Disclaimer: I do not own YGO. If I did… oooh, if I did… then this pairing wouldn't happen. Done deal. Finished. Fin! This pairing, if attempted with the intentions of keeping a canon fanfic, would NOT work. But… this isn't canon. This is FANON! And it will rock as a greatly disturbing Casteshipping! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Author's Note: Hey, look, I'M STILL IN THE YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION CONTEST!! WOO!

We are currently in round 5 of the competition: Casteshipping, or Thief King Bakura x Pharaoh Atemu.

So, as it stands, this is my Casteshipping one-shot. I feel so proud… this came to me as such a random thought (as I was hunting for plot bunnies… you can sort of say this one hunted me down first).

Enjoy!

#2 Author's Note: Here's a key to remember:

The present is written normal. The past is written in italics.

The One Night That Started It All

By: Angel's Nocturne

"So," Yugi said, as he sat down beside his darker half on their couch in the living room, "how exactly did you and Bakura meet?"

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon at the Kame Game Shop. The sun was almost ready to fall below the horizon, so a dull orange light filtered in through the blinds of the game store's window. The shop on the lower floor was quiet and content, where Sugoroku Mutou was taking care of the register.

The floor upstairs—containing Yugi, Yami, Ryou, Bakura, Malik, and Marik—was similar, save for the fact that the conversations were anything but the ordinary small talk.

Yami gave Yugi a strange look, as the smaller youth only grinned. "What do you want to know that for?" He was perplexed—Yugi had never asked about him and his boyfriend Bakura's relationship before. This was something new.

Yugi shrugged. "Just curious. Why? Can't I ask?"

"Curiosity killed the cat, you know." Malik Ishtar sat on the floor beside the couch, curled up beside Marik as he munched on a bowl of potato chips. The yami didn't seem to mind that his lighter half was wiping his greasy fingers on his tan khakis.

"And satisfaction brought her back," Yami Marik responded to his cuddling light. "Why must everyone always forget that part?"

"Because then there would be no lesson to it."

"That wouldn't stop me from asking," Marik responded, his heavy-lidded violet eyes watching the room's occupants with amusement. Suddenly he sat up and glanced over at the other side of the couch. "What do you say, Bakura? Mind sharing with us the story of your oh-so-romantic meeting with the great Pharaoh over here?"

On a cushion on the floor sat the thief in question, along with his hikari as they watched the conversation with interest. The one named Bakura raised an eyebrow, glancing between Yami and Marik. He seemed to ignore Yami's death-glare at him as his lips curled into a playful smirk.

"I don't see the harm," he purred to Yami. The former Pharaoh stuck his nose in the air.

"Oh fine, go ahead," Yami snorted. "Let's see how well you remember the story."

"Probably better than you do," Bakura retorted, to Yami's annoyance.

Ryou, who had been patiently sitting next to Bakura, now wore a gleeful smile as he patted Bakura on the back. "Oh, jolly good! This is something I've been waiting to hear—"

"Don't touch me."

"Sorry Bakura." Ryou retracted his hand slowly.

"So, let's hear it then!" Yugi said, looking as if he could jump off the couch and bounce about in excitement. His large violet eyes danced with his smile, as in totally unaware of the fact that Yami sulked in a pool of his own disdain beside of him. "I wanna hear the story!"

"Alright then," Bakura said. He beamed as everyone in the room grew still, listening in. "Here is the tale I shall weave for you all. It is a tale of love, forbidden romance, deceit, and above all, kinky molestation—"

"Bakura—!"

"Silence Yami-poo," Bakura teased, winking at the red-faced Pharaoh. Yugi giggled next to his darkness.

"But what the fuck is with—"

"It is a tale that speaks of our glorious love," Bakura said, cutting Yami off entirely. His sharp brown eyes looked over at the Pharaoh, then back to his captive audience. "And I, Bakura the Great, shall tell it unto you fine, loathsome mortals, with the hopes that you may learn something from this insidious piece of the ancient past—"

"Okay, okay!" Malik said, waving off the Thief King's words. "Enough introductions, Mr. Drama Queen! Just get to the damn story, for Ra sake."

Bakura's smirk grew. "As you wish." His voice grew distant.

"My story begins long ago…."

"When the pyramids were still young," Yugi chanted.

Bakura glared at him. "Not THAT opening, bitch. Now, it was long ago…."

"On a dark and stormy night—"

"Shut it, Mini Me."

Yugi sank into the cushion. "Can I go home now?"

"This IS our house, Yugi," Yami said flatly.

"Oh… yeah."

Bakura snorted. "Stupid hobbit." Before Yugi could argue, he cleared his throat. "OKAY! It was a long, long, LONG time ago, when I, the great Thief King Bakura, was preparing to perform my greatest thievery yet….

"To steal the Pharaoh's innocence."

"Here we go again…" Yami moaned, rolling his eyes, as Bakura started to tell his story.

"It happened when the night was young, with the full moon shining bright as I, the great Bakura, approached the Pharaoh's palace….

"Hey, douche! Let me through!"

"Sorry sir," one of the guards said. "You can't go through here."

"Yeah, authorized personnel only," the other added.

Bakura snorted at the two palace guards in front of him. He was standing before the Pharaoh's palace, the main opening blocked by the usual royal sentinels. The night shift was particularly stingy, as Bakura recalled from earlier ventures.

"Authorized personnel my ass." Bakura adjusted his red trench coat. "Listen, just let me in already. Trust me—my business here is an 'in-and-out' affair."

The first guard raised his eyebrows. "And what sort of 'business' is that?" The second guard's eyes looked Bakura up and down, addressing his vagabond-appearance. "And who are you, anyway? We have no time to be dealing with riff-raff, when we are needed to protect the great Pharaoh! We're the great palace guard!"

"Well, it's not like we have anything better to do anyways," the one guard said meekly.

"… shut up."

"You want to know why I'm here?" Bakura asked.

The second guard nodded. "That would be the premise."

"Oh okay," Bakura answered. "I am the great Thief King Bakura, and I am here to deflower your Pharaoh."

"…."

"…."

A cricket laughed so hard it peed.

"Did… did I just hear… what I thought I just heard?" the first guard asked his friend. They were both grinning.

"I—I think so…" the other replied, placing a hand over his mouth to hold back obvious chuckles. Bakura cocked an eyebrow, placing his hands on his hips with an easy swagger.

"What's so funny?" he inquired.

The two guards stopped laughing and looked at each other silently.

"… Well?"

"Listen, m-man," the first guard struggled between cackles. "I t-think you're a few years t-t-too late."

"Yeah," the other agreed. "Our Pharaoh's basically an erection with legs. Lost cause on your part."

Bakura didn't seem the least bit worried. "Really now?" he asked casually.

The two guards nodded, looking between themselves and Bakura like he was nuts. "Um, yeah. Pretty much."

"And would any of you have actual proof of what you speak?" He looked between them, his violet eyes narrowed. "Have any of you witnessed the Pharaoh's deflowering at hand?"

Again, he was met with an awkward silence. Even the cricket that pissed itself was listening.

Finally one of the guards answered, "Um, do you live under a rock?"

"If you really need proof, then listen: we're not only the palace guard, but part of the Pharaoh's harem."

Bakura stared at them.

"… You gotta be kidding me."

"Nope."

"We're pretty high up in the ranks." The guard who spoke swayed his hips. "I'm one of his top pole dancers. Wanna see?"

Bakura gave a face of mute disgust as he looked him up and down. "… Maybe later. But for now, my mission is to steal your Pharaoh's innocence—"

"Um, dude, do you not listen?" The sentinel shook his head. "We already told you—our Pharaoh's gotten more action than all the harems of all of Egypt. You'd be wasting your time."

"Then why don't you let me through so that I can see if I'm really wasting my time?" Bakura asked. The two guards looked at each other. The one shrugged.

"Well, I don't see a problem with—"

"Naw, we can't do that," the other replied in a "matter-of-fact" tone. "What if he's some great Thief King bent on destroying the world?" He shook his head, then looked at Bakura. "Sorry man. We gotta keep you out."

"… Your guards were in your harem?" Yugi asked Yami, interrupting Bakura's vivid story-telling.

Yami looked away, his nose in the air. "I don't know what he's talking about."

"Face it, Pharaoh—you were a little whore," Marik laughed.

"… fuck you."

"So what happened next?" Ryou asked, his brown eyes looking intently at his yami. "How on Earth did you get inside the palace?"

Bakura smirked, brushing some of his long silvery hair back behind his ear. "Well, since those guards didn't let me through, I had a few options left. And now that I knew the Pharaoh was actually a hard-on with a head—"

"Hey, I was not!"

"—I did not want to steal his innocence like I had intended." Bakura's smirk grew, his sharp teeth showing. "Now I planned… to steal his life."

… which was what the great Thief King Bakura planned to do anyways, but now it became a personal issue.

He grumbled to himself as he scaled the wall of the Pharaoh's palace. "Stupid royal pain-in-the-ass… has to make a fool of me by not being a virgin… well, I'll show him! We'll see who's not a virgin when I'm through with him!"

He grunted as he held onto the rope that kept him on the wall. After the guards pushed him away, Bakura secretly sneaked past them and, in an attempt to get his job finished quickly and without fuss, he sent Diabound up to the Pharaoh's balcony to tie a rope to the ledge. With Diabound's power of invisibility, he had it done without anyone noticing.

Bakura was about half-way up the wall when he realized that he could have had Diabound fly him up to the balcony instead of going through all this trouble. Cursing, he continued on his way.

After hiding in the shadows for so long, Bakura wanted recognition. He wanted people to fear his very name, when spoken in their presence! But, only the greatest of mercenaries and thieves achieved such greatness.

Bakura smirked—he planned to be one of them, as soon as he completed his ultimate mission.

Bakura wasn't sure why stealing the Pharaoh's virginity and/or his life seemed like such an important mission to him. It just… did. The whole idea had a certain resonance… that is, that he take from the Pharaoh something he could never get back.

Just like how he lost something that he could never get back: his family, his friends… his entire village. Because of the Pharaoh and his High Priests, he had been alone for most of his childhood, and he grew up in a life of poverty and despair. He had two choices in life: either he would strive to do what he had to survive, or he would simply die like the rest of his village had. Revenge forced him to live….

It wasn't a life worth living, but perhaps the fruits of his dark and nefarious labor would prove it worthwhile in the end.

He grunted as he hauled himself up, his sandaled feet scraping against the sand-stone walls. It was dark—too dark for anyone to spot him, unless they had night-vision goggles (impossible, even for this fanficiton) or were intently looking for him. Bakura chuckled—no one was looking for him. No one knew what he was about to do.

And it's not like those two numbskulls for guards were gonna grow a brain and stop him. No, Bakura thought, the only brains those two have are the ones between their legs. And I bet those are small at best.

He continued on his climb upward—it took him about twenty minutes, but eventually he reached the Pharaoh's balcony. He lifted himself onto it.

"Argh!" Bakura groaned. He rubbed his hands. "Stupid rope-burn!"

They were a very strenuous twenty minutes.

Bakura—once he had relieved his ailment—got up and looked inside the room connected to the balcony. His lilac eyes scanned the inner chamber, and his lips arched into a smile.

"So this is the Pharaoh's bedroom…."

It was a huge room, fit for a royal king. The walls were decorated with hanging silks and hieroglyphic sketching, and the floor was covered with expensive furs. The bed lay in the center of the room, draped with silks and cloths that were hanging from the ceiling, swirling downward into a funnel that contained the Pharaoh's bed. Through the layers of cloth Bakura could see mountains of pillows and cushions, all covered in expensive fabrics that had intricate designs woven into them. The only light in the room came from torches. The rest of the room was filled with various treasures—many of them appeared to be made of gold.

Bakura's eyes grew wide. He drooled a little.

"G-Gold…" he breathed. He had never seen so much gold in one place before—this even beat out the former Pharaoh's tomb, which he had robbed not too long before. He took a step towards a stack of gold statues that had been lazily thrown in the corner closest to him. "What a greedy Pharaoh, hogging all of this for himself… maybe I should spare the Pharaoh's life for now, and content myself with these beauties…."

He reached over to take one of the golden statues….

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

Bakura jumped, letting out a small "eep!" as he did so. He didn't know anyone else was in the room—even more so, he didn't know that his "eep" sounded so girlish. He mentally smacked himself for not being more careful.

"I said, what do you think you're doing?"

Bakura looked around for the source of the deep, resonating voice. He finally saw something move among the pillows of the Pharaoh's bed—the figure emerged from the silks, and Bakura's eyes narrowed.

It was the Pharaoh himself (of course, who else would it be, it was his room). He was the same as Bakura remembered him, from the many times he had watched the king from afar—caramel skin, with eyes like the rubies that adorned some of his gold treasures. His crimson and violet-spiked black hair was messy, held in place by his gold head piece—his white tunic was askew, as if he had been sleeping. The youth gracefully stepped off his bed, and stood before the Thief King, looking at him with curiosity and suspicion.

"Are you deaf?" Pharaoh Atemu snapped, and yet to Bakura his voice still held the softness of well-controlled royalty. "Why do you not answer your king?"

Bakura had fantasized meeting the Pharaoh like this. He had many versions of the dream, ranging from him taking his knee to the youth's groin, smiling all the way, to having Diabound taking the Pharaoh and ripping his body into bite-sized pieces, listening as he screamed in utmost agony. Each time he grinned, displaying his sharp canines with delight only foreseen by the darkest of immoral beings.

Somehow, though, Bakura's mind went blank of every flight of fancy he had mustered. He looked the Pharaoh over—his hair was such a disheveled mess, exploding from his head like that. It almost looked… cute….

Bakura cringed away the thought, showing his teeth in a terrible attempt at a grimace. He met the Pharaoh's gaze, trying to level with the youth as the king was at least six inches shorter than he was.

"Keh," Bakura hissed, pushing back some of his cropped white hair. He towered over Atemu. "I am not deaf, 'Your Majesty'. I may be what you would call… 'defiant'."

He made sure to hiss the last word out for emphasis. He let his voice roll out like sand in the wind—dark and still unsatisfied.

He could see surprise in the young Pharaoh's gaze. Ah, Bakura thought. Has he realized yet what I am here for? Surely he must know of who I am, and what I have come to do. Bakura chuckled to himself. He must be quivering with fear inside, knowing the fate that will now befall him.

Atemu backed away a little. "… I know who you are…" he whispered.

Bakura nodded, inwardly doing a victory dance. "Yes, it must be so shocking," he cooed, his voice seductive and deadly. "But do not worry, for today, you will have the knowledge that you died by the hands of the great—"

"You're that concubine Seth ordered for my birthday!"

"…."

Bakura prayed to every God he knew that he had NOT heard that right.

"… What?"

"Oh, oh, hold up a second!" Malik interrupted, his face red as he nearly choked on his own laughter. "Oh my Ra… you were a concubine… oh the pain!" He held his stomach as he burst out laughing.

Bakura scowled at Malik. "No, I wasn't a concubine. Dipshit Pharaoh over there thought I was."

Pause.

"HA HA HA HA!" Malik cracked up. "He thought you were a concubine! Oh my Ra, this is… oh man, I'm tearing up…!" He wiped his eyes as he chuckled mercilessly.

"I guess that kilt you were wearing was just a little too short," Marik teased. Bakura's attention was still on the lighter half, though.

"Malik, go fuck yourself," Bakura stated, his eyes twitching a little in aggravation.

The laughing didn't cease. "Why, when I can ask you do to it for me? HA-HA HA HA!" He slapped his knee. "Oh, oh, my stomach hurts… the pain, THE PAIN…! I… can't… stop—!"

Thwump! Bakura's cushion made sure contact with Malik's head. He fell over, not moving.

"Oh my fucking Ra." Marik stared at Malik's slumped form with horror. He picked up the thrown cushion. "What the hell is in this thing? Bricks?"

"Maybe."

"Why in Osiris's name are there bricks in this cushion?"

"It's more effective in silencing moronic thought." He motioned to Malik. "See? Not an idiotic word to be heard."

Marik's jaw dropped. "…You're a psycho."

"STFU, bitch," Bakura snarled, before turning back to his present audience. "Now, where were we…?"

Everyone beside Yami stifled their giggles in fear of Bakura's cushion-throwing prowess. Yami's face resembled a kitten that fell in the toilet.

"We… were up to the concubine," Yugi said carefully.

Bakura nodded. "Ah, yes. That." He eyed Yami, who refused to look at him. "Well, I could understand the mistake—I mean, I was pretty sexy back in those days. As I am now, of course."

"Hmph."

"… Yami, you have something you want to add to the conversation?"

"Only that you have no decency and you have no right to corrupt my hikari's mind with such stories."

Bakura grinned. "And yet you still love me. I'm flattered." He quickly cut Yami off before he could interject. "Now, moving back to our tale… where Yami mistook me for one of his personal trollops, I was in a state of what you might call surprised amusement….

… but what normal people would have correctly labeled as extreme, "he'll-cut-my-nuts-off" horror.

Bakura blinked.

And he blinked again.

"… What… was that?"

"Oh, don't be shy about it," Atemu said soothingly as he stalked towards the balcony. His back was to the Thief King but the shell-shocked tomb robber could sense his amused smirk. "You should be honored—only few have gained such stature for my pleasure."

Pft—that's not what the guards said, Bakura thought. He watched the Pharaoh as the youth turned around and observed him, looking him up and down in a casual manner.

Bakura gulped. Why did he suddenly feel like a piece of meat?

Atemu's lips curled upward, his manner devilish. "Well now… I guess we should get things started then…." He raised his hand up, and snapped his fingers. Instantly the room dimmed until it was lit by mere candles. The air suddenly vibrated warm, and it was scented with a faint aroma that pleasured the senses. Bakura glanced around, feeling a little edgy.

"How… did you do that?" Bakura asked, trying to sound menacing but coming out with more of a croak.

Atemu's smirk widened, amused. "Magic, and power. It does wonders for the atmosphere… doesn't it?" Atemu approached Bakura, quickly shrinking the space between them. Bakura blinked—how did a midget move so fast?

Bakura tried to back away but only found a wall. Atemu's eyes glistened as he pinned the Thief King, his face coming very close to his. Bakura tried to growl. It came out as a pathetic choking sound.

Atemu purred. "What's wrong?" he asked, his voice sultry. "Are you… nervous?"

Finally Bakura found his voice again—he slithered out of the Pharaoh's grasp, looking at him with a death glare. "Nervous?" he asked. "Please. It is you who should be nervous, my Pharaoh." He reached forward and grabbed the collar of Atemu's shirt. The king grunted, but appeared more angered than frightened.

The anger subsided quickly—a devilish smirk adorned his sun-kissed face. "Oh, I see…" Atemu said. "You're the type who likes it rough."

Bakura's eyes twitched. What had he gotten himself into?

"Is that it?" Atemu asked, leaning in closer to Bakura. He was so close that Bakura could feel his warm breath on his face. "Because if it is, then I think I have some chains and a dagger somewhere—"

Bakura released his grip on the king and pushed him away. This guy was starting to creep him out.

Atemu pouted. "You know, your foreplay needs some work."

"… Okay, that's it." Bakura gave the Pharaoh a glance, before wheeling around and heading back towards the balcony. "I've had about enough of this shit. I'm outta here—"

A pair of gold-adorned arms wrapped themselves around the Thief King's middle. The tomb robber "eeped", his body going rigid on the spot.

"Ah," Atemu said, his voice muffled into Bakura's shoulder. "Now I see. You're the reluctant type, aren't you?"

No, Bakura thought. I'm the try-and-you-die type. He struggled to get out of the youth's grasp, but somehow the shorter teen managed to get an iron grip on his waist. Bakura groaned—what a persistent little bastard!

He could hear Atemu giggled into his back. "Okay, well, enough playing around. It's time we get straight to the point."

Bakura grunted. "Keh. Over my dead—WAHHH!"

He couldn't finish his sentence. The Pharaoh had let go of his waist, grabbed the hood of his red coat, and was now dragging him towards his bed. Bakura scrambled, losing his balance and falling on the floor.

He squirmed on the ground while the Pharaoh towed him away, smiling like a kid who just got found his favorite sweet.

This is NOT good, Bakura thought. I'm the one who's supposed to be seducing him, not the other way around… if you can call this seduction. Rape sounds a whole lot better.

"You know, you're awful fidgety for a paid concubine," Atemu remarked as he pushed past the silks and pulled Bakura into his mountain of pillows. "I'll have to ask Seth where he got you from."

"Look, 'Your Highness'," Bakura snapped. "You've been mistaken. I am not your personal sex-toy—"

"Oh?" Atemu asked, looming over Bakura as the Thief King lay helplessly in the center of Atemu's bed. His eyes glimmered with something like fire. In the shadow of the silks and dimly lit room, it made the young king appear more like a small demon. He crouched down over Bakura. "If you are not my concubine, then who are you? Because if you are someone else…." Atemu's lips came down and brushed softly against Bakura's. "Then I just might have you killed… for my own pleasure."

Bakura gulped. Oh… crap.

Atemu's face lit up with a smile. "But since you are my little pleasure slave, I guess there's no reason why I can't do this." He reached down, and in one graceful motion smashed his lips to the Thief King's stunned ones.

Now, Bakura was no virgin. He had seen much action in his day, though it was never anything more than the girls at the local brothel, or the occasional male in the underground societies. Still, it was enough to qualify him as someone of experience.

This did not prepare him for the feelings he received tonight. He stayed motionless as Atemu softly caressed his lips with his, the feel of them warm and deliciously soft. Though he was trying to defy this sick form of torture, his instincts started to speak for him as he pushed up into the kiss, feeling Atemu's lips for his own curiosity.

He hated this. He didn't want the night to end up like this! He was the one who was supposed to be doing this to Atemu, leaving him defenseless for the perfect moment—when Bakura would kill him in his bed. He had wanted everything to be perfect—the revenge, the plotting, the everything….

"Hmmhmm…!"Atemu became more forceful, nibbling on Bakura's lower lip playfully. Bakura moaned a bit, delighting in it as his lips parted enough for the Pharaoh to enter. He could feel the youth's tongue snake around his, and he arched his back, trying to contain himself. Atemu's hands sneaked under his back, stroking up and down the Thief King's bare skin. Bakura wondered why that was—then he realized that his red coat had been tossed somewhere off to the side already.

How did that… get over there…? He wondered that as his own hands reached up, his fingers tracing around Atemu's neck and running through his messy locks. Bakura was surprised—the Pharaoh's hair looked stiff, but it was actually quite soft, like the luscious silk that they laid on top of.

Everything started to meld and blend. A soft moan formed deep in Bakura throat, one that he could not hold back. Nor did he want to—this felt so good. It was better than anything any of the whores on the streets could provide. No, this was high quality. It was pure, and well-designed.

Almost mere perfection… all in the form of a youthful king.

Bakura felt Atemu stop kissing his lips, instead letting his kisses drift over his jaw, then down his neck, and around his collar bone. Bakura licked his lips, savoring the flavor of the Pharaoh's kiss—it tasted of spices Bakura couldn't even begin to name. It was hard to concentrate as his mind always fluttered back to the feel of Atemu's lips on his skin.

What had he come here for again…? Revenge…?

Bakura shook away the thought. This was too wonderful—why would he wish revenge against something so pleasing? He let his mind soar above the thought—oh, he might kill him later, but for now… for now, he would just enjoy the feel of Atemu's kisses.

Somewhere, his family and friends were probably screaming at him for being such a little slut.

Atemu paused in his kisses, breathing deeply. Bakura looked up into the young Pharaoh's eyes, staring into the deep pools of claret that reminded him so much of the blood he should be spilling. He smiled nonetheless.

"So..." Atemu breathed. "Are you still… one of those reluctant ones?"

Bakura smirked. "Actually, you had guessed right the first time."

Atemu's eyes lit up. "Ah, I see… a rough rider." His face hovered over Bakura's, his nose touching the other's nose. Above Bakura's head he could sense Atemu's hand, groping for something in the cushions. He wasn't worried—the king was probably searching for that dagger he promised.

Hmm. Bakura licked his lips. Sadistic play. He could get used to this.

Atemu's face retracted a bit. "Well, I'd hate to disappoint you, but…."

He brought the hand that was above Bakura's head down sharply, placing something like a small piece of cloth over Bakura's mouth. Bakura gave a start, scrambling underneath Atemu—what in Osiris's name was going on? Atemu had positioned himself just over him, though, and despite his size he was strong. Bakura couldn't escape.

"Mmh! Whmh mnrr you mhoing?" Bakura's voice was muffled by the cloth, but he had said something like, "Hey! What are you doing?" He could smell the cloth—it had a sweet, sickly odor. An overwhelming odor—Bakura's vision started to grow fuzzy.

In the haze of his sight he could see Atemu smiling gleefully. The Pharaoh waved down at him with his free hand.

"Nighty-night, my sweet delight," Atemu purred. In the corner of Bakura's vision he could see the Pharaoh reaching under a pillow for what looked like… a bottle of hot oil and velvet restraints?

Then… black-out.

"…."

Everybody stared at Yami.

"… You… you drugged him?" Yugi asked, obviously startled.

"…." Yami glared at Bakura. The former Thief King only shrugged.

"Hey, for some of the things the Pharaoh liked to do, you were better off drugged."

More uneasy silence. Everyone, including Yugi, slowly inched away from Yami. Yugi slipped to the other end of the couch, looking at the former Egyptian king like he had the plague.

Marik was looking down at Malik. "Hey, Bakura, Malik isn't moving… I don't even think he's breathing…."

"So, what happened next?" Ryou asked in a hushed voice. "After… he drugged you."

"Well, I don't know if there's much to say," Bakura answered nonchalantly. "Everything went black. I was out for a while—every once in a while I would come out of my drugged state to see, oh, something like:"

"Yeah, babe!" Atemu cracked his leather whip on the ground, looking at Bakura lustfully. "Yeah, you been a bad boy, haven't you? Well, we'll see if you're still bad once I'm through with you… heh heh."

Crickets chirped.

Yugi slid off the couch and crawled over to Ryou. "… I don't think we should share the same room anymore, Yami."

"Shut up, Yugi. Bakura's telling you a stupid story."

Bakura raised a finger. "A story with truth."

"It's still a stupid story."

"What's your problem, Yami-kins?" Bakura taunted sweetly. "Is something up your ass—besides me?"

"Shut up, Bakura."

"Oh, I bet I know what it is! It's because it's the truth!" Bakura stated loudly. "You don't like the truth! You can't handle the truth!"

"I can't believe you're the guy I take out on dates."

"Face it—you're nothing without me, Yami-poo."

"ENOUGH!" Marik screamed. The room grew silent. "Enough about your damn present relationship. I want to know what happened back in Egypt."

"Yeah, me too," Ryou complained, holding a traumatized Yugi.

"…." Malik didn't say anything.

Bakura nodded to them all. "Okay, okay. If that is what you all want, then that is what I, the great Bakura, shall give unto you." He looked around the room, seeing that all eyes—besides Malik because he was, well, possibly dead, and Yami because this entire event was putting him out to be some freakish sexual predator… not that he isn't, or, anything like that—were on him, and the story could continue.

"I was out for about half the time, the other half slightly dazed. But by Ra, those few hours were the best of my whole thieving, miserable, skanky life." He sighed, grinning. "Why, we did used just about everything—whips, oil, daggers, the torches, that stuffed animal Atemu had tucked away for 'special' nights—"

"Fast forward to something, a little more G-Rate, please?" Ryou was still holding Yugi, who was now rocking back and forth muttering something about Yami and teddy bear gram crackers.

"Fine…," Bakura groaned. "Anyways, I remember when morning came, and I awoke to the sound of birds chirping, the sun shining….

… and his ass feeling like a herd of camel just rammed right through it.

Bakura blinked, rubbing his eyes of the sleep grime as he took in his surroundings. It took him a little while to recollect himself: silks, pillows, someplace indoors with no little whore snuggling next to him for warmth—

Oh, wait, Bakura thought. I'm in the Pharaoh's room. It was very different from waking up in the streets… except there was still a little whore sleeping next to him.

He glanced over to his left. Atemu was curled up under the sheets beside him, deeply asleep from last night's affairs. Bakura shifted where he lay; in response Atemu cuddled in closer, making a happy sound in his throat as a small smile graced his lips.

Oh yeah… those lips. Bakura remembered them from last night.

A small twinge came to his heart when thought about all that happened. It was such a strange evening, sweeping him up on a cloud of delights and drugged up wonders. The images were cloudy, his memory a bit vague for the most part… especially after the Pharaoh decided Bakura would be better off taking a snooze in the middle of the action—

Oh yeah! That's what happened! Bakura glared at his royal lover. "You sick little bastard. I should just kill you, right here, right—"

"Mmmemm…." Atemu snuggled up on Bakura's shoulder.

Bakura's glare softened a little. "… Uh, okay, maybe you can live just one more day."

He didn't know how to explain what happened over the night. Hell, he didn't even remember half of it! Still, just by looking at the Pharaoh's contented face, it reminded him of how the whole jig was, well, pretty sweet indeed.

Bakura slowly crawled out of the love nest, pushing past the veils of silk as he tried to stand up. He moaned as he found that motion very difficult.

"Argh, Ra damnit…." Grunting, he limped his way over to the window. Atemu had done a number on him—he wasn't even sure he could make it back to his hide-out before anyone saw him. He was going to have to try, though. There was no sense in staying at the palace—he would only get caught faster.

He headed for the balcony, only taking a small glance behind him at the sleeping Pharaoh. An amused smirk crossed his features. What a sadistic little bastard the guy turned out to be… Bakura's smile grew. He was starting to take a liking to this young king, despite his previous desires for revenge.

"Argh… but… by Ra, my leg…!" Carefully he continued his limp. This was great, but the whole thing left more injured than even his worst assignments had left him. There was no way in Hell that he was ever going to come back here again.

Despite the gold; despite the treasures, both in jewels and in, well, little sluty rulers. No, Bakura told himself. He was now on the balcony, testing the rope to make sure it was stable. There is no way that I'm ever, EVER coming back here again—

"Mmmemm… ah…" Atemu rolled over in his bed. Suddenly his sultry voice echoed through the room. "Leaving so early?"

"Huh?" Bakura turned around, a little startled. "Eh, yeah. Got to get back to—hey, I thought you were asleep!"

"That's fine," Atemu answered. "You should get going. The guards might catch you."

Bakura nodded. "Yeah—well, I'm off."

"Okay. Good bye, Tomb Robber."

"Yeah, good—" He froze. Bakura wheeled around, eyes wide. "W-Wait! You know who I am?"

Atemu half-nodded.

Bakura was flabbergasted. "Well… well then, why did you…?"

"Don't you think if I knew, it would have ruined the fun of it all?" Atemu stated, as if this were as plain as day. He gave Bakura a sleepy smile. "Besides, if I knew who you were, I'd have to kill you." He winked.

Bakura blinked. "Well, that makes absolutely no sense, but I'll go along with it, I guess."

"Yeah you do that." Bakura limped back to the balcony. He shook his head—this was crazy! Yes—there was definetly no way in HELL that he was coming back to THIS loony bin.

"So…" Atemu spoke as he hitched the rope and got moved onto the ledge. "See ya next week?"

Bakura slumped off the ledge, and down the rope. He got a glance of Atemu's smiling little face.

"… Yeah, next week." Then he was gone.

"The End."

Yugi and Ryou clapped quietly. Yami snorted, along with Marik.

"So, was that it?" Ryou asked meekly.

Bakura looked at him. "Um, I think that's what 'The End' means, baka."

"Well, yes, but… I just mean, what on Earth happened after that to make…." His voice trailed off. "You know, the whole destroying-the-world thing occur."

"Yeah!" Yugi agreed. "You guys sound like you had such a positive encounter. What made you decide to kill the Pharaoh, Bakura?"

Bakura looked between them all, the corner of his lip twitching. "… You want to know?"

They nodded. Bakura stood up.

"Do you really want to know?"

They nodded again, more enthusiastically.

"Alright then…." Bakura's face suddenly twisted into something resembling a wicked grimace. "FINE! I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" He turned to Yami, who looked at him curiously. He pointed at the former Pharaoh. "This no good son of a bitch gave me HERPES!"

Yami stood up. "I did no such thing! You know that!"

"All I know is that I got herpes, and that can't be denied!" Bakura growled. "You're the only one who could give them to me!"

"Oh, this coming from the guy who sleeps on the streets? Please, you banged whores who had a better chance of contradicting it than ME… whore!"

Bakura fumed. "Who are you calling a whore? Who's the guy who had the entire Royal Guard at his beck and call, and probably half the brothels? If anybody could give anybody herpes, it was YOU, baka! YOU!"

"WHY YOU—"

The two yamis jumped at each other's throats, wrestling each other to the ground. They started to pull hair and bitch-slap each other's faces.

"Oh… oh my!" Ryou stated, watching in horror.

Yugi gulped. "You said it."

"Uh-huh," Marik agreed.

"…."answered Malik.

"Hey, kids!" Grandpa Mutou's voice echoed up from downstairs. "I made some sandwiches. Does anybody want some?"

All the guys looked at one another. Yami and Bakura continued to wrestle on the carpet.

"Yeah, I'm in," Yugi said, scrambling towards the door. Ryou and Marik replied in equal responses, following the hikari down to the safe and story-proof kitchen.

"I hate you so much!" Yami hissed as he kicked Bakura in the shin.

"Gah! I hate you too, bitch-face!" Bakura shouted. They kept hitting and pulling on each other until they both tired out. Too worn to fight anymore, they both flopped onto the couch, trying to catch their breath. They slumped, looking at their feet with weary eyes.

"Well, that was fun," Bakura said between breaths.

"No it wasn't," Yami answered similarly.

"Ha! It was for me."

"… I don't care."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

They sat in silence. Finally, Yami looked over at Bakura.

"Hey um… well, sorry about the fight," he said softly. "It really wasn't intentional, you know—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

Yami twiddled his thumbs. "Well, um, you know, it's so strangely ironic but…" he chuckled. "Funny thing is, I kinda have these velvet ropes here, tucked in between the seat cushions…."

Bakura's eyes lit up. He turned to Yami. "Yeah… um, funny thing with me too. Strange… I see to have this pocket knife in my back pocket…." He pulled it out, showing Yami the red handle with hieroglyphs on the edges.

"…."

"…."

"… You horny?"

"Yeah—you wanna make-out?"

"Sure, why not."

And the two boys wrestled on top of each other again, now in a completely different manner, while totally ignoring the fact that Malik's paralyzed body lay helpless on the floor, unfortunately subjected to watch the entire event.

"H-Help me…."

The End

Author's Note: Woo! I never wrote anything that spicy before! Kinda sick… (smirks) but I like it!

Well, thanks for reading (and hopefully enjoying) my YGO porn episode. Nah, just kidding!

Well, if you liked it, give me a buzz. The button for reviews is right at the bottom! If you didn't like it, buzz me anyway. I don't care. Just BUZZ ME!

… Yeah, loves to me readers! Ciao!