A/N:God...I haven't published in a while. My bad. I have too much school work and a pissy pregnant teacher who hates everyone.

Forest Level Ten:

Mixed Emotions and Innovative Sentiments

Only if…

If he were to say he loved you, would you accept?

I…I would.

Even after he broke your heart, you would still love him?

…Yes.

Why, after he caused you so much pain?

Because I love him.

When will you stop loving?

I don't think I'll ever stop loving him.

Why you say 'him' do you really mean Kurosaki or is it someone else?


Renji-sama and I went camping the next day. It felt good to be around Renji-sama. Renji-sama who is so brave and kind. The one that has a longing look in his eye. The same one who panicked every time I stayed silent for too long or got exhausted. And when we reached a small pond grabbed my hand and ran off like there was something poisonous in it.

And, speaking of poison, "Kaede-chan, could you please move your arm a little?" Who would have guessed that I came in contact with poison ivy, a-ha-ha… (other than the fact the spirit world is hundreds of years behind, it isn't all to different from the real world is it?)

"Okay."

As she bandaged my arm she said, "You came here alone?"

I nodded. "Yes, Renji-sama has a lot paperwork but he felt really guilty when I told him."

"Normally, he would have just told someone to be more careful." She smiled, "But he really is nice to you, Kaede-chan."

"It's because we're friends." I said, smiling.

She looked at me sadly and sighed as she patted my arm telling me she was finished, "I guess that's what he sees in you."

I cocked my head. "What?"

She got up and walked away, "Nothing, nothing."

Renji-sama had fallen asleep already. I don't blame him, he's been working since daybreak. Then he sent he whole afternoon with me, then worked some more. He hasn't had any time to rest at all. Maybe Byakuya-kun was right, I am just causing trouble for everyone. I…don't mean to, I've been trying to help, but it always ends up in disappointment. If it wasn't for Renji-sama, I'd be somewhere in the middle of this giant maze of a place, dying.

I woke up in the middle of the night, holding Renji-sama's hand. For a while I just stared into the faint moonlight and listened to Renji-sama's breathing. If…this is the place where the people who have died go then…somewhere out there is Mother, Father and Onii-chan. And if I find them we'll be a family again. I stopped and shifted my eyes to Renji-sama in the darkness. I-I couldn't leave Renji-sama like that. Not like that.

My head felt cloudy and my face was burning. I put my hand on my forehead and shook my head. I'm just too warm. I looked down to my feet and then my cloths. I hadn't even changed before I feel asleep. In the darkness, I remembered that Ukitake's kiss. I touched my lips with my free hand. I haven't seen him in a while. Maybe he's avoiding me. Maybe he thinks I'm mad at him. I'm not angry at all, even if he did steal my first kiss. Ukitake-kun was so kind to me, without him I'd be starving somewhere, homeless and crying. Ukitake-kun is my savior. I can never be angry at him. Never.

I slowly slipped my hand out of Renji-sama's. I carefully slipped out of the sheet one sheet we shared, making sure not to wake Renji-sama. It's so warm in that room, I need a little air. I was wobbling as I walked out the front gates. One of the guards looked at me, "H-hey…Are you okay to go alone, Shirakawa?" he stepped forward a little, "Renji-fukutaichou would kill us if anything happened to you."

"I-I'm fine, really." He muttered something as I left. I used the wall as a support as I walked down the streets. I moved from street to street until I didn't know where I was anymore. It's getting harder and harder to walk. Maybe walking wasn't the smartest thing to do.

After a while I noticed I didn't know where I was. Since I was always with Renji-sama I never needed to know where I was. What should I do? Last time I wandered by myself I ended up being saved by Ikkaku-kun, but this time I might not be so lucky. I-I'll just go north and hope I don't bump into anyone like before. Sigh. I just hope things go my way this time. "Shouldn't you be resting?" The voice was hard, low and melancholy. It was a little hazy at first but as my eyes focused Byakuya-kun appeared.

I hadn't noticed it until now. The coldness of the sky and how silent it was tonight. Not a normal silence. This one was bitter and sad. And frightening. I can hear all the thing I regret, the things I hate, the things I lost. And it was strange that Byakuya-kun fit into it so well. "I…was walking."

"The moon is brilliant tonight." He simply said. He's like a broken door, it's cracked but you can never see what's really inside. Yes. That's what Byakuya-kun is.

I said, turning towards him, "It's the same moon that everyone sees. No matter where they are. It's amazing, isn't it?"

He eyed me. "Yes." He paused, "It's remarkable."

"I always wonder who else was staring at the moon at the same time I am." I instantly wished I hadn't said that. My face felt warmer than before. Now he must think I'm childish.

"That is…something to think about." He said after a awhile. I don't know why but I smiled a little.

I stopped smiling. "I-I should be getting back." He stood there and nodded. It's not like I wanted him to stop me…or did I? Thinking about all of this, my head started to spin a little. I wobbled then it was black.

I woke up in a strange room. All I could remember was Byakuya-kun and taking a few steps. I must have blacked-out. As I got out of the futon a folded wet rag came off my forehead. I held it in my hands for a moment, then stared out the window. The moon wasn't shining anymore. I looked around the room. All there was was a desk and a bed.

I walked over to the bed. It looked like no one had slept in it tonight. I walked over to the desk, and saw some sort of journal. I'm not into invading personal property but this is for investigative purposes. Remember: I'm the one that was kidnapped (I think…haha…). It seemed to be flipped to a page already. I gulped, hoping I wouldn't be caught. I glanced at it.

September 17th

Every time I gaze at her, I see a little girl who believes the world is a good place. I see a vivid light in her eyes that burns through her coyness. It feels as if she believes that everybody has good in them and the darkness is just a place that radiance has not yet gone. Yet, whenever I think of her, I feel as if I have betrayed Hisana whom gave me love innocent, trusting and unselfish. How many more lonely year must I meander by until I learn she will never come back? It may be all for nothing, she does not even seem to want to approach me, or better yet I cannot approach her.

I stopped reading and went back to the futon. Something in my heart started to ache. This person…it just like me. Unrequited love, in love…and not being able to say how you feel. I lied down and stared at the ceiling. I-I wish that I'd never read that. I hope that things go better for this person than things yet for me. At least one person deserves to be happy. While I was thinking, the door opened to reveal a woman. She walked to me and smiled.

"You were asleep for a while." She said, putting her hand on my forehead. She wasn't old but she wasn't young either. She was wearing a crepe kimono, she has brown hair tried in a bun and her voice was as clear as water. That's all I can really say about her.

I peeked at her. "Was I?"

She smiled again, "Yes. I think you worried Kuchiki-sama," she laughed, "What a sight!"

Kuchiki-sama…that means…"This is Byakuya-kun's room?!" I blurted.

She jumped a bit. "Y-Yes it is." She regained her posture and smiled, "I'm Etsui Seiko. Nice to meet you."

"Oh…um, I'm Shirakawa Kaede. Nice to meet you, too." I gazed at her, "Um, Seiko-san…"

"Yes?"

"I should be going now. Um, please tell Byakuya-kun thank you for me."

She looked at me and nodded. "If that's what you'd like."

Byakuya-kun lived in a big house outside of the Court of Pure Souls. Seiko-san insisted that I be walked back just in case I black out or suddenly get another fever. I refused. Now I wish I hadn't. I have no clue where I am. This place doesn't even look like the Rokungai Renji-sama showed me a while back. It was surrounded my a field with a single road leading downwards. I decided I should follow this path.

I wonder if Renji-sama noticed I was gone. It was well into noon (to my best knowledge, there are no clocks here…) so I think he should be awake. I wonder if he cares. I mean spending all your days with the same person must be a pain (not like I feel that way about Renji-sama or anything). I wonder if Byakuya-kun noticed I left. Then what Seiko-san said came into my head. 'I think you worried Kuchiki-sama' Byakuya-kun was worried…about me? He doesn't seem like he cares for much. I shook it off and walked on. I should focus on getting back, I thought nodding. But just which way is that?

After hours of endless search I decided to ask someone where I was and which way to the Court of Pure Souls. I assumed they'd think I was lost and not ask anything. I was glad I was back. The first thing I should do is see Renji-sama. Now I have to figure out how to get there. Sigh. I'm horrible with directions. "Kaede!!" I looked off in the distance.

"Ah! Renji-sama! Hello!" I smiled. I'm saved. Renji-sama is the best!

After he had reached me he instantly said, "Where were you?! You were gone for days!"

I blinked. 'You were asleep for a while' I-I thought she meant hours… "A-ah, sorry. I went out for a walk and fainted." I laughed awkwardly. No one would believe that.

He sighed and put his hands on my shoulders. "I guess…it's all right as long as your okay."

Renji-sama started to lead me back to the barrack. In the sunset, I could see him clearly enough. His eyes had dark bags underneath them and he was wobbling while he walked. He looked sleep deprived. Did…he stay up for me? When we got back to the sixth squad station. I told him he needed to sleep before he hurts himself. He just said he was fine and told me he was going to 'patrol' tonight.

I stared at him. "I know you do this often but...please be careful." I remembered how my lifeless body looked, "Please."

He patted my head and grinned, "I'll be back, I promise."

And that was it.

I was worried. It was so dark and Renji-sama still hasn't come back. I constantly looked out the window. Renji-sama…he shouldn't even be out there. I kept on thinking of all the things that could have happened to him. Then I saw his lifeless body. I felt like slapping myself. He…wouldn't die. He can't die…can he? I wanted to cry but I stopped myself. I have to be strong…for once.

"Renji will not die."

I jumped and looked back to see Byakuya-kun. "I know…but I can't help being worried." I looked downward, "He didn't look to well when he left."

"He waited for you." He said flatly.

"I-I know." I remembered back to Byakuya-kun's house, "Thank you for helping me before." He didn't do say anything. He just sat beside me and watched the rain fall. I thought about Byakuya-kun's journal. Is this person beside me the same lovesick man who wrote those words? I peeked at him then smiled. I hope you end up with the person you love Byakuya-kun. I really hope you do.

Why are you always thinking of him?

Of who?

Kuchiki Byakuya.

I think of him…always?

Yes.

I…love him?

That is for you to decide.

I do not.

If that is what you choose.

I glanced at Byakuya-kun but…I didn't see him. I saw someone else. Someone aching with love and sorrow. Someone calm and secluded. Deluded and disturbed. I think I even saw myself. The became rain became harder. Why is he here, waiting with me? I stared out the window again to see something red. Pure red. Re-Renji-sama…

The doctor told me he would be okay but I still couldn't leave him. I kept my head low and said to Byakuya-kun, "Um, you can go now if you want." He glanced at Renji-sama and headed out the door. I-I really didn't want him to leave. I stared at him as he left. It was quiet. I felt Renji-sama's hand on mine.

."Kaede…You're in love with Kuchiki-taichou." I stared at him. "But…it doesn't matter to me."

I looked at him. "I…"

He cut me off. "You're trying to say 'I'm not', right?" He put his head down, "Anyone could tell."

I stayed quiet. I don't know. Am I in love with Byakuya-kun? "I…"

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone but," He paused for a while, "I'll do everything I can to make you love me."

"Renji-sama…please don't joke." I said in a small voice.

"I'm completely serious. I will not let Kuchiki Byakuya have you."