Chapter 14: The Girls Discuss 'Cristina's Uterus'
Author's Notes: Hey all, for everyone who is (still) reading this I congratulate you and offer another chapter, in which women bitch and moan about being women. Because sometimes, uteruses suck. Who needs canon when you can have ludicrous but amusing nonsense?
"I was never meant to be born a woman," Cristina declares from inside the bathroom stall.
"You got two X chromosomes," Addison lifts an eyebrow, "I assure you, it would be a genetic abnormality if you were born otherwise."
"No," Cristina is adamant, "I was never meant to be a woman and so I forget sometimes, which hurts my uterus' feelings. And when my uterus gets pissed off? It chooses to remind me it exists at the most inconvenient of times."
Izzie and Meredith exchange glances and try not to laugh. Much.
"Paper towels," Cristina orders.
Izzie fills the hand that has snaked around the cubicle door with the requested items.
"I mean seriously guys," Cristina continues her monologue, "This is a big problem."
"What?" Addison is still looking unamused, "Regular menstruation? If you'd like your surgical options, I could remove it for you but despite your apparent lack of maternal instinct there may come a time in the future when you decide you want little Cristinas to go out and further you plans for world domination."
"Regular?" Cristina rolls her eyes, "You call this regular? This is like… a haemorrhage. I swear, there is something wrong if this is the volume and consistency of my endometrium."
"Well you went to med school," Addison points out, "Or did you skip your OB/GYN rotation to study?"
Cristina is silent for a few moments, "You know, I think I was sick that semester."
Meredith and Izzie continue to choke on their own hands, which are shoved as far as possible into their mouths.
"How often does this happen?" Addison's interest is piqued.
"Every two weeks," Meredith shrugs.
"Yeah," Cristina echoes, "About every two weeks."
"But it's only because she forgets to take her pill," Izzie mutters.
"But it's only because I," Cristina pauses, "Well sometimes I forget to take my birth control."
"You do use an alternate method," Addison pauses, "Of contraception I mean. I mean you do right?"
There is an ominous silence.
"That would explain the ectopic pregnancy," Addison muses quietly, then adds, "And the irregular bleeding. Jesus, it's not hard. They even write the days of the week next to the little pills."
"Well it's just that I never bother to take the lactose tablets," Cristina explains, "And so sometimes I start it a little late. And then I get busy and I just… forget."
"Just like you forget to use condoms?" Addison's unamused but elegantly quirked eyebrow is back.
"He doesn't like them," is Cristina's brilliant excuse, "I don't like them."
"More or less than you don't like babies?" Addison counters.
Meredith and Izzie finally giggle out loud.
"Ok," Callie Torres opens the stall door behind Cristina and moves to the sinks, "Can I take part or is this conversation private?"
"Do you have a mensuration problem you'd like to share?" Addison poses the question only slightly sarcastically.
"No," Callie reaches for a paper towel, "But now I know her cycle I'll be sure to mark it on my calendar under 'too much information'. The frequently occurring periods and misuse of hormone pills would explain the moodiness though."
Addison looks as though this idea has merit and spends several seconds in quiet contemplation.
"Seriously?" Izzie raises an eyebrow as Callie leaves, "Seriously? The girl has no problem walking around the house naked but she can't discuss mensuration?"
"Scrubs," Cristina hollers, holding out a hand.
Meredith supplies her friend with the required garment.
"I don't see why you're complaining that you forget your uterus exists," Izzie pipes up, "I mean, at least you don't know. Believe me, I know. It's like getting food-poisoning once a month."
"I can't sleep for a week before and the slightest thing can put me in the worst of moods," Addison informs them, "Which means I get tired and pissed off about nothing, so naturally, that means I'm tired and pissed off about everything."
Meredith just shrugs, "I'm always regular. I felt a little nauseous once."
"How do you remember?" Cristina asks, incredulous, still locked in the bathroom.
"I set a reminder on my cell," Meredith responds.
Izzie and Addison collectively roll their eyes.
Meredith shrugs, "Hey, it works. At least I'm not locked in a bathroom for an emergency change of clothes."
"Thank you for your concern," Cristina finally announces to the group, emerging fully-clothed in fresh scrubs and washing her hands, "But we're good to go now."
"You still have one fully functional fallopian tube," Addison points out.
"Try saying that ten times fast," Izzie challenges.
Meredith and Izzie subsequently amuse themselves by attempting said challenge and ending up horribly tongue-tied.
"Don't worry," Cristina sighs, "It's not like I'm getting any anyway."
"Tell me about it," Izzie huffs.
"Hey, I'm not in mourning," Cristina says, as though this makes her case of abstinence more severe than the blonde's.
"And my brain still produces hormones," Izzie counters.
"Oh and I was going to offer you horny goat weed and everything," Cristina mocks her.
They continue bickering, much to the amusement of Meredith and Addison, who exchange glances and notably remain silent. This goes unnoticed by other two women for some time. Finally Izzie realises, and shoots a pointedly glance at Cristina, who catches on and throws a murderous glare over her shoulder.
"Stop smirking you two," she snaps, "You have to be nice to me because my uterus hates me."
"Your uterus hates you?" Addison rolls her eyes.
"And you think I'm best friends with mine?" Meredith exclaims.
"My uterus also hates it when you walk around with you 'I'm getting laid' smirks on," Cristina starts to list their offences, "Oh, and it hates it when you argue with me."
"The personification of her uterus is alarming," Meredith whispers, "Do you think we can send her to psyche?"
"The uterus heard that Meredith," Cristina tells her in a sing-song voice, "And it is angry."