"Crazy Over Quistis"

An original Kingdom Hearts story by Mona

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts characters © Disney and SquareEnix.

Hollow Bastion was hardly hollow. It bustled with activity: namely, a confrontation between two sets of triplets.

"This is our territory!" said Huey Duck, glaring at three female ducks.

"Go open your store somewhere else!" Dewey said.

"There's only room for three of us," finished Louie.

The leader of the three girls, April, came forward. "You can't order us around!"

"Yeah," agreed May.

"We have the right to open our store here," snapped June. "Ever heard of a little thing called 'free enterprise'?"

"Ever heard of a little thing called the glass ceiling?" Huey said with a smirk. "We'll run you out of business in no time!"

The townspeople, ducks and humans alike, were too occupied with watching the confrontation to notice the two men in black cloaks sitting on a bench.

"The Germans were wrong. Kids aren't Kinder. They're kindling," one man said to the other. "Just looking at those little brats makes me want roast duck."

"Darn you, Axel! And it's your turn to cook tonight!"

"What's wrong with my cooking?"

"You burn everything!"

"Then get a salad if you're so picky. Or stuff yourself with ice cream, Pudgy."

"I'm not pudgy."

"Roxas, you've gained thirty pounds since you've joined."

"I was a stick when I joined!"

"You're not anymore."

"You would know, Thin Man." Roxas pointed across the street. "What do you think of that girl standing by the fountain?"

"The blond in the orange sweater?"

"Yeah. Isn't she cute?"

Axel snorted. "I'm not going to jail! What kind of sick pervert do you take me for!"

"Not for you, you idiot! For me!"

"Oh."

"So…do I just go up to her and ask her out? Or send gifts and lovey-dovey notes?"

"Have you spoken to her before?"

"No."

"Do you know her name?"

"Her name is Quistis. She teaches military science at the University. She's eighteen, her birthday is October 4…"

Axel smirked. "I see. Are you admiring her or stalking her?"

"It's not like that. Her fan boys told me all that. You've heard of the Trepies?"

"So why don't you ask her out? The worst thing she can do is slam a door in your face."

"I don't want her to do that."

"What's so special about this girl?"

"Well, she's pretty and she's nice. And Xemnas says we're this close to achieving Kingdom Hearts, so why not plan for the future?"

"You're young to be thinking of that sort of thing, but it's good to see you're looking at outsider girls. Larxene will zap you if you stare at her rear too long."

"So how do you get a girl's attention? I can't even say hi to her. I could bungle it."

"Getting a girl is easier than that. You just go to a party with her, and then ply her with drinks until she can't think straight. Then she can't say no."

"Isn't that taking advantage of her?"

"If she's taking drinks from you, she wants you. Women just don't like to admit they want attention. So they play hard to get. Why else does Larxene torment the rest of us by wearing skimpy outfits on Casual Dress Friday?"

"I just don't feel right doing that."

"Suit yourself," Axel replied. "Hey, don't forget the meeting of the Prank Saix Club tonight. 10:00 in Luxord's room."

"Remind me. Why do we constantly prank Saïx?"

"Because he's an insufferable kiss-butt. And he hates my guts."

"Why does he hate you?"

"I think it has something to do with the fact that I set him on fire during my initiation rites."

Roxas looked shocked. "You set Saïx on fire!"

"Don't look at me like that! I couldn't control my fire back then!"

XXX

Later that night, the members of the Prank Saïx Club convened in Luxord's room. They sat in a bunch, sipping beer.

"Axel, it's your turn to come up with a prank to play on Saïx," Xigbar said.

Axel stood up. "Great. I've got lots of ideas. How about we get Vexen to grow a giant, steroid-enhanced tomato, and hit Saïx in the butt with it?"

"Bart did that on The Simpsons," said Demyx.

"Oh," Axel said. "That's all right. I've got more. We switch Saïx's Sectral with Tic-Tacs."

"Simpsons did it!" replied Demyx.

"We rig a bomb to destroy the plumbing system while Saïx is using the toilet?" Axel suggested.

Demyx sighed. "Simpsons did it!"

Axel shrugged. "One of us paints a face on his butt and moons Saïx?"

"Simpsons did it!" Everyone else chorused.

Axel held up his hands. "All right, all right. How about deafening him with a stadium air horn?" Silence. "Don't tell me The Simpsons did that too!"

"That was Futurama," Luxord corrected.

Axel slapped his forehead. "Is there anything The Simpsons hasn't done already?"

Marluxia shook his head. "They've even started to repeat themselves lately."

"Yeah," Demyx agreed. "What's up with that?"

"Can we just switch his medicine with Tic-Tacs?" Axel asked. "It's not like Saix watches Simpsons." Everyone else nodded. "So it's agreed?"

"Five hundred munny he has an aneurysm within six hours," said Luxord.

Demyx looked nervous. "Xemnas will have our heads if he finds out!"

"So?" Xaldin said. "Saïx could have told Xemnas about our pranks a long time ago. Running to 'Daddy' is admitting that we've gotten to him, and he won't admit that. He's got his pride, after all."

XXX

Once the meeting adjourned, Roxas headed toward the office wing. The Superior always worked late. Roxas stopped in front of the white door. He raised his fist to knock, then hesitated. "I have no idea why I'm asking my boss about this." He considered his other options: Saïx, who was only vaguely aware of the opposite sex. Or Demyx, the archetypal teenage dork. Or Xigbar, whose idea of asking a girl out was to press a gun to her head and say "I'm single. I'm Number Two of a prestigious Organization. I'm rich. I'm handsome. But if you don't want to be the happiest woman in the world, I'll gladly blow your brains out."

Larxene would be the worst. She'd laugh in my face, and I'll be the butt of everyone's jokes. Even the Dusks would laugh at me.

Besides, Xemnas said I could talk to him about anything, right?

Roxas knocked on the door. "Superior?"

"Is that you, Roxas?"

"Yes. Can I come in?"

"Certainly."

Roxas opened the door and kneeled before Xemnas. "Superior, I need your advice."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, there's this girl. And I want her to like me. But…well…how can anyone like a Nobody?"

Xemnas leaned back in his desk chair. "I know exactly what you need to do."

"Great! What?"

"Sic Heartless on her until she becomes a Nobody."

Roxas was silent for a few seconds. "Uh…Superior? I want her to like me, and she can't like me if she's a Nobody!"

"No, but she'll obey you. And being obeyed is better than being loved."

"You didn't have too many dates when you were normal, did you?"

Xemnas's orange eyes flashed dangerously. "How…how dare you!"

"Weren't you a…"

"Don't you dare say it!"

"Science geek?" Roxas finished.

Xemnas pointed toward the open door. "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! NOW!"

"All right, all right. Sheesh." Roxas inched out.

XXX

The next morning, Roxas entered Marluxia's conservatory. "Marluxia, sir?"

Marluxia was watering his plants. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, I think dinner last night was excruciatingly offensive to the palate."

"Uh, it's not about food."

"So what is it?" Marluxia set down his watering can.

"You see, I'm trying to woo this girl. And I'm not sure how to attract her attention."

"Have you sent her anything?"

"No."

"You are basic. What do girls love more than anything else?"

"Uh…"

Marluxia rolled his eyes. "Flowers!"

Roxas had to admit Marluxia had a point. "So I send her flowers?"

"Yes, but what kind of flowers?"

"Red roses?"

"Tch."

"What? I thought that's what you send to girls."

"Red roses do mean love, but they're just a teensy bit overused. When you ask a woman out, you're trying to say 'Date me, because I can offer you more than those other men.' The girl is just going to look at those roses and say 'I've seen this before. Get lost.' Understand?"

"Sort of."

"Flowers send messages. White roses are a traditional way of conveying sympathy. On Mother's Day, people traditionally wear roses: a yellow rose means your mother is alive and a white one means she's dead."

Why am I wondering how he knows this stuff? Roxas thought, but stayed silent.

Marluxia continued. "There's no absolute system: meanings can vary. One flower can have several meanings attached to it. But one thing is certain: red roses are cliché."

"So what do you suggest?"

"What does this girl do for a living?"

"She's a college professor. Military science."

"Roxas, you're into older women?"

"She's not that much older. She's eighteen."

"Oh. I think I have just the flower." Marluxia motioned to a group of delicate lavender flowers. "The gladiolus symbolizes love at first sight. It also praises strength of character and generosity."

"Sounds good to me," Roxas said.

XXX

Radiant Garden University's quad was filled with rowdy college students. College co-eds held hands, tossed food, or chatted loudly.

Ordinarily, Quistis found the din a minor annoyance. Today she didn't even notice. Her eyes were bright red, her nose was stuffed, and she had a pounding headache.

"Are you okay, Ms. Trepe?" asked a student.

"Someone sent me a bunch of flowers this morning." Quistis explained. "I have terrible hay fever." She sneezed. "I should have called in sick."

"Yeah. Maybe you should go home."

Quistis wiped her nose with an embroidered handkerchief. "No, you're not getting out of that quiz today."

"Curses," the student replied.

From behind a nearby tree, Roxas cursed, using slightly more…colorful words than the student.

XXX

"Marluxia, what's the flower for unrequited love?"

Marluxia picked a yellow carnation and tossed it at Roxas's feet.

To Be Continued

Author's Note: Ever notice how pudgy Roxas is compared to Sora? It's really obvious in the scene in the World That Never Was where Roxas confronts Sora. And exceptionally obvious in the still from Jiminy's journal (look at the difference in their cheeks). I swear, all that sea-salt ice cream must have caught up to Roxas.

Roxas, though friends with Axel, is still learning to be a sociopath, thus why he seems so mild compared to the others. He's just joined, after all. Has to shake the Sora mannerisms.

Sectral, in case you didn't gather from the context, is a prescription blood pressure medication.

I really like Quistis, and I wanted to use her in a Kingdom Hearts story. They've already got Squall, Selphie, Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin.

This story isn't really part of my general storyline. It's just a silly, slightly stupid story about the Organization. I really like the CoM-exclusive gang, and just had to include them.