Birthday Hassle

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN IT YOU BLOODTHIRSTY BASTARDS!!!! (throws rocks at lawyers)

The normally peaceful atmosphere of the Court of Pure Souls was shattered by shouts, the clangor of blades, and a grudging grunt as the dull side of a sword bounced off the target's ribcage. "32!" The cry went out over the command receiver waves. It was November 19th, and Zaraki's once a decade birthday harassment had been under way for two hours.

The Start (8 AM): Zaraki Kenpachi stood by the main gates of the eleventh division compound and twitched. Across the way, third seat Madarame Ikkaku was giving a quick review of the rules to what was fast becoming one of the Captain's biggest headaches.

"All right you sorry sons o' bitches! Listen up, 'Cause I'm only goin' through this once!

Rule #1. Strike with the flat of the blade only! Rule # 2. Taicho's got 'is reiatsu hauled in as far as it'll go; but if you don't wanna chance it, feel free to grab 'is arms or try an' hold 'im down while someone else goes for a hit. Anyone helping out gets partial credit. Rule #3. No arguing' with the Ref! Any calls she makes are final.

As for Taicho, he's got to keep his reiatsu in 'til either we reach the goal or he makes it to the safe zone. He can't strike back, unless you try to cut him. Then he can lop your fuckin' arms off if he feels like it. He can dodge, block, or run if he wants to. If we get all the hits, Taicho gets none of his presents 'till next year an' no alcohol for a week." Here Zaraki growled something about broken beer bottles sensitive areas of the body that even made Ikkaku wince. "After 6, if he can make it to th' chow hall without us getting' 'em all, he's safe. Got it? Then let's get 'im! 282 hits to go!"

Zaraki planted himself firmly in front of the gates and watched them come on. He had an hour until they opened; and with his sake at risk, he'd be damned if he would let these miserable puppies drive him away from them.

Back to the present (10:38 AM): He skidded around a corner and slid to a halt. Waiting for him a short way down the passage was a grinning Yumichika and three rookies. "Che, sneaky fuckin' fruitcake…" Yumi's grin, impossibly, only got wider. "As we planned, gentlemen?" Two of them dove for his arms as the fifth seat and their stronger companion drew swords. The barest hint of his trademark psychotic smile slid across thin lips as, with a contented little chuckle, he brought his arms up; dragging the rookies into the path of the incoming swords. Just when Yumi, who'd been expecting this and jumped to clear the blockage, thought he was going to get in his eighth hit of the day, Zaraki somehow managed to hook the third boy through the belt with his sword and took the whole group over backwards. Yumi managed to divert the blow and then dodged as all three stunned newbies were thrown at him en masse. His attention wavered for a moment as Ikkaku, two other ranking officers and… Renji? Came around the same corner as the captain had. So it was only Yachiru's giggle of delight that warned him in time to brace himself as Zaraki's hand, closely followed by all 200 odd pounds of his weight, landed on his head. His captain had just taken the opportunity to get up on the roof and temporarily disable and opponent at the same time; the big evil bastard. Now he wouldn't be able to go after him until he fixed his hair! He rounded on his division mate and their former companion, demanding an explanation. Zaraki took off along the rooftops towards twelfth division, hoping to get a breather in the one place none of them would dare to follow him.

Interlude for an explanation: While pursuing Zaraki down a hallway on the edge of Tenth, Ikkaku and Co. nearly ran down Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, and Renji. Hitsugaya ordered them to explain and this is what Renji and Ikkaku told him. Roughly forty years ago, not too long after Renji joined the eleventh, another new recruit who had died not long before that introduced the concept of "Birthday Smackins". One blow for each year of life, and the recipient is not allowed to strike back. It was the tradition among soul reapers to celebrate every decade instead of once a year; starting the year you joined the ranks. As it happened, Zaraki's 242nd birthday was a little over a week away. So it really wasn't surprising that the first words out of Ikkaku's mouth were "Oh sure, I can just see Taicho putting up with that. Things went downhill from there. In all honesty the captain hadn't had many objections, besides not being able to strike back and having to hold in his reiatsu. That is, until he read the fine print and found the threat to his alcohol. Too bad he'd already signed it. That first year it was limited to their dojo, but it had quickly become apparent that this made it too easy for Kenpachi to hole up in a corner and hold them all off until it was time to make his dash for the door. The next year it was limited to the main office building, and the year after that, it was the whole compound. The results were about the same. The highest they'd ever gotten was one hundred and ten hits, and the total was only going up. Either they needed more people, or they needed to get Kenpachi off of familiar ground. Hence this year's shift to using the whole court. It was at this point that Renji came up with a plan that was going to make his former captain's life very…interesting, for the next eight hours. "Why don't we let the rest of the captains and their lieutenants join in? That should give us a much better chance, right?" Ikkaku ran over the rules in his head and found nothing saying they couldn't… "I like it. You wanna play, Hitsugaya Taicho?" The shortest captain in the gotai thirteen cracked a smile full of such malevolent mischief that Ikkaku almost called the whole thing off right there. "I'll spread the word." Hitsugaya vanished as Matsumoto went to find Yachiru and watch.

Meanwhile, in the twelfth division court yard: "What the hell!" Zaraki blocked a number of high speed punches and then dodged a kick aimed at his shins. He'd actually overheard the conversation with Hitsugaya and expected some higher level opponents; but this was the last person he'd expected to get involved. Kurosutchi Nemu executed a perfect back flip and came at him again. Three minutes later the call went out. "Hits # 33 and 34 go to Nemmie-chan!" Zaraki hightailed it for the opposite side of the court. It was eleven o'clock in the morning, and he had another seven hours of pursuit to go. Better to hide around fifth's office than to stick around here. True, everyone would be after him again, but at least there were no commanding officers there to join the pursuit.

:It's amazing how fast such a big man can reverse his momentum,: Unohana thought as she watched Zaraki Taicho about face in mid stride and dodge around a corner. Seeing as this was his usual reaction to running into her when the overdue notice for his yearly check up had just been sent out, she really didn't think anything of it. Right up until Hitsugaya appeared beside her to give her the news. Since she was well known among the rank and file for her "motherly" disposition, Hitsugaya wasn't surprised to learn that she already knew all about this odd little tradition; and declined in favor of joining Ukitake in setting up a birthday party for their hunted and harried compatriot. After all, her turn to hunt him up was a bare two days away, and she figured he would shortly have all he could do to avoid getting the rest of his smacks in one go. The passage he had ducked down cut right across the tip of third division into second; and Soi Fong was sure to know all about it by now.

End Chp.1

(A/n: I was originally going to do this all in one piece, but I'm not going to have the time. I know it's not very funny at the moment, but please bear with me. If you still don't like it after that? Flames are fine as long as they are original. Constructive criticism is welcome.)

(A/n: For those who think an original flame is "this sucks" or "this is stupid" or any variations thereof…Bite me.)