Sea Turtle Salad with Rum

Ingredients:

1 medium-sized sea turtle
1 lb sweet potatoes
1/2 lb bananas
1 bottle of rum
salt, pepper

Clean the sea turtle and pry open its shell. If your knife slips and cuts you, disinfect the cut with rum. Then drink some rum against the pain. Have Ana Maria gut the turtle for you because you find the sight of sea turtle innards disgusting. Ignore all her comments about your cabin looking and smelling worse. Try not to upset her unless you really want to get slapped.
While Ana Maria finishes cleaning and cutting up the sea turtle, peel and slice the potatoes. If you cut yourself, repeat steps 2 and 3. Peel the bananas, but keep the peels - they will come in handy the next time you're near Commodore Norrington's house! (Try not to slip on them yourself, especially when carrying a jar of dirt..)
Ask Ana Maria if she has finished the sea turtle yet, but keep your distance. After all, she has at least one knife! Watch her roast the sea turtle slices, enjoy the smell but don't say a word unless you really feel suicidal. Hand her the bottle of rum, the sliced potatoes and peeled bananas, then slink off to the pub for a pie or some roast beef.