WWF Vegeta

Disclaimer:  I am in no way affiliated with Dragonball Z or the WWF.  I like both.  This story is pure fiction and is meant to be nothing more than a humorous antidote.

"Ring.  Ring."  "Hello," answers Vegeta.  "Hello Mr. Vegeta.  This is Vince McMahon," says a voice over the phone.  "Who the hell is that?" says Vegeta.  "Well," says Vince, "I am the owner of the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm looking for new talent.  I've seen you on TV, in the World Martial Arts Tournament, and I think I have a spot for you."  "Wrestling, that fake fighting shit my son always watches?" Vegeta says.  "You've got to be fucking kidding me.  I am the prince of all Saiyans.  I've fought monsters and aliens all over the universe!  You want ME to participate in your bullshit, fake garbage?  Drop dead!"  "We'll give you a 500,000 a year contract," says Vince.  "When can I start?" responded Vegeta.

Vegeta showed up in Connecticut to finalize a contract with Vince.  While he was there, McMahon tried to explain the business as best he could.  "Now Vegeta," he began, "all the wrestling moves you see here in the WWF are real.  Only the storylines are fake.  I invite you to do whatever you want to the best of your abilities.  Feel free to perform any moves you like, providing you make a conscious effort not to hurt anyone."  "How am I supposed to avoid hurting anyone," said our hero.  "Don't you understand how powerful I am?  These weaklings you have working here don't stand a chance."  "Come now," said McMahon, I know all about the special effects they use when they televise the Martial Arts Tournament.  I am personally acquainted with Mr. Satan, and he assures me that all that golden hair nonsense and super powers are just an act.  The only reason I'm hiring you is because you look good and will make a great heel.  I remember when you tried to destroy the earth.  That's a great heat getter."  "Heat?  Heel?  What in the fuck are you talking about?" Vegeta says.  "Don't worry," says Vince, "you'll figure it out."  "Look," Vegeta continued, "the golden hair and super powers are all real.  Someone could really get hurt."  "Golden hair.  Use it!" says Vince.  "You'll be hot!  The only wrestler who can change his hair color!"  Vegeta thought hard to him self.  This sickening little man obviously didn't get it.  But, for 500,000 a year, fuck it all.  "OK.  I'll start whenever you want," he said.

(Two weeks later, Madison Square Garden)

Howard Finkle steps into the ring.  The crowd is hyped.  Fans are on their feet.  Bulma and Trunks are in the audience.  "Wow," thought little Trunks, "my dad's gonna be famous!"  The sound of glass breaking reverberated through the Garden.  "Ladies and Gentleman," began the Fink, "Coming down the isle, Stone Cold Steve Austin!"  The crowd goes insane.  Stone Cold gives his typical middle finger salute.  After that, he picks up the mike,  "Vegeta," he begins, "you come to the WWF and after only two weeks you get a title shot.  You think you're gonna beat Stone Cold Steve Austin?  You think all that tough talk and silly ass golden hair routine are gonna scare Stone Cold?  UH, UH!  I'm gonna kick your midget ass all over the Garden.  And that's the bottom line, 'cause STONE COLD SAYS SO!"  The crowd goes wild. 

Suddenly, Metallica blasts over the loud speaker.  The arena goes dark.  The crowd began to boo.  Out walked Vegeta, in Saiyan armor.  "Here comes Vegeta," says Jim Ross over his play by play mike, "being as new as he is, I doubt he has any chance against the 'Rattlesnake,'  This should be a quick one."  Vegeta steps into the ring, and climbs the turnbuckle.  He raises his arms, and the crowd boos insanely.  The distaste of the humans does nothing but bring an evil grin to his face.

The bell rings.  Stone Cold and Vegeta stare each other down.  The crowd can feel the tension in the air.  Finally, Austin throws a punch.  Amazingly, it goes right thru Vegeta.  "What the Hell?" exclaims Jim Ross.  Austin looks at has fist, then throws another punch.  Again, it goes right through the Saiyan.  "For the love of God," thought Vegeta, "This asshole's slow as shit!"  Austin looks at his fist again, then looks at Vegeta.  "What the hell is going on?" thought Austin to himself.

Now, it was the Prince's turn.  "McMahon wants a show?" he thought, "I'll give him a fucking show!"  Vegeta explodes into super saiyan form.  Austin is knocked on his ass by the power of the transformation.  Being a professional, he quickly gets to his feet, however.  He picks up the mike.  "Is that supposed to scare Stone Cold?" he says, "You might have blonde hair and green eyes now, but you're still the biggest piece of trailer park…"  Vegeta puts his middle finger over his thumb and flicks Austin in the chest.  Austin immediately coughs up a giant wad of blood and goes down.  Vegeta puts his foot on Austin's chest, and Earl Hebner counts 1, 2, 3.  "YOUR WINNER, AND NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION, THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS, VEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAA!"  The crowd boos loudly. 

After Vegeta leaves the ring, Hebner goes over to Austin.  "Nice job, Steve," he whispers, "You did a great job putting the new kid over.  Now get up and bitch and yell like we planned.  Steve?  Steve?  STEVE?  Uh, oh."

Vegeta retired 10 years later, undefeated.  Needless to say, no one else held the belt during that time, and 150 careers were ended due to injury.

The end.