warning: this fic contains 1x2. Rated T for language, homosexual situations and sexuality.

Christmas's Light

The therapist told me that I have to stare into this light at a 45 degree angle (an oxymoron already) for half an hour every morning. He refuses to call them SAD lights. He insists on calling them happy lights. I insist on punching him but certain laws forbid me to carry out my will. So, I stare at a computer screen every morning with a huge light shining perpendicular to my screen. No one knows I have this light. No one even knows about the therapist who sent me out to buy one. No one knows that I have been battling depression for well over two years.

I am not depressed. I know that. I do not want to die. I do not want to give up on life. I just hate the pessimistic thoughts I get sometimes. I cannot be excited about anything and this becomes extremely apparent around this time of year. The holiday season. I am supposed to be the upbeat, happy-go-lucky, I-love-everyone, I-am-just-peachy-all-the-time friend. But I'm not. I am human. I have my ups and my downs. Right now I feel like I have a lot more downs than ups. The therapist says it is because I'm going through a hormonal stage that I will grow out of.

A stage always means you'll recover. It also means that you, yourself, cannot see the end of it no matter how hard you try. You can't put it on a calendar or give it an estimate. One morning I hope I'll just wake up and it'll be gone. That is what this damn light shining in my eyes is supposed to do. The thing is huge! I mean, it is practically a neon sign saying, "Hey! Look! Look at me! I'm depressed!"

I am not depressed. I know that. I'm just not…happy. Like I should be. Like others expect me to be.

But unlike the therapist, I know it's not a hormone imbalance.

I know what it is.

I'm alone.

It's that simple. I have never been alone though I seem to have this reputation that I have been most of my life. Since I was fifteen I've had the other four pilots, before that I had Solo and before that I had the church. I always had someone. Right now…I have no one. Quatre and Trowa have been busy setting up their new home and I can't blame them. Wufei is piled high in work and since Sally had the baby, he hasn't even the memory to return my calls. When he does he sounds flustered and distracted. I can't blame him either. They're busy; life happens. But I am not moving in with someone. I am not trying to raise a child. So I am the odd one out.

So, here I sit, with my happy light blinding me and my fingers slowly slipping over the keys as I find a way to pass this next half an hour.

We're all supposed to get together for Christmas but it would truly be a miracle if we did. I don't even know how to contact Heero.

(O)(O)(O)

I have never been a happy person. Happy has not and never will be a word in my vocabulary. But content could be and it's not.

I have this light. This stupid light. The therapist insists on calling it a happy light even though it's called a SAD light. I insist on killing him but there are laws against that sort of thing. I don't even know how I ended up at a therapist's office.

I guess it's when I started thinking about the past. The times when life made sense. When there were the five of us and we all knew how we stood with each other. I guess it's when I started missing my old roommate. I was never alone when he was around. I had grown accustomed to his voice and I had confided within him when I needed to vent or talk. He had kept all my secrets.

Quatre and Trowa are off making headlines and buying houses. Wufei just had a child who, I swear, cannot stop crying for a single moment—not even to eat. I think the Chinese man already has gray hairs. I think Sally had the kid just to send him to his grave early. But I don't miss them like I miss Duo. I never minded being alone until I met him. When he left he took everything with him and I fell into this…mundane lifestyle.

I'm not depressed. I know that. I'm just not satisfied. I'm restless. I'm lonely.

And so I have this stupid, idiotic light shining right at me at a 45 degree angle, which is an absolute contradiction to the words, "shining right at me" since it's not (the therapist just cocked his head like he couldn't understand that a perpendicular light does not shine right at a person). And I have to sit in front of it and look at it, though not directly, for a half hour every single day. So I sit here. And I type on my computer and drink my coffee. I type about nothing or surf the internet for pointless things until my half an hour is up then I reach over and shut the thing off with a triumphant vengeance.

I'm not depressed. I just…miss him.

(O)(O)(O)

"You know, Duo, I have a client that is exactly in the same position you are. It's the holidays, he feels left out when everyone around him is busy and joyful."

The man had a way of droning that nearly sent me into orbit. His voice had this syrupy lilt to it that was supposed to make it sound like he knew exactly where I was coming from and that…it was okay…(I could just see his fake smile after a statement like that).

Man, Heero would get a kick out of this guy.

Before he shot him.

I sat back and crossed one leg over the other and did the same with my arms. Look as withdrawn as possible. Maybe he'll get bored soon.

"In fact, I'm thinking of setting up a joint session with you two so you truly understand that you are not alone. Would you agree to meeting and speaking to someone with similar problems?"

"Here?"

"Oh, no, not like a counseling session. I mean, I'll get his consent and then I'll give him your number and give you his. Then you two can call each other, set up a date, and talk. I have a few conversation starters if you need them. I think it will really help you feel less…isolated in this issue."

Isolated. Ohhh, someone's using big-boy words now with big-boy meanings.

I sat back and pondered it for a while. Maybe he'd be cute and gay. Maybe pigs will fly but I am not one to deny that evolution exists. I mean, after all, when they took my appendix out the thing really was just sitting in my body, hanging out for no purpose.

So, working that backwards. If appendixes don't do anything anymore, then evolution must be working, so maybe someday pigs will have wings, so there's a chance the man could be cute and gay so I should give my consent.

"Alright, sure, couldn't hurt," I said as unemotionally as I could.

(O)(O)(O)

So, as it turned out, because of legal reasons (which the therapist couldn't have just figured out beforehand) I was unable to exchange phone numbers with this random guy for safety reasons so here I was, walking towards a stereotypical-looking Starbucks, snow falling down upon my black felt coat. A winter wonderland. With a total stranger who was probably in therapy for a good reason and was only a few points short of hospitalization.

I opened the café door and stopped for a moment, looking around the dim-lit interior. The warm smell of coffee beans and chocolate filled my nose and I exhaled sharply. How was I supposed to find the man for God's sake? If he wasn't in a straightjacket already, he was going to look just like everyone else sitting around. Several men were sitting by themselves on their laptops or reading the paper.

"H-Heero?"

I froze. That voice was too familiar. It was husky and had a slight twang to it that I used to consider simply American. I turned to my left to glance into a small alcove with two arm chairs with heavy cushions on either side of a dark oak coffee table.

"Duo?"

I immediately ended my search and strode over to where the man was standing. He looked…amazing. Better than I had remembered. He had filled out more and his face had matured to give him a slightly more masculine look.

"Hey, man, whatcha doing here? Didn't know you were into this kind of scene!"

I took his extended hand and gripped it firmly, exhilaration filling me to the brim. I hadn't felt this way in years.

"I'm not. I'm here to meet someone."

Instantly, Duo's eyes adverted and he released my head. "Oh yeah? Uh, me too."

I felt my heart sink just as well and Duo instantly plastered on a fake smile. It hurt me to watch him do it. "Hey, why don't you take a seat until the guy shows up?"

"Sure. In all honesty, I have no idea who I'm looking for."

"Blind date?" Duo asked. I could have sworn I heard a tad bit of jealousy in his tone.

I sat, regarding Duo. Was he still as good of a friend as ever? I sighed. Well here was one way to find out. "Actually," I said awkwardly, trying to clear my throat. I looked out of the window and onto the sidewalk where many people all bundled and carrying holiday shopping bags were idly strolling by. I clasped my hands together, trying to hold them still. "Uh," I tried again. I shook my head. "I'm in therapy. I was supposed to meet with this other client the therapist has. Some ludicrous idea about us relating and not feeling so alone."

Duo sat back visibly, a look of utter shock on his face. His cobalt eyes wide and glowing.

I felt an uncharacteristic blush creep up my neck and I bowed my head in shame. "I know…therapy…"

"You don't have a happy light by any chance to you?" Duo asked in a soft voice.

My head snapped up. "Yes," I said slowly. "I do. I'm supposed to stare right at it at a forty-five degree angle for half an hour everyday."

Duo had said the last part right along with me. "A horrible oxymoron," he murmured at the end, eyes still wide with shock.

"I want to kill him."

"I was just thinking the other day that if you knew the man you'd be amused for a moment before you shot him…" Duo almost sounded breathless. In denial. In shock.

"You are here to meet his other client, too?" I asked, knowing the question was stupid but finding the need to know for sure that Duo was really the one.

"Yes. I am. Oh man," Duo instantly laughed, slumping into his chair. "This is unbelievable. Incredible! Heero! Where have you been these last years? Buddy, I lost all contact with you after you went off to the higher division of the Preventers!"

I smiled for the first time in so long and sat forward to answer. Duo engaged me like no other could and I felt compelled to tell him all about my years working as Relena's bodyguard. I wanted to tell him how often I had thought about him. How I had tried to contact him but he had moved just as I had. I wanted to tell him I missed him. That there were things I had wanted to tell him years ago before we were separated.

We spoke for several hours over coffee, Duo's warm face and inviting smile pulling story after story from me. On occasion he'd reach out and touch my forearm gently that rested on the table when he related a similar story or tried to show sympathy. Every touch sent a jolt of pure electricity up my arm and straight to my heart. At one point he leaned forward to laugh and his cross spilled out from his sweater and out into plain sight. I couldn't believe it. It was the cross I had gotten him. It looked worse for the wear since it hadn't been overly expensive to begin with.

When I extended my hand to touch it he quieted for a moment and looked up at me with shy eyes. "Hey, my place is not too far off. I know this isn't your favorite type of place, so… Do you wanna come back to my humble abode?"

The question was awkward and I felt his embarrassment as my own but I nodded with little hesitation and so we stood and left the coffee shop. Standing so close side by side that our arms touched every time I moved my left foot forward.

By the time we reached his cozy apartment just a few blocks away I found his hand securely in mine.

(O)(O)(O)

My mind was still reeling. I never doubted God but this was the miracle of miracles. If ever I dared to ask for the stars this was the request. Heero. Right here in my home.

We separated hands silently as we both removed our coats and hung them up in the closet. I took off my shoes and padded softly onto the carpet where I knelt down and started up the small gas fireplace that had fake logs to add to the ambiance.

"This is a nice place," Heero murmured with approval.

"I went out on a mission that…earned me a few extra dollars. I own this flat actually. Don't have to rent it."

Heero looked around again idly and stretched slightly. I shamefully peeked as his shirt slid just above the line of his jeans. God, he still had the same muscles as always but…they were a little more outlined and larger than I remembered. I looked away just as he lowered his arms and his shirt fell back into place.

"So," I laughed. "I know it's against safety measures but would it be okay if I nabbed your number?"

Heero seemed slightly shocked for a moment.

"Quatre is trying to pull this Christmas reunion thing off and I know he would totally flip out if you showed up. Truly, I think he'd cry or something hysterical like that."

Heero walked up slowly, casually—his eyes intent upon mine. "And what about you?"

I laughed just slightly, looking just down at the carpet for a moment. "What about me?"

"Do you want me to show up?"

I couldn't pull my eyes from him. That imploring gaze had turned slightly hazy and I found myself being sucked into the subtle seduction that only Heero had.

"More than anything," I barely whispered. We were inches apart. Mere air particles floated between us and yet I wasn't able to close the distance. I wanted so badly to press my lips against his as I had done so rarely years ago. Stolen kisses. Desperate kisses. I wanted this one to be different than those. I wanted this one to say something. To mean something. I wanted him to know I never wanted to lose him again now that fate had given us a chance to reunite.

Heero reached out against his character and brushed a strand of hair off of my face, staring at it lovingly. His eyes had gone soft, though his face remained as solemn as ever. When he turned his gaze back to me, it darkened once again and to my utter disbelief he brought his face closer.

I felt his breath against my mouth and then, oh God, his lips. His mouth was so warm and firm. It was like coming home with the fire on and a blanket ready on the couch. There was no way to resist. There was no way the feeling couldn't be right. I responded without the slightest hesitation, bringing my arms up around his neck as I had done back when we were younger. The embrace physically was the same but emotionally it was so much more powerful. He yanked me closer, utilized my gasp to deepen the kiss and as his hand spanned my back I felt his tongue sink deep into my mouth.

I was unable to restrain the moan that erupted from my throat as he reclaimed my mouth fiercely, passionately, unlike he had ever before. I clung to him as though he were my only grip on reality. His hands were warm and commanding as they slid up under my shirt and groped my skin. He groaned and pressed harder to my mouth. I had never known him to be so bold and it was turning me on to the point of pain.

When he pulled away I gasped aloud to my shame but he hardly recognized the sound as he lowered his mouth to my neck and began to kiss and prod all the places that used to fire me up. I was burning in a whole new way now that he was trying out all those places. He remembered the exact location of every one and his hands grabbed my lower back, forcing our hips to collide. I cried out softly, letting my head tilt back.

This wasn't a miracle. This had to be a dream. There was no way that this could be real.

"Duo." His voice was husky, rugged. He pulled back just slightly. "Don't get that look in your eyes as though this is some dream…you know how I hate that…"

I blinked to try to clear my mind but found that it helped very little. For some strange reason, I felt tears very close to the surface, my eyes burning and pressurized. Heero sounded so stern despite the rasp to his voice. How could he have remembered that look?

"It always seems too good to be true when it's you, Heero." It was heaven to say his name. To feel it fall off my tongue so easily.

"I lost you once because of pride and commitment and I don't know how we got here but I am never letting you go again. Do you know how many nights I have tossed and turned thinking of you? How many times I wished I could hunt you down and find you only to be stopped by fucking policy? The longer time passed the more I had to have you but couldn't." He was growling now, his eyes angry and demanding. He held my waist in a grip that was like steel.

"That doesn't sound so bad," I murmured. "Because of you, I'm in therapy."

Heero frowned and pulled me forward slightly. "That's nothing. Because of you, I have to stare at this damned happy light every morning."

"I'll bet mine is larger than yours."

Heero's smile was feral. "I'd have to see that to determine the truth."

"It's in my bedroom," I whispered.

(O)(O)(O)

I looked over at the calendar. Seven more days of this damned light and then I was free of the therapist. No more happy lights and no more idiotic one-sided conversations. My only regret is that I did not get to kill the man.

But as I set my coffee down, I logged onto my computer and signed onto my instant messaging account. I smirked. Duo was online as well.

DuoM1: Happy light time?

HeeroY1: I am barely surviving here. This thing is going blind me and then there's no hope.

DuoM1: seven more days. That's only a week left of online cyber sex before you don't have an excuse and have to ask for it.

HeeroY1: Will I? I highly doubt I'll have to ask. You seem eager to engage in it anyways.

DuoM1: I am far more eager to engage in person.

I smirked and felt my groin tighten in response. That much was true.

HeeroY1: I was thinking the other day when I received an invitation from Trowa. Should we tell him we're together?

DuoM1: No, you showing up will surprise Quatre and the relationship with surprise Trowa. Surprises for everybody! Speak of surprises…

HeeroY1: yes…?

DuoM1: I got you an early Christmas present but I am afraid that I will have to come over to get it.

HeeroY1: I take it you can't wrap it then?

DuoM1: Well…maybe not in the way you're thinking.

I glanced at the clock, willing it to speed up.

HeeroY1: Give me forty minutes. I still have twenty-five minutes left.

DuoM1: This light is turning into my only source of depression.

HeeroY1: that impatient?

DuoM1: you would be too if you know what the present was…

I looked at the clock again. Damn the light. Damn the entire process. It was stupid anyways. I'd get enough real sunlight when I went outside to satisfy my intrinsic clock.

HeeroY1: I'll be over in fifteen. You had better be ready.

DuoM1: is that a threat or a promise?

HeeroY1: depends. We'll just have to find out.

I immediately logged out, not waiting for a response. The tension had risen enough. I snapped the light off and yanked it out of the socket. That alone felt better than any other stress-relieving exercise I had ever used. I reached over to my bed and grabbed my jacket. I had a fairly good idea of what Duo would be looking like when I opened the door to his apartment and just thinking of that made me thankful my coat went down nearly to my knees.

As I locked the door to my apartment I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out another key. It had a small keychain of a cross on it.

The key to Duo's apartment.

I smiled softly to myself and put it back in my pocket. Christmas was definitely going to be one to remember this year. But as of right now, I was only able to think of hurrying over a few blocks to get to Duo's apartment and find my gift.

Preferably unwrapped and on Duo. I groaned deep in my throat.

I didn't deserve this.

But Christmas had its own ways of bringing miracles whether we merit them or not.

(O)(O)(O)

AN: I am writing a series of shorter x-mas fics just because I love Christmas! This is a one shot so do not feel like you need to comment unless you really want to. However, any feedback on what kind of one-shot fics you'd like to see throughout this month is greatly appreciated and would definitely taken into consideration. I am yet to write a free-standing lemon and am reluctantly edging towards that this season. All of these fics, however, will be loosely related so any suggestions need to be 1x2, 3x4, or 5xS. I apologize to all those 1xR fans. I really ride the fence on who Heero ends up with (as you can tell)!

Happy Holidays!

-Cologna