wham, bam, thank you, ma'am ≫ chapter seven
Okayyyy, I'm not even going to make this introduction long. I'VE BEEN LAZY, ALRIGHT? I do have somewhat of a life—one that would make even VIKINGS (whatever the hell those things are) quiver. Alright?
Let's just get onto it, shall we?
Where we last left off, I handed the last of my manhood to those amazingly queer, amazingly HERE Elric brothers, Ally and Eddy. QueerfagtardsUGH! But they promised to get me my kids back, so can you blame me? Underneath all this muscle is MORE MUSCLE. And underneath that muscle is an object that helps me move around. If we're being realistic here, it isn't like...a heart or anything. But let's just pretend it is for a second.
FEEL SORRY FOR ME NOW?
I sigh a little bit, and then go and untie the little buggers. I was thinking that maybe this kid wasn't as short as I thought he was, but CHRIST ALMIGHTY, I felt like grabbing a jug-o'-milk and force-feeding it to him. Which I would want to do anyway even if he was at normal height, because the smell of milk makes a certain BEAUTIFUL TROUSER SNAKE perky (sorry, I'm a manwhore). This kid, the shrimp, looks pretty proud of himself, because he managed to outsmart me. Obviously, he thinks he's got something pretty freakin' awesome up his sleeve. But I run things--he just doesn't know it yet. I could push him into the street and dance on his little face if I wanted to!
We start walking.
"Can I ask you a question?" the younger one asks.
"Uh, yeahhh...Alphonse..." I sort of choke myself a little to say that. Might as well call them by their original names. Isn't kissing ass a beautiful process?
"Oh, call me Al," he says. I nod, but of course I don't listen; Alphonse is a hilariously bad name, as I've mentioned before. Like I'd give up the opprotunity to use it on a regular basis. IMAGINE THE PUNS...! "But...how in the world did you have kids? Aren't you guys...NOT normal?"
"Hell if I know," I answer (AlPORNse...haha). "We Homunculi pretty much just run with what's given to us. You see how Lust flaunts her large, supple, LARGE, bouncing, LARGE breasts. And how Envy flaunts his immensely blatant homosexuality. And me? I flaunt my deliciously long wa—"
"YEAH, OKAY," Ed interrupts, flailing. Idiot. "So where are we gonna look? For the children, I mean?"
"We have a base somewhere, believe it or not. It's pretty fancy. Just outside of Central; I can take you guys there. It'll take awhile, though."
"Sounds good."
"Yup. But we need a ride! I can't fucking teleport or anything, so don't expect any magic tricks. And if we need to sell our bodies for a car ride, I nominate the Shrimp--you have such womanly curves."
"Shut the hell up. Believe it or not, Al and I have QUITE a bit of money. From working, because, believe it or not, there are quite a few people who actually work for their money."
"Oh, haha."
"So we'll catch a train, and it'll be pleasant. As long as you don't go SPAZZING it up."
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING! I'm a-fucking-fraid to turn my back to you! For one, you'd have a clear shot of my ass and we ALL know how fond you are of those things. AND you're such a little backstabbing bitch, who's actually sort of clever. So don't fuck this up. And Al...just do what you're doing, alright? Which is NOTHING, youstupidsackofMETALorwhateveryou'remadeof."
The brothers look a little surprised about my little outburst, but, dammit, this moment sure did call for it! Morons. I oughta poison those bitches.
And we pretty much just hop onto a train from here! That simple. This Ed guy must sell his body (whaddup with me and these stabs at prostitution lately? I'M A FAN!). But we're on this train, right? And this hot as hell stewardess asks me if I need a towel or something. And JUST when I'm about to say, "Why, yes—my penis seems to have started to leak!", a loud, shrill sound breaks the general calmness of our little traincar.
"ED!! AL!!"
"What the f--" I start. I look over and see this blonde chick running over. Her breasts are going every which way (I really shouldn't be eyeing a minor like that). Ed and Al look surprised.
"Winry...?" Alphonse says. "What're you doing here?"
"What are YOU doing here?!" she asks. "Colonel Mustang just called saying you got kidnapped! By...ummmm..." She eyes me like a steak dinner. Except without hunger...wait, what?
"By the Homunculus, you mean?" adds Ed sort of impatiently. "CLEARLY, we're with one of them. Don't worry. We've got a deal; we're going to help save this guy's—"
I butt in. "—GREED—"
"...yeah, this guy's children."
"Whoa..." Winry (which is apparently her name) says. "They can have kids? That's like...WOW!"
"Really, though. But it wouldn't be too good of an idea to get caught up in this. It's been smooth-sailing so far, because Greed's been cooperating with us. If we get him his kids back--which, ironically, were kidnapped by the Homunculus--he'll let us go."
"Is it really that simple?"
"Yeah, actually," I answer, not particularly liking being the FIFTH WHEEL in this epically failing conversation. "Just how I roll. Why do you think I broke it off with those other Homunculi? They're all a bunch of hardasses." I point at Ed. "And don't go thinking you're like, A HOLY LIGHT OF...LIGHT or anything; you're just helping me because my comrades aren't anywhere. Hell, I'm pretty sure they disappear somewhere whenever I'm not on screen."
"Whatever you say," the kid mutters. He turns back to his large-racked friend. "Don't overreact. In fact, don't even tell anyone at HQ about this? We'll just come back, unharmed, like nothing ever happened. If they find out Al and I are helping a supposed enemy, they won't handle it well."
"They'd TOTALLY think you're traitors or something...you kind of are, man! THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERING IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!"
"Who told you that? Your therapist?"
"Well, duh. All this knowledge doesn't come from thin air!" (Note: It actually does. I like pretending I'm like everyone else once in awhile.)
Edward ignores me. PUNK. "Winry, just go back home. Don't worry. When have Al and I ever really gotten hurt?" She looks ready to answer, but Ed just smiles. "Rhetorical question, Winry."
Winry looks hesitant, but succumbs. "Alright..." She looks a little ashamed of herself, and just sighs. "So you guys are apparently headed to Central? But why? Thought you were pulling the whole 'incognito' thing."
"Greed told us that's where the Homunculus base is--right outside of it, anyway. So we're heading there."
"Good luck!"
We are sooooooo not gonna need it.
--
As Edward mentioned, it was a fairly calm trip back. I managed to use that "penis-and-towel" joke at least five different times on the whole train trip! Yayyy!
We take a LONGGGGG walk up a randomly placed mountain hill thing (when we could've just gotten a taxi...it's like these guys are TRYING to make my perfectly manly toes all icky!). Atop this hill, is our little hideout. Dante (that little slut) had it built for us. But, knowing her, she probably killed the original owners. But I digress. It's a cute little house, three stories tall, beige in color. I kick the door open, and it's dead silent inside.
"No one's here!" says Al. It's like he's fucking here to point out the obvious.
"Where is everyone?" says Ed. "You'd think there would be at least ONE of them guarding the place."
"We're not too hot on being normal, my friend," I sigh, taking a look around. "But the kids have to be here somewhere..."
I trail off, hearing large knocks from upstairs. Ed and Al look at each other and nod (always trying to be the heroes). We start running up the large staircase, and stop in front of this door painted hot pink. I snicker, because I haven't been to this house in awhile and Envy seems to have made some changes to his little abode. People are in that room...but it was only a matter who. Waiting isn't really a game I like to play, so I just open the door, and swing it open. A large pair of knockers greet me.
"What the hell?! Winry?!" I sputter.
"Did you guys honestly think I was going to leave just like THAT?" she laughs.
"But like...how did you get here first? We were on the same train as you! Do your boobs give you some sort of magical ability to come at the WORST TIMES?" (That's what she said.)
"I took a taxi." She leaves it at that. I knew we should've taken a taxi. "Anyway, I think I've found what you've been looking for." She moves out of the way, revealing three little bodies sitting on the floor, looking up at us.
"Ohhh, hey, Dad!"
My balls dropped to the floor.
A/N: OHMYGOD, I sure do lose at life! It's almost been a year since I last updated, hasn't it? Butttt, I finally did! I guess you can thank the fact that I had freetime in my Nutritution class (I'm a Junior now, yo) and we were at the computer lab and I typed alot and now it's Saturday and I thought I was gonna go to Fiesta Texas but I'm not today and YEAH. Sorry, everyone. I'm just going to let you all know that the next chapter will most likely be the last one. Eight is a nice place to end, right? Eight is a hot number. ALL SYMMETRICAL (lol, Soul Eater). Thanks for reading, anyway! Drop me a review telling me how you want to stab me! (: