A/N: I wrote this at two in the morning in the middle of my Fresher's Week. Consequently, it's not the best thing I've written, but I needed to get it out of my system, especially after rewatching Doomsday. BTW, if you've not seen Doomsday, DO NOT READ THIS. Your head WILL explode. --goes back to talking to people who have seen Doomsday-- So anyway, that bit where Rose got impregnated by a Dalek ... what was THAT all about! ;) just kidding ...
The Doctor had an idea.
After the events in Torchwood Tower – Rose's heroic departure leaving him with no chance to say goodbye – he felt distraught and hollow at the loss of his companion. What sort of word is that? Companion? She was more than that. So much more. There had to be some way – anyway – of him being able to say one last goodbye to her. It was the least she deserved, and perhaps it would help them both reach closure.
So the Doctor worked. All day and every day for uncountable days, he sat in his library poring over ancient Gallifreyan texts that detailed the movements and loopholes of parallel worlds. He did calculations and equations, worked out potential dates and coordinates, even consulted with astrological charts in an attempt to find a window in time and space … and, after uncountable days, he found one. There was a chance – a miniscule chance, but a chance nonetheless – that if he could harness a large power source and find a crack in the vortex that hadn't sealed, he might … just might … be able to see Rose one last time.
I'm coming, Rose.
Leaning back in his chair, he took his glasses off and rubbed his face tiredly. It was times like this he felt all of his 900 years. Who am I kidding? I lost count of my age centuries ago. Rose had been so young, so full of vitality, that she had rubbed off on him. His youthful exuberance, his passion for life, even his appearance – that was all down to Rose. But how do I tell her where to go? I'll need to time it right or the universes could collapse. He yawned widely and stretched his lanky frame to its full height, cracking the bones in his neck and massaging the tense muscles in his neck and shoulders. Maybe some sort of signal … human brainwaves are relatively receptive to certain frequencies … if I could tune the TARDIS and send a message through this gap, it might reach her …
Worth a try, isn't it?
Rose.
Am I supposed to be getting a response?
Rose.
What should I say to her? Follow my voice?
Rose.
Please listen, Rose. Please listen.
Rose.
I'm here. Follow me. I'm here.
Rose …His eyes snapped open as he sensed some movement. The inside of the TARDIS glowed at him, oddly bright. The turquoise hue of the time rotor seemed to whiten, and the temperature suddenly plummeted. A brief flicker of his vision and he found himself standing on a remote-looking, windswept beach. The image was oddly transparent – the inside of the TARDIS could still be seen faintly. His hearts jumped as he saw Rose standing in front of him, staring out to sea and looking sadder and wiser than he'd ever seen her look before.
Rose …As if she'd heard him, she suddenly turned to face him. He tried to keep his face impassive, but the confusion on her face was unmistakeable.
"Where are you?" she asked. Her voice sounds so small.
"Inside the TARDIS," he said. Smooth. Like she's going to understand that. "There's one tiny little gap in the universe left, just about to close." She stared at him with an unreadable expression on her face. "And it takes a lot of power to send this projection," he went on. "I'm in orbit around a supernova." He couldn't resist breaking into a small smile. "I'm burning up a sun just to say goodbye." Hoping that would impress her, he felt disappointed when she didn't react obviously. He held his breath as she stared at him, searching for the words to tell him.
"You look like a ghost," she finally said. Damn! Can't have calibrated it right.
"Hold on," he said, fiddling with his sonic screwdriver and pointing it at the TARDIS console. The image sharpened and he found himself standing completely on the beach, with no sign of the TARDIS in sight.
He found he didn't mind.
Rose walked slowly towards him, her expression still unreadable. Say something, Rose. Please. She tentatively reached out her hand towards his face and hesitated.
"Can I—?" she began. Oh, Rose … if only you could.
"I'm still just an image." Just saying it crushed him. "No touch." She withdrew her hand and stared sadly at the Doctor. The silence was killing him. Come on, say something, anything.
"Can't you come through properly?" she asked, a pleading note in her voice that nearly broke his hearts right there.
"The whole thing would fracture," he said dully. "The two universes would collapse." Rose just stared.
"So?"
That's my girl. After all I've put you through, you'd destroy the world to get to me. What did I do to deserve you? After an awkward silence, the Doctor looked around properly, taking in his immediate surroundings.
"Where are we?" he asked. Good a question as any, I s'pose. "Where did the gap come out?"
"We're in Norway." Well, that was unexpected.
"Norway." He nodded. "Right." Rose nodded as well.
"About fifty miles out of Bergen," she confirmed. Something in her eyes twinkled. "It's called Dårlig Ulv Stranden."
"Dalek?" he said sharply. I can't have heard that right, surely …
"DårLIG," Rose confirmed. I didn't. "It's Norwegian for 'bad'." The twinkle in her eye was back. Bad? "This place translates as 'Bad Wolf Bay'," she continued, not attempting to conceal her ironic chuckle. The Doctor smiled at her. My Rose. Bad Wolf. You used your powers through parallel universes. Rose's laugh descended into silence as she looked at him, trying to search his soul for answers to questions she couldn't know.
"How long have you got?" she asked, trying to hide the emotion in her voice.
"About two minutes," he said quietly. She nodded and laughed again. How am I going to live without you? "I can't think of what to say!" she giggled, and the Doctor chuckled with her. Sod's law. The one time you have to say something and you're lost for words. He looked behind her and saw the distant shapes of Mickey, Jackie and Pete all huddled together next to a large jeep.
"So you've still got Mr Mickey, then?" he asked. No longer Mickey The Idiot. When did that happen? He seems a lot nicer this time around. Or maybe I'm the one making more of an effort. I'll miss him. More than I care to admit in public.
"Yeah, there's five of us now." Five? "Mum, Dad, Mickey … and the baby." A smile played on her lips. Baby? Her and Mickey …?
"You're not …?" Pregnant? With Mickey's baby? A pang of jealousy hit him for a split-second before Rose grinned.
"No," she laughed. The Doctor sighed with relief and well-hidden smugness. "It's Mum," she confirmed as the Doctor looked over at Jackie. "Three months gone," Rose continued, "more Tylers on the way." He looked back down at Rose expectantly as she stared blankly up at him.
"And what about you?" he inquired. "Are you …" What? Happy? What kind of a question is that?
"Yeah, I'm back working at the shop," said Rose, misinterpreting the unsaid ending of his question. The shop? Oh. Well, if it's what she wants … He nodded grimly and pressed his lips together in a tactful smile.
"Well, good for you." My poor Rose … working in a shop. You were better than the shop when I met you, and you're certainly better than the shop now. Then again, who am I to comment on other people's lives? I ruin enough of them.
"Shut up," Rose said, a hint of amusement in her voice. She gave a small smile and the twinkle returned to her eyes. "No, I'm not," she carried on, staring at the Doctor with something between resentment and pride. "There's still a Torchwood on this planet, it's open for business." Oh, Rose … "Think I know a thing of two about aliens?" My darling Rose … when did you become so wise?
"Rose Tyler," he proclaimed proudly. "Defender of the Earth!" He grinned down at her and she returned the beaming smile. For one blissful moment, the Doctor could pretend that they were on just another adventure – that they'd been together for years and they'd be together for years to come – until Rose's smile faltered and her stoicism began to crumble. Should I tell her, or … she might have guessed, after the warning from the Beast … no. I have to tell her. It would be an insult not to.
"You're dead," he blurted out suddenly, "officially. Back home." Rose nodded. "So many people died that day, and you've gone missing …" She nodded again, a smaller nod this time. She understands. Thank Rassilon. "You're on a list of the dead." Even saying it sounds wrong. How could they think she'd died? "Yet here you are," he said gently, smiling proudly at her. "Living a life day after day. The one adventure I can never have." And will never have without you.
Rose's face crumpled slightly, partly from emotion and partly from trying to hide it. The bitter sea wind whipped her hair around her face and stung her ears and nose, and as her eyes welled up with tears the Doctor found himself thinking that she had never looked more beautiful.
"Am I ever gonna see you again?" Rose asked, her voice cracking. Don't cry, my Rose. If you cry, it'll break both my hearts. Be strong, Rose. One of us has to be strong, and I don't think I have it in me to be that one.
"You can't."
"But what are you gonna do?"
Make it up as I go along. Brilliantly.
"Oh, I've still got the TARDIS," he said, forcing a cheery nonchalance into his voice. "Same old life. Last of the Time Lords."
"On your own." Yes, Rose. On my own. The wanderer. The lonely god. The man without a home. I'll never have a home again.
"I …" You what? Please Rose, please don't cry. Don't cry over me, I'm not worth your tears. Live your life and be happy. There's not much time left, and so much still to say –
"I love you."
Oh, Rose.
"Quite right too." What sort of a response is that? "And I suppose …" What do I suppose? "If it's my last chance to say it …" Say what? What should I say? Rose … my Rose … "Rose Tyler …" Say it. Just once, if you never say it again …
And she vanished. In the blink of an eye, Rose Tyler and Dårlig Ulv Stranden disappeared without a trace, never to be seen or heard from again. And that, more than anything else, was what broke his hearts. With his mouth still open, staring at the spot where Rose had been standing, he finally allowed himself to shed two solitary tears – something he hadn't even done after the Time War. But that was Nine's fault. Bottling things up. One tear was for Rose, and the injustice of her passion and exuberance being restrained to a single planet. The other tear was for himself – his broken, lonely self, never to be completely whole again.
I think I love you, too.