Disclaimer – I own nothing.

A/N – Language and content warning in this one! Thanks for all the great reviews, and thanks to all the people who read and reviewed 'A Day in the Life of Vince McMahon.' And to Secretly Dreaming of Beauty, Kenny and Mickie are together in the story because they're together in real life lol :) Sorry it took forever for me to update, but I just got a new computer and it took forever to set up so I couldn't get to the document.

Also, I've been thinking about writing a series of one-shots. If I do this, I'll number each one to keep track of them and see how many I can do. If anyone has any certain couple they'd like to see for a one-shot, feel free to let me know. I'm open to ideas.

Part 33 – Everyone "Dine and Dash"

It was only a few minutes into the road trip from hell, and Johnny Nitro was already exasperated. All he had for company was the psychotic Samoan Bulldozer and his manager; certainly not his ideal choices for partners.

Nitro sighed as Umaga began screaming something in his native language. Once he was done, Nitro looked at Estrada. "What'd he say?"

"He said you need to pay better attention to the road; we could've hit that little old lady." Armando replied.

"We didn't come anywhere near her!!" Nitro exclaimed.

"That's the problem." Estrada told him. "Umaga thinks you should have hit her."

Nitro blinked. "Now that's just screwed up."

"Come on old man! Hurry it up!" Montel Vontavious Porter yelled at Chris Benoit, who was pulling their wagon.

MVP and Ariel were in the wagon, and were forcing Lillian and Benoit to walk.

Chris and Lillian would have both preferred to leave their jerks of partners behind, but MVP pointed out that McMahon had said they all had to stick together.

Then, he and Ariel had refused to get out of the wagon or let anyone else try to squeeze in, giving the other two only one option; pull them along.

"Old man!? I'm not an old man! You better watch your mouth you cocky little punk!"

"Or else what? What are you gonna do old man!? You can't touch this!"

Benoit stopped and turned around. "Are you asking me to put you in the Crossface!?

"No, I'm not asking anything. I'm demanding that you go faster! Jeez, old and deaf." MVP replied.

Benoit growled out something along the lines of, "You better sleep with one eye open…" But continued pulling the wagon all the same.

"WOOHOO!!!" Jericho yelled. "I always love the rush I get from stealing a car!"

Victoria rolled her eyes. "I just hope we don't get pulled over. If they don't arrest us for speeding or grand theft auto, we'll be arrested for this."

She gestured to herself. Of course, it wasn't hard to figure out what she meant. Neither of them had any clothes on.

Jericho laughed. "Yeah, we should probably stop somewhere and buy some clothes."

"Do you want to go into a clothing store naked!?" She exclaimed. "'Cause I'm certainly not going to."

"Yeah good point. Ok. I got a plan. We'll steal a hobo's clothes in the middle of the night and wear those while we buy new clothes."

"I don't wanna wear hobo clothes!! That's disgusting!!"

"Well I wouldn't mind if you stay naked…"

"I'm sure you wouldn't." She muttered, smirking at him. "But, in case you've forgotten, you have a girlfriend."

"So? It's not like you and me are doing anything nasty. Or should I say, sexy."

"I still don't think Lita would be very happy if she caught you ogling me."

"Eh, It doesn't really matter. Cena's probably already taken off his shirt because it was 'too hot' and then put his arm around her because it was 'too cold without his shirt' anyway. As long as she doesn't do anything with him, he can give her a striptease for all I care."

Victoria raised an eyebrow, but had to admit he had a point.

"Hey, Vinnie Mac!" Came a voice Vince hadn't expected to hear. "Why the hell aint I included in this road trip!?"

Vince turned around, and raised an eyebrow, as he looked at the speaker. "You want to go!?"

"Hell yeah. I don't got nothin' better to do!"

Vince sighed. "Most of them have already left!! I wish you'd got here a moment earlier!"

"What about your daughter? She left yet?"

"No, but she's about to so you better hurry up!" Vince exclaimed, pointing at the convertible.

He ran off, yelling, "Yo!! Stephie girl! Hold up!"

Vince groaned. He was about to yell something about her being married, but then realized he didn't care if she broke up with 'The Game.' In fact, that would be a good thing in his mind.

Stephanie turned around, saw him coming, and groaned. "Federline, what the hell are you doing here?"

K-Fed jogged to the driver's side of the car. "I'm comin' wit' you guys!"

"Who says!?"

"Yo daddy says!"

With that, Kevin Federline jumped into the back of the convertible.

"Damnit dad." Stephanie muttered. She already had to deal with the pothead, and now she had to deal with the loser-gold-digging-wannabe-rapper.

"Uh, Shawn? Do you even know how to drive a motorcycle?" Melina asked her partner when she saw the way he was looking at the vehicle.

He looked at her. "Do I know how to drive a motorcycle!? Can the Heartbreak Kid drive a motorcycle!? You're seriously asking if one half of D-Generation X knows how to drive a motorcycle?"

"Yeah. That's what I asked."

"No."

Melina sighed. "Then we may be in some trouble…"

Shawn laughed. "I'm just kidding! Get on girl!" He shouted, getting on the bike.

She shook her head. "Where are we going?"

He revved the engine. "Wherever the first highway we get on takes us!"

Melina smirked as she got on.

"IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!" Ric Flair practically screamed.

"YES IT WAS!!!" Kenny screamed back.

Mickie James let out a long sigh. She had long since given up trying to get them to stop arguing. Now, the current subject of argument was whose fault it was that their car got stolen.

Currently, the three of them were walking down the street.

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WAS PART OF THE SPIRIT SQUAD!!!"

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!"

Kenny stopped, looked at Ric, and raised an eyebrow. "You really suck, you know that?"

"At least I don't suck other guys!"

Mickie decided to cut in right there. "Ok that's it!! You two both need to shut up! I swear I'm thinking about shoving one of you into the street the next time a truck comes by!"

Kenny and Ric stopped yelling for the moment, but kept glaring at each other.

"GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FUCKING JACKASS!!!" Edge screamed from the driver's seat of their bus.

Jeff Hardy shook his head. "That's not going to help anything." He muttered, but Edge didn't hear him.

Maria sighed. "I wish John was here…"

"Yeah these groups suck." Jeff agreed. "Everyone should get together again."

But Maria wasn't listening; instead, she was looking out the window. "John!!!"

Jeff looked, and sure enough, John Cena and Lita were in the car directly to the right of the bus.

"Hey Maria!" Cena yelled back.

Jeff got an idea. "You guys should ditch the car and get in with us! Vince said we had to stay in groups, he didn't say the groups couldn't join up!"

Cena said something to Lita, and then looked back to the bus. "Alright fine with us, as long as no one crazy is in there!"

"It's just me, Maria, Christian, and Edge." Jeff yelled back.

Cena seemed to be debating whether or not he considered Edge crazy for a moment, before he finally yelled. "As long as we don't let no one else in there!! Unless they're not annoying bastards like most of em'."

"No, just you guys!" Jeff replied

"Ok, pull over!"

"Edge!" Jeff yelled. "Pull the bus over! We're gonna let Cena and Lita in with us."

"Hell no!!"

"What?"

"I said hell no!"

"Why not? It'll be better with them!"

"NO!!!"

Jeff groaned. "Come on dude just pull over. They won't bother you if you don't want them to."

"NO!!!"

"Please??" Maria begged.

Edge looked back at her for a second. "Ok."

"Ah what the hell!?" Jeff exclaimed.

"I don't like you." Edge replied, pulling the bus to the side of the road and opening the doors.

The younger of the Hardy's rolled his eyes. Edge was an idiot.

Lita and John Cena entered a moment later, and Jeff got up so Maria could sit with John while he sat down by Lita.

It wasn't long until nighttime, and by then, many of the wrestlers and divas were far away from the starting location.

"Kevin, can we stop? I'm really hungry." Candice moaned, clutching her stomach.

"Where do you want to stop?" Thorn asked her.

"I don't care… Just someplace that has a good dinner menu."

Kevin smirked as an idea popped into his head. He couldn't wait to see the waiter's expression when he asked for a glass of blood at a fancy restaurant.

Of course, if he somehow actually got the blood, he wouldn't really drink it, but it would still be fun.

They'd probably get thrown out, actually. Those places were too damn proper.

Randy Orton and Triple H were roller blading down the side of the highway, talking about whatever popped into their heads.

"Which would you rather make out with? The Fabulous Moolah, or a donkey?" Hunter asked.

"Oh damn that's a hard one." Randy muttered. "I'm gonna have to go with the donkey."

"Yeah I agree with ya there." The Game replied with a chuckle.

"Alright, here's one for you. Would you rather make out with Mae Young or your mom?" Randy asked.

"Nasty." Triple H replied. "I guess my mom, as long as it was just a kiss."

"Yeah I'd much rather make out with your mom then Mae Young." Randy said, earning himself a middle finger in the face.

They both laughed.

"The Rock thinks you should have turned right back there." The Rock mumbled to the driver of the vehicle, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

"WHAT!?"

"The Rock said he thinks you should have-"

"WHAT!?"

"The Rock said-"

"WHAT!?"

"The Rock thinks you need a hearing aid."

"WHAT!?"

"THE ROCK SAID HE THINKS YOU NEED A HEARING AID!!!" Rocky yelled very loudly.

"WHAT!?"

"Homosaywhat? (Homo say what)" The Rock said extremely fast.

"WHAT!?"

"HAHA!!! THE ROCK GOT YOU TO ADMIT YOU'RE A HOMO!!!"

"WHAT!?"

"You're a homo!"

"WHAT!?"

"You know what? The Rock is going to yell his catch phrases now."

"WHAT!?"

"IF YA SSSMMMMMMMEEELLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN!"

"WHAT!?"

"WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

"WHAT!?"

"THE ROCK IS GOING TO STICK HIS FOOT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!!!"

"WHAT!?"

This went on for a very long time.

Trish Stratus was sitting at her house in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and she was bored out of her mind.

She was still pissed at the guys and girls of the WWE for shoving her head in the toilet and tying her up in the closet, but the more she thought about it, the more she thought she might actually have deserved it.

She thought she could almost definitely forgive them if they forgave her. Well, maybe not Kevin Thorn, after all, he did drive their van through the wall of her beach house, but everyone else, she could forgive. She was actually starting to miss them.

Trish let out a long sigh. She was probably going to regret this in the near future, but she pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number that had been on there for years.

"Yeah?" Came the answer. It was a female voice.

"Jericho? Since when are you a woman?" She asked.

"Haha very funny. This isn't Jericho. Who the hell am I talking to?"

"I could ask you the same question." Trish replied.

The other sighed. "This is Victoria. I answered Chris's phone because A – He's driving and B – It was in my purse."

"Why was it in your purse?"

"He didn't have anywhere else for it. McMahon made us strip down and give him our clothes before we left."

Trish was trying not to laugh. "Everyone?"

"Just us. You never answered my question. Who the hell is this?"

"Trish Stratus."

"Oh. What do you want?"

"Just give the phone to Chris."

"Whatever."

Trish waited, and a moment later, she heard, "Y2J, first ever WWF Undisputed Champion, huge rock star, and master of the universe speaking. What the hell do you want?"

She groaned, assuming Victoria had told him who she was. "God Jericho you really have an ego problem, you know that? I was just calling to see if I could get you to come pick me up."

"What!? Why do you want us to pick you up!? You're the one who ratted us out Vince and got us roped into another road trip!! Plus, you were bragging that you didn't have to go!!"

"I know. I wanted to apologize for all that. I just got mad and acted before I had a chance to think. I've been sitting home alone for just a few hours, and already I'm bored. I didn't realize how much fun it was when we were all just traveling together until now. Sorry."

Jericho seemed to be thinking for a moment, then, "Well alright… It's not gonna be the same you know. We're not all together anymore. Vince split us up."

"I know. But it'll still be fun. And, knowing you guys and your crazy ideas, half the roster will probably be on a space ship to Mars by next week." Trish told him.

"Hey! You know, that's a damn good idea! I'll have to see if I can steal a rocket…" Jericho muttered.

Trish wondered if he was just joking around, or actually being serious. She wouldn't put it past him. By next week, half the roster really could be on their way to Mars. It wasn't likely, but Trish guessed it was possible.

"So… Can you come get me?" She asked. "I'm at my house in Toronto."

"Call Edge. He, Christian, Maria, and Jeff have a bus."

"Ok." She replied. "See ya later Chris."

"See ya."

Trish hung up and dialed Edge. "What!?"

She rolled her eyes. "You really need a better greeting."

"Who the hell is this!?"

"Trish."

"Trish? Well what the hell do you want!?"

"Can you guys come get me?" She asked, and then explained the situation to him.

"Um… Let me think about that… It might take a while. I'll get back to you when Coach can wrestle."

He hung up.

Trish let out a sigh, knowing that that meant never. She dialed another number in her phonebook; silently thinking it would be faster if she were using her cell phone.

"Yeah?" She heard, and it wasn't the voice she had expected. Much too deep to be Carlito.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Chris Masters. Who're you?"

"Trish. Can I talk to Carlito?"

"No."

"What?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just because!!"

Starting to get agitated, Trish pinched the bridge of her nose. "Chris, why are you being so difficult?"

"I'm not."

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Then let me talk to Carlito!"

"No!"

"Why the heck not!?"

"Because he's… not here."

"Well where is he?"

"He… died."

"CHRIS!!!"

"What?"

"Give…the…phone…to…Carlito…" Trish said very slowly, trying not to yell.

"Well, ok."

Trish breathed in and out slowly. When she didn't here anything after a minute, Trish spoke up. "Hello?"

No reply.

"Hello? Carlito? Chris? Hello!?"

"Yeah?"

"CHRIS, GIVE THE DAMN PHONE TO CARLITO!!!"

"I did!!"

"No you didn't!!"

"Yes I did!! He just didn't say anything 'cause he's dead!"

"He's not dead!!'

"Prove it."

"Oh, come on!!!" Trish yelled. "Masters, I'm gonna find you and shove Carlito's apple up your ass if you don't give him the phone right now!!!"

"Ok. I'll see you whenever you find me then."

"No!! Wait!! Masters!!?" Trish shouted, but she was too late.

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again." The dull voice of the phone operator told her.

Damnit. Now two people had just hung up on her.

Trish tried to keep her sanity as she looked through the phonebook for someone else's number. Anyone would do, at this point.

"Who was that?" Carlito asked the man Vince had partnered him up with for the road trip.

"Telemarketer." The Masterpiece replied.

"Oh. I didn't think they called cell phones."

Masters shrugged. "Yeah, I didn't either."

"Hey Sylvan, why the hell did you ask Mark Henry to marry you?" Rob Conway asked his friend.

"Triple H gave me a hundred bucks."

Rene Dupree laughed. "So if I gave you a hundred bucks to propose The Undertaker, you'd do it?"

Sylvan shrugged. "Sure."

Rene looked away from the road for a second, pulled out his wallet, and gave Sylvan a hundred dollar bill.

"Next time I see him, I'll ask him to marry me."

Conway snickered. "And then he'll break both your legs, rip out your intestines, poke out your eyes, break each of your fingers one at a time, knock out all your teeth, stick a spike up your nose, and shove your Canadian flag up your ass."

Rene looked at him. "You actually think that highly of that supernatural freak?"

"No, I just don't think very highly of Sylvan. If Taker attacks him, he's as good as dead."

Rene nodded. "Oh. Makes since."

"I'd like to see either of you two propose to the Undertaker!!" Sylvan retorted.

Conway looked at him. "I'm not gay."

"Me neither." Rene agreed.

"I'm not either, but- wait a minute, you're not gay?" Sylvan yelled, looking at Rene.

"No!! You already knew that!!"

Sylvan raised an eyebrow. "I did?"

"I defended us when those freaks Billy, Chuck, and Rico were 'checking us out' on the last road trip! Plus, you met my ex girlfriend!"

"Oh yeah. But seriously, you really aren't gay?"

"NO!!!"

It was then that Sylvan's phone went off, playing the Canadian national anthem. Sylvan fished it out of Rene's 'man purse,' where he had stored it. "Yes?"

"Is this Sylvan Grenier?"

"It is. May I ask who is speaking?"

"Trish Stratus. I'm calling to ask if you can come pick me up?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Um… Well… you'd get to come to Canada… and…it would make me happy… and… uh… I'm hot."

"Point well taken. Tell me where your house is, and we'll be there as soon as possible."

Trish smiled. Finally, someone willing to get her. Even if it was Sylvan. He'd always been nice to her backstage, more so than Rene or Conway. Those guys seemed to rub a lot of people the wrong way, especially Conway. Rene and Sylvan really weren't bad guys.

Trish thought for a moment about the group that called themselves 'La Resistance.' They'd really been nice guys when they'd first joined the WWE. Well, not Conway. He had always been somewhat of a jackass. As previously mentioned, Rene and Sylvan weren't that bad. Rene had gotten somewhat arrogant backstage since joining WWE, but not really too bad in Trish's opinion, and Sylvan was still pretty much the same as when he first got the contract. Conway was the only one who had actually been downright rude to her.

The three of them really knew how to piss off the fans though, and that was always good for the business.

Still smiling, she gave him her address and directions how to get there.

"Alright. We're just exiting Nevada right now, so it will be a while."

"Ok. I'll wait."

"Why do you want to come anyway?"

"I'm bored."

"Good reason, I suppose."

"Yeah."

"Alright, bye."

"Bye."

"Road construction ahead!? Oh, just freaking great!" Stephanie McMahon shouted when she saw the sign.

Sure enough, tons of security signs and barricades were placed on the road ahead, and construction workers were hard at work.

"Just crash through it!" Rob Van Dam suggested, and Steph rolled her eyes.

"I'm not going to crash through it, Rob. That's not safe, plus we'd probably get arrested." She told him, keeping the vehicle going at about 30 miles per hour.

"We're probably gonna get arrested eventually anyway." Rob said, indicating the man in the back.

Stephanie looked over her shoulder, just in time to see Mr. Federline himself leaning a ways out of the car and grabbing one of the construction signs.

"Oh crap…" Stephanie muttered, before stepping on the gas and speeding out of there.

'WOOHOO!! SEE YA LATER SUCKAS!!!" K-Fed yelled, waving the sign at them.

One of the construction workers, a WWE fan, turned to his friend. "Is it just me, or did Stephanie McMahon, RVD, and Kevin Federline just drive by and steal one of our signs?"

The other scratched his head as he watched the car go. "For once, it's not just you. I can't believe I just saw that…"

"Here is your bill, sir."

Kevin Thorn grabbed the small pamphlet and pulled out their bill. He and Candice were eating at a sort-of fancy restaurant, but Kevin would be damned if he'd pay more than a hundred dollars for everything.

"1583 dollars and 50 cents!?" He practically screamed. "What the hell!?"

"Sir, with all do respect, you ordered two lobsters, our special clam chowder, three orders of steak, six orders of buffalo wings with barbeque sauce, five personal pizzas, twenty-seven refills on you drink, three smoked salmon, seven ice-cream cakes, eight other cakes, and forty-three ice-cream sundaes."

"Well yeah but I didn't eat most of it." Kevin said, gesturing to the piles and piles of food remaining on their table.

Candice shook her head.

"I know sir, but we can't take it back to the kitchen, so you'll just have to pay."

"I don't give a damn!! The price of food shouldn't be that high!!"

"Well sir, it's actually not. See, you also broke seventeen of our best plates, tore down and smashed the miniature light fixture above your table, destroyed three chairs, threw your silverware at other guests, and assaulted the waiter who brought the lobster."

"It was cold, and he gave be a bunch of bullshit!"

"You're just lucky the police were not called."

"I'm lucky? I'm lucky!? You're the one who's lucky!! Lucky I don't just rip your throat out right here you little bastard!! I'll pay five bucks and that's it!!"

"Sir, your bill is 1583 dollars and 50 cents. That is what you'll have to pay."

"Five… dollars…"

The poor waiter sighed. "Sir, please. I cannot go home until you pay. I promised my kids I would help with their homework before bedtime."

Candice offered him an apologetic look, but Kevin just scowled.

"Well if you're so damn eager to get home, you can pay for me!!"

"Please just pay."

Kevin sighed, and started to get his wallet out. Just when the waiter was starting to breath a sigh of relief, Kevin yelled, "GO TO HELL!!" Then slung Candice over his shoulder and made a run for it.

"Sir! Stop!! SIR!!!" The waiter tried, but to no avail. Kevin ran out into the parking lot, found their car, set Candice down, yelled, "Get in!!" and jumped in the driver's seat.

The waiter came running out into the parking lot just as Kevin stepped on the gas and sped out.

Candice sighed. "Kevin, did you really have to order all that stuff you weren't going to eat and then refuse to pay for it?"

"Hell yes I did. And I also had to beat the living hell out of that waiter who served us cold lobster, so don't even ask about that."

She shook her head. "We're gonna get arrested."

He smirked. "Nah, I don't think that guy saw the license plate, and even if he did, we'll be out of the country soon."

"Oh yeah!! Are we going to Venice?"

"Whatever you want, babe."

Babe!? Did he just call her babe!? This was getting too damn far. He was going to lose his mind. Oh well. He never really had all of it in the first place.