Day One

Xemnas snuggled deeper under his covers and wiggled his toes, stretching his legs. It was a bit earlier than usual for him to be getting up, so he tapped the snooze button on his alarm and lay there, enjoying the blissful peace and quiet of the morning. His tranquility was only temporary, however. He heard distant shouting and the cacophonous slamming of a door. Xemnas groaned and rolled over. Now what? He sat up and slid his feet into his yellow velvet slippers and padded over to the bathroom to wash his face. The yelling was getting closer and louder. Most likely, he thought, whoever was fighting was going to try to settle it with the Superior, which happened to be Xemnas himself. As always. He sighed drearily and rubbed his sleepy eyes. When he opened them again, he caught sight of the calendar on the wall to his left and gasped.

A big, messy circle was frantically drawn around one of the days.

A big red one.

TODAY.

Uh-oh.

Houston, we have a problem. They were NOT prepared to handle this.

Fuck. He could hear a woman's voice screaming down the hallway, it was about to stop at his room. Xemnas ran over as fast as his tan, tan, legs could carry him and bolted the door. How could he have forgotten about this? It's not like it wasn't unpredictable. He leaned against the door, breathing heavily. He was safe, he told himself. Think happy thoughts…

But alas, how could he? This week, Larxene was on…the rag.

"Lemme in! Lemme in!" yelled a frightened Roxas on the other side of the door. "She's gonna…"

In a flash of lightning, the door disintegrated. Roxas took this opportunity to hide behind Xemnas from the monstrosity Square-Enix chose to call Larxene. And, lo and behold, there she stood, in all her red-faced, bloated, and uncharacteristically disheveled glory.

"That's right, Roxas. Be afraid. Be very afraid," she sneered. "AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" She spit on the ground and stalked down the hall. "Bastards, the whole lot of you…"

Roxas sniffled. Xemnas hugged him and rubbed his back in a very hetero, fatherly kind of way. "I know, I know. Just keep your distance from her for awhile."

Roxas looked up suddenly, his face tearstained. "But I can't. My room is right next to hers!"

"Oh. Well. Whatever did you do?"

Roxas burst into tears. "I was just walking down the hall to my room! Her door was open and I popped my head in to say hello, like always and…and…sniffle…"

Xemnas sighed. "It's okay, Roxas. You're a n00b. You'll get used to this, I promise."

"This happens regularly?!"

And thus, Xemnas explained the inner workings of the female uterus to a rather unprepared Roxas.

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Day Two

Larxene stormed into the kitchen. She pilfered the freezer, raided the fridge, and practically raped the pantry.

"Whatcha doin', Larx?" asked Axel casually. He had been sitting on the counter this whole time, watching her intently and munching on a bag of Cheetos. She looked up, aggravated, and snatched the bag from his hand. "MINE." She shoved a handful in her mouth.

Axel, though surprised, relinquished control of his snack and shrugged. "Have it your way, porky."

Larxene growled a growl that shook the very Depths-That-Never-Were and immediately assassinated Axel right there on the spot. Then she broke down sobbing. Am I really so fat? I am. I hate myself! I want some chocolate. Chocolate is good. She dried her tears and got up, only to run smack into Xigbar.

Xigbar looked around the room, sizing up the situation. He nudged Axel's body with his black leather boot. "What happened here?" asked carefully, as he swallowed a bit more of the cookie he snuck before dinner.

Larxene said nothing, but gazed with envy and longing at the cookie in Xigbar's hand. She answered him with her own question. "Where did you get that cookie?"

Xigbar put the last of it in his mouth and swallowed before replying, "It was from a bag of Chips Ahoy. But it was the last one. Sorry."

Uh-oh.

"The last one? The last one?!?" Larxene screeched, summoning her lightning powers. Xigbar's eye widened tremendously.

Soon after that quick, painless little exchange between the fellow Organization members, Xigbar's body was thrown on top of Axel's.

"I'm the Savage fucking Nymph!" she shrieked. "Don't I get ANY respect around here?!?" Larxene then stalked back to her room, but not before grabbing all the painkillers in the first aid kit.

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Day Three

Saix was chillaxing in the lounge with a novel and a mixed drink with a little umbrella when Demyx blundered into the room, gasping for breath.

"What now?" sighed Saix.

Demyx threw himself on the couch and buried his face into the pillows. "It was terrible!"

"What?" Saix asked apathetically, flipping the page.

Demyx scooted closer to Saix and moaned. "Oh, the horror!"

"What?" asked Saix, a little more annoyed this time.

"The bathroom," was all Demyx had to say.

Saix sat up straight and gripped the chair of the couch so tight that his knuckles turned white. "No."

"Yes."

"Not the bathroom."

"And she left the toilet seat down, to boot."

Saix shuddered.

"And guess who's on trash duty this month…? Hmmm? No, Saix, don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about."

Saix groaned and smacked himself in the forehead. "Well, IX, let's get going then. You're helping me take out that trash, whether you like it or not."

Some time later…

Saix and Demyx, armed with rubber gloves, face masks, and hazard suits, approached the Organization's bathroom and peeked in.

Demyx gave Saix a little push. "Hey, I'm going, I'm going," growled Saix. He and Demyx cautiously tiptoed onto the white linoleum and peered over the edge of the wastebasket at Larxene's trash. The icky kind.

Ew.

Demyx's eyes rolled back in his head and he promptly fainted onto the floor. Great, thought Saix. What a big help. Now how do I do this without going near it? After several unsuccessful attempts to take out the trash bag with his nonexistent telekinetic powers, he sucked it up and picked it up with his gloved hands. And immediately freaked out. And dropped it. Saix ran from the bag like it was a ticking bomb and dragged Demyx out of the bathroom and down the hall.

"Help! Help" Saix cried desperately. They would have run into Zexion around the corner had he not sidestepped them. Saix grabbed his friend. "Please—Zex—Zexion—stay away—bathroom—Larxene…" Saix wiped the sweat off his brow, panting, and took a good look at the man standing before him. Zexion had not been getting much sleep lately, and it showed on his face. His eyes darted around and his face was pale.

Zexion leaned forward to whisper in Saix's ear. "I can smell it on you. I smell it everywhere. Everywhere…"

"The smell of wha--"

"Of her. Of the hormones. Of all that is evil and bitchy and moody!" he laughed maniacally. Then he started weeping. "Oh, Saix, make it stop, make it stop…" he collapsed, sobbing from the depths of his…well, not his heart, that's for sure. All of a sudden, his nose twitched and he looked up at Saix with fear in his eyes. "She's coming…"

Forgetting the unconscious Demyx and ignoring the screeching pleas of help from the mentally-scarred Zexion, Saix ran.

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Day Four

The remaining male Organization members gathered in the main meeting room. Roxas was pale and shaky. Xaldin was sobbing, and Vexen was patting his back and whispering reassuring words in his ear. Saix was filling out a chart on the board that kept track of the Organization:

I Present
II KO
III Present
IV Present
V Present
VI MIA
VII Present
VIII KO
IX MIA
X Present
XI Present
XII ENEMY
XIII Present

The others watched each other grimly, afraid to break the silence. Finally, Xemnas stood up and walked to the front of the room.

"As you all know, this is a Code Red emergency, and we have suffered greatly. We were unprepared for this onslaught of attacks against us males and, at this point in time, we can do nothing but sit it out and wait. Together. We have safety in numbers right now."

As soon as Xemnas sat down, the room erupted with outcries. "We won't take this!" "We can fight it together!" "Let's teach that bitch a lesson!" "Where's the Cheetos?" That last one was Roxas.

"I'm sorry," said Xemnas gravely, "but Larxene has eaten all the food in the castle."

Roxas sniffled. "But why?"

Xemnas shook his head and wiped away a tear of his own. "I don't know, Roxas. I just don't know."

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Day Five

Roxas woke up the next morning with a jolt. He sat up quickly and glanced around the room spastically. What time was it? All the members were still sleeping, some on the floor, some curled up uncomfortably in their chairs. Someone was even stretched out on the table. Vexen was twitching from the recent trauma, and Saix's breathing was labored from lack of water and food. As quietly as possible, Roxas rolled over and stood up. He padded softly across the room, headed toward the door. Almost there…

Saix sat up suddenly, hearing the bolts unlock. He turned to see Roxas undoing the last bolt on the door and cried out, "NOOOOO!"

The other members jumped awake at this and looked at Roxas fearfully. "Don't do it, Roxas!" Luxord cried. "You're too young!"

Xemnas joined in. "Roxas, I ordered everyone to stay in this room till it was safe to go out."

Roxas smiled sadly and shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I have to. It's five minutes till eight. I don't have a choice."

Vexen fell onto his knees in anguish. "For God's sake, boy, it's not worth it! You can see reruns of Saturday morning cartoons later this week. Reruns!"

Roxas turned to him angrily. "I have never missed an episode of Kenny the Shark, Vexen. You know that. And I'm not going to let a stupid thing like Larxene stand in my way."

Xemnas sighed, defeated. Roxas was right. "Very well, Roxas. I have one favor to ask of you, though."

"…Yes?"

"If…if you can make it, if you get there safe, will you…tape it for us?"

Roxas smiled compassionately. "Of course I will. You don't have to ask."

After handshakes and well-wishes all around, Roxas triumphantly opened the door and walked out.

Saix slammed the door behind him and hurriedly locked and bolted the door once more. "He's toast, guys." The others nodded fearfully.

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Roxas snuck through the halls, flat against the wall and humming the Mission: Impossible theme to himself. He peeked around corners, somersaulted at intersections, and listened for any sign of Larxene. Finally approaching the living room, he flung open the door to find…

Nothing.

"Perfect!" he murmured to himself. He happily turned on the television, changed the channel to NBC, and situated himself on the comfy sofa. Remembering suddenly, he got up and began rummaging through the shelves next to the television in order to find a blank tape to record the new episode for the rest of the members. Unseen by him, a shadow approached him ever so slowly…

"Hey Roxas!" greeted Larxene.

Roxas screeched and flung himself as far away from her as he could. "Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, I'll do anything, anything!" he sobbed.

Larxene looked at the quivering mass in front of her and scratched her head. "Um, okay, I just wanted to know if you had seen any of the other members."

"What? So you could kill them too, just like you did Axel and Xigbar?!" Roxas screamed, shaking uncontrollably. "I won't let you do it! I won't!"

Larxene looked at him like he was crazy. "Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but I just made some pancakes for everyone and nobody's around."

Roxas was dumbfounded. "What?"

Larxene frowned at him. "Never mind. I'll just leave." She walked out of the room, muttering, "I try to do something nice, and no one appreciates it. Typical. I hate men…"

Forgetting about Kenny the Shark, Roxas got up and ran back the meeting room that held the remainder of the Organization. "Xemnas! Xemnas! It's me!" he pounded on the door.

Xemnas grabbed him and pulled him in, slamming the door behind him. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Roxas told them everything that had just happened. "…and then, she said she had made pancakes for everyone! But I don't understand, Xemnas. Does she not remember the bitch she turned into? Why is she normal once more all of a sudden?"

"It has passed, not to return for another twenty-eight days." Xemnas shook his head slowly. "It is something I do not understand. Something no one in this room could begin to comprehend. It is the way of the female."

Roxas scrunched his cute nose in thought. "It's the way of the female to eat ten times her body weight every month and then cry about it?"

Xemnas cocked his head. "Well, when you put it that way, it does sound a bit irrational, now, doesn't it?" The rest of the Organization chuckled good-naturedly. Indeed it did. Then they all went to eat some pancakes.

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Larxene stood over the bodies, cackling maniacally. Ha! Poisoned pancakes. They hadn't seen it coming. Suckers. They deserved it, the insensitive son-of bitches. Then she went back to her room with a heating pad and a box of chocolates to watch Gilmore Girls.