Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly. That's Joss Whedon's baby. I'm just peeing in his pool and making no profit from doing so.

A/N: Written as part of the 5 Things meme for chaosunspoken who gave me the prompt "5 Things Mal Really Doesn't Need to Hear in the Middle of a Job". Timeline slews all over both the series and the BDM. But you're smart people—you'll figure it out.

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Five Thing Mal Really Doesn't Need to Hear in the Middle of a Job:

1.

"Oops."

Coming from Jayne.

Coming from Jayne while they're pinned down by gunfire with no retreat and rapidly running out of options.

But especially coming from Jayne, when he'd been holding a grenade only a minute ago.

2.

"But they're so cute!"

"No, Kaylee, absolutely not. No animals on my boat—ever!"

"But capt'n…"

He could say 'no' to that sweet face, but than he'd feel like an evil, evil man until he found some way to make it up to her. Because an unhappy Kaylee made for a tetchy Serenity, and if the ship weren't flying, then they weren't eatin'.

3.

Why they keep going back and using Badger as a middle man boggles Mal's mind. But it always seems like the pint-sized crime lord can find work for them when no one else can, when everyone else thinks it's too risky to let the crew of Serenity—those folk who sent the Signal—take their cargo.

And it never fails: the jobs always go jam-side-down. 'Course, this time 'round, things are just that much more interesting thanks to Zoe being 'bout fit to pop with Wash's babe.

"Sir, I think my water just broke."

4.

"Two by two, hands of blue…two by two, hands of blue…coming…coming to get you…"

It sounded like the frantic babbling was coming from inside Serenity's walls. Like the damn fool girl had gotten herself melded into the ship itself. And they weren't even on a job this time. No suspicious cargo. No Reavers on the sensors. No creepifying passengers to poison him with their mouths and kick Wash in the head. He'd even suited up and stuck his head out the gorram airlock, just to make sure there weren't any bounty hunters lurking up there in sleek, near-invisible ships.

Nothing. They were completely alone out here in the black. So what'd set her off this time?

5.

"I love you."

The voice sounds just like Inara's, but he knows it can't be. Can't be because she left for the ruttin' Training House and left him alone in a too-crowded boat full of people who look at him like he was the one who did something wrong. Like he was the one who'd run away.

She'd left a trunk though, and he's wondered some nights if she'd meant to come back for it some day. Probably not. Fancy woman like her could go leavin' things all over the gorram 'Verse and never notice.

The world's doing a swooping thing every time he opens his eyes, so he keeps them shut and half-listens to the mumble of Simon's words. There's pain in his leg, surrounding an icy patch of numbness, so he figures he's got himself shot again. Doc's probably got him hopped on pain meds—that's what's making him hear such craziness as Inara whispering 'I love you'.