Dedicated to Clarie. Because we want to make you feel special! And because we feel bad you couldn't be a part of this fic.
RE: Channel Surfing
(static)
David: (Smiles fakely) Toilet not flushing? Tub clogged? Kitchen sink spewing up more disgusting gunk than Linda Blair in The Exorcist? Sounds like you need a plumber. I fix sinks, toilets, tubs, showers, pipes, and those european things that squirt water on your ass. Call me now at 1-800-555-KING.
(static)
Alyssa: Welcome back to the Raccoon Ten 'o' clock news, I'm Alyssa Ashcroft, anchorwoman...
Ted: And I'm Ted Miller. In today's news--
Alyssa: Nevermind that! I made anchorwoman! (turns to camera 2, leans forward, points) Suck on that, Terri! (sits back down) Hmmph! Fatass bitch...
Ted: (sighs) God help us all... anyway...as I was saying, there was a riot at the football match between the--
Alyssa: And now we go live to weathergirl Terri Morales for this week's forecast and her reaction to my recent promotion.
Ted: Umm..okay...
(Switch to Camera 6 where Terri is standing in front of the weather map, a fake smile pasted over her face)
Terri: Well...we're having an unexpected heat wa--
Alyssa: Pfft! Who cares?! Tell the audience how it feels to be making...ohhh...what was it again? Oh yeah! 60 percent less than me...?
Ted: Somehow I don't think that's relevan--
Alyssa: Shut it, Ted! Let the pig answer!
Terri: Well...(grits teeth) If call getting a promotion in exchange for allowing your boss to lick mustard off the small of your back in a cheap motel room while you pretend to enjoy it something to brag about, then...yeah..I guess I'd be pretty damn jealous...
(A shoe goes flying from offscreen and hits Terri)
Terri: (rubs side of her head) What in the? A shoe, Alyssa? Really now? That (Beep)ing hurt too! What are you? A size 13?
Alyssa: Oh that's it! (Tackles Terri)
Ted: Turn off the cameras! Wait...this is kinda hot...
Cameraman: (Scoots away)
(static)
Leon: (breathes deeply and raises finger)
Ashley: What are you doing Leon?
Leon: (points at Ashley) AIDS.
Ashley: (cries)
(static)
Mark: I'm bringing sexy back!
Yoko: Like hell you are! (tackles Mark over railing)
(static)
Chris: Die Wesker! (shoots at him)
Wesker: (dodges bullet)
Chris: WTFOMGLOLBBQHAX!!?!?!
(Static)
Jill: Whether I'm running around a mansion in a slutty tube top, or running around Raccoon City in a slutty tube top, or running through an Umbrella Lab in a slutty tube top, I never have time to worry about getting white marks from cheap deodorant. That's why I always trust Degree for Sluts extra strength deodorant and anti-perspirant. Strong enough for a man, but made for a slut. (wink)
(static)
Rebecca: Its such a beautiful day! (opens closet)
Billy: (jumps out of closet) Boo!
Rebecca: AAAAHHH!!!! I think I shit myself!
Leon: (Walks up) What the hell were you doing in a closet Billy?
(static)
Annette: This is ridiculous. We should be working on the G-Virus, William.
Sherry: (pouts)...Where are we...?
William: Well...you're the one who forgot to take her birth control, Annette...
Sherry: Tell me you didn't take me to a bar...
William: ...
Annette: ...
Sherry: Tell me you're kidding..
Cindy: Welcome To J's Bar, Birthday Girl! As a special birthday treat, our cook made you a special slice of birthday cake! And I'm pretty sure he washed his hands before making it! (giggle)
Sherry: Someone adopt me...
Cindy: (Puts party sombrero on Sherry's head and all the waiters start to sing)
William: (Checks his PDA)
Annette: (Checks Make-up) Oh, cheer up Terri, this is just as good as the Olive Garden.
Sherry: It's Sherry.
Annette: Right, what did I say?
Sherry: Terri.
Alyssa: TERRRRIIIIII! (Tackles Sherry out of nowhere)
Will: Someone stop them! Wait...this is kinda hot...
Cindy: (Scoots away)
(static)
Leon: MIIIIIIIIIIIIKEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Mark: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!
Jill: JOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEPH!!!!!!
Wesker: I say, Mark's the loudest.
Mark: In your faces, cha!!! (does the in your face dance)
(static)
Claire: (Puts her "Made in Heaven" vest on Sherry) Here, put this on, it'll keep you safe...
Sherry: Thank you, Claire!
Meanwhile...
God: (Zooms in on "Made in Heaven" vest on Sherry, Spits out coffee) BLASPHEMY!
Back on the ground...
(Lightning bolt strikes Sherry)
Sherry: ...(sizzles)
Claire: ...you okay?
Sherry: You know what? (Takes off the vest and hands it to Claire) You keep it...
(static)
Krauser: Eat chicken mother fuckers!!!! (gets far too close to camera and it falls over)
Brad: AH! (runs away as Krauser draws his arm and gives chase)
(static)
(Slumber party scene)
Ada: So...Mr. X...or Wesker?
Jill: Depends...would they try to kill me?
Alexia: They'd be drugged.
Jill: Oh, okay...well then..I guess...(gulp)...Wesker.
Ada, Alexia & Rebecca: Ooooooooh! You like Wesker!
Jill: No I don't! (giggles) Okay Ada, it's your turn..
Ada: Both.
Rebecca: What?!
Alexia: BOTH?!
Jill: Omigawd! You slut!
(The girls giggle and hit each other with pillows as Sherry scoots away)
(static)
Alice: Hey Everybody! Guess what!? (Dances around and sings) I'm so perfect! Lalalalala!
Wesker: ... (shoots Alice seven times) ... (Looks around) ... (Continues Alice's "I'm so perfect" dance)
Jim: Dayum, bitch just got SERVED, yo!
(static, screen goes black)
Chevy: Well...we've pretty much used up all the random ideas in our heads for now...tune in next time whenever we gather enough for chapter 2.
Tangora: I'm pretty.
Chevy: Okay...looks like we weren't out of random comments after all...TO THE WRITING MOBILE!
Tangora: Ha! I'm not getting in a roaring metal death machine! (flies away in Jet-Pack)