Disclaimer: I own nothing, which is probably a really good thing.

Warning: this story contains… --shifty eyes—Yaoi, fangirlness, Lemon content. Cid singing, Sephiroth glomping.

Written By: Roxas-For-President

Betaed By: Daemon-In-White

notes: mahhhh, i originally wrote this when i was like 13? So... i edited some of the –cough- naughtier bits.

-X-x-X- ENJOY!!! -X-x-X-

Leon was tiring. His body screamed in protest with every slight movement he made, it was so painful. His knuckles turned white underneath the leather gloves as he grasped the hilt of the gun blade. Leon brought a hand up and wiped the sweat from his brow, he had to go on. He just had to; Radiant Gardens need him to keep going. Sora – the destruction/ reparation/ destruction/ of the worlds- needed him to. Leon gritted his teeth in concentration and brought his hand down on a small object.

There was an earth shattering silence. Indeed. Then something unexpected happened: there was more silence with a touch of angst. A sudden cold breeze sent shiver up Leon's spine, he gathered the rest of his dying strength and…

'CLICK!'

"A month's worth of paperwork: now completed."

It was done. He was finished. It was all over!!! Done! Done! DONE! I tell you. Leon had to restrain himself from jumping around the room with joy; if he did it would ruin his ice prince image. If he did, he would be Sq- I mean- Leon.

Now all he had to do was go and kill Cid for not doing the brain cell killing, brain mashing, it should be made illegal work. The paperwork: mans and magical creatures alike… WORST ENEMY!! Outside of the building lighting flashed. But before Leon would go on him rampage he deserved a treat.

'Squeeetime.' He idly remembered the hyper ninja Yuffie telling him. It was strange, that girl had been spending a lot of her time on the computer lately, sometimes accompanied by Tifa or Aerith. When he thought about it, they only really got off it to eat or sleep. What was even stranger than that was the fact she tried to tie him and Cloud together. Or when both of them were in the same room they'd 'coo' and 'sigh'. Leon wanted to know why Dammit and it seems as though curiosity got better of our ice prince because he clicked on the internet history icon. Poor Leon, don't you know that saying about curiosity and the cat? Leon-kitty is dead.

In a way he was opening up Square Enix's version of Pandora's Box, but instead of releasing plagues on the world he was going to release rapid fan girls armed with studded kinky whips. Ok… where did that come? Leon's eyes twitched violently. What came onto the page shocked him into stammering. I would say silence, but that would mean that there wasn't much difference to his normal behaviour.

Online ordering for Potions, frogs … eh? The lyrics to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" … he made a mental note to ask Cid about that later. There was a foreign word after that, one that he didn't recognise. Inner-Leon was requesting for an English translation while painting his toenails pink, but we don't talk about Inner-Leon. Back to the string of foreign words. Like Oh my god! Give an English translation, please? Leon mentally locked Inner-Leon back in his cage and then reread the history icons in case he hadn't seen them properly. "Yaoi… what's this? Shonuen ai? What the?" He blinked in confusion, "Shonuen ai lemons. What!?!"

Leon shrugged his shoulders and opened the link totally missing the large, neon pink and flashing sign that Inner-Leon was frantically waving at him. Therefore, he was totally unaware that the sign said "Turn back from the evil pit of hell before it warps your mind". His eyes slowly move over the page.

-X-x-X-

A gigantic steak knife sliced the air and impaled itself in a small Barbie doll like toy. Slowly its head detached itself from the plastic shoulders and fell to the floor then it started to roll away. Strangely, the way its face had been drawn strongly represented Sephiroth. Cloud –with his foot- flipped the dolls head up in the air, and with his sword… I mean buster blade, sliced the dolls hair off which fell to the floor in tiny puffs of white. Cloud smirked, fully unaware that when he does that he looks like a Greek god… did I just write that?

No, it was a mistake, he then realized. As soon as all the Sephiroth fan girls found out what he did … well, they would mutilate him. Castrate him to be exact. How did he know? Well, let's just say that after Advent Children there were some threats made … If that happened all his fan girls would unite and rage war against the Sephiroth fan girls. And that was the last thing Cloud wanted on his conscience. For those who didn't know, yes, he has one.

Cloud was ready for anything … and then a high-pitched, unmanly cry came from the other room. Ok, maybe everything except that. He ran towards the source of the cry.

-X-x-X-
Leon leapt away from the computer like it was made from pink sparkles and tutus! Which was a terrifying thought on its own, but this was worse! (Yes, there is something worse than pink sparkles and tutus.) The corner was now officially his best friend, and so were the wall and maybe the pillow he was pathetically whimpering into this precise moment. Leon grabbed his gun blade and held it in the computer's general direction, as if threatening the felon to dare come closer.

Cloud ran into the room and looked at the strange sight before him; he then noticed Leon's eyes. The dark and light contrasts of grey were swirling with fear; Leon closed his eyes -to block out whatever mental image he had in his head- letting his eyelashes dance across his cheeks for a split second. Did Cloud just describe that?

Leon looked over at Cloud and yelled "…!"

Cloud is confused at the statement and replied, "…?"

"…!!!" Leon yelled again and pointed towards the computer with his gun blade.

"…" Cloud sighed and headed towards the computer despite Leon's silent shouts of protest. Cloud briefly glanced at the URL "www dot fan fiction dot net" and scrolled through the numerous summaries. Cloud smirked at some of the authors' names.

Cloud Kio. 'Teehee!'

AkuRokuFan. 'Whatever that meant.'

Cloud is my Uke. '...Eh?'

LeonisMine. 'Poor thing.'

Roxas-For-President. 'I'd vote for him.' Cloud backtracked, that thought was a little sick. But it did feed his paedophilic nature.

Fenrirs-good-friend. 'Now that was kinky!'

Cloud absentmindedly clicked on a story and let out a high pitched girlish scream. What he read on the screen was absolutely traumatizing, absolutely unreal.

Cloud tugged him down, now moving his hips, trying to pick up the rhythm that Leon was setting, changing his angle every other thrust. Their lips met in a frenzy; Cloud's unsure and tentative, Leons forceful and arousing, wanting. Needing... Devouring every inch of clouds, hot, tentative mouth. Cloud moaned at that and arched his back, trying to gather more friction. The simple act of arching his back was enough to have Leon's thrusts suddenly hitting the same, pleasurable, see-stars-behind-your-eyelids spot that had him screaming Leon's name out in a never-ending mantra. He broke away from Leon's mouth again and arched his back, hands scraping marks down his tanned and marred back, wrapping his legs tightly around Leon's waist, moving to meet every one of his thrusts. Leon kissed Cloud again and forcing the blond to rear back, back arching off the bed as he shouted Leon's name, mouth open and throat bared. Leon then proceeded to predatorily smirk. (Imagination queue, pounding. Shush, I'm only sixteen. Heart attack)

Cloud died that day.

Well, not exactly, but he felt like he died over and over again. What sick twisted freak would write something like that? The author slowly raises her hand. It wasn't possible, utterly impossible. Cloud had never liked Leon /that/ way. Yeah sure, he thought Leon was attractive, real good build too and had very handsome eyes. Oh and sometimes Leon's voice would make him and want to… OH GOD! Cloud restrained himself form bashing his head against the wall. Since when did he start having these thoughts… and somewhere in the real world, a fan girl is laughing.

Cloud, shocked at that utter fact, flew away from the computer and into the same corner that Leon was currently at. Leon noticed the close proximity between the blonde and himself and backed away slowly.

"They think" Leon twitched, "that Sora and Riku are gay too!"

Such evil twisted fan girls.

Cloud was going to reply, but was cut off by said teenagers appearing through the door. Riku gave his hair a careless flick and Sora fixed his clothes.

"Belts and zips are in! Get with it Riku." Sora said, inspecting his attire with great pride.

Riku gave his hair another careless flick, "Long white hair spells perfection."

"Really?" Sora said ecstatically.

"Yeah-huh! S-E-P-H-I-R-O-T-H." Riku said with a melodramatic sigh.

Sora sighed happily, "Sephiroth," he breathed out and then shouted, "he wears zips and belts too!"

Riku gasped, as if someone had tainted his herbal essence shampoo… conspiracy "The ultimate fashion prince."

"We must find him." Sora stated posing, as did Riku.

Cloud blinked as a group of fan girls jumped out from behind the couch and snapped photos of the two teens. Sora and Riku both offered flirtatious smiles, setting off a round of earth shattering screams. After the commotion had died down, Sora started to walk out of the door, Riku following very close behind waving a Sephiroth flag.

Cloud was confused, where the hell did Riku get that flag? He might purchase one himself. Leon was scared, no, he wasn't scared. Leon was terrified times infinity and beyond. He unconsciously moved closer to his blonde companion and Yuffie happened to walk through the door at that precise moment. She blinked, sidetracked and grinned at the sight in front of her. Soon, a resounding "Squeee" filled the air.

Somewhere across Radiant Gardens, a loving wife said to her husband, "Darling, did you hear that?"

Her husband responded by turning the newspaper page, "hear what, dear?"

"That noise." The woman said, "It sounded like a fan girl got her doujinshi material"

"No sweetie, I didn't." Said the man.

"Must have been the wind." The woman concluded.

Meanwhile Yuffie was rebounding off the walls, squeeing with joy. Leon thought he was frightened before, now he was scared shitless and Cloud was feeling no better. Especially when Cid came moon-walking across the room, singing "Thriller" off key.

"They planned this!!!" yelled Cloud, pulling out his buster blade

"We need to find the seem to be existing un adulterated version, rip it up, kill the author and burn all evidence that it even existed!!!!" Leon yelled back.

Then there was silence, a cricket chirped. Yuffie fainted at the fact that Leon had said an entire paragraph. Cid stared in shock and Cloud was… where was Cloud anyway?

There was a loud crash, and a shriek of metal hitting metal. The buster blade sliced through the computer system and continued to bah up the remaining metal. Leon caught on and helped bashed the offending object. The hyper active ninja recovered from her 0.02 seconds of being out-of-it, saw the commotion fell to her knees wailing and screaming "NO MY DOUJINSHI!!!"

Merlin had walked into the room to see what all the commotion was about and personally, he, along with my beta, found the sight amusing. Cloud and Leon bashing up what was left of the computer, Yuffie in hysterics and personally Merlin thought the sight of Cid singing was worst than them all.

"Oh, I see they found the collection." Merlin stated casually. A few slackened jaws which were followed by a series of awkward pauses.

"How did you know about the collection!!?" They all yelled. Merlin took it as his queue to leave at that moment.

-X-x-X- Some time later -X-x-X-

Leon was petrified, Cloud was petrified. They were both petrified beyond all reason. There was no word for it. The room was small; the room was dark except for the occasional ray of moonlight that reflected of the men's weapons.

"Should we like… give them a mood or a lubricant. Or something?' came Aerith normally sweet voice through an air vet, Cloud stiffened and held his weapon close to his body.

"Nah! Cloud can take the pain." Said the voice belonging to Tifa.

"They will star in my doujinshi and I shall shoot them into stardom," screamed Yuffie. Leon did not miss the evil laugh that came afterwards.
And all three girls wondered why Leon and Cloud would twitch in their sleep, holding onto their weapons as if they were holding onto dear life. They wondered why?

THE OH SO EVIL FANGIRLS!!!!! (Were responsible. Like, you know, in case you didn't get that line. –beta slowly raises hand-)

x-X-x

No computers were harmed in the making of this fic. However, Cloud did suffer some serious trauma, but a week in therapy has him angsting healthily again, so everything's ok. Leon was well… Leon, and invested in electroshock therapy. Cid had singing lesson, and is now performing alongside Frank Sinatra in the production "Search for Mother" co-starring Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo a.k.a the Mako Boys. Yuffie writes doujinshi for a living and is going well. Merlin suffered some major withdrawal symptoms… I'm yet to know why.

And now for the so-called 'Secret Ending', which isn't really much of a secret cuz I just told you about it … meh:

"The Not So Secret Ending."

Shadows loomed through the hallways of an apparently isolated building. Suddenly in the background, over a large P.A system the Mission Impossible theme started to play. Two slightly feminine figures dressed in painfully tight black leather body suits weaved in and out of the pillars that didn't exist before. There was a hiss of static.

"Uke?" said a voice, "Come in Uke?"

"Here Seme!" said another voice.

"Good!"

"Why am I always the Uke? I can be seme material too!!!!" the second voice complained.

"Because the fan girls can't see you topping anybody, Sora!!" said voice number one.

"What about Roxas?' asked Sora, putting a gloved hand on his hip, "I can top him!!!?'

"No! No! Roxas would dominate you!" said the other voice.

"Shut up Riku!!!!"

A figure, masculine, strong, downright sexy and Sora and Riku idly reflected 'the ultimate fashion prince!' walked out from the shadows. Sephiroth inspected his surroundings. Something wasn't right, something wasn't right at all. Sora and Riku leapt from their hiding places, and the screen goes black. There was a manly scream, and two resounding "Sephy!!!"

R&R