Playing with Matches
The official blind dating show with characters from mismatched misc. books!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these numerous characters except Cackles and Giggles.
AN: Giggles is based off of my dear sister, who helped me so much to write the stories, and Cackles is based off of me in a weird twisted sort of way.
Episode 1: Artemis Fowl & Hermione GrangerCackles: Hello and welcome to Playing with Matches! Hee hee hee…
Giggles: I'm Gigglefits. Giggles for short, and I am your host! This here is our other, less important host. Watch out for her, she bites!
Cackles: Hee hee hee!
Giggles: Anyway… I'd like to get started with the show, because I have to do my older sister, Cackles's, geometry homework. Can you believe she's only paying me a dollar?
Cackles: Hee hee hee!
Giggles: Yet again, we remind our readers that playing with matches is dangerous!
Cackles: Hee hee hee!
Giggles: Shut up! Anyhooow, here are our first guests! Bring them in!
Random person leads in frizzy haired girl with large teeth. She is blindfolded
Giggles: You idiot! Blind date is metaphorical!
person takes off blind fold and cowers in corner
Giggles: Hullo Hermione!
Hermione: What is going on?
Giggles: You're here to go on a blind date with somebody extra special! He's smart too, so you should like him!
Cackles: Hee hee hee!
Hermione: Who is it?
Doors burst open. Seven police officers and three army reserve people drag in a pale Irish boy.
Artemis Fowl: You stupid morons! If Butler were here you'd be sorry! As it is, you'll be even sorrier! I can hack into your accounts; I can destroy your lives!
Hermione: Extra "special" eh?
Cackles: Got him directly out of Juvie! Hee hee hee!
Hermione: Well I don't like him. He's got dirt on his nose.
Artemis: I do? Where? Get me a mirror! It isn't on my suit is it? You know this thing cost me 100,000 pounds!
Hermione: That's insane. I don't think I've spent that much in my life.
Artemis: Well you aren't a child prodigy criminal mastermind, are you?
Hermione: Child prodigy yes, mastermind yes. Criminal no.
Artemis: Obviously not a mastermind if you talk like that all the time.
Giggles: Okay you two lovebirds, time to get rolling.
Hermione and Artemis: Where are we going?
Giggles: The movies! We already bought tickets for you to Lord of the Rings!
Cackles: Hee hee hee! Lord of the Rings…
Hermione: Oh goodie!
Artemis (mumbling): Bloody waste of my time…
All four (plus unseen T.V. crew) pile into a van. Artemis is sitting with absolutely no expression. Hermione is reading.
Giggles: Okay, have a nice time, here are your tickets! Don't kill each other!
Both: Grumble.
Giggles (to T.V. crew): Okay, they're gone, let's go.
They all get up into the ceiling with a ladder and set up camera above Artemis and Hermione though a light
Giggles: Shhhh. Start filming!
Film begins to roll as the movie starts
Movie: Go back to the shadow!
Artemis: This is lame. If Butler were here I wouldn't have to put up with this.
Hermione: Shhhhh… I love this movie!
Artemis: I don't even have my laptop.
Hermione: Shhhhh!
Artemis: They took my cell phone away too.
Hermione: Will you shut up?
Artemis: Life sucks. Where's Holly Short when you bloody need her?
Hermione: Petrificus Totalus!
Artemis goes rigid as a board and falls over on floor
Hermione: Finally!
Artemis: ……….
Hermione: Awww… Poor ickle Arty! You want me to let you out?
Random person from audience: Shut the fing h up!
Hermione: You promise you'll shut up? Really? Then do you promise you'll be nice? Really? Then do you also promise you'll stop being a criminal? Really? Wow. Okay then!
Hermione releases the spell
Artemis (grabbing wand): Where did you get this?
Hermione: It's my wand give it back!
Entire Audience: SHUT UP!
Artemis: You can do magic? Eureka! Another magical race to exploit! Mind if I borrow this for a day?
Hermione: YES! Return my wand at once! I'll report you, and I assure you, Dumbledore won't be too pleased! Neither will my parents. They're dentists you know.
Artemis: I'll give you a thousand pounds for it.
Hermione (snatching wand out of his hand): You are by far the worst Muggle boy I have ever seen.
Doors burst open and Giggles and Cackles come rushing in and pull the two apart.
Giggles: I told you two not to kill each other! This is supposed to be a date!
Hermione: He started it!
Artemis: She started it!
Cackles and Giggles drag both out of theater. Applause arises from audience
LaterGiggles: Well, that didn't go too well, did it Cackles?
Cackles: Hee hee hee, not at all…
Giggles: Next time we'll pick our candidates more carefully.
Cackles: Hee hee hee…
Giggles: Well, that about sums it up for this episode of Playing with Matches! Tune in next time!