Milk (One-Shot)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Fiction Rated: T (explicit language)

Last Revision: 12/08/08

So. I'm back. Perhaps not better than ever. But back. And that's all that matters.

In case you have forgotten, I am Breezy. I'm the writer of that ... one fic. I've also been here for like, two years too.

God, that's long. But yeah. After my really long hiatus (without telling anyone too), I felt like writing something. I will admit, I wasn't in the right state of mind when I wrote this (drinking? I psh at it (looks to the side)). It's short and bitter sweet, but I think I've made my point about the show and the new game series. This means it's my opinion, so no, you don't have to agree with it. :P

Enjoy!

"I'm sorry, Ash Ketchum, but you just aren't cut up to work for us anymore."

"No! I can do better! I can be better! I promise! Give me another chance!"

"We simply cannot put up with you at this state. You need an upgrade. Or a degrade for that matter."

It seemed like it would have been a perfectly sunny day inside the golden walls of Saffron City. The Pidgeys flew across a clear blue sky, the Beedrills buzzed in the deep green sea of the forest, and people skipped down merrily on the sun-kissed street below the towering sky scraper where a young Ash Ketchum sat unhappily, looking out the window, wishing he was down there instead. But no, instead he was stuck inside a stuffy, smelly office with overstuffed couches, rough, red carpet, and two overly dressed people, too neat and stern-looking for Ash's comfort since he himself was only dressed in a shirt and jeans and his infamous cap that covered his unruly, black hair.

"Come on," he begged, squirming in his uncomfortable wooden chair, squeezing the armrests for dear life. "Give me another chance. Another season. That's all I ask for, please!"

The man on the other side of the polished redwood desk (and in a much more comfortable, leather swivel chair Ash noted in his head), rubbed his temples and leaned back, eyes cast down toward the papers in front of him. He picked them up and flipped through them before stacking them back down neatly.

"It's not that you haven't made us happy, Ash," he said wearily. "It's just that we need something new. Something fresh."

"Give me a new hat! Or a new Pokemon!"

Ash received a slap on the head, knocking his hat to the ground. He turned his head toward the side, noticing a yellow mouse twitch his pointy ears. The disgruntled Pikachu on his shoulder growled, red cheeks crackling with electricity as he crossed his arms and scowled.

"Okay. Maybe not a new Pokemon then," he muttered, bending over to pick up his hat.

The man standing next to the other man in the chair sighed and put his arms on the desk, leaning on them. "Ash, you don't seem to understand," he said. "Mr. Alex and I are pleased with your work, honest. That high-pitched, girly voice-" at this, Ash glared at him for a second, "-of yours makes us giggle. Giggle real hard. It's just that we're afraid that the audience is getting bored with you. You've been with us ever since the beginning. It's time for change."

Ash began to wonder about this. Doesn't the main protagonist of a story usually stay with the story? And if the main protagonist did happen to leave, wouldn't the series end too and a crappy spin-off would take place? Wait. Was that what that ... Pokemon Chronicles thing was about? He wasn't fired and they already make a crappy spin-off?

"Coffee?"

Ash snapped out of his thoughts and stared at the man in the comfortable looking chair. He was stirring some strong-smelling black coffee with a spoon. The coffee turned a light brown when he poured cream into it.

"Nah. I'm not a fan of coffee."

"How about some milk then?"

Ash raised an eyebrow. Being offered milk like he was a child?

"No. Thanks though."

The man shrugged and took a particularly loud slurp of his coffee - a loud, annoying slurp that rung annoyingly in Ash's ear and made him grind his teeth. He wish he was closer to the desk otherwise he would have slapped that coffee mug out of his hand where the coffee would spill all over those papers and his stiff-looking suit of his. Then he would cry bloody murder and jump out of his seat, getting coffee onto that other guy, and they would run together and crash through the window in a desperate attempt to dry their starchy suits.

Ash was unaware that he laughed at this scene of the two jumping off the building in his mind, making the two professional men eye him oddly. Pikachu, again, slapped him on the head with his lightning bolt-shaped tail again to bring him back into reality.

"Perhaps if we tell you of the other updates we have have had on the show, you'll understand why we need to change you."

"Replace you mean," replied Ash, giving the two a sardonic smile.

The man in the chair only chuckled. " We'll see," he laughed as he placed his ceramic coffee mug back on the table. Again, he stacked the papers neatly on his desk.

Talk about OCD, thought Ash.

The man pulled out a picture of two young girls, one with brown hair and the other with orange, both having bright, blue eyes. "For exemplar, we replaced Misty, who was in the commencement of the first three seasons accompaniment you with May."

"Er. Bombastic."

Ash really hoped that man was speaking English. Did that last slap from Pikachu make his head translate things into another language? Did that slap dumb him down? From what he understood, the man said that he replaced Misty with May.

Immediately, Ash's eyes drew down toward the girl's upper ... chest region. He heard rumors about May having bigger badonkers, but he was always afraid to look. He heard it was illegal and frowned upon in most countries.

Or was that only for Brock?

Ash shuddered at the mere thought of Brock flirting with May. He shuddered more when he pictured May flirting back.

"As you can see, Misty has one ponytail," said the man that was standing, using a laser to point at Misty because apparently he was too far away to point with his finger. "But May has two pigtail ... looking things, or what we assume to be pigtails. Or maybe she has some deformity in the back of her head where hair won't grow - we don't know. But either way, Misty was updated. Evolved, you can say."

That didn't make sense. Misty evolved into May? May was younger, wasn't she? But it made sense if May had bigger badonkers than Misty. Screw hair. Like those two were concerned about hair when they were hiring the girls for the show. Again, Ash drifted into his thoughts.

"Ah, shit," he pictured the man in the chair saying to a girl in his head. "Your hair is like shit. I don't like shit for hair. Now if you please remove that crap head from my office, please."

"But, Alex!" said the guy that had short arms like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, for he used a laser pointer to point at something two inches away. "Look! Look at below the shit for hair!"

"Quite right, Guy with the Tyrannosaurus Rex Arms! Those are some huge badonkers. You're hired!"

It made sense now! They put their perversity through Brock!

God, May's hair was weird.

"Mr. Ketchum?"

"Eh?"

"Does that make sense to you? Do you need to have that repeated to you?"

"No. My voice is just parched, that's all."

"Want some milk to clear that up?"

"Er. No thanks."

Ash took off his cap and ran a hair through his sweaty hair before putting his hat back on. "So Misty was 'upgraded' with May because of her hair?"

"Well, yes."

"That's a rather pathetic upgrade. But whatever. What about Brock? He's still here."

"We tried to degrade him with Max. But no one likes Max. I don't even like Max."

"So why hire him?"

"It's so we could get more adults to watch."

That was flawed logic. Why watch something you hate? Then again, Ash found a particular liking into blowing up Jessie and James even though he was suppose to hate them. He couldn't help but ask though.

"How does that work?"

"It's kind of like a guilt trip, Mr. Ketchum. Max is part of the children group. You don't hate children ... do you?"

Ash blinked twice. That show gave him some bad habits like blinking twice, making him look awfully stupid. That and blowing up anything that pissed him off with Pikachu's Thunderbolt. Apparently the police don't like that when they give him a ticket. But no one gives Ash Ketchum a ticket. No one.

The man in the chair continued. "See, it makes adults feel guilty. They dislike Max so much that it makes them feel guilty for disliking a child. Hence, they watch."

"Okay ..." Ash trailed off, nodding like it made sense when it really didn't. "What about Brock though? He still came back with Max still there."

Tyrannosaurus Rex Man waved his short arms in the air like it was obvious. "Because we needed someone to act our perversion through, silly!"

Ash's eyes went wide. "What was that?" he asked in disbelief.

"It's because some people were perfectly fine with him being as he is. Kind of why we never evolved Pikachu in the series."

"Oh. Oh yeah. That's why I thought you said. Sorry," replied Ash, rolling his eyes to the side suspiciously. "But there was also Tracey who took place of Brock in the Orange League series. Was he an upgrade or downgrade of Brock?"

"Supposedly an upgrade as he drew his perversion on paper instead of acting upon it," said the man in the chair. "But it didn't work out."

Ash really needed to stop thinking.

"So the point of me being here is ... is that you want to evolve me with someone else?"

"Quite right."

"Because people are getting bored with the show?"

"Yep."

"And making a new version of me will do what?"

"Spice things up. Get people excited for the show again."

"Isn't that overkill?"

"No, it's called - I said cream, Ty, not milk." The man in the chair slapped Tyrannosaurs Rex's short arms away from his coffee mug and poured more coffee for himself. "You sure you don't want anything to drink, Ash?"

"I'm fine, thanks," answered Ash, getting up from his chair. "Now if that's all, I think I'll be leaving."

"So, you're fine with it?" asked the man in the chair.

"More than fine with it." Ash walked backward toward the double doors and pushed them open. "Really. I hope this 'evolution' of me works out. Whatever works right?"

"Right."

Ash closed the doors behind him and grinned, laughing at the poor sap that would have to take his place, and the poor saps that would be introduced to this new generation of Pokemon.

Ash and Pikachu rode the elevator back down to the first floor. As soon as they left the building, a trainer with an odd-looking Pokemon passed by. "Is that a boy Gardevoir? Look at him. Look at him walk with his gangster pants instead of that ... skirt thing." Ash looked at Pikachu, and Pikachu only shrugged his shoulders in response.

"Milk indeed."

Tee hee.

LaTeR dAyZ!