Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the world would be traumatized.

Icha Icha Paradise- Version W

The people of Konohagakure weren't feeling quite as chipper as usual, as was the norm for this time of year; it was fast approaching the anniversary of Yondaime's death, and not even the younger generation could keep up quite as jolly a mood with their parents all spiraling down into a deep depression filled with those little black squiggles manga-ka use.

Easily, the most unhappy of all of these was Uchiha Sasuke, seventeen-year-old ANBU captain, but for a totally different reason. He, of course, believed that the cause of his depression was much more valid than that of the others: he was being forced to find a gift for his lover, Uzumaki Naruto- resident Kyuubi-holder and Hokage-hopeful- and he couldn't think of a single thing the annoying pest would want.

So that, of course, was the reason the poor Uchiha was now standing outside of a bookstore, degrading himself to buying the dobe a gag gift- a book. (Anyone who had ever met Naruto knew perfectly well that his reading skills were no better than an academy student's, and he made no efforts to hide this illiteracy.) And, of course, if Naruto wasn't amused by that he'd distract him with hours of mindless sex.

Milling through the isles of books, Sasuke found his eyes drawn to the easily recognizable cover of the infamous Icha Icha Paradise series- the newest volume in the new "W" series, judging from the sign hanging above it. Its bright orange cover and obnoxious red X over the cover reminded her of Naruto, and for kami-sama knows what reason, he started reading the cover flap.

Based on a true story. Wow, that was damn informative, Sasuke thought sarcastically. Flipped about twenty pages into the book, he read a few sentences:

…His lover's tongue slid down his stomach, tracing his firm abs and dipping into his belly button. He nibbled on the circular outlining of the blond's tattoo, making the latter shiver in delight. The dark haired man softly traced the tanned skin of his fox's inner thigh, and held back a groan as his lover's expert hands traveled farther down…

Sasuke shut the book immediately, twitching madly. He had barely been able to focus on the content of the text; his mind had become so numb after the first words. It was just mediocre porn- it wasn't even well written. He couldn't believe that his teacher had spent so much money amassing a collection of this shit. (He had visited Kakashi's house once and had been horrified to find that he had an entire bookshelf that reached across an entire wall of his apartment filled to the brim with the Icha Icha books.)

Once again, he hesitantly opened the book- this time to the first page. Sasuke assumed that even Jiraiya couldn't have been able to fit in something so explicit into the very first page of his novel- it had to have some semblance of a plot, or it wouldn't have become so popular.

He couldn't believe what he was seeing. The stone cold man he had known for so long was sitting there with tears streaming down his face, crying out his love for the one he had so long ago been intent on killing. For a moment, the blond thought he must've been dreaming. It was only when he felt lips upon his own, and a tongue being shoved down his throat did he realize he was fully conscious, and his friend wasn't pulling some kind of cruel joke on him.

Demanding hands slid up his shirt and ripped it off- completing wrecking his favorite jacket. This thought, however, was quickly destroyed when he felt the raven's hands begin to slide down into his pants, and he held back a gasp as he felt a firm hand take hold of his manhood.

It was then that he noticed his partner was still crying. He felt a tug at his heart, and he did his best to commune to Sasuke that he, too, had long harbored feelings for him.

Sasuke stopped dead, and then reread the first paragraphs. It was obviously a continuation from the last volume of W, and that would indicate that people had read at least another two hundred pages.

Based on a true story.

The twitching started again.

A thought ran through his mind: Kakashi read this. Jiraiya wrote this. That would imply that either he or a source had seen it happen- in detail. And, apparently, anyone over the age of eighteen no could purchase a published account of what could possibly be called one of the most embarrassing moments of his life.

In the form of mediocre porn.

Suddenly, killing Itachi was bumped down a rung on his priority list. The first place was now taken by the notion of finding, maiming, and killing both Jiraiya and his former sensei, with a subsection for burning every single copy of W he could get his hands on.

W. Double U.

Sasuke suddenly felt like he knew how it felt to be the dobe. Is this what Naruto goes through every day? Sasuke felt a surge of pity for his lover.

But at least now he had a perfect gift for Naruto: Jiraiya's and Kakashi's heads mounted on a plaque.

Grinning maniacally, Sasuke walked out of the book store cackling loudly, not even hearing the alarmed clerk's call of, "Uchiha-san, you forgot to pay for your book!"

A/N: I can't believe I just wrote that. I seriously cannot believe I just wrote that crap. I can't believe I'm posting it. I'm sorry to all of those that have to live with my first try at a not-so-nice fic, even if it wasn't all that bad. The M was mostly a cautionary rating, because my own sense of ratings has been destroyed and mutilated to a point I could probably mistake something that's PG-13 for G. Well, tell me what you thought! Compliments are appreciated, and flames will either be agreed with or laughed at!