Title: Pinned
Fandom: FF7
Pairing: implied SxC
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Humor. Insanity. Zack molesting pins. Abuse of secretaries. Shounen ai. Oh, and Reno. A bit. XD
Disclaimer: Squeenix I not be, yes.

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Pinned

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Zack realized that he had a problem. He had a problem because his two closest friends, who were not speaking to each other (not that they ever were, with one being a six-foot war god and the other being busy worshipping the ground he walked on), were also currently not speaking to him. Zack suspected this might have something to do with the fact that he had locked the both of them in 56th floor's supply closet. And possibly the fact that said supply closet could not comfortably house two people, unless they got into a position that looked like they were humping each other.

Which Zack had hoped they would do, seeing how he had so graciously provided them with sufficient time to get it on. Alas.

"You know, sex is supposed to make people relax," he said, attempting conversation for the umpteenth time in the space of ten minutes.

Sephiroth proceeded to spread a map of the Corel Mountains across his desk and ignore him.

"And you really need to relax," Zack plowed on, "You made five secretaries quit in the last two months. Poor Miss Tingle is starting to develop that tic they all got before they ran outta here."

'That tic' being the spontaneous and rather understandable urge to dive beneath the front desk whenever Sephiroth announced his ill-humored presence in the form of plaster raining from the ceiling. Now, meetings with Heidegger and the committee were not Zack's idea of a good time, either, but they were nothing a bit of fun and a visit to Aerith's in the evening couldn't cure, so he had been forced to conclude that what Sephiroth was lacking was a sex life, seeing how Zack was around to provide him with sufficient entertainment.

The silver-haired man's hand slid towards an ornately carved letter opener which did not look like something Sephiroth would buy at all, and had to have been part of some horrendous attempt at bribery.

"Alright, alright! I'm sorry!" Zack cried, hastily waving a hand in self-defense. It was high time he started apologizing if Sephiroth was reaching for sharp and pointy things. "I won't do it again, okay? I'll be good, promise."

That seemed to reassure Sephiroth, because his hand immediately detoured to the box that was sitting on the edge of the map. As he began extracting multi-colored pins and sticking them into the map in preparation for the planned maneuver, Zack let out a soundless sigh of relief and uncrossed his fingers behind his back.

Hehe, fooled ya.

Thus not honor-bound by a promise, Zack perched himself on the opposite edge of the desk and began helping by prying differently colored pins out of the box and putting them in position.

How boring.

Sephiroth's eye twitched as Zack laid out a pair of pins in a disturbingly accurate rendition of a 69. "Whaaat?" Zack asked innocently and nudged the top pin closer to its "goal". Sephiroth stabbed his own pin between the pair.

"Hey!" the dark-haired SOLDIER exclaimed. "You're killing the mood!" He took a closer look at the placement of Sephiroth's pin and added in a dramatic wail, "You speared their wangs! You cruel, cruel man!"

"It is hardly my fault if your troops are engaging in inappropriate activities in the middle of a war zone, lieutenant," Sephiroth responded calmly.

Zack glanced up from where he was attempting to salvage his two lovey-pins, his dismayed expression turning into a smile. Apparently, Sephiroth's resolve to be angry with him for the next fifty-something years had been broken, which meant he could go back to teasing without fearing for his life.

"Seriously, Seph. It may have been the wrong way to hint it at you..." - the General snorted - "...but I really think a boyfriend would do you good."

"A boyfriend," Sephiroth said flatly, not even bothering to make it a question.

Zack harrumphed and began placing "kneeling" pins in front of each of Sephiroth's upright ones. Sephiroth waited until he was finished, then started picking the bent pins up one by one.

The dark-haired man pouted for a moment, then said, "Yes, a boyfriend. Because you obviously need more than an orgasm on a regular basis."

Sephiroth aimed a handful of the twisted pins at Zack's head with barely a glance.

The dark-haired SOLDIER gave a yowl that was loud enough to be completely fake and started plucking the pins out of his hair while Sephiroth pulled out a sheet of paper and began jotting down notes and calculations. Finished with brushing the miniature torture instruments out of his hair, Zack glared and returned to arranging the "soldiers" on the map in earnest.

"As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted..." Here, he threw another pointed glance at Sephiroth, who was sadly too busy to notice. "Spike would make the perfect boyfriend. I mean, he adores you already, so he certainly wouldn't say no if you made a pass at him, and he's this really sweet, caring kind of guy who'd love to do anything to make you happy."

"He is also barely fifteen," Sephiroth interjected, still scribbling.

"T'che. Trust you to be hung up on just that."

"I am not 'hung up' on that. I simply can't see why you insist on setting me up with a boy who is not only half my age, but who is also my subordinate and with whom I have never even exchanged two words in a row. And on a side note, your locking us into a closet was not much of a remedy."

"Why? I already told you, he's cute, and sweet, and has a really nice ass. If you got together, I'd finally be able to bribe Aerith with yaoi pictures when I'm late for our dates..."

"Excuse me?!"

Zack waved a hand dismissively. "Anyway, my point is, he thinks you're hot, I think you'd both be hot, and you obviously think he's hot too, or you wouldn't be so distracted by the topic."

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed. "What makes you think that I'm distracted?"

The dark-haired man broke into a wide grin, as if he had just been waiting for Sephiroth to ask. "Well, maybe because you haven't noticed my troops have broken into your base camp and are anally assaulting your chain of command." He motioned to the location of the base camp, where Sephiroth's neatly placed red "commander" pins had been bent over and a couple of blue "trooper" pins had been placed behind them, their midsection twisted outward to simulate thrusting hips.

"Or maybe the fact that you're currently multiplying Cloud with Cloud." He waved at Sephiroth's sheet. "Whichever seems more likely. Take your pick."

Sephiroth was about to deny it, then glanced down at the paper and noticed that he had indeed accidentally added Cloud's name on both sides of the calculation. He sighed again, crumpled up the sheet and began rewriting his notes.

"Hmmm... although... Cloud on Cloud would look hot, too," Zack mused airily. "If he had a twin, that is. Which he hasn't. Pity."

Glancing up at a strange noise from across the desk, he noticed that Sephiroth looked distinctly flustered. Which was saying something, since Sephiroth had not even looked flustered at the time Zack had replaced his slides with photographs of Scarlet and her secretary in compromising positions (for which he still owed Reno, he reminded himself).

"Awww, that's cool, you know. Means I'm not setting up Cloud for heartbreak. You should tell him as soon as possible, so he can stop twisting himself into knots over what should have yet didn't happen in the supply closet. In fact, I could call him up right now..."

As Zack reached for his PHS, Sephiroth reached for the letter opener. A moment later, Zack was surveying the sputtering, sizzling wreckage of his PHS from where it was pinned against the file cabinet.

Before he could start whining about his favorite toy being ruined (which also, incidentally, happened to be the third PHS he had been issued this week, as the others had all met with similar... mysterious accidents), Sephiroth drew himself to his full height and said with an air of absolute finality, "I have not, am not, and will never have sex with Cloud Strife."

A lot of things could be said about Zack, but not that he didn't know when he had better close his mouth and not say anything more.

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A week later, Sephiroth swept into the office with more enthusiasm than should be legal at an ungodly early hour on a Monday morning. Miss Tingle managed to keep her eyebrows from raising when her boss turned and quietly closed the door, thus relieving her of her daily duty of calling maintenance to patch up the ceiling again. She bravely concealed her surprised gasp when he collected his appointments from her desktop without even a noise of disdain. However, when Sephiroth reached his door, turned back around and added a polite "good morning" almost like an afterthought, the poor woman fainted to the floor.

When Zack heard the story from a rather nonplussed Reno (who had happened to come by, seen the unconscious secretary on the floor, and attempted to revive her with what he referred to as the 'Turk Specialty' - upon which the hapless lady had woken up screaming and immediately handed in her notice), he cackled in triumph and started sauntering towards his superior's closed door.

When Reno asked him what the hell was up with everyone's favorite general, Zack smirked meaningfully but stayed silent.

He would not tell Reno that he suspected it had something to do with the naked bow-wearing Cloud Sephiroth had found in his bed.

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A/N: Whee, that was fun. I love writing Zack as this totally wacky guy who comes up with crazy ideas to get people where he wants them. And I victimized Cloud! Again. Then again, it's not like he minds. ;P
- I just realized Sephiroth's last line and one of Zack's before that, are grammatical atrocities when you apply the principles of word substitution. Ah well, don't care, I like them.
- I'm almost certain something like this has been written before. Thought I'd put it up anyway, if only to hear the cries of outrage. XD

C&C, please?