You Drug Me Across the Line

We don't lie together anymore.

We used to be inseparable in our sleep. It used to be something I could count on after a trying day at work. It used to be something that made everything better.

"George knows." I whisper from my side of the bed.

He seems so far away.

Not just physically, but emotionally as well.

I see his eyes open and doesn't even turn to look at me, but panic is painted across his expression.

"Are you going to say anything?" I ask him incredulously as he turns to his side, facing away from me.

"There's nothing to be said, Cristina." He sighs, "You need sleep. You have surgery tomorrow."

I feel like he's reached out and smacked me. Actually, I think it would hurt less if he had done that.

Nonetheless, I don't respond, and I turn onto my side, close my eyes, and try to sleep.

Sleep never comes easy anymore.

Getting ready for work doesn't come easy anymore.

We used to be silly, dancing while brushing our teeth, barely able to keep our hands off of each other while dressing. Now? We do it in silence, and we don't even cast a sideways glance at each other.

The ride to work is almost painful, and arriving at work is chilly and detached.

We used to duck off to the side of the building and trade passionate kisses and gropes before work.

Now he can't get away from me fast enough.

Especially since we spend most of our day together, though we don't ever connect.

George has cornered me several more times. I assure him that everything is fine.

I spend most of my time dodging Bailey and O'Malley.

Then around 10, Burke pages me to the on-call room.

What is this? I think to myself, grinning. Maybe things are starting to look up.

I slide into the on-call room and see him standing against the bunk, his arms crossed.

He doesn't look happy at all.

"You paged me?" I ask, turning the lock until I hear it's satisfying click.

"We need to talk."

"About what?" I ask, sliding into the bottom bunk, crossing my arms over my stomach.

I feel sick.

"O'Malley knows." he hisses at me. "He knows, which means that you told him!"

"No! He saw you fishing. He saw that you were tremoring..." I trail off. "I told you that you shouldn't of gone!" I finally snap.

"You didn't want me to go because you wanted to do surgery."

"I didn't want you to go because I didn't want this...exactly this to happen."

"Well, it's happening, and now you have a valve replacement to do, Dr. Yang. That's what you want, isn't it? To take over my life, to take over my career."

"Dr. Yang? Burke...what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

I've never heard so much anger in his voice...but there's something else there.

Desperation?

"We can get someone else to do the surgery...someone else can do the valve replacement, and then George's dad will be fine. We don't have to worry about this."

"You've made your bed Cristina, now you're going to lie in it." he mutters, turning away from me.

I'm left speechless I don't know what to say.

There's so many things I'm feeling, contradictory to George's evaluation that I'm a robot. I'm scared, and I'm anxious, and I'm hurt...

I love this man. How can he say these things to me?

Does he hurt like I do?

"Burke, we've crossed the line. But we have a chance. We can stop this insanity right now...nobody has gotten hurt, and I want to keep it that way."

I lie when I say nobody has gotten hurt, because I have.

"You drug me across that line, Cristina. You're the one who wanted Preston Burke, you're the one who figured out how I could still operate, you're the one who started scheduling surgeries left and right. You're the one who started taking over the surgeries, you're the one who is so prepared as an intern that you make me look pathetic. I shouldn't feel inferior to you! You drug me across that line!" he yells at me.

I look down and see a tear land on my baby blue scrubs, I'm so numb I can't even feel myself cry.

"You drug me across that line." I mumble, not looking at him.

"What?" he scoffs.

"You drug me across that line. When I started this program, I wouldn't have ever fallen in love with my boss. When I started this program, I would've reported you to the chief. When I started this program, I wouldn't have put my internship at jeopardy for a man. For a friend. For a lover. I wouldn't have put this at jeopardy for anyone. You drug me across that line. This is your doing. You made this person, now you have to deal with me. You made me weak, you made me care, you made me human, and now you're going to have to deal with it, Burke."

He doesn't respond. He doesn't even reach out to me.

"We scrub in 5 minutes. I'm doing the surgery." he mutters, heading towards the door.

"But Burke.." I stammer, grabbing his hand, trying to pull him back.

He jerks it away from me, and it's like a knife through my heart.

"I'm doing the surgery, Dr. Yang. You will stand across the table from me, and you will assist from there. I'm doing the cutting, I'm doing the suturing, and you? You'll hold the retractors as any intern would do." he reiterates to me in a cold tone of voice I've never heard before.

I sit back down in the bunk as he walks out the door, my eyes stinging from tears I won't allow to spill.

I found him in this call room.

And now?

I feel like I've lost him in this call room.

TBC

A/N: My muse is alive and kicking, and I felt like a multipart story. I'm sorry for such a short chapter. I just want to thank everyone at More Than Coffee for the support! I'm so flattered and I don't even know what to think! I just figured I was a mediocre writer getting my frustrations out in words. Thank you SO much:)