{We see Janeway in her Ready Room. She is gulping down a LARGE cup of coffee. The cup is as large as her head and she is spilling coffee down her uniform. Chakotay enters.}
Chakotay: Ahem. (He rocks back and forth on his heels. He rocks a bit too hard and falls forward, knocking into the coffee cup and sending it pouring on Janeway's head.) Oops.
Janeway: (Removing the cup from her head. She licks the coffee from her lips.) Report.
Chakotay: The Doctor is due to be back within a hour. I thought you might like to be there.
Janeway: (Standing up.) Of course!
Chakotay: Shouldn't you put on a new uniform first?
Janeway: Oh...okay.
{Scene change to: Bridge. Tuvok is at his station, teaching a young Security ensign how to work the bridge.}
Tuvok: See that screen? When an enemy ship appears, you have to tell the captain that you see a ship on the sensors. When she says to fire, you push all these little buttons until you see something happen.
Young Ensign: Yes, sir. Are you excited, sir?
Tuvok: Why should I be?
Young Ensign: Because Starfleet may have found us a way home.
Tuvok: (Smiles briefly, but goes back to frown-face) I am a Vulcan. I do not feel emotions.
Young Ensign: But you smiled!
Tuvok: Did not.
Young Ensign: Yes you did! I saw you!
Tuvok: You are mistaken.
Young Ensign: Are not.
Tuvok: Are to.
Young Ensign: Are not!
Tuvok: Are to!
Young Ensign: Are not!!
Tuvok: Are to! Are to! Are to!!! Ha! Ha! Beat you!! (He makes faces at the ensign.)
Young Ensign: What do you call that then?
Tuvok: (Frowns when he realizes that the ensign has a point) You are relieved of duty and confined to quarters.
Young Ensign: What? Why?
Tuvok: Insubordination.
Young Ensign: Hey...now you're getting revenge on me! That counts as an emotion.
Tuvok: LEAVE!! (His eyes bug out and he looks about ready to breathe fire.)
Young Ensign: (Meekly) Yes, sir. (He exits. Tuvok smiles.)
{Scene change to Astrometrics. Janeway, Chakotay, and Tuvok enter. Seven is working the controls. She turns around, smiling.}
Seven: He should arrive in five minutes.
Janeway: Good...why are you smiling?
Seven: My motor actualator is malfunctioning. I cannot refrain from smiling. I am waiting for the Doctor to return to fix it. (She smiles.)
Janeway: Oh. (She smiles back.)
Tuvok: I am receiving a holographic signal.
Chakotay: That wasn't five minutes.
Seven: I rounded up. (She smiles.)
(A figure appears on the little bridge thing in Astrometrics. But it isn't the Doctor. It's...Wesley Crusher!)
Janeway: (Takes out her phaser)
Chakotay: (Takes out his phaser)
Tuvok: (Takes out his phaser)
Seven: (Smiles)
Wesley: (Smiles back and walks down.) Hey, Starfleet sent me to get you guys home. They put my image and personality in place of your Doctor's program. Why are you pointing your phasers at me?
Tuvok: We have read the Enterprise's logs. We know you are a danger.
Chakotay: He's a hologram. We can't shoot him. Seven, delete his program.
Janeway: Belay that order. If he can find us a way home, we have to take advantage of it.
Chakotay: Captain?
Janeway: Put him in the brig for now. I'll consider what to do with him.
{Scene change to: Janeway's Ready Room. She is mulling over what to do. Chakotay enters.}
Chakotay: Captain, I know that this is a tough decision. I just want to let you know that whatever you decide, I'm with you. I'll stand behind you.
Janeway: That's good to know. I've decided to let Mr. Crusher help us get back to Earth.
Chakotay: I disagree.
Janeway: (Gives him a weird look.) Too bad, so sad. I'm the Captain. So there! (She sticks her tongue out at him.)
{Scene change to: The Brig. Tuvok sits on a chair, making faces at Wesley.}
Wesley: Would you stop making faces at me?
Tuvok: Ha! Ha! You're in jail and I'm not! (He giggles)
(Janeway and Chakotay enter)
Janeway: Release him!
Tuvok: Captain?
Janeway: You heard me.
Tuvok: (Lets down force field)
Wesley: (Smiles like a dork) I think that if we recalibrate your warp engine to emit triterion particles at the base root of 5 and then we reinitialize the manifolds of the reintegrated beam, we can find a way for you to get home in about 5 seconds.
Janeway: (Blinks a couple times) Uh...talk to B'Elanna. She's in Engineering.
{Scene change to: Engineering. Seven is there, smiling. B'Elanna is there, tearing up consoles.}
Seven: You are damaging the interior of this room. (She smiles.)
B'Elanna: Stupid computer! It doesn't work!!! (She pounds on a console with her fists, breaking the glass.)
Seven: (Walks over and stares down at the broken console. She smiles.) It appears that you were playing Solitaire. (She smiles)
B'Elanna: And I lost! My honor is running away from me! I am shamed! (She falls on her knees.)
Seven: (Smiles)
(Tom Paris enters. B'Elanna looks up and stops yelling. She runs to Tom and hugs him, goo-goo-eyed.)
B'Elanna: Tom!
Tom: B'Elanna!
B'Elanna: I missed you!
Tom: I missed you, too!
B'Elanna: I missed you more!
Tom: No, I missed YOU more!
B'Elanna: I trashed Engineering, I missed you so much!
Tom: I set a course for a large sun, I missed YOU so much!
B'Elanna: Oh, Tom!
Tom: Oh, B'Elanna!
(They kiss)
Seven: (Smiles.)
(Wesley enters.)
Wesley: Hi, guys! I'm here to save the day!
B'Elanna: (Doesn't answer. She's too busy staring dreamily at Tom.)
Seven: I believe I can assist you. (She smiles.)
Wesley: (Smiles back.) Good. First, I need to repressurize the ion converter to reset the rigonotides of the manifolds in real space.
Seven: I see. Then we can remoleculorate the transpeed converters to polymorph the warp core into a singularly transaxial field. Ingenious. (She smiles)
Wesley: Exactly! Wow. It's like you understand me. (He smiles.)
Seven: (Smiles)
{Scene change to Mess Hall. Neelix is feeding some crewmen. They drop dead upon tasting it. Neelix shrugs and resumes his feeding. Naomi walks up.}
Naomi: Hi Neelix!
Neelix: Hi Naomi!
Naomi: Neelix, who's that? (She points at Wesley.)
Neelix: That's a very dangerous person. He's supposed to be getting us home.
Naomi: Oh. (She walks over to him.) Hi.
Wesley: Hi.
Naomi: Are you taking a break?
Wesley: Yuppers. Are you the resident kid on board?
Naomi: Yeah.
Wesley: How many times have you saved the ship?
Naomi: Uh...none?
Wesley: None?
Naomi: Zero.
Wesley: Zero?
Naomi: Never.
Wesley: Never?
Naomi: Right.
Wesley: You're not doing your job! As the only kid on board, you must save the ship at least ten times per season!
Naomi: Oh.
Wesley: Here, stick with me. I'll teach you everything there is to know about saving the ship.
Naomi: Well...okay.
{Scene change to bridge. Tuvok is at his station. Harry is at his station. Janeway is in the Captain's chair, falling asleep.}
Tuvok: Captain, I am detecting a random energy surge coming towards the bridge.
(Suddenly, Harry's console explodes. Janeway wakes up. Tuvok runs to check the Ensign's pulse.)
Tuvok: He's dead!
Janeway: No, not my Harry. The one perfect crewmember on my ship. Why him? Why Harry?
Harry: (Gets up) Oooo...that didn't feel too good.
Unpaid Extra: He's alive!
Tuvok: Of course! He has to die in every episode. It's tradition.
Harry: Captain, could I get a promotion? I die every episode, after all. And you did say that I was the perfect crewmember. I've been an Ensign for a long time now.
Janeway: No chance, Ensign-boy. Get back to work.
Harry: (The model officer, goes back to work without argument.)
{Scene change to Naomi and Wesley walking down the corridor}
Wesley: Now remember, even though they've been through years of Starfleet training and you haven't, you are still smarter than them.
Naomi: Okay.
Wesley: Now, what do you do if a great entity has taken over the ship and the stupid Starfleet people are clueless?
Naomi: Uh...reflux the main asistators to resist the diamic waves?
Wesley: No! No! No! You have to hypercalibrate the pentonic libradators to compensate for the ion flux!
Naomi: Oops.
Wesley: You're hopeless! You'll never live up to the Super-Kid standards!
Naomi: Oh. Want to play Kadis-Kot?
Wesley: No! (Leaves her alone in the corridor.)
Naomi: (Shrugs and skips to her quarters.)
{Scene change to: Engineering. B'Elanna and Tom are still staring dreamily at each other. Seven is there, smiling. Wesley enters.}
Seven: Wesley. (She smiles.)
Wesley: Seven. (He smiles back)
Seven: I have made the necessary modifications. (She smiles)
Wesley: Good. That's good. You're very good. ( He smiles) Uh...at what you do, I mean. In a professional sort of way. (He sweats as Seven moves closer, invading his personal bubble)
Seven: I find you intriguing. You are perfect, like the Borg. (She smiles) I want you to assimilate me.
Wesley: (Whose never had a girl fall head-over-heels for him, faints.)
(Tuvok runs in and checks his pulse)
Tuvok: He's dead!
Seven: Oh darn. (She smiles) I guess we won't be getting back to Earth.
Tuvok: Not only that, but we've lost the Doctor.
Seven: Double darn. (She smiles) I must go regenerate now.
(Seven exits. So does Tuvok. Only B'Elanna, Tom, and Wesley's body remain.)
B'Elanna: I think you're cute
Tom: Not as cute as you.
B'Elanna: I think you're funny.
Tom: Not as funny as you.
B'Elanna: I think you're sweet.
Tom: Not as sweet as you.
{Scene change to: Voyager zooming through space. We hear Tom and B'Elanna's voices in voice-overs. Voyager approaches a large sun rather quickly.}
B'Elanna: I think you're much cuter than that corpse there.
Tom: And I think you're much cuter than Seven.
{Scene change to bridge. All the regular crew's there minus Tom and B'Elanna}
Tuvok: We have 5 minutes until we hit the outer layer of the sun.
Janeway: Fire phasers! No sun's going to stand in our way!
Tuvok: (Pushes buttons until something happens) No effect.
Janeway: (Stands up and glares) You wanna play tough? We'll play tough! Tom, ramming speed! (Pause) Tom?
(Tom's seat is empty.)
Janeway: Where is he?
(The ships shudders)
Tuvok: We have hit the outer layer!
Janeway: That wasn't five minutes!
Tuvok: I rounded up.
(Naomi enters the bridge)
Naomi: Captain! We should remolecularize the hyperspace inhibitors to recalculate the efficiency of the oglometer in the hydrostatic field! Then we can get out of this mess!
Janeway: (Blinks a couple times) Do it.
Naomi: (Goes to a console and pushes some buttons.)
(The sun disappears from the viewscreen.)
Naomi: I saved the ship!
Chakotay: (Whispers to Janeway) What should we do? We have another Super-Kid.
Janeway: Have her work in the Mess Hall with Neelix. That'll take care of Wonder-Girl.
{Scene change to: Magnificent shot of Voyager going to warp. All is well and happy again in Voyager-Land}