Sightseeing

Chapter Twenty-One – Giving Up

I woke up to the sound of a nearby mattress creaking. My eyes opened against my will, and I rubbed them, not wanting to wake up.

Creak.

I squinted through the faint light. I don't think it was dawn yet. The sound was coming from Gala's bed. He sat up suddenly, and I hid my face under the covers, mostly. He was panting, catching his breath. Had he had bad dreams too?

I had bad dreams, before. I dreamed things I don't want to think about. Things that happened, things that didn't. Mostly things that did. Things about my family...

Gala was wiping sweat from his brow, eyes wide. This could be a dream too, I thought. I could go back to sleep and forget, like I kept trying to do. But Gala looked so sad and scared. And I was sad and scared, and tired too. Maybe sad... wasn't a good enough word. But seeing Gala like this made me sadder.

"Gala?" I said quietly, peeking my face out from under my blanket.

"Noa..?" He whirled around to look at me, looking shocked, then relieved, then embarrassed. "I... I'm sorry. It's nothing. I didn't mean to wake you up."

I shook my head. "I know. I remember bad things too. Things that make me sad. And I can't help it. You can't help it either, right?"

"Noa, I..." He started, raising a hand as if thinking of reaching out to me, then dropped it to his side and let out a small sigh. "...Yes. You're right. I... I can't help it. I've tried. And so have you, haven't you."

I nodded, frowning. I had been trying so hard not to remember for so long, but I was so tired. "Yeah."

Gala relaxed in his bed a little, and it was quiet for a minute. For a moment I thought we were going back to sleep, and my eyelids shut –

"But you know... it's okay for you to feel sad, for you to remember these things. You aren't alone. You have us."

You aren't alone.

I felt the knot in my chest rise up again. I sat up with it, unable to stop myself.

"But you're sad too! You won't... you won't..." You won't understand, I thought, no, that's wrong - "You don't want me to cry!" Tears welled up, no, not again - "You don't want me to be sad! Vahn doesn't want me to be sad either! But I am sad! I'm really, really sad, so..." I sniffled, wet drops pooling under my chin.

"I know you're sad, Noa. We both do." Vahn?! It was Vahn. I thought he was sleeping... did I wake him up? He got up from his bed, walked over, and crouched next to mine. "It's okay to be sad. You can be as sad as you have to be. We just want to help you. I -" His eyes were so full of... something in the dim light, it was hard to look him in the eye but even harder to look away, "I want to be there for you."

For a split second, the bad feeling stopped. But... I want to believe that, I want to, but – "But you left! Why did you leave?" Tears were splattering onto my hands now, and I turned my head away. "You said you were there for me and you left! Gala too!" I looked at his face, and my heart sank. I felt horrible for even saying these things. "I... I know it's selfish, and I'm being bad, and I know we aren't traveling anymore but... I wanted you to stay! I can't... I can't be alone anymore..."

"Noa."

His voice was soft, and deep, and calming. I glanced up, still not looking him in the eye.

"I am so, so sorry. I made a mistake. I thought I needed to be somewhere else, and I was wrong. But I swear –" His hands gripped my shoulders, and I finally gave in and my eyes met his. Everything stopped, for a moment. His gaze was fierce, like I had seen before on our journey. 'We have to save these people,' he would say, eyes burning and fixed on the horizon, on the sky, on something ahead of us; and we would feel that fire too, and follow him because he knew what needed to be done. But this time, those eyes were looking straight at me. "I will not leave you again."

I nodded, transfixed.

It was impossible not to believe him when he looked like that. I found myself starting to smile, despite myself. Then the smile broke into tears. "Okay! Okay. Okay, but, if you leave, if you don't stay I'm... I'm gonna..." I wiped a cheek, frowning, "I'm gonna beat you up!"

Vahn's eyes went wide. His hands left my shoulders and one went to his mouth, stifling a laugh.

"H-hey! I mean it! I'm serious!" I frowned. "Stop laughing!"

Vahn let out a snort and then, looking like he was trying really hard, stopped himself from laughing more. "S-sorry. I know you're serious. And, you probably could beat me up couldn't you?" I nodded. Of course I could. I'm at least as strong as him, and faster. "Yeah, I don't doubt it. It's just..." He looked away, a hand behind his neck. Was his face a funny color? It was hard to tell in the faint light. "It's nice to have you back."

Oh. Oh, no, Vahn was so nice, and I missed him, and I still felt terrible but... but... Tears started falling again. How were there so many? I'd already cried so much.

Vahn looked confused, and upset, like he didn't know what to do, and before I thought about anything I grabbed him around the shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He wobbled for a second, falling forward onto his knees and then wrapped his arms around my back, holding me tight to his chest.

"I missed you too," I said, taking a deep breath of old leather scent between hiccupy sobs. "Thank you for coming back."

He nodded, and not saying anything, just held me there until I finally stopped crying.

And then, after the longest time, I started to tell my story.

Author's Note: Sorry for the cliffhanger! This chapter was going to be longer, I swear, but then it unexpectedly changed perspectives. I'm already like 500 words in, and intend on writing more tomorrow, so an update should be soon. Relatively. What even is 'soon' with this story?

Anyway, it's nice to be back. I hope somebody is still reading? Well, either way, I'm glad to be writing again. I've missed these characters and I want to see this story through. If you're still out there, thank you so much for reading!