I opened my eyes, blinking a couple of times, thinking where am I and remembered that we were home. I looked at my lover sleeping beside me, even in sleep am the most important person to him, I could tell, by the way he holds me so close to him, the way he murmur my name even in slumber. I inched my face towards him, touching and tracing the lines of his face. Am beginning to really love this person as much as I feared that I would. One day he would realized that, I just hope his feelings for me won't change. I kissed him ever so gently, savoring the feel of his soft lips on mine. The scent of strawberries from his hair, enveloping me like my security blanket. I removed his hand from my side, planted a kiss on his palm, carefully so I won't wake him, got out of bed. Grabbed my cigarettes from the table and walked out of the room quietly.

I walked to my study and turned on my laptop, while I took out a cigarette from my pack. It's not that am in the mood to write something, I just want to write everything am feeling right now. Am not good with words, sometimes they mistook everything I say, it's only Shuichi who gets the right signals and stayed, or I prayed he did. As my laptop booted up, I touched the small sticker picture of our first date. And then I remembered something, lifted my laptop a bit and took out the piece of paper. It was a song Shuichi wrote, he printed it up and forgot about it. I kept it. Not because I think he's got the talent for writing this crap but, the words that he'd written there, he's finally seeing the real me. I chuckled quietly in my own little world, with the most important person in my life right now is next door sleeping and dreaming. Hopefully of me. I sat there. And put the piece of paper back under my laptop. And begun a journal of sorts, writing what I feel for my little brat. Maybe someday when am really well, he would get to read this. But for now, this would be just mine. And mine alone.

I begun...

My dear Shuichi,

I watched you sleeping today. Tracing the lines and curves of your wondrous face. How I love your face. You make me feel so good about myself, having you. I feel so lucky that someone as wonderful as you could love a bastard like me. I regret it sometimes that I often went overboard about pretending that I detested the sight of you when all I really wanted was to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. Why, you might ask do I do such a stupid thing? Brat, my dear brat. This is me, this is the way I am. I hate to admit it, but am a selfish bastard, I hate to realized that one day you would get tired of putting up with me and leave. I hate for that day to come, so I push and push you away, hoping that the more I push, the closer and harder you cling on to me. Am so afraid to lose you. Because I love you, brat, I love you so much! If you only knew what I really feel.

I stopped typing and saved what I wrote. I let out a sigh. Staring at nothing. I sat there and finished my cigarette, waiting for the new dawn, waiting for the new day. Waiting for my brat to wake up and we will start the cycle all over again.