Title: Puss in Spandex
Category: Anime/Manga » Naruto
Author: gyuunmaesan
Language: English, Rating: Rated: K+
Genre: General/Humor
Published: 10-26-05, Updated: 10-26-06
Chapters: 3, Words: 3,075

Chapter 1: Prologue

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there lived a businessman with three sons. The eldest son, Itachi, wanting to grab his father's whole wealth, murdered the old man, ran off with the land titles, bank pass books and other the important papers and joined other criminals to form the Akatsuki Organization. The second son, Sasuke, vowed to avenge his father and regain their family's wealth so he went to the village of Sound to join Orochimaru in order to learn the terroristic combat and survival skills he needed to break up the Akatsuki and kill his brother. The third son, being saner than the two psychotic elder brothers, though not blessed with their good looks, decided not to run after the lost fortune and instead, make his own fortune. Such was the determination of Rock Lee. Thus, one day, he packed what few belongings he had and, slinging his backpack over his shoulders, lead a flock of sheep to lands far, far, away. He vowed to never return home until he became a distinguished man.

Joining him in his travels was a cat; the only thing belonging to his father that Itachi did not take or destroy. At first, he had doubts about taking the cat along with him. He did not want the creature to experience the hardships were sure to come along his way. He tried giving the cat away but everyone except the young girl at Ichiraku's ramen stand seemed to be scared of it. Lee was puzzled. His cat was very loving and cute. It did not have lice on it because Lee gave it a bath every week. Why, he even brushed its fur so that the cat was quite a sight: shining, shimmering, splendid. The young boy did not seem to notice that his cat's pure black coat scared most of the superstitious villagers.

"Kitty, why don't you just go with Ayame? She says she needs a cat to keep the mice away from the stand. Plus think of all the yummy food you can get, after all, this is Ichiraku, the best ramen in Konoha!"

"Meow." The cat gave Lee that large, watery-eyed look reminiscent of Puss in Shrek 2, begging Lee not to leave it behind. Lee was almost moved to tears but he would not be swayed.

"Kitty, many hardships will come my way. I no longer have a roof above my head. I will subsist only on the food that I can find along my way, may they be the fruits from the trees, the root crops beneath the soil or the poor rabbits and quails that are unfortunate enough to come across my path… Do not worry; I will come back someday to reclaim you, when I have already become a great person…"

As Lee was busy reciting his pitiful oration, the third Hokage came by to eat at the famous ramen house. He overheard the young boy's lament and, being the kind-hearted leader that he was, called Rock Lee and told the young man to eat ramen with him. Lee tried to refuse the village leader's offer but his stomach grumbled. The Sandaime smiled and said, "Don't worry, I'll pay for your meal."

After the two ate their ramen, Sarutobi took out his pipe and started to smoke. He thoughtfully looked at Lee stroking the cat, which was taking a nap on his lap.

"Lee, you are planning to leave Konoha?"

"Yes, sir," Lee replied.

"You know, it's very hard to travel when you don't have money."

Lee hung his head. Sarutobi noticed this and chuckled.

"Don't look so down, I know a job that will enable you to travel."

Lee's eyes lit up. The Sandaime continued to speak.

"Everyone knows that I have a large flock of sheep. In fact, my flock is so large that I don't have enough shepherds for them. What would you say if I gave you sixty sheep for you to tend?"

"No, Hokage-sama, I don't have the money to buy sixty sheep…"

"All right, I'm loaning them to you. Pay me back when you come home and become a distinguished person already."

Lee's eyes were filled with tears.

"Hokage-sama, I have heard of your greatness but never of your kindness. Thank you so much! I promise to take care of your sheep and pay you when I come back after I have done great deeds!"

The cat meowed loudly as though rejoicing for his master's good fortune.

"All right, come to me before dawn tomorrow," the Hokage said as stood up to leave. "And Lee," he continued.

"Yes, Hokage-sama!"

The village head looked at the cat, which was rubbing itself on its master's legs.

"Don't bother about giving that cat away. Take it along with you. It will bring you good luck."

The cat grinned. Its teeth sparkled in the afternoon sun.

Chapter 2: Give me a Green Spandex Suit

The third Hokage was right; being a shepherd enabled Lee to travel and have a job at the same time. The only things that concerned the sheep were food and water. As long as the boy knew how to find the best pastures, they would be his friends. They were content with just food and water and, in exchange, they generously gave of their wool, their company, and once in a while, their meat.

It was on Lee's travels that he noticed something unusual about his cat. Lee had been worried at first about the wolves and other predators they would meet on their way but his dilemma was solved during his first night as a shepherd.

Lee shivered. The sheep suddenly stopped bleating. A pair of gleaming eyes that did not belong to the cat shone out of the dark. The creature's eyes narrowed. The shepherd braced himself for the oncoming attack. Though he knew taijutsu, he was still a bit nervous. I must protect the sheep and Kitty at all costs! he told himself. Another pair of gleaming eyes appeared beside the previous pair. Damn it! Which animal must I attack first? The two predators sprang into the air. Lee kicked and stunned the wolf to his right. He searched for the other wolf. He had expected it to take away one of his sheep while he was busy fighting with its partner. Imagine his surprise when he saw it lying on the ground, unconscious. He was even more surprised when he saw Kitty standing up on its two hind legs as though it was human. "Whew, that was easy," the cat said. Wait a minute, did my cat just TALK? Lee's eyes widened. The cat faced him. "Master, are you all right?" Its eyes were full of concern. Oh my God… And for the first time in his life, Lee fainted.

Lee woke up to his cat's wailings and meowings. "Oh my youthful master! Why have you forsaken me? Your bright flame was extinguished so quickly! Woe unto me for speaking in front of you! You died of shock! Forgive me, dear kind Master!

Although Lee wanted to faint again after hearing this speech from his cat, he got up and looked at it curiously. "Kitty, you can talk?" he asked his cat.

The cat continued to wail, "Fate, how cruel of you! Even after death my poor master still calls me Kitty? Why did you not reveal to him that my true name is Gai? Hu-hu-hu-hu…"

Lee was even more shocked to hear this. "Your name is Gai?" Tears started to flow out of his eyes. "Oh my poor Kitty, forgive me for I did not know this valuable piece of information! Oh, how long have we tormented you with that horrid, horrible name. Oh Gai!"

And with that Lee hugged his cat.

"Master, you're breathing. You're ALIVE!"

And with that, Gai hugged, or rather, clung to the front of his master. Huge waves crashed in the background.

From then on, Lee had a companion in his travels with the sheep. Not only did Lee gain a fellow protector for his sheep; he also gained a lively, talkative friend. Not a dull moment passed with Gai around to do silly antics and make ludicrous speeches about youth, springtime and burning flames. Though Lee laughed at all of Gai's crazy antics, the young boy admired his cat's courage and determination. If before, he was merely fond of the cat, he now respected and treated it as an equal.

One day, the cat made a strange request.

"My youthful master, if you will give me a green spandex suit, we will always have good luck."

Lee raised one of his thick eyebrows at this. He then shrugged it off as another one of Gai's fantastic whims. "Why would you need a green spandex suit?"

"Master, I cannot explain why I need one. But please, give me a green spandex suit so that we will always have good luck."

Since Lee was very fond of Gai, he said, "Very well, I will look for one when we reach the next town."

Rock Lee found a green spandex suit in a shop that sold doll's clothes. After paying for it, he gave it to Gai who was waiting at the town inn. The cat wore the suit and then, as if by magic, a whole set of accessories appeared! There were orange socks and arm warmers, a pair of blue sandals, a red belt with Konoha's enblem on the shiny silver buckle, a bag of shuriken and a green vest with many pockets. Dressed in his new clothes, the cat looked quite splendid. Gai walked around, showing off his new clothes. Lee's eyes welled up with tears. He was very proud of his cat.

"Oh, Gai!"

"Master Lee!"

Lee hugged his cat. Gai hugged, or rather, clung to the front of his master. Huge waves crashed in the background.

"We must have a celebration!" Lee shouted after he came back to his senses. "Gai, I will treat you to dinner at Marina's Tail. They say that it's the best seafood place in this town."

"Meow! Thank you master!"

The two set off for the said restaurant. Gai received a lot of highly amused stares because of his clothing. One pair of eyes however, did not find the scene entertaining. A dark hooded figure followed the cat and his master to Marina's Tail.

"I'm sorry, sir. Pets, especially pet cats, are not allowed inside." A waiter blocked Lee and Gai's entrance to Marina's Tail.

"Oh, I assure you my cat will not cause trouble. He is very well trained," Lee answered. He was getting frustrated. Two customers had already been allowed inside though he thought they looked more suspicious than he and his cat. The waiter looked at Lee skeptically. As if dressing his cat up would fool me! The waiter thought.

"If you won't allow us in..." Gai's voice trailed off. The waiter was taken aback. "Master, let's just go back to the inn," Gai said. The waiter staared at Gai. A talking cat! Maybe he was in the presence of a necromancer! I shouldn't mess with these two, he thought.

"All right, I believe you," he said out loud. Lee and Gai grinned. Their teeth sparkled. The two were led to a table by a window that held a spectacular view of the pier. After settling down, Lee ordered a large dish of seafood chopsuey. After their meal, the two sang at the restaurant's videoke bar.

And now, the end is near…

The unseperable pair sang karaoke's great classic, Frank Sinatra's "My Way".

I did it MY WAAAAaaaayyyyy!

A dozen songs later, Gai noticed that his master began to hiccough. After Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca, Lee's speech was starting to slur. What happened? Gai was pretty sure they did not order alcoholic beverages. He sniffed Lee's glass of Coke. Something was not right.

"Waiter," the cat called. The waiter came right away. He was afraid to displease the "necromancer".

"I think my Master's drink was spiked with something alcoholic." He gave the glass to the waiter. The waiter nervously sniffed it then nodded. "Did something happen to you before you served our drinks?"

"Well…" the waiter said slowly, a troubled look in his eyes, "as I was bringing out your drinks, I did get distracted for a moment. I put your orders down here," he said as he tapped the waiter's station, "while I ran to do the Heimlich maneuver on a customer who choked over her lobster."

"Couldn't someone else have helped her?"

"Well sir, she was very pretty and wore a tube top, if you get what I mean…" the waiter clapped his hand to his mouth.

"O-ho-ho! No need to feel ashamed young man." Gai winked. "I understand the amorous callings during one's springtime of youth. However," Gai became serious again. "You must help me now. As you can see, I am too small to carry my master home. It is essential that we get my master out of here at once, before…"

"HI-YI-YI-YI-YI!" Lee's shrill battle cry made everyone clap their hands to their ears. Lee threw his mike at the videoke machine's screen, causing it to break. He then jumped into the air, then whirled round and round. A great tornado formed right inside the restaurant. Dishes and glasses flew and smashed on the walls as table cloths flapped up and down. The restaurant's patrons fled for their lives. The waiter shouted to Gai, "Turn it off! Turn it off you necromancer! I promise I won't take advantage of choking females anymore!"

Gai looked at the waiter. "What the hell are you talking about?" He looked at his master. "Oh master Lee! Stop now! Please!" But Lee didn't stop spinning.

Gai started to meow and wail loudly. THAT caught Lee's attention. He stopped whirling and landed gracefully in front of Gai. The cat threw a glass of water at Lee's face. Lee blinked a few times then stared at the black feline. Gai looked up at his master sorrowfully ala Puss in Shrek 2.

"Gai."

"Master Lee."

"Gai!"

"Master Lee!"

Lee hugged his cat. Gai hugged, or rather, clung to the front of his master. Huge waves crashed in the background.

"There they are officer!" pointed a man. Lee and Gai let go of each other.

"Hurry now, Gai! You must escape," Lee said

"I cannot leave you!" Gai protested.

"Go now!" And with that, Lee grabbed Gai and threw the cat out of the window.

A troop of policemen rushed to where Lee was.

"You are under arrest for damaging public property. Join us peacefully now or else…" the officer with a scar over his nose threatened. Lee gulped. "Oh, and by the way, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you."

Lee allowed himself to be handcuffed. "Where are you taking me?" Lee asked the policeman on his right. "To the head of the most prominent clan in town," the officer replied in a rather foreboding tone.

Chapter 3: Copy Cat

Gai landed on a trashcan and hit his head on something hard. Just before losing consciousness, he heard the officer say they were taking Lee to the head of the most prominent clan in town. Gai was woken up by loud laughter.

"And then I saw him fall like this. (Whoosh! Flump!) And he just FAINTED! (Laughter) What kind of cat is he? He should have landed on his four feet in the first place!"

Gai realized that his fall was being made fun of. He got up and dashed to where his impersonator was. The audience—a small group of alley cats—stopped laughing. The impersonator, a gray cat with a patch over his right eye, looked at Gai and said, "Oh, you're awake already."

Gai immediately raised his paw and slapped the impersonator hard. "You're nothing but a second-rate, trying-hard copy-cat!" he thundered.

The audience gasped. Immediately, the gray cat pounced on Gai. "Hey, this is what I do for a living. Got a problem with that?"

"I will not tolerate your lack of respect!" Gai scratched back.

"Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!" the audience cheered.

The two cats jumped and landed on opposite sides of the makeshift stage where the gray cat had been performing. Try to imagine the start of a boxing match. Sure enough, a fat orange and white cat announced, "In the left corner, wearing his signature eye patch, a green vest and blue pants! Here comes the Master Copycat, KAKA-SHIIIiiii!" The alley cats cheered.

"And on the right corner, wearing a green spandex suit, with orange accents! Here comes…" The announcer whispered to Gai, "Hey, what's your name?"

"Maito Gai!" Gai yelled. "And these are not mere orange accents! They're arm and leg warmers!"

The announcer rolled his eyes. "Whatever. HERE COMES MAITOOOooo GAI!"

The alley cats booed.

"You two. I want a good clean fight…" The announcer suddenly became a referee.

"Hey, hey," Kakashi said in a lazy tone. "What will I get if I win this fight? I won't fight for nothing, you know?"

The referee thought for a while. "Well, the loser will become the winner's slave for one day. How's that?"

"Call," said Kakashi.

"Call," said Gai.

The two went into their battle stances. The referee jumped out of the stage and banged on an empty can of corned beef. That was the starting bell. Kakashi and Gai both brought down their right paws…

"Kakashi has rock! Gai has paper! Gai wins!" the referee announced.

The alley cats grumbled. One by one, they left the place.

"HAHAHA! Kakashi, you're my slave for one day!" Gai mocked. Kakashi jumped down the stage "Hey, where are you going?" Gai asked.

. "I'm going to the next town," Kakashi said. "This loss has brought a disastrous end to my business in this place."

"But you can't do that! You're my slave for one day!"

"Yeah, yeah. Do you expect me to act as your landing pad whenever you fall from a building? Take those weights of your arms and legs and you'll be able to land gracefully next time."

"You don't understand! I need your help. My master is in a life or death situation." And with that, Gai explained to Kakashi what just happened at the Marina's Tail.

"The last thing I heard was they were taking him to the head of the most prominent clan in town," Gai concluded.

"Shit, cat! You're master's in deep trouble," Kakashi said rather menacingly.