It's been a long time since you guys have read this one, hasn't it? Yeah, I finally decided to update my list again. Yes, it's been forever, and yes, I need to work on my other fics as well, so don't berate me about them. I've been slapped in the face with two major school English projects, and I'm trying to work on them as well as these. So please, for the sake of good writing, be patient.
Now then, along with a few successful sequels to the skits from last chapter, as well as a few new ones I came up with in my spare time, I present the 9th chapter of When You've Officially Cracked! So sit back, relax, and make sure you have a warranty on your chair in case you break it laughing.
Skit number 1: Crossover confusion! (This is my equivalent of an apology to Freaky for Kratos' last role in my previous chapter.)
(Opens with scene from Advent Children. Cloud is fighting main bad guy, Kadaj, before he becomes Sephiroth. Use whatever moment you wish if you've seen the movie.)
Cloud was confident in his abilities as a warrior. He had triumphed over countless villains before, even defeating Sephiroth. He was now fighting Kadaj, so as to prevent Sephiroth's resurrection. However, there is one enemy that Cloud fears, the enemy that controls his paycheck. I'm talking, of course, about the directors.
"What do you mean, I'm being replaced?! You can't replace me! How will you have a storyline?!" Cloud yelled, frustrated at the director he was speaking too. They had gone on break and he had just been told that his character was being replaced, something about cost efficiency and some other bullcrap.
"Yeah, yeah, shove it out your blowhole. I've heard it all before kid. Besides, we got a true professional to replace you, and the guys in script writing have already smoothed it over. Now, get off my set!" he yelled at Cloud, who slumped away at the loss of his job.
"Alright people, let's take it form the top. Where's the new guy at?" The director yelled. He felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to see the new actor. "Alright pal, here's your shot. Get in place!"
(Now go to the scene where Cloud jumps to the ground during the fight, smirking. You know which one I'm talking about, the one with the ship in the background.)
"I won't go easy on you!" The new figure yelled, who revealed himself to be…Kratos! Wearing his Judgment suit! He drew his sword and shield and charged Kadaj, who blocked.
Meanwhile aboard the ship, the guys were merely staring and in a few cases twitching, as they watched all the female characters almost eye-rape Kratos.
Skit number 2: Pyro meets his match!
The gang had just made it to Celsius' temple, and had proceeded to cross the frozen lake. As they walked, no one noticed that Genis was twitching occasionally, and the twitching seemed to increase as they got closer to Celsius. Finally, they entered the seal room.
Celsius appeared and began to speak, when she was rudely interrupted. "I am Celsius, the Summon Spirit of Ice! Who are you to enter my-"
"EXPLOSION!" Celsius quickly dodged out of the way of the massive fire assault. She looked back at the group. "Alright, which one of you little idiots interrupted my monologue?" Everyone quickly looked at Genis, who simply glared at Celsius.
"You are the polar opposite of my master, Efreet! I will defeat you in his name! FLAME LANCE!" He shouted, casting another spell. Celsius countered with her own spell.
"ABSOLUTE!" she yelled, freezing the attack before it could even come close. Genis snorted. "You truly are a worthy rival of the flames! Let's see what you've got!" He leapt forward to charge, while everyone else just sweat dropped heavily at his actions.
"This is getting ridiculous!" Lloyd shouted in frustration. "Can't we make him quit?"
Raine shook her head. "I'm not going to be stupid enough to get in the way of a pyromaniac who can blow me up, would you?"
Lloyd straightened up in thought. "Point well taken."
Skit number 3: Colette's secret fighting style!
It was a nice calm day in Meltokio. Everyone was happy, the birds were singing, there were bodies flying in the air, merchants were selling wares…
Wait, back up a minute. 'Bodies flying through the air?!'
It was the coliseum that turned out to be the source of this strange phenomenon. Every few seconds or so, a random bandit or creature would be launched out of the stadium, landing roughly to the ground and splattering everywhere, at the speed of mach 2. Shall we move in for a closer look?
"WHOO-HOO!" Colette exclaimed, as she watched another one go flying. "That was my best one yet! What do you think guys?" She turned around looking for her fellow partners, Lloyd and Genis. "Guys? Where'd you go?" She heard a whimper behind her, and turned to see Lloyd and Genis, both in the fetal position, sucking their thumbs.
"I'm a good person, I'm a person, I'm a good person!" Genis kept chanting to himself.
"Why did I give Colette the Extreme Symbol?! Why?!" Lloyd yelled at himself. What Lloyd hadn't realized was that along with the extra strength of the Extreme Symbol, one can gain a rather…energetic look on life. Or in Colette's case, an energetic throw. They had gone to the Coliseum to get some money by fighting, but when Colette saw Lloyd get harmed by a particularly nasty, and equally foolish, bandit, she simply lost her temper and threw him out of the stadium.
In the stands sat the rest of the group, laughing their asses off at the sight of Colette frightening Lloyd. Even Kratos laughed, though it was only a deep chuckle.
Skit number 4: What Presea shouldn't have seen. (this one might be borderline T, so keep that in mind.)
Presea Combatir was a simple enough girl to understand. She was twenty-eight, had the body of a twelve-year old, and the mind of a computer. Easy to get, right? However, there was one slight problem that no one knew about, until today.
When Presea had been forced to hold back her physical growth, this included her going into puberty. In fact, the day they applied the exsphere that would cause her to become seemingly robotic, was the same day that she would start puberty. And right on the dot when her hormones were supposed to start flowing too. Oddly convenient.
Then Presea went on the Journey with Lloyd and the rest and regained control of her body. However, her body was momentarily, "paused", shall we say, still, in the physical sense. However, that all came crumbling down when they went to the Hot Springs.
As they walked by them, guided by the owner of the springs to the house where they could change, Presea went through one of the random times of her life to look around. And what she would see would affect her for the rest of her life, for she accidentally saw a man…without pants on.
Upon seeing this, her hormones got an enormous jumpstart, 16 years worth coursing through her, and her gaze switched from the man to someone else, namely Genis.
Presea then connected a few things in that one glance. One, she realized that Genis was fitting of the term cute. Two, she realized that she had developed feelings for him as well. And three…she was curious to what lay beneath those shorts of his.
Upon splitting up inside the house, Raine found herself approached by Presea, and gave her her due attention. "Yes?"
"Where is Genis?" Presea asked simply, her intentions clear in her own mind.
"He's in another room now, taking a nap, I think. Why?"
"I was just curious about what was under his shorts." She replied simply. She walked off while Raine walked to the Hot Springs, her mind not realizing, what she had just been told. She was relaxing when the conversation finally replayed.
"I was just curious about what was under his shorts."
She suddenly shot up, right when she heard a particularly exuberant shout from the house. "YES! OF COURSE I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT'S UNDER MY SHORTS!" And then she fainted.
Skit number 5: The hidden badassness and the midget mage!
The group was now heading towards the pedestal where the Eternal Sword lay, with the Ring of the Pact and Origin in tow. They were off to save Colette, who had been taken by Mithos to Derris-Kharlan. After making sure that all supplies were ready, Lloyd grabbed the Eternal Sword, and it transferred its powers to Lloyd's blades.
But before they could take off, the Sword shouted "WAIT!"
"What is it, Eternal Sword?" Lloyd asked. Some may find it strange for a boy to talk to a sword, but remember people, this is a magic sword we're dealing with, and so different rules apply.
"My power is needed elsewhere. There is another person here destined to wield my power." The sword replied. The two orbs of red and blue soared out of Lloyd's swords, and above the rest of the party.
"Who is it, Eternal Sword? Who else could wield you?" Lloyd asked, dumbfounded by this sight. He was also slightly disappointed, since he wanted to wield the shiny sword.
"It is the one you call…Genis Sage!" the Eternal Sword replied, and flew towards Genis. There was a collective gasp as the orbs flew into Genis, and his body glowed with a bright light. Once the light died down, and everyone could see again, they were quite shocked at what they saw. "Whoa…" Lloyd said.
Where Genis stood, now stood a figure quite taller. At about 5'10, with silver-white hair in a tight ponytail extending to his shoulders. His clothes had been replaced with Dark blue battle pants, with plenty of pockets for gels and the like. Black boots adorned his feet. His shirt was now tight on him, a light blue, reminiscent of his old one. It revealed a lithe body, his pecs and six-pack slightly outlined. Over it he wore a bright emerald green cape, drawn over his shoulders majestically and hiding his arms and legs.
His face was now more drawn out, no baby fat left at all. His eyes, when they opened, now revealed a brighter hue of blue, as if the ocean themselves. He stood there with the Eternal sword now strapped to his back, no doubt ready for him to use with his new body.
"Whoa…Genis…"Lloyd said in shock. 'How the hell did he become so…so…bad-ass?!' he thought sadly. 'I wanted to do that!'
"Genis, are you alright?" Raine asked, concerned for her brother.
"Yeah, Raine. Actually, I feel great, full of energy!" he said, his voice now deeper than before.
The moment of awe was quickly brought to a good conclusion, as Presea, overloaded by the handsome new appearance of Genis, promptly fainted, her face flushed red.
Kratos, who had chosen to come with them, smirked and said "Looks like we have another bad-ass on our team, not to mention another lady-killer. Not bad, Genis."
After that, Genis went on to defeat Mithos single handed, restore the world, as well as Presea's body, and lived happily ever after.
Wow, lot's of credit to Genis this chapter! What did you think, Genis?
Genis: (Back in his regular body) Man, I wished that had actually happened. Why does Lloyd get the bad-ass sword? He doesn't even now how to properly wield it!
Me: Who says you won't grow up to look like that?
Genis: Then there's still hope! (drools slightly at the thought of re-enacting Skit number 4.)
Me: That's the spirit. Now, remember to read and review, people. See ya!