Left Behind

SPOILER ALERT!: Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned!

Summary: "War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."

Genre: Drama

Rating: K

Author Notes: Another Kakashi POV… I couldn't help it. It's a different take on what I normally do – nothing but dialogue in this one. Just Kakashi visiting the Memorial Stone and having a little one-sided conversation.

Also, for regular readers of my Kakashi Chronicle series you might be able to pick up on some little allusions and hints on what's to come in Fade To Black and following stories… just to tie you over until I update (which will be very, very soon since it's Spring Break right now, I promise!).

Disclaimer: Me not own Naruto, please don't sue.

Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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"I wish I could've told you the things that were on my mind. I wish I could've said out loud how my life is. You gave me the opportunity to talk and I ran away – ran away so many times. I was afraid. Afraid of putting you in a position where you would know things about me that no one else did and asking you to stay silent about them. I was afraid. Afraid that you wouldn't sty silent about them – afraid you would seek help for me when I didn't do it for myself. I was afraid. Afraid of your rejection because it would hurt so much to lose you and I didn't think that I could take it. Everyone thinks that they know so much about me but they don't, no one fully knows, no one ever can.

"When fear becomes your life it's difficult to just put it behind you. When you're used to just coping and existing it's hard to know how to live when the opportunity arises. I thought ignoring the past would change the way I felt about life now. I thought that I would just be able to move on with my life.

"But I couldn't. Because the past will never fade, the memories still haunt me – still plague me. They're like an illness I can't cure. And I already have enough real illnesses to deal with that I don't need a fake, emotional one to attack me.

"You know. It gets to the point where you have covered things up for so long that you literally don't know how to tell the truth about them anymore. You think you're losing your voice – the words you want to say slip from your tongue. It becomes impossible to speak of the past when you hide from it for so long.

"Fear doesn't come close to describing anything. Pain isn't a word that covers even half of what I've been made to feel. I died a little inside every time I was betrayed, every time someone showed me their real colours – and trust me, it happened a lot. I have never since been able to find what I had, what I used to be. I'm not even sure I had the time to become someone before I was broken. They would hurt me and I would do nothing, you know. Just stay silent, just wait, just pretend it wasn't happening. I've always been good at that, always could pretend.

"It's amazing really. Amazing how unclean, how dirty, how guilty a person can feel and still stay silent. Still pretend. I never did anything to stop anyone from hurting me. I never fought back and I never said no. They always did what they wanted and left me a little more broken each and every time.

"And I would always go back. That's what hurts the most, you know. I would always go back. The only thing that made me feel like I wanted to live was that they always took me back – just to hurt me again. I've never been right in the head, never could understand that I shouldn't go back.

"I see them sometimes. It's funny because I know they're not alive. They either killed themselves or I killed them. Usually the second one. But I still see them – living their lives. And I think; how can they do that? How can they live as if nothing had happened. Then I realize that they're really dead and that it's not really that hard anyways. Hell, I live everyday as if I was never hurt, as if it never happened. I just pretend.

"I know that I deserve this. That it's the price I pay for covering things up. I just wish there wasn't such a big price to pay for everything that happened, for everything that I didn't do.

"And now, now this has all become something that freezes inside me. Something that sticks in my throat, something that I can never say. Something, that even now, tears me apart. I tear myself apart because it's the only thing I know how to do. I will never be able to say this, will never find the words to adequately describe the pain inside, or the way that it was then.

"Can you forgive me for being so weak, for letting my past haunt me in this way?

"I always thought that one day – just one day – I would tell you. You know. In the near future. We had plenty of time… no need to worry. We were friends, we were young, we were skilled. There was no way either of us would die before I got the chance to speak what I needed to say.

"But then you went of and got yourself killed. And now I stand by the Memorial Stone, a slab of black marble, and speak the words I could never say when you still breathed.

"I wonder, you know. Think a lot. Do you resent me? Did I ever betray you? I know I hurt you. I know I hurt you a lot. But did I ever cause you the same terrible, unbearable pain that so many have dealt to me? Dear God I wish I didn't. But I wonder. Because I know that it's quite plausible that I could've. When it happens so much to someone it becomes like a poison to them that they pass on without knowing. I hope I never did. I hope that somehow I spared passing on my poison to you.

"But I can't be sure. I can't be positive. I fear that I contaminated you. I fear I destroyed you. Sometimes I wonder if you took the mission just because you knew how risky it was and you knew that there was a high chance you would die. I wonder if you took the mission so that you could die and be free of me.

"Perhaps I'm overreacting. But I can't help it. I never meant to hurt you – I hope you know that. I never meant to cause you pain. And I hope I never hurt you so much that you wanted to die. Because I fear that that happened – and it tears me up inside. It's painful for me to just think about how much pain I caused you. It hurts so much knowing that I hurt you.

"I never meant to. But I can't help it, I've never been able to. And I think now. I wonder if I can live without you. I wonder if I can cope. You saved my life so many times. You always found me at just the right time… never too late. I can't even count the number of times you found me overdosed and nearly dead – there's too many. I'm alive today because of you.

"But you're not here now. And I fear I won't be alive for long. Your death hurts – like a knife through the heart. It aches. Because I know it's my fault. It was my mission but I refused. It's kind of funny you know – the first mission I ever refuse causes the death of my best friend. A coincident or a sign? I'm not sure.

"I was planning on overdosing tonight… you know. Maybe die, maybe not. Leave it in the hands of fate. I've already avenged you death and got nothing out of it – like always – so there's no real point in me staying around anymore. But then, you know, there's your child and all that I have to consider. Shikamaru is being pretty adamant about protecting Kurenai and helping to raise your child. But Shikamaru's still a kid himself and there needs to be someone else there.

"I like to think that I'd be able to help but I don't know if I can. I really don't know if I can handle raising a child. Not after… not after… while, you know. I can't even speak of it and I expect to be able to deal with it. But I can't. I'll never be able to forget and therefore I'd probably never be able to help raise your child – I'd be useless. It's funny though, cause everyone always said I was such a good father before. But now, now I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

"I'm not sleeping anymore. I never really did before, never really have. But now it's worse. It's hard because I wasn't there. I didn't see what happened – I didn't see how you died. Shikamaru told me, when I asked. It was painful for him to speak of it and I wish I didn't have to know – but I always have to know, that's just me. It was probably painful. I don't know if that's good or bad. I guess you got the big bang you always wanted. You died with flare, you died in a way that will be remembered. That's what you wanted so in the end I guess it worked out – for you at least.

"I keep imagining what happened. Little scenes play out in my head based on my own knowledge and what Shikamaru told me. Scenes of how you died. Some are more painful to watch then others. I can't turn them off either. Once they start I'm trapped. I guess they're delusions but I don't know for a fact. I should probably go get some medication for them but I already take so many pills – I don't really feel like having to take anymore.

"You know. I realized today that I don't really know much about you. It's kind of too late to ask now, since you're dead and all. But everything was always about me. I wonder if that's the way you wanted it. You know so much about me. Almost everything that I've ever gone through you know about it. It wasn't always easy for you to get it out of me either, was it?

"There's so many questions I want to ask you. So many things I'd like to know. Too bad I didn't think about them until it was too late. Too bad I didn't realize my mistakes until it was too late. But that isn't too surprising for me – it always seems to end up like that.

"I cut yesterday. It bled for a long time. I felt guilty, like always. But it was harder then normal, you know. Your place is empty and there's no where left for me to go. I still go there sometimes – just because it smells of you. That's kind of stalker-ish really. And if your offended or creeped out then I'm sorry. But it's really the only way I can cope.

"If I pretend hard enough it feels like you're just on a mission, like you just haven't come back. It helps a bit. But then I snap back to reality and realize that yes, you haven't come back, but unfortunately you never will. You don't return from death.

"It would probably be easier to forget about you, lock your memory away. It would work for awhile but eventually I would crack. Only this time you won't be here to pick up the pieces and glue me back together. So I'm on my own and I guess I have to figure out a way to cope or else I'll be joining you.

"I've been craving drugs since the day you died. I won't lie – I've caved a couple times. It's hard not too… especially when the pain is this strong. Every time I do them though I think of you. You gave up so much to get me clean and now it's all gone to waste. I'm sorry, you know. Sorry for wasting your time, sorry for wasting your life. It's okay if you don't forgive me – I'll understand.

"I wonder why I do this. I wonder why I can never find the words to say until it's too late. I always end up talking openly to my friends once they're dead – never alive. Maybe it's because I don't have to worry about what you'll think or if you'll reject me after.

"I'm pathetic, but you already know that. I'm hopeless, but you already know that too. I need you… yet that makes me feel even more pathetic and hopeless because it makes me realize how dependant I am on others to get me through my life. And this is all too much for me to handle anymore.

"I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up from this… because that is what it all feels like, a nightmare. Except it's not… it's reality… and I hate it. Maybe that's why all I do with my times is read, or attempt to sleep, because it's easier to not cope and to pretend then to actually face what I have to face.

"I've created this mess and I know I need to change but I'm terrified. I don't know how to go about changing. I come up with a plan and then question it. I'm constantly in battle with myself. One minute I'm thinking rationally, the next I'm all over the place.

"I just need to breathe and figure this all out. But at the same time, every time I think I've got everything under control something else pops up that causes me equal amounts of stress, or fear, or pain, or some sort of twisted combination of all three.

"Time is my enemy…

"If I could turn back time I would. If I could speed time ahead I would. Hell – if I could even freeze time I would. It's the fact that tomorrow is another day that scares me the most because I know that I cannot take back what I've done and that I have to face it and that terrifies me. But I guess it's about time that I do take responsibility for my actions and get my shit together.

"But tomorrow. Oh God, tomorrow I hope I just don't wake up. But I know I won't be that lucky – I've never been a lucky one.

"I wake-up in the morning, or the afternoon, or the evening – depending on when I went to bed and when I actually fell asleep – and I feel like trash. I should be thrown out with the morning newspaper and breakfast cereal. I'll be devoured by the rats as the garbage man tosses me without a glance into the compactor, back to my rightful place on top of the heap that is my kingdom.

"I had an urge to cut my hair yesterday – chop it all off. I have no idea why. It doesn't really make sense. Of course I didn't because that would just be silly and too many people would question me on my mental health if I suddenly reported for missions with a bald head. I was tempted to though, just to see the reactions of other people. If I was a little more brave, a little more confident, I might've done it. If you were still here by my side then I might've done. It would've definitely made for a good story in the latter years of life, if I survive that long.

"You know, I think I'm dieing for a reason to live. That's not really a particularly good thing, but at least I now know that much. Whether that's helpful to me or not, I have no idea.

"It must seem odd to you, for me to be so nonchalant about this all. But the fact is that I don't think this has really sunk in yet. I think I'm still hoping that you'll come back alive, that this is all one big mistake – or maybe a genjutsu – anything to let me keep on pretending. After all, you and I both know how good am at at pretending.

"I feel scared for some reason. Of course I don't show it. But I feel nervous and anxious. Like something crazy is going to happen to me… I've been feeling like this for awhile… it's a really crappy feeling – trust me. I walk into my apartment and I think someone is there waiting to kill me… which is fine really, I wouldn't mind all too much.

"I hate being so paranoid like his. Maybe it's because I feel so alone now that you're gone. It's weird… I always thought that I didn't need you but now I know I do – only it's too late. Like always.

"I guess I should go now. I've been here for quite awhile and it's raining. Kind of cold really. I wonder what time it is now. I think I got here around two in the morning, it must be around seven now. I think I have a mission… I don't really want to go but I must. Maybe I'll be back, maybe not.

"I hope I die in this one."