Okay guys, you brought me to it ... I tried my own fanfic for the TMNT...
My first one, ever I must admit!
So please be gentle, when tearing me to pieces
This story will contain...despair... angst... drama... blood'n gore... of course a bit humor here and there... and, like it or not, a slight note of yaoi romance.
Just to show that this kind of stories need not necessarily be some wet, slashy, Mpreg Pornparade, but something deeper.
And before the rant on "omigod they're gay" or "ewww but they're brothers" starts ... this is just one possibility of an infinite variety of options how things could have been with or for the guys...
I took this one, life with it
So I hope you'll enjoy reading, and really like to discuss things with you.
P.S. 13.10.06 I just placed an updated version of Chapter 1 here as an edit... this is the final revised one ;)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shells we built... Chapter 1 : Shells we built...
You know, I've always been different than my brothers.
I've been considered the calm one, the kind one, maybe even the secluded one.
Yeah, secluded; in my own little techno geek world, where things can be repaired with a screwdriver, order a couple of mouse clicks. But... I guess I started to realize now that this was more to hide my inner self from everyone, and to be in a world where things actually can be fixed.
At first I thought I'm kinda broken. I was fourteen. But I soon came to the conclusion that there are things that are different, that can't be "fixed" and that maybe don't need to be fixed at all. But I was too embarrassed to let my family know.
No, I would hide myself, only to let the brink cover of my soul be seen. To concentrate myself on learning how things, I had some interest in, work. To distract myself from feeling what I'm not supposed to feel.
And for quite some time it worked out.
But now I'm twenty and things are about to change, whether I want to or not.
My Name is Donatello, let me tell you a story. My story.
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When I wake up that morning in January, somebody is shaking me.
Shaking? Oh my, something must have happened! I flip up to an upright position to see what's going on only to see Raph standing above me, my shoulders in his grasp, barely covered with a towel and wet... and ... well guess what, angry.
"Hey Donnie, the heating is dead aga'n and I'm not goin' to have an ice shower, ya hear me?"
"Uhm, what? Aww... not again! Yeah, wait a minute, I'll have a look on it. Whoo, you're right, it's freezing in here!"
And cold it is! I notice I can barely feel my fingers. Must have been a damn deep sleep, though.
I swing my feet out of the bed, shake my head a little and look up to Raph.
But as I see him standing there, without his mask and other gear and with only a Batman towel, he must've taken it from Mikey.
The chill was somewhat replaced by an inner warmth.
Well I guess my gaze strays away a little.
"Hellooo, Earth to techno turtle? What'cha waitin' for? Christmas is gone already! Or am I looking too hot to move or what?"
He crosses his arms in front of him and makes a provoacting face, by rising an eyebrow.
'Well actually...' I start thinking, but quickly realize what I am doing.
"Hm? Oh sorry, no! Not at all, hehe... I'm off then, see you at breakfast."
And 'off' I am, man that was embarrassing. But I can't stop thinking about him.
Raphael, the hot head; and I mean that ambiguously. The more I try not to think about him, the more I find myself doing it.
For the love of the Big Turtle out there, I love Raph, but not as a brother... as the... real thing, whatever that means.
And as much as I'm trying to force myself not to give in to it.
I simply can't stop. Well good thing nobody sees me confused like this, in spite of the radiator appearing in front of me as I walk over to the heating controls.
And it's not gonna tell anyone... I hope.
So I distract myself with the task upon me, and soon the heating is back "online" so to say, I already smell the tempting scent of baked bacon.
Mikey must be in the kitchen. But I'm not really hungry. My stomach growls a bit… Awww, well maybe a little hungry.
"Dooonnnie, breakfast! Your bacon looks hot today, nyaha." Mikey teases
"Shuddap Mikey! I told you not to!" So, Raph is in the kitchen, too, waiting for his opportunity to shower…
Smack !
"Oww, man Raph, I wasn't listening on purpose, I just walked by! Owie!"
Oh that's great, Mikey heard us and got the wrong conclusion to pull a joke as usual.
"Too bad you got the right conclusion this time, Mikey." I mumble to myself
I sigh and go down to the kitchen as Leo and Master Splinter are emerging from the dojo.
Today's gonna be a real secluded lab day, that's for sure.
"Good morning, my son, good you repaired the heating." He looks at my face and rises an eyebrow."How are you, Donatello? You didn't show up for your morning katas."
"Yeah, sorry Sensei, must have overslept big time I guess. I'm working on ... a... project you, know? Got late yesterday."
I nervously try to explain my lately lack of punctuality… Not really convincing I guess.
"Ah, I see. Good then just be there in time tomorrow morning."
"Yes, Sensei, of course." I look down a bit ashamed.
"Nahaa, busteed!" Mikey comes out of the kitchen wearing his 'kiss the cook' pinafore.
"Mikey, I'm really not in the mood today ok?" I look rather tired at him.
"Hum, okay, okay, just come for breakfast, the bacon's gonna get cold..." He mutters, while hurrying back to the kitchen.
We all sit down in the kitchen and start having our breakfast. I must admit it, Mikey can make really nice food, other than Leo. Shell he should never try to make anything again other than sliced bread.
Only the slicing part.
"So what are you guys up to today?" I ask, trying to make clear, I won't be taking part of it.
"What's that supposed to mean, Don?" Raph spits out.
"Don't tell me you're going to lock yourself up again in that lab of yours." Raph doesn't seem to be that happy with this 'common knowledge'…
I look at him, "Yeah I'm about to exactly do that" my inner voice says to me.
"I hoped you'd spar with me a little t'day, you're really neglecting you training lately, and I don't wanna get you all slim shady, ya know?"
Raph states in a mixture of being concerned and mocking, while raising a piece of bacon in his fingers and turning the slim side to my direction.
Oh my ... I'd really like to... You've got no idea... But ... no...
"Aww, I'm gonna train tomorrow with Mikey. I must finish this project, you know? Another time, ok?"
I try to wiggle myself out of this tempting suggestion.
"Hmpf, you'd better get your training done, than hushing from one "project" to the other. It's not like I'd kill ya. You're not Mikey, tchehe."
Raph mutters annoyed.
"HaaaHaaa very funny, Raph. I think you're just too "hot" for him to train with. Hehe, you said it yourself." Mikey grins widely.
Smack !
"Shut up Mikey..."
"Ouch! Man Raph, that'll be a black spot on my pretty body!" Mikey whines, rubbing his hit shoulder.
"I hope so, that's why I did it." His face shows he really enjoyed this.
"My sons, can't we just eat our breakfast in peace for once in a while?"
"Of course, Master Splinter, sorry Master Splinter!" It sounds from both of them.
I have had enough, I stand up and start to leave the kitchen. Thanks for rubbing it in my face, Mikey.
I really don't need to hear "this" fact from my brother, too…
"Donatello, you have barely eaten a thing. Is everything alright, my son?"
"I'm just not that hungry and I'm eager to get to my project, that's all Sensei. Thanks anyways!" I state, barely looking back at Master Splinter.
"What's with him all of a sudden?" Mikey asks rather surprised that I left his bacon behind.
"I'll go and talk to him." I hear Leo, while I am heading towards my lab.
Great just what I need. I don't want to talk. If I wanted to, I would have said it, wouldn't I?
"Hey Donnie, wait a moment." Leo's stride matches mine, so I stop but don't look at him. He takes me by the shoulder and turns me a bit so I'd face him. "Donnie, are you sure you are alright?" He asks concerned. Always the caring one, eh Leo?
"Yeah, Leo I'm fine. I'm just... tired, because I've been up late yesterday. Don't worry, ok?"
I hate lying to my family, but what am I supposed to do? They wouldn't understand.
"Ok, Don... But if you want to talk, you know where to find us, ok?"
"Yeah, thanks Leo." I force a smile.
Then I turn back to my lab and head through the door as Leo shrugs his shoulders and returns to the kitchen.
Phew, that was close.
But... I can't hide in here forever, can I?
One day I will tell them, but not now, that's what I keep telling myself everyday.
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In the late evening somebody knocks at my lab's door.
"Donatello, my son, may I enter?"
"Of course, Sensei."
He opens the lab door and comes in two steps.
"What can I do for you?" I ask him while turning myself around from my working table.
"I believe I should be the one to ask you this question." Splinter points out while closing the lab door behind him.
"You've been extremely quiet today. And the look on your face tells me that something isn't right."
Was it that obvious? Damn.
"So what's the matter, my son. Is something bothering you?"
I turn around not to face him. What a dumb idea, that's a practical confession…
"No it's nothing sensei, I'm fine. Really."
"Are you sure?" I hear his concerned voice.
Of course I'm not sure! But there is simply No Way I could tell Master Splinter about my feelings. It would dishonor him. And he'd surely not understand.
Or would he? And how would I tell him that?
Hey Sensei, I'm gay and in love with my own brother? Nah, never.
"Y-Yes I'm sure, Sensei. Thank's anyway." I stutter nervously…
"Well, If you say so." He turns around and grabs the doorknob, pausing a moment… obviously waiting for something.
That's it! My "shell" is broken. I can't keep it up anymore.
"Sensei..." I sound like I was five years old, scared and unsure of everything.
"Yes, my son?" Splinter asks with some kind of relieve in his voice, but still looks at the door.
"Do you love me?"
He quickly turns around with a pretty surprised and uneasy look on his face.
"What kind of question is that? Of course I love you! You are my son! I love all my sons, no matter what!"
"N-no matter- what?" My gosh what am I doing here?
Splinter rushes to me and cups my cheek.
"Donatello, let's go for a walk, and talk."
I look down, ashamed.
"Ok, sensei." I whisper.
We go out of the lair and the sewers into the park. The others don't notice us while we're leaving. I think that's a good thing. Raph's away anyways, saw him sneaking out a while ago.
It is very quiet in the park, fresh snow all over the darkened place.
I wonder if anybody would notice the strange footprints we leave behind, the next day.
Nobody besides us is outside, so nobody would listen but the whitened trees.
"You know sensei…" I start feeling anything else but sure what I'm doing here.
"I- I- There is something- wrong."
"So what is it, my son. I'm sure we can fix it."
"No! No, this can't be fixed. I don't know where to start, honestly."
"My son, I didn't answer your last question yet.
Yes! I love you, no matter what!" He looks very sorrowed and his voice matches his looks.
"So please tell me what it is, that is so hard for you to tell me. I've never seen you like this!"
He looks very sorrowed and his voice matches his looks.
I feel a tear running down my cheek and quickly turn away.
I feel so ashamed of myself, for being … like … this!
"Please promise me you'll never tell anyone!" I beg while looking into nothingness.
"If it is your wish, I will never tell anyone what you're about to tell me."
I turn my head to look into his face.
"I- I- I love Raphael…
But not like a brother, you know?...
I really ... love him... I'm... gay...
I'm sorry, I disgrace you!"
Quickly, I look away, about to run away, but a hand reaches my wrist.
I do not dare to shake it loose. Slowly I face him again, tears in my eyes, having lost every last bit of dignity.
Well that's it. I've done it. I told the secret of my life to my father.
Great…
I await the shocked and disappointed look, but nothing comes.
He closes his eyes and nods slightly. He looks directly into my watery eyes with this fatherly, warm smile that is always so soothing.
The sky started snowing again. Big white flakes slowly fall straight down between us due to there is no breeze to guide them towards any other direction but down. It is so silent I can only hear our breathing and my heartbeat. Not that I'd notice that at all…
He is still smiling, not with mischief or disgust, but with … love…
"How could you ever disgrace me, by loving someone?" Splinter asks calmly, with his lovingly, warm father voice.
"Does he know?" He asks curious.
"Raphael? No! He mustn't he'd never look at me again!" I'm desperate, I want to run, to run away from everything, but I know that's not an option.
"Calm down Donatello, calm down." He says soothingly
"Nobody is going to tell him anything." He pulled me into a hug.
"You are my son, and I love you!" He assures me.
"And I am proud of you, to face your fears and tell me your secret." Snow gathers on his fur, giving him such a light tint.
"Never ever think that you could disgrace me. Less than ever by loving someone. You are the most polite and gentle being I know."
He wipes away my tears with his warm furry hand.
"It doesn't matter who you love as long as you can love! Isn't that the most important thing? To be able to love?"
I am near crying out loud of happiness for having this burden off my soul.
Finally, after all these years, there is this feeling of being understood, accepted for what I really am, for how I truly feel!
Maybe... just maybe there is a chance that if Splinter would accept me, Raph would, too…
"Thank you... father!"
For the briefest of moments I am utterly happy! All of my fears disappear, for this single moment I won't worry about anything!
I embrace him with the hope and love he gave me back.
Then suddenly, the white flakes stop in midair, or so it seems.
BLAM!
I see a flash of light in front of me and a sound echoes in my ears, a very loud one.
How could I not notice the thug over there at the bushes?
How could Sensei have not sense him? We were caught completely off guard!
I feel how the embrace in which I was loosens up.
I look down and my whole world collapses in a blink of an eye.
My beloved Master… my father sinks down to the ground…
I can see blood on my plastron. His chest is wet, warm… and red…
No, please! Sensei!
My knees start to wobble… and fail…
BLAM!
A sting runs through my chest as I fall to my knees. The world turned into a flurry of shades and snow.
I look at my father, he whispers something but I can't understand it.
BLAM!
I don't feel the pain, just the feeling of loosing the only person in the world that truly understood me, and that's more painful than any bullet could ever be.
As I sink down to my… dad, I hear him whispering again.
Our blood is tinting the snow around us.
"N- no m- matter wh-at, my s-son."
Then my sight gets blurry and I hear a high pitched noise, probably caused by the blood loss.
It's cold ... so cold ...
I try to see who it was, the one who shot us, who caught two ninjas with three bullets.
He's still standing there with his gun… Can't determine what he looks like… He's coming towards us now.
I see a shining metal object flying into the guys chest, a sai. Then I hear a voice.
His voice.
"Donniiiiieee! Master Splinteeeeeer"
They must have followed us, and I thought I was the curious one.
Then I see a shadow over me.
THUD
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Well that's it first chapter ;) Hope you liked it, that's why I'm doing this. Whats gonna happen? Let's see things from Raphs perspective in the next chapter