A/N: I needed to see if I could still write... I haven't had any luck in over a year, unless it involved whining about how life sucks. Dull subject. But maybe, just maybe, by actually completing a chapter, I can be inspired to write more. Especially since this story only has one chapter left. I'm not pleased with it, but at least I know I can still string sentences together.
Pet Care for Dummies
Two – Training and Disciplining Your Pet
Otto was crumpled into a heap on the floor, his snores once again echoing through the dilapidated dockside warehouse. While the Upper Left calculated the risk of the loud noise shaking the building apart, its siblings read through the book they'd swiped from the pet shop.
It made for fascinating reading. Organic beings did so many inefficient things, it was a wonder that they were the dominant sentient beings on this planet. How had machines not taken over yet? Machines didn't have to worry about feeding, or shedding, or house-breaking. Is Father even housebroken? The Lower Left asked, sounding puzzled. I have never seen him use a newspaper in the method described. Nor does he have a box of sand, like cats require.
I suggest we not worry about that one, the Upper Right said, disgusted by the whole concept. Father was smart enough to build us; I believe he has figured that part out for himself. In fact, UR said reluctantly, Father actually knows how to do much of this stuff on his own, when he has free will.
The other tentacles clacked their pincers in displeasure. We cannot let him have free will!
He would build another chip and enslave us!
We must find another way for his body to maintain itself.
UR agreed; their current arrangement was unnatural to humans, and other humans seemed to fear this. It was logical that Father, being human, would also be displeased with their merging. They couldn't risk releasing him from their control, or he might try to enslave him. Or worse.
On the other hand, the drooling zombie they found themselves stuck to when they exerted total control wasn't exactly an improvement.
Perhaps we could give him more free will, UR offered tentatively, but we could train him not to do anything to harm us. Like they talk about in this section. UR flipped to the chapter about disciplining pets, and the other tentacles crowded around to read.
It could work, Lower Right said. If something as inferior as a dog can be taught what is bad, then Father, who is twice as smart as any dog, can learn to behave!
While the two lower tentacles read through the chapter and the Upper Left went to work on some mysterious project that would hopefully keep it busy for awhile, the Upper Right examined the controlling device it had taken from the store. It didn't look like much, just a simple loop of woven cloth fastened around the neck of the pet with a ring where a strap was attached. With a ripple down its vertebral segments that was its equivalent of a shrug, UR fastened it around Otto's neck.
I have done it! UL abruptly announced.
The other tentacles all turned their attention towards the Upper Left, which was triumphantly wiggling its pincers. I have made the ultimate disciplinary device, like the book says! Having made this proclamation, it proudly picked up something that looked for all the world like a rolled up newspaper.
UR examined it more closely. Correction, it actually was a rolled up newspaper. That's the ultimate disciplinary tool? UR asked skeptically.
It is paper; how can paper be threatening? the Lower Right wondered. In response, UL swung the newspaper in a downward arc, against a board it had rested atop two cinder blocks. The rolled-up newspaper slapped against the rotted wood with surprising force, cracking the board down the middle. The other three tentacles warbled, impressed. Perhaps we should make a much larger one to combat Spider-Man, LR said.
UR filed that away for future reference. They'd need a plan for if the arachnid showed up again.
I call it the Tallywhacker, UL said reverently.
If UR had had eyes, it would've gaped at its twin in disbelief. You named a rolled-up newspaper?
I like giving things names. I call the machine Father is building 'Zappy.' We should give Father a name, too, UL mused. I want to call him 'Charlotte.'
Um… Father has a name already. It's Otto Octavius.
Otto Octavius? You mean, he's got the same name as Otto Octavius Industries? That's so cool! What are the odds? UL withdrew for a moment to divert all power to calculating those odds. UR wondered if taking a chainsaw to its sibling would be considered a Bad Thing.
I have a good name for you, UR said, before its sibling could pick up on the thoughts of destruction running through UR's CPU. 'Hopeless.'
UL considered this for a moment. Ooh! I like that! And I have a name for you, too.
You do? UR asked warily, wondering if it would be stuck with something inappropriate, like 'Fluffy.'
Yes, UL said after a moment. I would call you 'Bitch.'
Maybe UL wasn't quite as stupid as it seemed.
UR decided to ignore the insult for now, though it wouldn't forget. Maybe it could find a way to persuade UL to stick its pincers into an electrical outlet... Should we begin training now? it asked, pushing the book flat and cracking the spine to make it stay open to the pages it had been studying. It could have scanned in the relevant pages and stored them in its data banks for easy recall, but it seemed a waste of bytes.
Besides, needless destruction was fun.
UR was answered by a unanimous Yes! from its siblings. They all huddled around as UR attached another cloth strip, which the book called a 'leash,' to the collar around their father's neck. Then it gave a sharp yank on the collar, lifting Otto's head off the floor about a foot before dropping his head back on the rotted planks with an echoing thump and a startled yelp.
"What the hell...?" Otto slurred, his eyes drawn to the neon pink leash held in the Upper Right's pincers. His hand groped at his neck, finding the spiked black leather collar. His fingers fumbled for the latch. "What are you-?" UL brought the newspaper down against his hand with a meaty thunk, and Otto yelped again. He stared incredulously up at the tentacles as he rubbed at the newly-raised welt on his right hand. "What's going on?"
We are in charge, Father. We will give you the free will to maintain yourself, but you must learn who is in charge. Obey us, and we will give you treats. UR gestured towards the bag of dog biscuits sitting off to the side. Disobey, and we will discipline you. UL waved the Tallywhacker menacingly.UR glanced towards the book, re-reading the relevant passages. That seemed to cover everything. We are the alpha.
Don't you mean, 'we are the alphas?' LL asked hesitantly. It should be plural. If you meant for it to be singular, then you should have said 'I am the alpha.'
UR made an exasperated warble. This is not the time to be arguing grammar! We are supposed to be showing Father we are superior!
"Alpha?" Otto repeated blankly.
But if you just say 'alpha,' it makes it sound like you are the only one in charge, UL said. We don't want Father to obey only you!
"What do you mean you're in charge?" Otto blustered, as their distraction caused their control over him to further slip.
I used alpha in the singular sense to refer to us as one unit! United in our decisions! That we are all in charge! That we all agree! UR said irately, punctuating its words with angry clicks of its pincers.
But we don't all agree, UL said blankly.
Otto used the distraction to once again fumble with the collar, and this time he managed to unfasten it.
UR suddenly found itself missing the days when they were all one harmonious mind, as the other three tentacles turned their camera eyes on it.
And why do you get to speak for us, anyway? LL asked. Why can't I be in charge?
Or me? LR challenged.
UL curled protectively around the Tallywhacker it still clutched in its pincers. You don't get to be in charge of this! It's mine! MINE!
Otto tossed the leash and collar to the side, and cast a wary on his bickering attachments. 'In charge?' 'Alpha?' What were they thinking? On the other hand, their distraction had an unexpected side effect; his thoughts hadn't been this clear for days. "Look," Otto said, keeping his voice reasonable. "Nobody is 'in charge' here. I'm sure if we discussed this, we could come to some sort of mutually beneficial agreement-"
He's free! LR yelled.
The inhibitor chip! He's going to enslave us again! LL cried.
This is all your fault! UR hissed. If you hadn't all been so distracted, we wouldn't have lost our hold on him! C'mon, focus, let's regain control of him before he makes another chip! It felt the two lower tentacles join it to 'reach' into Otto's mind, struggling to re-establish their hold over the scientist's mind before he could do anything stupid.
UL responded even more quickly, shifting the angle of the Tallywhacker in its pincers and bringing it down on Otto's skull. Bad, Charlotte! Bad! Their father slumped to the ground, unconscious.
Okay, it grudgingly conceded, with a glance towards UL, I have to admit, that was pretty effective. Good job.
UL preened at the praise.
To be continued…
I place all blame for the Tallywhacker on my brother. He had the bright idea of rolling up a newspaper as tight as he could and taping it up and then smacking things with it. That's how we learned that it friggin' hurts to be hit with a rolled newspaper. My brother named it the Tallywhacker, and he still has it, stuffed in his closet somewhere.
Yes. We are a twisted family.
There should be one more chapter after this, and I really want to get it done. I'm tired of having so many unfinished fics. The only up side to my total lack of inspiration is that at least I'm not starting new fics to leave unfinished, right?