A/N: Oh.Your.God. I haven't written any Artemis Fowl for ages, and I'm not about to be writing anything at all for awhile. I'm saving myself up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month.) yep, I'm a loon. 50,000 words in a month... that's like 1,666 words a day. I think that's what someone on the NaNo forum said. I'm just stocking up on sugar - I'm starting this amazing novel of mine at midnight on November 1... yikes. And I think I'm going to a Halloween party that night... eep! At least I'll be psyched up on sugar. I'm too sexy for your fanfic, too sexy for your fanfic, too sexy something spankit! ;; It was the sugar :runs:

BUT... Last Sunday (yesterday...) a miracle happened. I got my hands of a copy of Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony. Yes, this follows on somewhat from there. I haven't included the twins except as references; I don't want to OC-ize them, I'm just waiting for the next book. Excuse me while I ramble about Lost Colony. If you haven't read it you have two options A: leave. This fanfic will just be one big spoiler. B: Stick it out. But don't go cryin' to me. Now here's my ramble, which you can feel free to skip.

ramble

Lost Colony was DEFINITELY the best Artemis Fowl novel yet. I loved every single word. ESPECIALLY the mushy scene at the end where Artemis and Holly are trying not to be romantic, and failing miserably. I read it over and over, and I can't help thinking that Holly should kill Minerva with a rusty pitchfork. If I don't get there first. Seriously, Minerva was the only bad part of this book. She just... ugh. No. Eoin needs to kill her now. NOW. Before I do. Because my methods are far more painful. Oh and yes, I will be killing her off in this fanfic ;) But overall, I adore it. The No1 pun is especially good. They always refer to Number One as No1, and back in the demon world, he is a "No1" or Noone. See? Don't I rule for spotting that? And I always see Artemis' puns... the one is Arctic Incident was especially funny... Sir E. Brum... Cerebrum. People don't appreciate how funny Artemis actually is, in his own way. And that's really kind of sad, because he isn't fully appreciated as a character. It's not like he kills bunnies with rusty forks. He's just different. Unique. And damnit, I want to change my finger order now. it sounds FUN! You can do the finger to people, without them noticing! HAHAHA... Another character I didn't like was Doodah Day. Doodah just didn't do it for me. I hate the fact that he appears to have snatched a spot as a regular. That's just... nyargh. His fate will be sufficiently less terminal than Minerva now. Oh, and Artemis is officially eighteen! And being eighteen has possibilities... Holly! It's safe! You won't be jailed as a child molester now! Bwhahaha...

/ramble

On with the story, damnit!

When Artemis Lost His Brain

'At times like these, it's hard to believe that these are really just great big balls of gas, millions of lightyears away...' Artemis thought, in an unusually sappy mood. He was lying on his back in the grass at midnight, softly gathering dew. Butler was circling not too far away, he knew, but Artemis ignored the soft sound of footsteps on grass, staring at the stars. Of course, had he been thinking properly, Artemis would have realised that Butler was a professional, and didn't make footsteps. No, it was someone - or rather something else making that noise. But he paid no attention, gazing at the sky as he had been for the past hour or so.

Of course, this inattentiveness was a potentially fatal flaw. Any good assassin could be sneaking up on them. It could be a kidnapper, trying to get a ransom from the vast fowl fortune. Luckily for Artemis, it was neither of these things. Luckily because by the time he noticed anything, the grass beside him had compressed, and there was something touching his shoulder.

Artemis' attention snapped back to earth like a bungy cord, and he called out, hesitantly yet casually, to his manservant.

"Butler?" Artemis said, as though going to ask him to get a drink or some similar menial task. To Artemis' surprise, though, there was a reply.

"Right here Artemis, what is it?" Butler's voice came from somewhere behind Artemis, sounding perfectly normal. That was certainly a shock, which convinced Artemis to look at who or what was touching his arm. If they were a human, Butler would have them in a bodylock by now. he stopped turning his head when his nose bumped into the pointed nose of Holly Short.

"Hiya." She grinned cheekily, hugging Artemis. "Long time no see."

Artemis hugged her back shyly. "What are you here for? Do the LEP need me again?"

"Nah. Remember what I said last time we saw each other? "We never get to hang out." Guess who actually managed to get a surface visa for once..." She grinned widely.

Of course, Artemis had entirely forgotten that he had summoned Butler, who came running when there was no further reply. He crashed past one of the rose bushes, only to find Artemis lying on the ground, locked in a tight embrace with Holly. Butler grinned, dropping his attack stance. "Good to see you again, Holly." He grinned, causing Holly to look upwards with her unmatched eyes.

"Hey Butler, good to see you too!" She beamed up at him, releasing Artemis from the admittedly awkward embrace, and clambering to her feet.

"I'm here for a little visit, sorry to drop in unannounced like this. You have no idea how hard it is to get permission to come see you guys." She smirked.

Artemis climbed to his feet, brushing his clothes off nonchalantly. "It's good to see you, Holly. How long are you planning on staying?"

"A week, if it's okay. I have holiday time, for once." She smiled, stretching and yawning. "Damn... walking here all the way from Tara wore me out. I didn't get to use a pair of wings. Is it okay if I borrow one of your many rooms until I feel better?"

"Go ahead. Butler, would you set up the guest room for Holly's stay?" Artemis said, unable to keep the grin from his face.

Butler nodded. "You have to go inside first though. I'm not leaving you alone out here."

Artemis nodded, having accepted this as the most likely probability, and gestured to the mansion. "Shall we?" Holly nodded, and they headed for the nearest door, flanked by Butler, who was still eyeing the premises furtively.

000

Artemis and Holly settled themselves into the kitchen, sitting at a small table with cups of tea and a plate of cakes, while Butler went to prepare the spare room. Holly was flushed with pleasure at the prospect of a week in the company of her favourite humans; Artemis was trying to remain composed, while his brain ka-chunked through various thoughts. His mother, father, and twin siblings were away, looking at pre-schools for the twins to attend, and weren't expected back until tomorrow. But what then? His parents had had the fairy stories erased from their memories; Holly showing up might be too much for them. He would have to figure out a way to conceal her species. But how?

Artemis sighed, rubbing his temples. Holly recognised his thinking expression, and kept her distance, for which Artemis was thankful. He discarded plastic surgery and holograms immediately; they were too farfetched, and too much work for now. Instead, he toyed with the idea of some sort of prosthetic, itching to pick up the phone and call Minerva for her input. Sadly, the LEP had insisted on mind-wiping her, and so she had lost all recollections of ever so much as hearing of Artemis. ((Okay, okay, so I didn't actually kill her. Yet. :evil laughter:))

Artemis' thinking was interrupted when Butler re-entered the room. "Holly, your room's ready now. You can head up and go to sleep." He smiled at her. "It's next to Artemis' room. I'll assume that you know where that is."

Holly nodded. "Mental maps. Artemis, do you mind showing me where the bathroom is?" She smiled innocently. "The one area of your house I haven't infiltrated yet."

Artemis nodded, smiling at her. "Of course. Our rooms share an En-Suite. Assuming that Butler has put you in the room I think he has, which is logical, because he said your room is beside mine, and his room is on one side of mine, yours must be on the other." He gave a little self-satisfied nod at the end of his speech. Holly sighed and punched his arm half-heartedly.

"Come on mud boy, bedtime." She yawned, and started heading for her room. Artemis tried to contain a stretch.

"I believe I will go to bed as well. It is late." Artemis stood up, heading for his room. Butler followed, stalking Artemis until he got to his bedroom.

000

Once he had bade Butler goodnight, and changed into his pyjamas, Artemis slid into bed, still pondering the problem of how to explain Holly's ears away to his parents. Her presence was ease enough; Holly was a friend of his who was in town and needed somewhere to stay. No, it was the problem of her species that was niggling him now. Holly was an elf - a very pretty one - and looked it. How was he going to convince his parents that she was human. She could mesmerize them, but that might affect their brains, and besides, it wasn't guaranteed to work. Sighing, Artemis got up to go to the bathroom, hoping that an empty bladder would help him think better. He opened the door, and immediately wished he hadn't...

000

Holly wandered into her room, pulling her collapsable suitcase out of her pocket, and expanding it. She opened the trunk to reveal some simple clothes, a little makeup, and some other necessities. Grabbing her special shampoo and conditioner, Holly tugged at a somewhat limp strand of her auburn crew cut ((A/N: I HATE when an author will say she has long hair in a different colour! PLEASE read AI properly! PLEEEASE!)) and decided a shower was definitely in order, to get off the sweat of walking all that way. She wandered into the spacious bathroom, and started a shower, forgetting completely to lock Artemis' door. After all, she wasn't used to this sort of living arrangement. She lived in a one-elf apartment usually, and had no need to do anything other than turn on the shower and hop in when she felt like getting clean.

Of course, it was mud-man water, so it wasn't exactly clean, but this was all Artemis had, so it would have to do. At least he appeared to have some sort of primitive purifier that made the water about as clean as it could be on the surface. Better than what most mud-people bathed in... ugh! She shuddered at the thought.

Holly stepped under the cascade of clear water, preparing for a nice long warm shower, followed by a nice warm bed. Artemis sure knew how to live... All thoughts were shattered when Artemis' door opened... 'D'arvit!' Holly thought in the split second before her panicky side took over. 'Forgot to lock the door!' Then the part of Holly Short that was just a normal woman took over, and she screamed shrilly. Artemis yelled and covered his eyes, while Holly reached desperately for her towel, while trying not to expose herself. And then all hell really broke loose.

000

Butler was doing one last perimeter sweep when he heard the scream... unmistakably Holly's. He entered her room with usual bluntness, only to find nothing, but hear Artemis yelling through the bathroom. All conscious thoughts erased except 'Protect Artemis' Butler smashed through Holly's bathroom door, bumping into Holly and sending her flying in the worst direction possible - straight for Artemis. The two collided, knocking Artemis to the floor, and knocking both of them unconscious. For about five seconds - the time it took for him to realise what happened, and become embarrassed. Then Holly and Artemis were waking up groggily, though Holly snapped back to attention a lot faster, and jumped off Artemis, hiding behind the sink.

"Butler?" She said in a suprisingly calm voice. "Could you please pass me a towel?"

000

The whole thing actually blew over pretty smoothly, with Artemis apologising embarassedly over and over, Butler returning to bed, relieved nothing had happened, and Holly brushing Artemis off by saying that she was tired and it was late. But both she and Artemis lay awake that night, thinking about what had happened. Artemis started off wondering how he had possibly been so stupid that he had forgotten to knock, but somewhere along the line puberty took hold, and he wound up thinking how lovely a body Holly had. Holly was just wondering how she could have forgotten to lock the door... it wasn't that hard. Nobody except Butler got much sleep that night.

A/N: Yeah, I'll end it there. MWAHAHA. Next time on When Artemis Lost His Brain; Day One. Artemis has to think of a way to disguise Holly's ears without focusing on the rest of her; Holly wonders what the heck is wrong with Artemis, Butler is bored, and Artemis' family return home. Let's see if I can get around to writing it before NaNoWriMo... unlikely - my nana's visiting for the first time in almost a year as of tomorrow, and then I've got a sailing race to worry about, then NaNoWriMo. So wish me luck, and see you then. I'll probably post my novel on my DA or something - if I do, I'll put a link to it in my profile. It's a Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Comedy, with decent-sized dollops of angst and drama, so it should hopefully be a good read. Or maybe it'll be crap. Who knows. Hell, who cares?