Disclaimer: Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm and all associated with it are not mine; same as Polo Ralph Lauren, of which I have never been to, so I apologize for anything inconsistent.

Summary: Shopping with the two most reluctant shoppers in the world can't be easy. So pity poor Johnny and Kitana. One-shot prequel to Happy Birthday, Get Well Soon, but can be read alone; may undergo revisions on a later date.

"I'm not wearing a dress, Kitana."

The Princess and heir to the throne of Edenia bit back a sigh (it was not lady-like to sigh in a public place) and subtly nudged the fine green fabric stitched into the shape of a sleeved-dress at the obstinate Lieutenant. "Sonya, you need a dress. It's a very important occasion."

"It's Stryker's birthday," Sonya retorted. "It's merely a day where we can kindly blame his parents for conceiving him nine months previously."

"He was born a month late," their third party member intoned, eyeing everything around him inside the Polo Ralph Lauren store located on Rodeo Drive with ill-hidden disconcertment. Sub-Zero, current Grandmaster of the reformed Lin Kuei clan, noticed the women's stares of bafflement, and explained succinctly, "Stryker talks a lot. Particularly when we're in a high-speed jet with nothing to distract us."

Sonya focused her gaze on Sub-Zero for a moment longer before shrugging it aside and addressing Kitana. "Either way, Stryker's birthday is nowhere near important enough to consent to wearing a," she wrinkled her nose at the hated attire, "dress. The better choice is over in that section," Sonya hiked her thumb over her shoulder.

Kitana didn't spare the neglected section a glance. "Those are dress pants, Sonya."

"Exactly."

Taking a slow, deep breath, Kitana replaced the well-made dress back on the rack and began sifting through the other dresses, telling her, "You won't be going in pants, Sonya."

"And why not, Kitana?" Sonya snapped back.

"Because I won't let you."

"You and what army?"

Wondering when exactly his comrades had become something reminiscent of six year olds arguing over a sweet, Sub-Zero began to tune out their bickering when he heard someone approach. Turning, he hid a grimace as Johnny Cage came up to them.

"Hey, Kitana, Sub-Zero, Sonya," Johnny winked at the latter, who gave him a scowl. The actor quickly switched tactics, turning to Sub-Zero. "Alright, you're here. Let's go." He grabbed Sub-Zero's arm and started to walk away, only to stop when Sub-Zero (and by extension his own arm) refused to budge. "Uh, c'mon Sub, we gotta go get you your outfit for tonight."

Sub-Zero narrowed his brows. "I'm only here to help with whatever bags Kitana and Sonya have. And to buy Stryker a present, when I have time."

"Uh, right," Johnny darted his eyes toward the Princess before landing back on the Grandmaster. "But first, why don't we wander over to the men's section of the store and find something a little less…reclusive-Grandmaster-ice-man-extraordinaire-chic, huh?"

"But," Sub-Zero tried to argue.

"Go, Sub-Zero, we'll find you later when we need you," Kitana gave the man a subtle (but dislodging) push. Off-balanced and propelled forward, Johnny's tugs managed to drag Sub-Zero away to lands unknown, leaving Sonya to fend off the Princess alone.

Which, she could do. She was a Lieutenant in the Special Forces. She had helped kick the asses belonging to a sorcerer, emperor, and god. She protected her coffee maker and basket of apples from a very tall and slightly intimidating Thunder God on a daily basis successfully (well, sixty-two percent successfully, but none of the others needed to know that). She could surely handle the Princess.

"You lied to Sub-Zero just to lead him into an ambush created by you and Johnny?" Sonya clucked her tongue at the woman. "For shame, Kitana."

"Princesses don't lie, we give diplomatic non-answers," Kitana pushed another dress at her, this time a crimson-red strapless dress with lots of layers and a rather long slit in one side (Sonya knew the parts of the dress had special names, but had never taken the time or had the desire to learn the damn terms—a dress was a dress was a dress, right?). "This one would look excellent on you."

"Oh, but I think the mannequin would be really upset if we wore the same thing," Sonya replied back sardonically, motioning to the oversized plastic Barbie doll wearing the same dress.

The glare she received for that comment nearly made Sonya retreat a few steps. However, Kitana simply put the dress away and began searching the store's supply once more.

Twenty minutes and innumerable dresses later (of which there was a blue satin gown with a corset, a pink dress that conformed a little too well to her body, and a little black dress that Sonya was more inclined to say was lingerie than something presentable to the public) Kitana was no closer to finding something they both deemed appropriate for tonight's party and Sonya was thinking longingly of boot camp from her days as a recruit.

Suddenly, in a flurry of movement bypassing several dresses, Kitana picked up two hangers: one had a tank top light blue in color, and the other had an ankle-length, navy dress-skirt thing that Sonya was certain had not originally gone with the tank in the first place.

"For the last time, Kitana," Sonya sighed heavily; Kitana may not sigh in public, but she had no issue with it, "I'm not wearing a dress."

"But it's not a dress," Kitana rebutted, thrusting the garments at Sonya. Startled, Sonya took them in hand, staring between the two pieces. "It's a skirt. Skirts are different than dresses."

Sonya paused. "But, they both don't wrap around each leg individually—"

"But it's not a dress," Kitana reiterated firmly.

Gazing at the immovable Princess, Sonya took another look at the skirt with distaste. She didn't like dresses. But, Kitana was right, this wasn't a dress.

Reluctantly she arrayed the outfit against her body and stood in front of a mirror, eyeing the result. Both fit, a testament to how long they had been shopping for an outfit and Kitana's well-trained eye. The outfit also appealed to her tastes, even though Sonya felt it would have looked better if the skirt was a pair of jeans.

Pursing her lips, she twitched the hem of the skirt with her foot. At least it covered her entire leg, unlike that damn red dress Kitana had showed her before. Besides, she ought to give the poor Princess a break—but not enough of one to make Kitana think she could trick Sonya into a dress for the next occasion.

And really, if Sonya looked at it reasonably, it was only a skirt, and not a dress.

"Alright," Sonya shrugged. She yelped when Kitana snatched the two hangers out of her hands, grabbed her arm, and hauled her to the cash register before she had a chance to say anything more. Rolling her eyes at Kitana's reaction, Sonya paid for the outfit.

"Glad that's done with," Sonya muttered, standing on her toes as she searched the store. "I wonder where Johnny and Sub went?"

"Follow the unnecessarily loud and attention-grabbing voice," Kitana advised sagely, heading in the direction of "Men's Casual," where they could hear Johnny's voice clearly over the hum of the store's music and occasional intercom interruption. Nodding in acquiescence, Sonya trailed after her.

Coming upon the two men, Sonya and Kitana stopped and stared bewilderedly. Somehow, in some miraculous way, Johnny had actually managed to convince Sub-Zero to relinquish his chosen attire and try on the clothes he now wore, which was a red satin shirt and dark purple slack pants. The Grandmaster bore through Johnny's critiquing and soliloquizing with his trademark silence, though there was a faint, blue mist around one hand.

"Wow," Sonya remarked, interrupting Johnny and attracting Sub-Zero's attention; the mist vanished, as she'd hoped. "You look great, Sub."

"Explain to me again why people do this for fun and as a career," Sub-Zero replied darkly. "The first one in explicit detail."

Kitana stepped forward and examined the outfit, twitching a sleeve to make the shirt sit properly. "Marvelous work, Johnny."

"Thank you," Johnny gave her a short bow. He turned to Sonya, tilting his head to the side. "What, don't Sub and I get to see your wonderful dress?"

Glaring, Sonya growled, "I'm not wearing a dress, thank you. And you'll see what it is at the party."

Johnny's face fell. "So…you're wearing dress pants?"

"No," Kitana put in resolutely.

The fallen expression twisted into one of confusion. "Then…what are you wearing? Lingerie? Because then I really don't think you needed to buy Stryker the lamp."

Sonya gave him a dirty look. "If you keep that up, then you'll be right, I won't need to have bought him the lamp. Your death certificate will be perfect as a present."

"Can I get out of this now, since we've paid for it?" Sub-Zero interrupted. Were he a man of lesser dignity, Sonya would have described his tone as plaintive.

"You should probably keep it on," Johnny advised. "You stand out less in that than in this," Johnny lifted the store bag that contained Sub-Zero's neatly-folded (and dearly missed, Sonya assumed) Lin Kuei uniform.

Sub-Zero looked as though he had every intention of arguing, but instead he sighed and gave up the goat. He gave Sonya a sidelong look and muttered under his breath, "Is this all really necessary?"

"It's for Stryker," Sonya cited Jax and Liu's reasoning that had led her into Kitana's merciless grip in the first place. She groaned and shook her head. "I can already tell something's going to go wrong tonight."

"Aw, come on, Sonya," Johnny grinned, throwing an arm around her shoulder as they made their way out of the store. "It's not Friday the Thirteenth. It's Stryker's birthday. What bad could possibly happen?"

They exited the store, waiting for their eyes to adjust to the light of midday L.A. in summer. Sub-Zero glanced up and down the street, wondering aloud, "Think there's anything here that would appeal to Stryker's tastes?"

"Somehow I don't think Stryker even knows half these stores exist, much less agree with what they sell," Sonya remarked dryly. She then noticed Johnny looking at Sub-Zero oddly, and jabbed him lightly in the ribs. "What's up, Johnny?"

The actor tilted his head slightly, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. "There's just something…missing, in Sub's outfit." Johnny's eyes lit up as he held a finger aloft. "I got it! Here, c'mon, let's go back inside. You need a tie to go with that outfit, and maybe a pair of shoes and a belt with some diamonds and a ring or two—"

A fleeting look of surprise mixed with horror passed across Sub-Zero's face before he planted three fingers against the nape of Johnny's neck and pressed hard. The pressure against the base of his spine encouraged Johnny to move forward, lest he suffer more discomfort. The Grandmaster growled for Johnny to move to their parked car over the actor's yelping, and directed him forcibly while avoiding Johnny's flailing limbs.

Sonya and Kitana watched after them, surprised at the Grandmaster's actions. Sonya turned her head slightly to look at Kitana. "Who knew Sub would actually deign to threaten someone with physical harm instead of just using his chi to freeze the poor bastard's ass."

"Who knew indeed," Kitana agreed. "We should go and make sure Johnny's okay."

"Do we have to?" Sonya mock-whined, twisting the bag in her hand idly.

They followed in the men's wake, ignoring the pole-axed pedestrians murmuring on the sidewalks and snapping pictures of the spectacle.