The Weakest Link: Nintendo Edition
By: Wordsworth 13
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Kirby, Star Fox, Metroid, Donkey Kong, Game-and-Watch, Golden Sun, Kid Icarus or The Weakest Link.
Ichi-Ban!
It was dark, there were a few spotlights making a little light. Then suddenly a sharp female voice announced from the darkness "Hello, and welcome to the Nintendo edition of The Weakest Link! Let's meet the contestants and then we can start round one." One by one the spotlights lit up above the contestants as they make their declarations. The first is a short portly man in a red shirt and a pair of blue denim overalls "It's-a me, Mario!" He declared in a stereotypical Italian accent. "I'm from the Mushroom Kingdom, and I'm-a one year older than my brother Luigi!"
Next the light revealed a tall teenage boy with blonde hair, pointed ears and blue eyes that glint menacingly. "My name is Link," he said in an almost girlish sounding voice that seems better tuned for battle cries than a game show "I'm somewhere in my late teens or early twenties and I'm a Hylian." He finished calmly. Next a small round pink thing with beady, blue eyes, rosy cheeks and small, cute hands and feet, and an adorable pair of little red shoes. "Hi, I'm Kirby" it said in a sweet, innocent and positively huggable voice "I'm from Dreamland on Planet Popstar, I don't remember how old I am, and I like sugar and rainbows, but I really, really like Apple Pie-" He was interrupted by a confident voice, that of a true space hero, which it belonged to.
"Shut the hell up!" The figure to Kirby's left yelled at him, the light revealing him to be an anthropomorphic fox wearing a flight uniform and a red neckerchief. "I'm Fox McCloud, I'm twenty-eight and I'm from Corneria in the Lylat System." He glances at Kirby, who is now almost to the point of tears "Ah, whoops," he murmurs to himself.
Another light flashed on revealing a tall figure in what an expert would call a Chozo Battle Suit. The costume was yellow with a red helmet and a green visor. One of the person's hands was a gun for some reason. The form removed its helmet. Everyone gasped. "Mama Mia! It's a girl!" Mario exclaimed, almost to the point of fainting. Indeed it was a female, with fair skin and flowing blonde hair. "H-Hi, you're pretty." Kirby said shyly. The woman was slightly taken aback by this. "Why, thank you, little, uh, thing, you're very cute too." She said uncertainly. This left the pink puffball beaming and blushing brilliant scarlet. The voice hidden by a curtain of shadows coughed. "Ah, right" the blonde said before turning back to face the cameras. "I'm Samus Aran, I don't really live anywhere, and I haven't remembered to celebrate my birthday in years so I'm not sure how old I am." She told the viewers. The next light began to work its magic, showing the world a hunched ape with brown fur, and a red neck tie with the letters DK written in bouncy yellow letters on it. He tapped his microphone and slowly said "Me Donkey, me from DK Island, and me ten." In a rather uncertain tone, either not sure the microphone would work or not sure that he was ten, from DK Island or Donkey Kong, which I can assure you, he was. Except for the part about him being ten, gorillas can't count very well.
After this rather dismal display of primal intelligence, which I can say inspired no confidence in any of the other contestants, yet another spotlight shone down unveiling from the darkness a two dimensional black stick figure with a big nose and an open mouth. It looked like a man, but no one could tell. Producing a bell from nowhere and ringing it happily he picked up his voting card, upon which he had placed in bouncy writing the words: 'Hi! I'm Mr Game-and-Watch! I'm twenty-six and I live inside a liquid crystal display wristwatch.' Despite an eleven year career and a continuing legacy everyone looked confused. It seemed no-one had heard of him, and it was definitely a 'him' now, thus the 'Mister', but he was now absent-mindedly cooking sausages on a frying pan that seemed to have simply appeared in his hands. It was that, or he had very big pockets, which he probably didn't.
Then, the next spotlight to the right to reveal a brown haired person in his late teens, he was oddly dressed in a variety of leather armours covering his muscular form. He was carrying a sword and looking at the floor. "My name is Felix, I'm seventeen years old and I'm from Vale." He said like he'd had the lines in his head for the past few minutes. He didn't take his eyes off of the ground. A further light flashed on and a winged figure in a white tunic stepped forwards. He too had brown hair, but his was short and he had large brown eyes as well. He was wielding a bow and looked to be an angel of sorts. "My name's Pit, I'm immortal so it doesn't matter how old I am and I'm from heaven. Or hell, I can't remember, or maybe I was from one and trapped in the other. Uh…"
The hidden voice hissed at him, "Shut up!" and he did so. "Now introducing your host, the most evil person in the universe…"
"Bowser?" Mario ventured
"Ganondorf!" Link declared in irritancy, thinking he'd had to kill the damn pig-man enough times already.
"A dentist? No, a cabbage farmer, or, maybe even;" Kirby paused for effect "a dietary consultant!" he whispered, his voice worn down by shear horror.
"No, me, Anne Robinson." The figure of the diabolical British game show host stepping forth from the darkness. Everyone screamed, even the director.
"Uh, actually…" A deep gravely voice announced from above them "Because of some licensing issues, you're not allowed to be here. So, I'll be replacing you."
The voice's owner then plunged to the floor from a great height, showing himself to be a grey stone cube with a corrugation around the edges. He had a face as well. This is unusual in most rocks, so it was quite certain that this particular lump of igneous rock was what the common man calls a thwomp. It was wearing a bow-tie around its 'neck' and that was about it.
He landed on Anne Robinson.
"Mama Mia!" Mario cried out in utter disbelief "You killed Anne Robinson!"
"Something for which Hyrule thanks you and the world thanks you." Link said graciously, bowing his head in solemn appreciation.
"Huh? What" The thwomp said, leaning himself up to look at the splattered remains of the demonic T.V. star upon his hindquarters. "Oh, eew, can someone help me scrape this off?" He pleaded
"Wait 'til the camera's away from you!" The director hissed discreetly.
"Okay," he said turning to face his contestants "alright, I'm just the thwomp and the rules are each round everyone gets three questions, which is an alteration of the usual rules because the readers, uh, viewers will read, I mean, interpret, each round at different rates. Now we'll start with the first player and continue clockwise, that's you Felix, and continue clockwise until everyone has answered three questions. To save money you can say 'bank' but you will break the chain the team was building up, and if a chain is successfully completed the round will end early and you will have earned one thousand, err… what are we using again?"
Everyone glanced at each other unknowingly, and suggestions began to fly: Coins? Rupees? Doughnuts? Credits? Cookies? Dollars? Pounds? Apple Pies? Yen? Eventually after much discussion between contestants, the thwomp and the director, and in the end the chosen medium was determined to be… Shares of Nintendo stock!
"Very well, if you make a successful chain you will receive one thousand shares of Nintendo stock. Now, let's begin, with you Felix. Your question is: in mathematics what is one plus one?"
"Uh, two?" Felix said, somewhat fazed by the lack of difficulty.
"Correct." Pit breathed a sigh of relief; he had thought this was going to be hard. "Now, Pit, in particle physics, how many orbits does one molecule of polonium have?" Pit un-breathed his sigh of relief, which is a peculiar thing to see indeed.
"Uh, um, five?" The angel said uncertainly
"Wrong, the correct answer is eighty four. Mario! In geography, what metal towers resides in Paris?"
"Uh, the Paris Tower?" Mario said indecisively. Of all his skills, thinking was apparently not one of the plumber's strongest.
"Wrong, the correct answer is the Eiffel Tower. Link; in meteorology: name one measurement used to gauge temperature."
"Uh, Centiheitius?" The elfin boy ventured
"Wrong! I would have accepted Celsius, Centigrade, or Fahrenheit. Kirby I-"
"Bank!" The magenta sphere cried out
"You can't bank unless you have money, Kirby in cooking; name an ingredient used to make gingerbread men."
"Um, gingerbread." He suggested in his girlishly high voice.
"Correct! Fox, in astrology" at this point a confident smile spread across the canine's face "what is a red quasar?" Fox's smirk instantaneously vanished.
"Uh, a quasar that's red?" He tried nervously. The thwomp looked down at the question card and his eyes widened.
"Yes." He said in mild surprise "Samus, in chemistry what would atoms are there in sodium tetra-sulphate?"
"Sodium, sulphur an oxygen." She answered confidently.
"Correct" the thwomp said, confirming the validity of her answer. This made her quite popular. "Donkey Kong, in biology, what is the main prey of the insect creature; metroid?" Donkey Kong did not know. Samus was desperately signalling in any way she could think of 'X'.
"Uh, banana?" the ape answered.
"Wrong the correct answer was the X Parasite." The thwomp told him.
Well, that's that, next chapter will continue this round and maybe even get into the next. What do you think? Please tell me. Also, in round three I will bring in an extra character, and you can vote on who you want it to be! I can't pick that's why, don't think I'm nice or anything. Your choices are Luigi Mario, Princess Zelda de Hyrule or the MetaKnight!