I Don't Know

Chap 10

A/n: Vernon's in the pub all alone when a bomb is gonna go off!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!

xx

"You shouldn't have taken all that money!" I yell.

"I didn't want to take any of it!" he whispers.

"So why did you?"

"To shut him up!"

"Warren, there is something else..."

"What? Is the baby gone? What's wrong?"

"No, the baby's fine...It's me...Your hussie's best friend is going to kill me!"

"What do you mean?"

"I have a bleed!"

"Sorry?"

"I have a bleed to my brain..."

"So you could die?"

"I'm going to die! The strain of having this baby will kill me!"

"Get rid of it!"

"I've made my decision, Warren, I'm ready to die!"

"Dana, please, I love you!"

"I'm sorry Warren. I never loved you, yeah the sex was amazing, but I never felt anything towards you."

"Not even for one second?"

"I'm sorry Warren."

"You're lying!"

"I'm not!"

"You're going to die when you have my kid, then you turn round and tell me you don't love me! You have to be lying!"

"Warren, I love Logan, not you!"

"You've got to get back to class!"

He walks off and doesn't look back. I've upset him. I told myself I loved him once. I didn't actually love him, I liked him, I really liked him, but Andrea made me turn, thankfully, now I'm back with the love of my life, for the rest of my life. I'm not scared anymore. I'm nervous about what will happen to Tasha, Logan and my unborn baby, but I'm not scared. I've come to terms with dying. I just hope he can cope, and I hope he can move on.

Xx

Tasha is asleep. Turns out my teacher didn't report my 'outburst' as she called, so Dana Cruz gets away with it once more. I'm working on a list, you know, a list of things to do before I die. I haven't got anything impossible or massive. Just stuff like 'choose a unisex name for my baby' or 'make a video for my baby'. Stupid, sentimental things like that, things that mean nothing to anyone but Logan, Tasha and the baby. I really know what I'm doing, but I don't know what they'll do. I don't know how to tell Tasha or my friends I'm going to die. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I die. I don't know how to die. I might not die, like Logan says. I may just make it. I may live out the rest of my life on life support if I don't die. The nurse slipped this panflet in with my meds. It's called 'So you're going to die'. It tells you that you should make a list, as I have, make a will, as I'm working on, sorta, and to tell anyone it will matter to, I'm working on it. How can I tell everyone I'm going to die?

Xx

I'm lying here. It must be about 6am. I can't sleep so I'm working on my will. It's not something you want to be working on at eighteen is it? I've given everything to Tasha and the baby, Logan has to hold on to it until they are old enough. I can't do this.

Xx

I feel unusually happy, chirpy sort of. I go about acting like Nicole would. I suppose I could even put Nicole to shame. I can control it. It's as if I have all this excess energy I've been saving for years that won't need. Zoey keeps sending me freaked out looks, Nicole laughs, Lola frowns, Chase shakes his bushy hair, Michael rolls his eyes, Warren sends me worried looks, Julie is very guilty, Andrea is all over Warren as if to make me jealous and Tasha steers clear again, but Logan understands. I sit in homeroom, I can feel Warrens eyes burning a hole in the back of my neck, I can feel Logan squeezing my hand, I can feel Zoey's dirty looks, I can hear Nicole's piercing laugh, I can hear Andrea hushed sexual whispers to Warren, I can feel Julie's guilt, I can feel the breeze as Chase shakes his bushy hair, I can see Michael's eyes repeatedly go into the back of his head, I can sense Tasha's sadness, I can see Lola's frown and worst of all I know I will not have all these senses for much longer. I don't quite know why Lola is frowning. It could be that she likes Logan, that she's worried or that she is appalled at my behaviour. When the bell rings I skip out of class and down the hall. As I reach English my head is throbbing, but I don't have time for that. I sit in my seat lightly. Warren sits beside as we sat together before and we wont be able to change. I let my body language fail me as I sit as though I am enjoying it. I know what is happening to me, Warren knows what is happening to me and Logan knows what is happening to me, but everyone else is oblivious. They don't know why I'm acting like this. They don't know what I'm going through and if I tell Zoey she will flip.

Xx

Lunch. I've gone a whole day without acting like my normal self. I've been a bimbo who's cracked Nicole up, ticked Lola off, freaked Zoey out, confused Chase, worried Logan, wound up Michael, upset Warren, ignored Andrea, made Julie feel even more guilty and pushed Tasha even further away.

Nicole keeps laughing at my behaviour as I already told you. I seem to be making her laugh, which is very worrying as I used to fight with her all the time, but she was the one who tried to make Zoey my friend again.

Lola's ticked off coz she thinks I'm taking the mickey out of the stereotype 'bimbo'. I don't even know her that well. The year I came back from France I spent so much time with Logan I didn't have time to get to know Lola. When I got exiled I didn't need to get to know her anyway and now I'm going to die, why should I bother.

I've freaked Zoey out because I've been acting weirdly. She's my best friend, I would say always has been and always will, but she's the one that exiled me when I broke Logan's heart and I'm dying soon.

Chase is always confused at me.

Logan's worried because I'm acting different from my normal sarcastic self.

Michael's wound up. I pissed him off. He told me to calm down. I told him I didn't know what he meant. I know exactly what he meant. He's pissed off at me.

Warren's upset at me, as in English he asked me if I was lying about not loving him. I told him the truth. It was the sex that spurred me on.

Andrea ignores me. Like she always does. It doesn't surprise one bit.

Julie seems to feel even more guilty. I want to know if she knows I'm dying. I need to know if he let it slip. I had to tell him everything.

Tasha, my angel is avoiding me. She was up and dressed before I even had the chance to touch the floor. She even got Zoey to take her to the art department. She knows something is up, but as most four year olds don't, doesn't quite know what. The last thing I want is my lil' girl never to speak to me again.

Xx

Night again. As I watch Tasha sleep I feel tense. Usually it's relaxing for me, but tomorrow I'm telling them all what's happening with me. I'm going to cry, Logan will cry, Tasha will cry, Nicole will cry and Zoey will cry, Chase and Michael will be very sad, I think.

Xx

Today's the day. I am in incredibly nervous. I'm not bubbly and chirpy, I'm depressed. I can't be bothered getting up, but I do. Tasha also seems down in the dumps. I go over to her bed.

"Tasha..." I trail.

"Mommy, you're not well because of the baby, are you?" she whispers as she moves closer to me.

"I suppose you could say that." I mutter, "I'll tell you later."

"Can I speak to Daddy today?"

Oh my god, Pierre. I hadn't even considered him. He'll want Tasha when I die, won't he?

"Um...we'll see..."

"Thanks, Mommy!"

xx

I've finished with classes today. I can feel tears stinging my eyes as I sit down with them all Tasha sits on my knee. Logan holds my hand. I told him what I was going to do and he supports my decision. Zoey and Nicole look at me worriedly.

"I have-have something to tell you," I gulp, "I have a b-b-bleed to my brain."

"What do you mean, Dana?" Zoey's eyebrows furrow.

"When I f-f-f-fell and f-f-f-fractured my skull," I stutter, "I developed a bleed."

"Those can be fixed, right?" Lola inquires.

Logan shakes his head.

"What does that mean?" Zoey snaps unintentionally.

"It means I'm going to d-d-d-die." I whisper.

"Why?"

"How?

"What?"

They shoot questions at me. I let the tears flow that I have been holding in all day.

"Warren's baby..." Logan mumbles.

He too has tears flooding his face.

"They can't operate whilst I'm p-p-p-pregnant!" I almost yell.

"And getting rid of it is out of the question." Logan looks at his feet, "There is a chance that she could live."

"No Logan, there isn't! I'm getting weaker and this is only the start of it!" I shout.

"I have faith!" Logan breathes.

Zoey's crying now, Nicole is bawling and Tasha is looking up at me really shocked.

Xx

A/n: That chap really shocks me!!!!!! What do you think????? Look out for the sequel 'Death is upon me' and the sequel to that will be named shortly!!!!!