Author's Note: Wow, I haven't written a parody since I wrote the parody of Bowling for Soup's "1985" to fit the Final Fantasy X-2 universe. But this was way too fun to not do. Come on, you'd be freaked out too. There will be another chapter after this one. :3

Info, yo: In case anyone has trouble figuring it out, this is what it all means:

Carrot top/Orange haired/Cat: Kyo
Effeminate/Feminine/Prince/Rat: Yuki
Worrisome/Concerned/High/Sincere: Tohru
Spooky/Ghostly/Corpselike/Hollow/Gothic: Hanajima
Blonde/Yankee: Uotani
Young/Merry/Happy/At computer: Momiji

Read this: This isn't directed at anyone in particular, and it isn't meant to offend anyone. It's a work of parody and satire, and is meant to make you giggle. I hope it accomplishes its goal.

Disclaimer: Fruits Basket its respective characters, settings, etc. copyright Natsuki Takaya.

"Canon Fire!"

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon, dismal as could be. Inside a rather large house on an even larger plot of land (well, we should hope so), were more than a few irate teenagers.

"Damn rain," muttered an orange haired one, his frustrated words almost incoherent.

"Don't blame it on the weather," came a boy's effeminate voice.

"Yeah, Kyon-kichi, what's got you so down? Sad because you can't go to the hair salon and get your dye job redone?" chided a girl with long blonde hair.

"Shut up, Yankee! You're so… annoying…" muttered the orange one, his voice gradually losing its vigor.

"His aura is unusually calm," a hollow, ghostly tone remarked.

"Then why isn't he more bearable, Hana-chan?" asked the blonde.

"I'm afraid the cat suffers from an inborn illness called stupidity," said the feminine boy.

"You're suffering from an illness, Kyo-kun!" asked a high voice, laced with concern and alarm. "Will you be all right? Should I call Hatori-san!"

"You're so stupid," muttered the carrot top. "He was kidding. Damn rat."

"Don't call Tohru-kun stupid, Kyon-Kyon," said the blonde menacingly.

"You're just as stupid as she is, Yankee."

"You wanna go?" yelled the Yankee.

"Calm down, Arisa-san," said the monotonous, corpselike voice in a tone that most wouldn't consider soothing. "We should all find something else to do, since we cannot play badminton."

"Badminton was a stupid idea," complained the orange haired boy.

"Just stop talking," said the feminine one.

"For once, I agree with the prince," said the blonde.

"I know!" said a young, merry voice, as if it had just appeared in the room. "Shigure-san left his computer! Let's go use it!"

"That's a stupid idea," complained the orange haired boy. Ignoring him, all the others agreed that it was, in fact, a pretty all right idea.

As they entered the next room with exaggerated stealth, the youngest, merriest one of the group crept up to the laptop. Tentatively, he flipped it open. The bright screen illuminated the dark room.

"I guess it was already on," stated the carrot top.

"Brilliant deduction," replied the prince.

"Maybe we shouldn't be doing this?" said the high voice, erratic with worry. "Won't Shigure-senpai be mad? What if someone catches us? We shouldn't be doing this!"

"Shut up, you're worse than Ritsu," scolded the cat.

"I'm sorry!" apologized the girl.

"You shouldn't apologize, Honda-san," said the effeminate one, exasperated.

"And stop flailing, Tohru-kun," said the spooky voice.

"I'm sorry!" the girl apologized again.

The computer clicked as the youngest one pressed a button. "Ooh, looks like Shigure-san was on a site called 'Fan Fiction Dot Net'."

The blonde leaned over. "What's fanfiction?"

"I've heard about it before," said the young one, "from some kids at school. It's when people write stories about things like manga and T.V. shows and stuff. A bunch of kids in my class like to read ones about Mogeta."

"Frickin' Mogeta," grumbled carrot top.

"What's the page he's on? 'Fruits Basket'? What's a fruits basket?" asked the blonde.

"It's improper grammar, is what it is," the effeminate one told her.

"I'm sensing strange vibes," the gothic voice said. "They seem to be emanating from that computer."

"Look, Kyo-kun's name is in the description for one of these stories! Tohru-kun's and Yuki-kun's too!" exclaimed the excited young voice.

"What the hell?" asked the cat. "People are writing stories about me?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" the blonde suddenly burst into laughter. "Oh, that's freaking great!"

"What is it, Uo-chan?" asked the worrisome voice.

The blonde knelt over, clutching her stomach as tears began to stream down her face from the force of her giggling. "One… o-one of them h-has Ky-Kyon-kichi in l-love with Yuki-kun!" she managed to say between gasps.

The rat and the cat both paled.

"As if!" shouted carrot top, face flushed. "Like I would ever! That's sick! That's just GOD DAMN SICK!"

"You think I'm happy about it!" shouted the effeminate voice.

"Actually," said the young voice, "a lot of them seem to have you two in love."

"Is there something you aren't telling us?" said the blonde, still laughing rather hard.

Meanwhile, the worrisome girl's head was swirling as she fainted to the floor at the mere possibility of such a crack pairing.

"Honda-san!" exclaimed the prince.

"She's fine," cooed the ghostly girl.

"You have nothing to worry about," said the happy voice at the computer. "You guys totally aren't canon."

There was a long pause before… "What?" asked everyone simultaneously.

The young boy shrugged. "Never mind. Hey, look, this one says that Uo-chan loves Kyo-kun!"

The blonde immediately stopped giggling and stared at the happy boy. "What?"

"Not so funny now, is it, Yankee!" yelled the cat.

"Like I'd ever want to be with someone as thick as you!" defended the blonde.

"Like I'd ever want to be with someone as bitchy as you!" replied the orange haired boy.

"You wanna go? Let's go! Right here, right now, Kyon-Kyon!" challenged the girl.

"Calm yourself, Arisa-san," soothed the gothic one.

"And don't call me 'Kyon-Kyon'!" snapped Kyon-Kyon.

"This one says Hana-chan loves Ha'ri!" the happy boy piped up.

"Who is Ha'ri?" asked the ghostly girl.

"But I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home and bake cookies with Dick Cheney," mumbled the worrisome girl as she came to.

"Are you all right, Honda-san?" asked the prince.

The sincere girl realized where she was. "Oh, Yuki-kun, I'm fine! A-and, you know, i-if you and Kyo-kun really feel that way about each other, I-I wish you the b-best! R-really!" she said, blushing madly.

"We do not!" the cat and the rat yelled in unison. The concerned girl sighed in relief, sweat dancing on her brow.

"What's a transsexual?" asked the merry boy. The others all turned and stared.

"… Why?" asked the feminine boy tentatively.

"This one says that Akito-san's a transsexual," explained the boy.

There was a short pause before the cat and the rat both burst into laughter.

"This one's about Uo-chan trying to kill herself," remarked the happy boy curiously.

"No, Uo-chan! Don't do that! Are you all right! If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here! Please don't kill yourself!" shouted the worrisome girl over the two boys' raucous laughter.

"Tch, like I'd ever be that emo," remarked the blonde dryly.

"I'm sorry, what?" asked carrot top. "I couldn't hear you from behind your sideswept hair. Hey, do you have the new Hawthorne Heights CD? I'd love to borrow it. I ran out of razors and unfortunately the jagged edges of my sorrow aren't enough to pierce the supple skin of my wrist."

"Tohru-kun, stop flailing," reprimanded the spooky girl, ignoring the others.

"There's one written all about Tohru-kun, Uo-chan and Hana-chan," said the boy, changing topics.

"Really?" asked the worrisome girl who wanted to bake cookies with Smurfette.

"Yeah, it's called 'High School Girls' and it's written by dogman69. What does 'rated M' mean?" asked the boy.

Everyone else in the room paled.

"I'm gonna kill him! That bastard!" screeched the cat as the rat's expression quickly changed into one that could kill.

"That damn pervert!" cursed the blonde girl, pulling a lead pipe out of Hammerspace and preparing to smash the laptop to itty bitty pieces that would represent the itty bitty pieces she was going to smash Shigure into.

"What's everyone so angry about?" asked the concerned girl, completely oblivious to the innuendo currently smothering the room.

Just as the blonde was about to strike the computer, the prince's voice cut in, cool as ice, "I've got a better idea."

As the others crowded around to listen, a plan began to form. Had you been there, you would have heard them whispering things such as, "and then we psst psst," and "so the plan is psst psst," and it would have been quite informative indeed.