Recommended listening: Long, Long Ago by Yuriko Nakamura and Yoshihiko Maeda

Definition of Us

Oneshot

He was in the library again. He was usually found in the library when there were no cases or paperwork to do and normally, he would be content in a chair, reading about magic and spells with dragons and legendary creatures of Japanese mythology. It was different today, though. He was not looking for anything on magic, wizards, angels, or demons. Unusually enough, he was now sitting in a different chair, flipping through a dictionary, intent on finding something he didn't think he would find.

He stopped somewhere in the C-section, scanning down and using his index finger as guidance down the page. He landed on one word:

Caring (kair-eng) -verb

1) To be concerned; to have thought or regard

Hisoka found that definition to be a bit obvious, it didn't help having re-read it, and he flipped a few of the pages, finding another word:

Concern (kuhn-surn) -verb

1) To trouble, worry, or disquiet

He leaned back and thought about how many kinds of looks he got from Tsuzuki. Concern was always there and this definition fit it well. Satisfied with that in mind, he flipped through the dictionary again, turning to the K section. He came to another word:

Kindness (kayhn-nis) -noun

1) The state or quality of being kind; kind nature

Hisoka mused over that for a moment before reading the second definition.

2) A friendly feeling of liking or likeness

He thought about the way Tsuzuki didn't push him away as he did to him and instead cared a lot for him, especially if he got sick or had nightmares, yet it was kind of annoying at the seeing him worry so much over little old him. Hisoka sighed, shrugged, and continued to flip through the dictionary again, stopping in the L section, this time knowing what he was looking for.

Love (luhv) -noun.

1) A tender affection for another; deep warm compassionate feeling

2) A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

'Hmm,' thought Hisoka. 'Isn't that what I feel from Tsuzuki?'

He thought about it for a while, as he had more than enough time to do so. Tsuzuki always wanted to protect him, even at the cost of his own life. Hisoka had seen that clearly in Nagasaki. When Muraki had aimed his dragon's blast for him, only for him, Tsuzuki had jumped right between the blast and him, saving him from certain second death, at the cost of his own. He was gravely injured, the gravely part obviously signaling the gaping hole in his chest that was the effect of the dragon's blast. Even though they had gotten away safely, Hisoka realized it was his stupid fault that got them into that mess.

And from then on, Tsuzuki went on to care for him and comfort him, even in the harshest times. Hisoka had noticed that, too, on Queen Camellia, right after he had shot Tsubaki-hime. He had been in the helicopter, his hands clenched tight and he admitted to killing Tsubaki to Tsuzuki while Tatsumi had in his headphones to operate the flying contraption. Hisoka had shown Tsuzuki the blood on his hands and admitted to being just like Muraki. Moreover, Hisoka still believed it, too. He had done what Muraki did probably every night. He had killed someone and not only that, she had been close to him, as he had found out later. Then he had begun to cry, in which Tsuzuki took him into his arms and hugged him, whispering to him as he cried into his shoulder, gripping his sleeves with his bloodied hands as though he were a lifeline.

Finally, there was Kyoto, a memory that always stuck in Hisoka's mind. Tsuzuki had hidden his past as to not burden anyone with it and he did not want to hurt anyone because of himself. He hated himself, truthfully, and Hisoka had not been able to sense it. He had always seemed so cheerful and yet, at the same time, he was tearing himself up inside. He had tried to kill himself again.

When past partners had left Tsuzuki, he had slashed his wrist repeatedly, but it always healed and no one came to help him when he was in pain. Then Kyoto was the last straw. It was the one time Tsuzuki could actually die a second time. However, this second death would not take him to Heaven or Hell. It would have erased him from existence altogether. The Flame of the Serpent, one of the most powerful fire types in Gensoukai with all the other shikigami, was only following orders. It wasn't Touda's fault that Tsuzuki had called on him, but it wasn't Tsuzuki's either. If Muraki hadn't come into the picture, perhaps Tsuzuki wouldn't have tried to kill himself again.

Hisoka bit his lip as he realized that everything Muraki put him through was most likely his own fault. If he hadn't been paired up with Tsuzuki to try to find his murderer, maybe Muraki would've never lusted after Tsuzuki like he did or probably never even met him in the first place.

Hisoka looked back at the dictionary, still biting his lip as he read more of the definitions of love. It was not just a noun, he realized, but it was also a verb, an action of being.

Love (luhv) –verb

1) To have a profoundly passionate affection for another

2) To embrace and kiss someone

3) To have sexual intercourse with

Hisoka colored at those definitions and immediately shut the book, trying to calm down his racing heart. He could not believe he had just read those. He should not be looking up words with those meanings. It wasn't what he felt… right? Somehow, his heart seemed to protest to that thought and told his mind to shut up and open the book again. Hisoka did obligingly.

4) Give off affection or pleasure

5) Infused with or feeling deep affection or passion

6) To need or require to benefit from

7) To engage in sexual activity

'Is this what I feel?' Hisoka wondered as he dog-eared the page, his color fading rapidly, no longer uncomfortable with such definitions. 'Is this what I feel for Tsuzuki?'

Numbers 4 and five seemed most likely. Hisoka, even though he went on with a cold gesture sort of reflex, knew that inwardly, he liked the comfort and caresses projected towards him. He liked how Tsuzuki knew when to keep his distance sometimes and how he was there for him when Hisoka needed him. The sixth definition of love seemed to work, too. If Hisoka did not need Tsuzuki as much as he thought he did, why would he have jumped into Touda's flames?

'Do I love him?'

"What are you doing?" asked a curious voice behind him.

Hisoka jumped and whirled his head around to meet veiled amethyst eyes surrounded by long chocolate brown hair. Tsuzuki cocked his head slightly at Hisoka, and then glanced to the dictionary in his hand. "What are you doing with that? I didn't think you were that big of a bookworm!"

Hisoka growled reflexively and stood up to put the dictionary back in its place. "Idiot."

"I know, I know," there was a tone of sadness lacing that voice.

Hisoka turned to meet the hidden eyes and he mentally kicked himself for always turning on his autopilot. Why was he so snappy in that way? He hurt people even when he did not mean to. He was as much as a contradiction as Tsuzuki was. He felt his chest compress a bit and he knew that if he was going to be this way all the time, then no relationship would build up between the two of them. Ever.

"Forget it," Hisoka murmured and with that, he turned and ran out of the library, ignoring Tsuzuki's calls behind him. He didn't know why he was running or where he was running to. His heart told him to go back, but this time his mind got the better of his body and told his heart to put a sock in it.

Hisoka ran outside, stumbling a bit as he jumped over tree roots. Unfortunately, one got the better of him and tripped him, causing him to land face first on the sakura petal-littered ground. He got himself up and he leaned against the tree that had tripped him, closing his eyes as he tried to shield himself off from sight by hiding in the tree's shallow hollow. It was kind of odd that one of the sakura trees would have a hollow inside of it, but right now, it didn't matter, as long as he was hidden, in which he was. He heard his partner call for him, but he didn't get up. He couldn't find strength in his legs to do so. Nor did he open his eyes as his open hands caught the petals that drifted close to the hollow.

"Hisoka, why did you run?"

Hisoka's eyes slowly slid open to meet worried amethyst as Tsuzuki sat down next to him. Hisoka's hands, now full of random sakura petals clenched slightly, the pale fingers running over the texture of the sakura petals, as if marveling their sheer existence of being as his eyes avoided the concerned ones of his elder partner. Hisoka noticed Tsuzuki held the dictionary he had just been looking at, but he found himself caring less as he decided to answer Tsuzuki's question in the only way he could.

"I ran because it's all I can do," Hisoka murmured, his heart speaking louder than his mind again.

"What do you mean?" Tsuzuki asked, placing a hand on his shoulder, but Hisoka's shoulder reflexively rippled, shrugging off the hand.

"You wouldn't understand," Hisoka whispered, turning his head to the other side.

"I would if you'd just tell me," Tsuzuki stated, as though pointing out that the sky was blue, as though it were obvious.

Hisoka glanced back at him, unsure of what to say or even do. He had two choices: He could run off again and refuse to tell Tsuzuki or he could throw himself into this man's arms and spill out everything. Both choices were indeed tempting, but it was impossible to do both at the same time. His mind wanted the former, but his heart wanted the latter… wanted it so badly.

He did not think. He could not think. He just felt. He just acted.

Hisoka threw himself at Tsuzuki, crushing their lips together as he wrapped his arms around his neck, shutting his eyes tightly. Tsuzuki dropped the dictionary and for a moment, he did nothing and Hisoka feared he might have just screwed up again and destroyed their friendship forever. Then, he felt Tsuzuki's arms come up to wrap around his waist, his hands traveling up the small of his back as he angled his head, tentatively kissing him back.

Hisoka gasped as he felt Tsuzuki's tongue brush against his bottom lip, in which Hisoka accidentally allowed entrance, which Tsuzuki took advantage of fully. Hisoka nearly jumped when he felt Tsuzuki's tongue brush against his, but Hisoka soon relaxed against Tsuzuki, trying to mimic what Tsuzuki was doing to him by brushing his tongue across the elder's.

Soon, their tongues were sparring smoothly and unhesitatingly, brushing, licking one another as the owners pushed closer together, trying to get as close as possible. Hisoka's hands came up to bury themselves into Tsuzuki's dark brown hair, which, to his surprise, felt like silk to the touch and just as smooth. He settled into the elder's lap, not disengaging the kiss for any reason. He leaned in so far that Tsuzuki fell back against the grass and littered sakura petals, but that was no reason to stop. Tsuzuki's hands came down to hold Hisoka by his hips in a tender gesture.

Hisoka finally became aware as to what he was doing. He was kissing Tsuzuki and very intimately, he might add, as well as straddling him. The idea of the full body contact between them at that moment sent Hisoka's mind over the edge, along with his heart full of emotion, and he broke the kiss, pushing himself away from Tsuzuki, panting hard as his hand came up to his kiss-swollen lips.

He saw Tsuzuki sit up, but the man was not panting as much as he was. Lightly, when compared to him. Hisoka looked away, mentally berating himself and he shut his eyes tightly, his body beginning to shake as he took in panting breath. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean… I don't…"

He could not even speak what he was feeling. He should not have done that. Tsuzuki might have only responded to his advance because he was needy. That thought pained Hisoka and his heart began to hurt.

"Hisoka… come here for a moment," Tsuzuki said quietly, but not demandingly and certainly not angry.

Hisoka dared to glance up at him, but the man was sitting back near the tree again, too busy flipping through the pages of the dictionary. Hisoka vaguely wondered what the man was doing and especially at a time like this. Hisoka slowly picked himself up and walked over to where Tsuzuki was sitting, and just as slowly lowered himself down.

Tsuzuki stopped at a page in god knows what section and scanned the page before he tapped a word with his index finger with a small smile gracing his lips. "I think maybe that was the definition you were looking for, Hisoka."

'How did he know I was doing that?' Hisoka wondered, but all the same, he reached over and took the dictionary, staring at the word Tsuzuki had pointed out.

Soul mate (sohl meyt) –noun

1) One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, sensitivity or in a loving relationship in which they give unto one another in return for the other mate's affection; to be bonded with one other

Hisoka placed the book down in his lap, going over that definition in his mind as he closed his eyes, trying to stop his unshed tears from making their way down from their green home and he bit his lip to stifle his sobs from escaping his throat. Why was he reacting like this to simple words from a book? He felt a hand brush through his hair and another hand cupped his cheek, making the dictionary to fall out of his hands and softly hit the grassy sakura forest floor.

Hisoka felt hot breath in his ear as he heard Tsuzuki whisper, "That means I love you, too, Hisoka, if you'll let me love you…"

Hisoka could not breathe. A shiver ran down his spine as Tsuzuki breathed against his ear and he began to shake slightly by the new revelation. Tsuzuki loved him… he actually, genuinely loved him… He felt Tsuzuki's arms wrap around his torso again and he leaned back against him, settling into the elder shinigami's lap, trying not to blush too much. Nevertheless, the way Tsuzuki held him with tender care; it was almost more than enough to make his breath hitch the way it did. He leaned back into the warmth and closed his eyes, hoping that this wasn't a dream.

As if reading his thoughts, Tsuzuki whispered, "It's not a dream, Soka, I promise. All you have to do is trust me."

"I trust you," Hisoka whispered as a petal fell into his hand. He clutched it tightly. 'There was a definition for us after all… maybe next time I shouldn't rely on a dictionary. Maybe I could just rely on Tsuzuki…'

So that's what Hisoka did.

Here are some feedback quotes from friends of mine:

Ed: Silly Hisoka! Dictionaries aren't meant to be read! They're meant to be thrown at someone!

Sayaka: That was so sweet, but why use a dictionary? Can't you use a computer just as well?

Diego (Sayaka's Brother): I can't believe I'm actually going to say this word, but this fanfic was... quite cute. Gotta love the angst. And you gotta love the descriptions. I rate this 9.99/10

All feedback is appreciated! Arigato and ja ne for now!

Saphira Nakare Ruakara