Girl Talk
Author's Notes: I know, I should be working on something serious, or studying or something. But I've always wanted to do a series with just the girls, so here it is. Very tongue-in-cheek of course, but amusing nonetheless.
Chapter One: The Girls Talk 'Girl Issues' "Oh great," Cristina yells loudly, from the bathroom, and Meredith and Izzie poke their heads around the doorway, curious.
"What?" the dirty blonde questions, leaning in for the answer.
"I am menstruating," Cristina announces.
"Great," Meredith replies.
"Thanks for, you know, letting us know," Izzie adds.
A head of curly black hair peaks out from a slit between the bathroom wall and the stall door, "Guys, this is seriously a problem."
"Ok," Meredith answers, confused, "Why is this a problem? You're not pregnant. Isn't this a good thing?"
Cristina shakes her head.
"I'm bleeding, profusely, and I havenotampons."
"What?" the other women exclaim incredulously, "Seriously?"
"Seriously," Cristina whines, "I just… do you guys have anything?"
Meredith shakes her head. Izzie just shrugs, "Sorry, I finished last week."
"Oh," Cristina rolls her eyes, "This is exactly what I need right now. Guys, I can't leave this bathroom until you find me some female sanitary products."
"How the hell are we going to do that?" Izzie protests, "Why the hell can't you do that?"
Cristina closes and locks the stall, "And when you do find them, make sure they're for heavy flow," she says emphatically, "And uh, could you find me a spare pair of scrubs too?"
Izzie opens her mouth to whinge, but Meredith silences her, "C'mon Izzie, it's a man's world. We girls, we've got to stick together."
"McDreamy being an ass again?" Cristina and Izzie ask in unison.
"Shut up," Meredith snaps, "We have to find tampons."
Izzie nods, "Ok, we have to find tampons."
"That's right," Cristina yells, as they disappear from the locker room, "You have to find tampons."
In the corridor, Izzie turns to Meredith, "Right well, this is a hospital. It can't be too hard to you know, find something."
Meredith nods her agreement, "Yeah of course."
"You know where we should look?" Izzie questions rhetorically, "The public bathrooms. You know how at airports, they have the little dispenser machine things?"
"I thought they only had condoms," Meredith grins, and sets off in the direction of the elevator.
"You would think that," Izzie sniggers.
Minutes later, they're standing in front of the machine, cursing loudly and thumping it on occasion.
"It ate my money."
"It bit my hand."
"Do you have any more change?"
"Nope, that was the last of it. You?"
Izzie shakes her head.
"Ok shit, well, let's just go ask for change," Meredith suggests.
"We're doctors. We can't just ask random people for change. How dodgy will that look?"
"We'll just tell the truth."
"What, that we need money for tampons?"
"You're right… let's just ask the first person we see who we know. We're doctors, we work here, surely we'll encounter other doctors that work here at some point."
"So, if you see McDreamy, you're just gonna be like, 'Hi Derek, so do you have any change on you? I need money for tampons?'"
"No, I'm going to hide in the bathrooms, and you can ask him."
Izzie voices her objection, "I'm not asking him."
"Well who would you ask?" Meredith glares.
At the same time, George approaches them from the nurse's station, chart in hand, looking entirely unsuspecting.
"George!" they both say in unison, "Good to see you."
"Uh, hi guys," he greets them, looking confused, "And er, good to see you too?"
"We need change," Izzie smiles sweetly, "Quarters… "
"What for?" he questions, innocently, digging in his pockets.
They exchange a glance, "Tampons."
"Oh, I … err, here," he blushes, pressing a pile of coins into Izzie's outstretched palm, "I um, hope that's enough?"
"Thanks George," they both smile brightly and disappear into the bathroom before he has a chance to say anything else.
"You're welcome," he mutters to the swinging door.
Several curses later, Meredith and Izzie abandon the machine and decide to report back to Cristina, who is a) slightly claustrophobic and b) slightly pissed that she's missing surgeries.
"I mean, I should have just been born a man," she scowls, when they tell her they can't find anything, "Why do women have to put up with this anyway? Why can't we be like cats? They don't ovulate until penetration has occurred. It's just not biologically efficient."
Alex pokes his head around the doorway, beside Izzie and Meredith, "Way, way too much information Yang. Like, just, way too much."
"Shut up evil spawn," Cristina snaps.
"Go away Alex," Izzie echoes.
"You're a man," Meredith explains, "You just don't understand."
"Guys, you have to do something," Cristina wails, "I mean, it's a hospital . Can't you just ask someone else? Like Olivia or someone? Or Bailey? Or any other female member of staff?"
Meredith and Izzie gulp, "Of course."
"Olivia's not working today," Izzie complains, as they exit the locker room for the second time.
"And Bailey's in surgery."
"That only leaves…"
Slowly they both turn to see Addison, perched on the edge of gurney, chewing on a pen and making notes on a chart.
"Oh no," Meredith shakes her head, "Nope. No way. I can't… I am not asking her, Izzie we can't."
But Izzie is already dragging her down the hall.
"Meredith, she's a gynaecologist ," Izzie says slowly, as if talking to a small child, "She gets stuff like this all the time."
"But Izzie," Meredith hisses, "She's McWife."
Izzie nods, "I know, I know she's McWife, but she's…"
They both turn to stare when she coughs, and fixes them with a Look, "Um hello, I can hear you?"
"Dr Shepard," Izzie beams broadly, stepping closer with her hands behind her back, rocking back and forward in her shoes.
"Dr Shepard," Meredith parrots lamely.
"Dr Stevens, Dr Grey," she nods back, "Can I um, help you with something?"
"Well, see…" Izzie begins, glaring at Meredith, making a gesture that implies she should continue.
"Oh no way," Meredith objects, "This was your idea."
Addison blinks, "Stevens?"
"Weneedtampons," the blonde mutters quickly, and tries to ignore Meredith's mortified look.
"Um, excuse me?" is the response of the foremost neonatal care specialist in the country.
"What Izzie means is that, um, we have a situation," Meredith explains, wringing her hands together, "And we, uh, need…" she lowers her voice to a whisper, "Tampons."
"You need tampons ?" the redhead inquires, confounded.
"Um, yes?" they both reply in unison.
"Ok then," Addison stands, tucks the chart under her arm.
"Ok?"
"Ok, I don't think I have any, but, let's go," she gestures with her free hand, "Find some… tampons."
"See?" Izzie whispers to Meredith, as they fall in step behind the other woman, "I told you she would help."
"I can still hear you Stevens," Addison informs her, "And do you seriously call me McWife ?"
"Well, um," Meredith twists her hair.
"Actually, don't answer that," Addison muses, "I don't think I want to know."
A quarter of an hour later, they're trawling through a supply closet, searching high and low.
"I've got syringes, I've got dressings, I've got alchowipes," Izzie whines, "But no tampons."
"Ditto," says Meredith, "Bandages, suture kits, and steri-strips."
Addison brushes the dust of her hands, and sniffles. The interns turn to look at her in surprise.
"Um, Doctor Shephard?" Meredith begins.
"Yes?" she answers, wiping her running eyes.
"Are you Ok?"
"It's just," she breaks into a series of sneezes, "Hayfever," she finishes lamely, to their awed exclamations of 'bless you'.
"I have tissues," Izzie blinks, handing her an unopened box.
"Um, thank you," she sniffs, "And um, don't call me McWife. Addison is you know, fine."
They nod, "Ok."
"Ok?"
Meredith shrugs, "Sure, why not?"
"You're helping us find tampons," Izzie declares, by way of explanation, and nods again, "Of course."
"So, why exactly are we looking for tampons?" Addison enquires, before succumbing to another fit of sneezes.
"Wow, that was ten in a row," Meredith observes, "Oh, and because Cristina is all, 'I want to be a man' and forgot to prepare for the joys of womanhood."
"Oh," she blows her nose, and blinks a few times, "Right."
"Oooh, I think I've found something," Izzie pipes up suddenly, "But I can't quite reach, someone give me a boost up, and I'll…"
The Chief of Surgery of course chooses this moment to wander down the hall immediately outside the supply closet in which we find our heroines. And of course, the following noises can be heard coming from said supply closet:
"Just, push a little bit more Dr…Addison."
"For crying out loud Izzie, shut up, we're doing our best."
"Higher, no, no to the left…. Not that left!"
"Be quiet!"
"Ok, I've got it. I'm coming down now."
And of course, the Chief of Surgery decides he wants to know why afore mentioned heroines are yelling such things from within a supply closet. He opens the door.
"Chief!" Meredith and Izzie exclaim, and Izzie hides a box behind her back.
"Richard!" Addison blinks, straightening her skirt, and rising to her full height.
Richard just looks around, studying each woman carefully, "What is going on here?"
Meredith and Izzie look at each other helplessly, trying to come up with a suitable explanation. But before they can begin, Addison smiles and says, "We're on a quest."
"You're on a quest," the Chief repeats.
"Yes Sir, we are on a quest."
"And this quest, it led you to a supply closet?"
She nods.
"What exactly, are you, um, questing for?" he inquires, suspiciously.
Addison shoots a desperate glance in the direction of the interns, "Um, well…"
"We were looking for," Meredith continues, but then stumbles, and Izzie tries to open her mouth, but fails entirely.
"I'm going to tell you all a secret," Richard mutters, "You all suck at lying."
"We are actually on a quest," Meredith protests.
"I repeat, a quest for what?"
"Tampons," Addison smiles.
"What?"
"Tampons sir," Izzie repeats, beaming similarly.
The Chief of Surgery swallows, and backs out of the doorway, "Um, ok."
"Ok?" they chorus.
He nods, "Ok. Just… um, I've got it. Secret women's business, girl issues, whatever… it's ok."
He closes the door.
They collapse in a fit of giggles.
"Men are stupid," Izzie notes.
"Men are stupid," Meredith repeats.
"Yep, men are stupid," Addison echoes.
"So," Izzie says, "Let's go find Cristina."
Meredith nods, "Let's go find Cristina."
Addison just sneezes again.
"You have to come and find Cristina," Meredith says suddenly, grabbing her arm. When Addison stares at her quizzically she justifies her request, "It's a man's world. We girls, we have to stick together."
Addison grins, "Is my husband being an ass again?"
"Do you have to ask?" Meredith rolls her eyes.
"Not really," she replies, smiling slyly.
"Guys," Izzie hisses, "Cristina!"
"Right," they respond, "Cristina."
And together they march towards the intern's locker room. Derek sees them approaching, and swallows nervously, because Meredith and Addison don't usually get along so well. He really hopes they're not fighting. He really hopes that his wife isn't being a bitch, and he really hopes that Meredith isn't telling his wife anything she shouldn't know.
Thus, he is surprised that when his wife approaches, she smiles at him and says, "I can't talk now Derek, I'm on a quest."
So he turns to Meredith who similarly shakes her head apologetically, "I'm on a quest."
"Dr Stevens?" he pleads for an explanation, looking bewildered.
She shrugs, "On a quest."
He watches them past and turns to find Richard also staring.
"Secret women's business," the Chief of Surgery tells him.
"Ah," he nods, "Right, secret women's business. Girl issues. Whatever."
/lj-cut