serious stuff, and needed to do something a bit lighter. Loosely based on the Sex Ed challenge.
So here we go.
Yet Another Sex Ed Story
Severus Snape lifted his eyes from the Daily Prophet he had been pretending to read when Minerva McGonagall stomped into the Teachers' Lounge after lunch. That was very unusual. Not the fact that Minerva came to the lounge but that she stomped. She made her way towards Snape and sat down to the chair next to his. Snape folded the paper and placed it on the small table by his armchair.
"Do you have it, Severus?"
Snape felt like smirking but decided it was safer to do it only internally. It was a sight to see Minerva McGonagall speak from the corner of her mouth in very conspirative manner. He pulled a small vial out of the pocket of his voluminous robes and without a word handed it to the woman. She swiftly hid the calming draught into her sleeve.
"Are you ready?" She asked.
"As ready as one can be." He couldn't believe it was yet again that time of the year.
Minerva slumped against the back of her armchair and gave a long sigh, a sign she wanted to talk about it. He decided to humour her.
"You have the easy part. At least you don't need to face a room full of fifteen year old boys who are too hormonal to pay attention to any word you say."
Oh gods how much he hated this task. When he took over as the Potions Master and the Head of Slytherin House he didn't even dream that this would be one of his duties. (And conveniently, Headmaster Dumbledore had forgotten to mention about it.) After all, at his day, the students had been left to find out about certain facts of life on their own. He did admit that it wasn't the most effective method. Or in a way, was a bit too effective.
He remembered in embarrassment the first time he had given THE TALK. It had been utterly humiliating.
Minerva sniggered.
"What a distorted picture you have of the opposite sex. I believe it would be educational for you if you had to give the lecture to the young ladies of Hogwarts, at least for once. You can't believe what kind of questions they can come up with!" She sounded slightly exasperated.
"In fact…" Her eyes started to twinkle in a rather mischievous manner. "If we had some Polyjuice Potion…" She left the sentence hanging
"Don't be ridiculous." He scolded her.
"What, Severus, are you afraid of few adolescent girls?"
xxx
So far everything had gone fine. Especially when Minerva had given him shoes with no heels. The corset was rather uncomfortable, but he would be rid of it soon enough. He didn't understand how Minerva could wear such a torture instrument. She had had to help him to put it on. Working on these things from the outside was much easier!
He had given the usual lecture and the girls had listened attentively. Well, except for Miss Parkinson who had been filing her nails under the desk until he had mentioned about it. Miss Parkinson, if any, should pay attention to what he was saying.
So far he had covered the basics of anatomy (both male and female), the forms of contraception and the most common venereal diseases. There had been much less snickering than with boys and he wondered what Minerva had meant. Momentarily he felt pity when he thought of her giving the lecture to the hormone driven young men.
He gave a look over Minerva's glasses and schooled her features into an expression he hoped was forbidding.
"Any questions?"
It was Miss Greengrass who nervously stated the question he had been expecting. He himself had only second hand knowledge on the subject. Yes, very likely it would hurt. But only the first time. It would help if you relaxed. Then he gave The Speech about trust and choosing the right time and the importance of the right person. A lecture quite a few wouldn't follow, he suspected.
He was already feeling hopeful that it would be all, but he had been too optimistic: apparently this question had opened the gates and others started to flood in. Really, Minerva was way too lenient with her classes if the students were comfortable with asking her these kinds of questions!
With Minerva's face his Death Glare didn't work quite as well as it should.
Miss Granger wanted to know what was the most effective of the contraception potions and whether there were some side effects like with Muggle remedies. Miss Parkinson wanted to know about coitus interruptus. Honestly, even Draco could not be that simple. Narcissa would never forgive him if he let her precious son impregnate the silly chit while under his care.
"Miss Parkinson." He started. "The people who trust that particular contraception method in a long term - and sometimes even in a short term – tend to have a special name. Do you know what that is?"
Miss Parkinson shook her head.
"They are called parents."
The girl looked quite concerned while processing that information, but he better give Draco a proper talking to as well.
Things started to go downhill from there.
Encouraged, the students continued with more curious questions. He thought he had hit the rock bottom when Miss Bulstrode of all the people wanted to know about certain positions that needed a lot of free space in all directions and a broom.
Needless to say he advised against even trying it. Though the explanations to Madame Pomfrey would be priceless.
A worrying question crossed his mind. Where did these girls get this information? He checked the boys' dormitories in regular basis and usually got at least two copies of Playwizard as a reward for his troubles, but it seemed he should pay more careful attention to the girls' rooms as well. Or maybe they were more cunning when it came to hiding their copies of Regina?
Nervous girlish giggling filled the classroom and made his teeth ache. Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil had a heated whispered conversation at the end of the third row. Ignoring Patil's fiery protests Miss Brown raised her hand. Her friend went as far as trying to restrain her with physical force.
Resigned, he decided he just better get over with it.
"Yes, Miss Brown?"
"Is it true that the size of a wizard's nose compares with his… erm, member..?
Severus Snape had faced the most dangerous creatures in the whole Wizarding world. He had deceived The Dark Lord. He was a former Death Eater. But it just might be that managing not to blush crimson that day needed more self-control than anything he had endured before.
He cleared his throat. Well, Minerva's, to be more exact. The minx had deliberately led him to this situation!
"That is a very common myth." He said. "But as so many myths it has a hint of truth behind it."
He just couldn't resist. Besides, Minerva deserved that.
Miss Patil had gone beetroot red and was hiding behind her hair while most of the Slytherins and Gryffindors giggled.
xxx
Minerva cherished the look on Severus' face when he after supper burst into her office and stopped to stand in front of her desk, glowering down at her.
"You did that on purpose!"
"But Severus. I have no idea what you are talking about. Please explain?"
"I… They…"
She was going to get her money's worth from this situation. It didn't happen every day that Severus Snape was at loss of words.
"I did warn you, you know." She decided to put more water in the mill. "Let me guess. It was the question about certain parts of male anatomy compensating each other?"
"You… What… I... They ask that regularly?" He looked scandalised.
"For some reason the past few years that question has popped out quite often, and guessing from the expression on your face it did this year as well."
He blinked at that. But Minerva had no mercy.
"Curiously, somehow that topic seems to interest the girls. There was even quite a randy limerick written on the wall of the second last cubicle in fourth floor girls' bathroom. It was quite witty, actually. I should have written it down before I erased it. You obviously did not manage to see it…"
She would treasure this moment years to come. The day she made Severus Snape blush.
"Don't think it too much, dear. I have a nice bottle of wine breathing, it will calm your nerves."
A/N: Anyone more talented in poetry interested in writing the randy limerick about Snape's nose?