Summary: She turned her tear-stained face toward the nurse, who was visibly swallowing a lump in her throat, fighting her own internal battle of whether or not to weep for this tragedy. Our tragedy. (not for the faint of heart)

Title: Rather Pain

Rating: M

OOC Tragedy lots of drama. DISTURBING scenes.

So, here we are. Me and Kim. Lying in a hospital bed. Both miserable. I'll tell you how we got here:

After Kim told me she was pregnant, I was shocked. We sat down in her apartment, and discussed options. I opted for abortion. She looked like she might kill me. She considered adoption, but decided to keep it. I was uncomfortable with this prospect, but I felt it as a responsibility. We decided to stay together. Marriage would be saved for later.

We told everyone at the hospital 15 weeks into her pregnancy. Naturally, Carla and Elliot were touched, Turk's ego was a little damaged that I didn't tell him right away, and Dr. Cox made fun of me. That's when Kim and I started to fight. We realized the relationship wasn't going to work. Kim would keep the baby. I would be introduced as 'daddy' but she'd be the primary caretaker. I got weekends, etc.

After we split up, we waited two weeks to tell everyone. Naturally, Carla and Elliot cried, Turk wanted details, and Dr. Cox made fun of me.

She was almost nine months along a few days ago. Kim's water broke at 1am November 2nd. I rushed her to Sacred Heart. No one I knew was on call in the ER that night. She gave birth to our son, whom we had yet to name. The doctor held the child in his arms, frowning at the body slightly. Kim began to panic. I began to question the doctor.

Our child was stillborn.

X

I stayed with her the whole day. I had to start work at 3 pm, and I went down briefly to greet everyone. I told no one, upon Kim's request. No one noticed that anything was wrong. Because nothing's ever wrong with me, right? After ten minutes I went back to sit with Kim. I stayed with her a long time, just sitting there, which brings us up to date. We sit in silence, listening to the clock tick. The door opens, and we both turn our heads to the person breaking our miserable silence.

"Mr. and Mrs….Dorian I presume?" A nurse poked her head inside the hospital door.

"We're not married" Kim said sharply. The nurse nodded. I noted she was cradling something in her arms.

"Would you like to see your…son?" her voice hitched, "b-before we take him down for the- well- you know." The autopsy. We had no idea what had caused our sons death. I took Kims hand. She didn't say anything. I sat next to her, the both of us squished in the hospital bed, while the nurse stood there helplessly in the awkward silence.

"B-baby, D-do you?" though I was not crying, my voice shook.

"Don't call me baby." She hissed. I loosened my grip on her hand. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes. I hoped her anger had vanished. She let out a sob that tore my heart apart.

She squeezed her eyes shut, leaning her head against my arm. "Goddd…" her cry was muffled against my scrubs. She turned her tear-stained face toward the nurse, who was visibly swallowing a lump in her throat, fighting her own internal battle of whether or not to weep for this tragedy. Our tragedy.

"L-let us see him." She squeezed my hand so tight I thought my fingers might break. The nurse took a slow step towards us. Kim released my hand and held her arms out wearily. Sobs wracked her body. The nurse placed our sons corpse in her arms. My eyes glazed over. His pale, dead face. Eyes closed. Mouth and nose just like Kim's. A spot of black hair atop his head. He was wrapped in a robins egg blue blanket. I thought distinctly back to the time when the janitor had worn a uniform with the same color, and nobody was scared of him. I tried to escape to that place, that life that I had so easily lived. Smiling indifferently at things that really bothered me deep down inside, stopping myself from feeling my true emotions by creating stupid little daydreams, and putting on this idiotic façade so no one would see how dark I truly was.

But it's not like that anymore. I can't make up a stupid fantasy. I can't make a joke with Turk. I can't smile. I see this beautiful child, my child, cold, dead, and pale. I close my eyes, and imagine that empty face rosy-cheeked, and full of life. I see him grabbing Kim's neck, smiling a toothless smile, his eyes full of sparkle. I open my eyes once again. I reach out and stroke my son's cheek. "He's beautiful." I say, my voice choked so badly I'm not sure that she could make out what I just said. How could they not know what killed him?

"Yeah…" and suddenly, he's back in the arms of that same nurse, and she's leaving the room. My son is gone. Forever. "JD" Kim sobs, climbing on top of my lap. I'm sure that was painful. It can really be a strain passing a dead child into the world. I'm mad at myself for my own insensitivity. Just because we weren't together didn't mean I couldn't comfort her. She'd lost her child. We'd lost our child. She cried so hard. I couldn't do anything. I stroked her back and hair, trying to calm her, but I knew that was a useless effort.

X

Since no one had any idea that Kim had gone into 'labor', apparently I was on my work hour. My pager went off. I quickly turned it off, fearing I might wake Kim, who was sleeping peacefully on my chest. I knew it was only a matter of time before it went off again, I climbed out of the hospital bed, and fixed her so she was laying in a comfortable position. I tucked the white hospital blanket under her chin, and kissed her forehead. I slipped out of the room quietly. My pager went off again.

Surprise surprise. It's from Dr. Cox. "Marilyn, you better get your ass down here now! If not, I'm going to hit you so hard you'll forget that first time you had with that guy who played the tuba but you always had your eye on…Corey was his name… at band camp.." and so on.

And suddenly, I was furious. It's funny, I could stay cool and collected, merely upset, through my son being stillborn but a demeaning page from Dr. Cox mattered so much more to me. I pounded the pager keys like I was trying to kill them, "Listen, you good-for-nothing narcissistic waste of space, I've got my own goddamn patient to deal with so if you'll kindly fuck off I would appreciate it." Adrenaline rushed through my veins as I sent it. I stormed down the hospital hallway. I saw the janitor's mop bucket in the middle of the hallway. Janitor, the man who terrorized me for merely saying hello in the morning. Fury all over again. Without a second thought, I kicked it. Hard. Soapy water spilled all down the floor. The janitor stepped out from the bathroom he had been cleaning and looked from me down to the water. He looked from the spilled bucket to me. I gave him a nasty glare, walked across the hallway, and into the door leading to the stairwell.

I sank against the wall, my heart beating at a furious pace. My pager went off. It was from Dr. Cox. "Newbie, I don't think you realize what you've done. If you know what's good for your career, you'll get your ass the hell down here."

Tears formed in my eyes and my stomach swelled with anger. "FUCK OFF." Was all I sent. Way to be suttle, JD.

The next page I received read, "That's it."

"Oooh scary. The last straw. Watch me while I tremble." I call out in sarcasm to no one but myself. My voice sounds strangled and choked up. I reach up to feel my cheeks, just to make sure I'm not crying. Perfectly dry.

I hear footsteps climbing, no- , -storming up the stairs. I need to leave. I can't let anyone see me. I'm going to hit someone. I'm going to hit myself. I don't know what I'm going to do.

"NEWBIE!" Well I'm S.O.L.

Dr. Cox. His eyes are furious. Or are they?

"How's your patient? You-good-for-nothing girly-manic waste of space." He spits out.

Girly-manic? Is he kidding?

"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" I ask quietly. He grabs me by the arm in an attempt to yank me up, and I jerk it away forcefully.

He smiles sarcastically. I knew he wasn't really mad. "Now, young lady. Don't give me attitude or I'll have to carry you down to your workplace myself." Huh?

"Don't you have hopes and dreams to crush?" I say, with a warning tone of anger in my voice.

"God dammit, Ms. Scarlet! I told you I didn't know nothin bout raisin no newbies! Oooooor (switching back to normal voice) affection-starved brats with crappy, dead fathers."

And suddenly, the fury came back to me, stronger and pulsing more than ever. He had overstepped the line long ago.

I shoved the older man back against the wall, shocking him with my force. I grabbed him by the collar and brought his face close to mine in a very un-JD like fashion. "Listen to me you disgusting bastard, and listen to me good. When I say fuck off, I mean fuck off. I am so fucking sick of you. Calling me fucking girls names and humiliating me in front of the staff, then when I have a tiny fucking doctor conflict you pretend to care about me. Constantly berating me and my experience while I dance around Sacred Heart with that idiotic fucking smile, and so help me jesus I know that it's girly. So, from now on, if you'll stay the fuck away from me with your supposedly clever rants, your six syllable words, and your feminine perception of myself, I would-" Oh god. I can feel my eyes water. I push him harder against the wall for extra effect "m-much appreciate it."

I release the collar of his shirt from my tight fist. We're both breathing hard. "What- what's wrong with you?" He sounds absolutely shocked. I don't answer. I turn and start down the stairs. He grabs my arm. That's it. I hit him with a hard left hook.

He snaps out of his daze, upon seeing the blood from his nose running down his face. I start sprinting down the stairs. He runs after me, catching me on the next landing. He pushes me against the wall, which my head hits, hard. Good one. I try to knee him in the crotch. He kicks me in the shin. Good god. I try to scratch at his face. He slaps me. I spat in his eyes. He reached up to wipe my saliva off his face, giving me the perfect opportunity to escape.

I fly down the flights of stairs, past the fourth floor landing, third, second- damn it. Caught again. This time, he sends a punch to my left eye. It's hard, but not too hard. Not too hard meaning my eye doesn't fall out. I punched him in the mouth as a comeback, and continued charging down the stairs.

On the bottom floor landing, he pounces on my back, sending me to the ground. I roll over. He kicks me in the side. Fighting dirty are we? "Newbie-" he says, wiping blood from the corner of his mouth. I trip him. He falls next to me, and I jump up. I don't want to kick him. I just want to get away from him. I see two brown double doors ahead of me. I have no idea where I am. I run at them.

"Hey! You can't go in there!" I heard a woman's voice yell. I burst through the doors, and…Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Doug, leaning over a table, scalpel in hand. Cutting open a cadaver. And not just any cadaver. My son. His head is detached. I'm going to be sick. So sick. Doug stares at me.

"Aren't you the-"

I can't fucking breathe. "Yeah.." I turn around, and bolt for the doors, hand over my mouth, tears blurring my vision. Talk about run away crying. I ran past Dr. Cox, who was just getting up. He grabbed my arm. This was really getting old. I watch his battered face contort into different expressions. I feel a lump form in my throat.

"Newbie," he says in a dead serious voice, "what's going on?"

"My son.." I breathe, and point towards the double wooden doors. He gives me a skeptical look, and I run to the stairwell landing. I run up one flight of stairs, and burst out onto the first floor. Bathroom. I need a bathroom. I find one with an endless row of empty stalls, and run into the first one I see. I get down to my knees, and retch.

X

I rested my head against the cool porcelain rim of the toilet. My throat and nose burned from stomach acid. My mouth had an acrid taste to it, my eyes were bloodshot, and I was shaking all over. A tear rolled down my cheek, though I hadn't been crying. All the stress that the vomiting had over me made my eyes water. As soon as I finish, I walk up to the mirror. My eyes and face are red. I hate the way I look. I washed my face and hands slowly, and slid back into the stairwell.

I walked up three flights of stairs, and finally reached the floor Kim was on. I didn't know why I was being so calm. I exited the stairwell door, and walked down the linoleum hallway floor. I listened to my footsteps echo until I reached her room. I pushed the door open. There, Kim was lying, her expression blank. Dr. Cox was standing next to her, running his hands through his hair. He saw me. "Kid-"

"I'm not a kid.." I choke out. I turned in the direction I came and stalked off. I walked to the end of the hallway and slid down to the floor next to a vending machine. I was numb. I couldn't do anything, think anything, feel anything. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Resigning myself and swallowing my pride, I figured I might as well go see Kim. Brushing off Dr. Cox couldn't be that hard. I walked down the hallway once again, hands jammed inside my coat pockets, biting my lip nervously. At that moment Dr. Cox slipped out of the room. He turned to face me. I stopped dead in my tracks. We were a good distance apart.

"So…" I said, slicing the air with a knife, trying to think of something to say. I look around, and let out a shaky breath. "You kn-know then." I feel a tear come out of the corner of my eye. I wipe it away hurriedly.

He looked me square in the eye. "I don't know what to say. You lost your son." He seemed highly emotional, too. I dug my fingernails into my palms. There was an unfamiliar tightening in my chest, I could feel an upheaval of tears. I wanted to collapse, I wanted to run, I wanted to do something, anything.

"JD." I hear his footsteps coming towards me.

"I saw-" and for some inane reason I started to walk towards him, "the body. Open." I walk faster.

"I saw in- in- inside-" I'm letting out gasps and hiccups instead of words. "He- was-"

Dr. Cox was right in front of me. He makes eye contact with me, or at least I think he does. My eyes are too damn wet. I feel my body jerk with a sob, and hot tears stream down my face, running onto my neck.

He grabs my left shoulder, and pulls me toward him, in kind of a one-arm hug. I collapsed into him. He supported my weight surprisingly, with no strain but a mere stumble upon impact. I bawl like a two year old against his shoulder. He was silent. I know Dr. Cox can find no words. Could you? What can you do, what can you say to someone who just lost a child, but not only that, saw their dead body, decapitated, on a table. Suddenly I don't want to be pitied. I quiet my sobs, and his grip on me is loose. This hug could have merely been for 30 seconds. Or minutes. I'm really not sure. I pull away from his grip forcefully, calming myself.

"JD.." he sounds like he's been crying. I just walk away. But I can't get that image out of my head. My baby. My baby. No head. Organs strewn out aside his cold, dead, little body. I throw myself against the wall and sink down. I don't care who's watching. I just don't fucking care.

I sob, louder than the ones before it, rips out of me, and echoes in the hallway. I think I hear someone running. I turn around and start pounding the wall with my fists. "GOD!" I scream. I can't stop punching the wall. I can't stop. I can't stop.

Dr. Cox rests both his hands on my shoulders, and pulls me harshly away from the wall.

I can't breathe.

I'm taking blind swings at the air.

"JD! STOP IT!" he screams. I stop. Miraculously, my blurry eyes have cleared. I'm in a sitting position, and he's sitting across me. Whoa, how did that happen. I make eye contact with him. He looks angry.

I take a deep breath. "I'm s-sorry." My voice comes out cracked and dry. It doesn't sound like me.

He looks away. "Jesus Christ, newbie," he mumbles, just loud enough for me to hear. I look at the ground shamefully.

"Why'd it have to happen to you, of all people? Y-you. You didn't deserve this." I think he's talking to himself.

Out of nowhere, he makes eye contact with me.

Then I said something completely random. "We d-didn't even name him. Some parents we are, huh?" And the floodgates came undone.

X

It's one week later, we're at his funeral. Kim and I had decided not to name him. There are few people here. Carla, Turk, Elliot (currently bawling her eyes out), Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso, Janitor (yeah, that confused me too), Kim, and I. I stare at his tiny coffin. I'm crying the hardest out of them all.

It's cold in here, feels like everything's upside down
I can feel you talking, but I can barely make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I'm gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paints my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, because only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven't learned any fear, any pain
It's kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they've got me, to blame
And they don't even know my name
And they don't even know my name
Well I've never felt so ready, think it's finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it's mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don't worry, your mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it's your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
But they loved me just the same
And they never even knew name
Didn't even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn't even know my name