All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)
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(Several hours later; Neil is in the kitchen, stirring his lentil soup and looking depressed. Mike enters.)
MIKE
Hi, Neil. What's for supper?
NEIL
Lentil soup. As always. Mind you, I don't know why I even still bother to cook you supper, because no one cares if I spend the whole day in the kitchen…
MIKE
Neil, if you want to complain, do it when I'm not here, okay?
NEIL
Okay.
MIKE
Now, where are Rick and Vyv?
NEIL
I think they're upstairs. They've been chasing each other round the house all afternoon, trying to kill each other.
MIKE
(sits down in a chair and grabs a newspaper) Ah, the usual thing, then.
NEIL
No, Mike, it's like…really heavy, you know. I think they might actually really hurt each other this time…
(RICK comes running down the stairs with his hands covering his crotch and VYVYAN is chasing him with a chainsaw.)
RICK
Get away from me!
VYVYAN
Look, why won't you let me cut it off? There's practically nothing there in the first place!
RICK
And how would you know? Ha!
VYVYAN
Because once, I accidentally walked into the bathroom while you were taking a shower! Ha!
RICK
Oh, "accidental," was it?!
VYVYAN
Yes, it was!
NEIL
But Rick…you never take a shower!
MIKE
No, I think I know when that was, Neil. It was about five years ago.
RICK
(to VYVYAN) Ah, there you are, you see! You have no proof! It might have grown since then!
VYVYAN
What, the shower?
(RICK looks puzzled. NEIL puts some bowls and the pot with the lentil soup on the table.)
NEIL
Look guys, guys, supper's ready, okay? So let's just have some lentil soup and like, bury the hatchet, you know?
They all sit down.
VYVYAN
(enthusiastically) Hatchet?
MIKE
No hatchets while we're having our soup, Vyv.
RICK
(childishly and pointing at VYVYAN) Ha, ha, ha!
(VYVYAN reaches over across the table and slaps RICK's face. RICK tries to hit him back, but hits the hot pot of soup instead, which tips over into NEIL's lap.)
NEIL
(depressed) Oh, great, yeah. Thanks, Rick, that's just what I needed.
(VYVYAN gets up from his chair. RICK gets up, grabs the empty soup pot and throws it at VYVYAN's head, but misses.)
VYVYAN
Oh, so we're throwing things now, are we?!
(VYVYAN grabs the couch and lifts it up over his head, then throws it at RICK. The couch lands on top of RICK, who is thrown onto his back, sprawled across the table, his legs and arms flailing about hysterically.)
VYVYAN
Right. And now… (grabs the chainsaw and turns it on)
RICK
No, no!
VYVYAN
Yes, yes!
The chainsaw suddenly stops roaring.
MIKE
Looks like you ran out of petrol, Vyv.
(RICK gets up quickly, throwing the couch off of him and on top of NEIL's head, and stands opposite VYVYAN with his hands on his hips, looking annoyingly content. VYVYAN stares at him for a few seconds, and then knocks RICK over with the blade of the chainsaw.)
VYVYAN
(to MIKE) What do I need petrol for?
RICK
(getting up) This is not over yet!
NEIL
(dizzily) Come on, guys. What was this fight all about anyway?
VYVYAN
(pointing at RICK) He woke me up!
RICK
(pointing at VYVYAN) He said I was a girl!
VYVYAN
He hit me with a flower pot! (pause) And you are a girl!
NEIL
Guys, you have to stop being all heavy about this, you know? I mean, I get hit all the time, and I got boiling lentils thrown into my lap, and a couch on my head, but I don't hit you back, do I?
VYV & RICK
No…
RICK and VYVYAN look at each other, and then at NEIL.
NEIL
(a bit frightened) Erm…guys?
(VYVYAN grabs his chainsaw, RICK grabs a chair. The end credits start while VYVYAN and RICK chase NEIL around the living room, and MIKE reads his newspaper.)
THE END