Lord, Have Mercy on My Soul

&&& flashback &&&

"Father, God of Mercy, through these waters of baptism you have filled us with new life as your very own children," the Celebrant began, as he stood before the church filled with parents and their children.

"Blessed be God," they all said, in unison.

"From all who are baptized in water and the Holy Spirit, you have formed one people united in your presence," the church Celebrant continued while the followers listened with rapt attention.

"Blessed be God," the audience called out.

"You have set us free and filled our hearts with the Spirit of your Love, that we may live in your peace."

"Blessed be God."

"You call those who have been baptized to announce the Good News of Enlightenment to people everywhere," said the Celebrant, raising his hand over the water filled basin.

"Blessed be God," the followers said.

"You have called your child, Severus Snape to this cleansing water and new birth that he, sharing the faith of your Faith, might have eternal life. Bless this water in which he will be baptized. We live in the grace of God. Amen." The Celebrant lowered his hand into the basin, before turning to Eileen and Tobias Snape and holding out his arms. Gently, and somewhat apprehensively, Eileen placed her only child into the Celebrants awaiting arms, so that he may be baptized as his father had so demanded...

&&& end flashback &&&

Even though his heart beat so rapidly he thought it would explode, Severus Snape kept on running, the terrified blonde boy barely keeping up. They had to move and move quick. Not only would the Ministry be looking for them but the Dark Lord would have sent his minions as well.

Once outside the gates of Hogwarts, Severus and Draco had broken apart from the other Death Eaters and continued off in another direction. Exactly where they were going he didn't know. What he did know was that Draco must be kept from the Dark Lord for as long as possible. Were he to return now the boy would be killed for sure. And that was something that Severus couldn't let happen. He'd made a promise to the only person who'd ever loved him, and he wasn't going to disappoint; especially not now.

It seemed like they'd been running for days but in all actuality it had only been twenty minutes or so. Suddenly, the boy stopped; terrible sobs wracking his poorly cared for body. This last year had been hell on the teen and Severus knew it. Not only was he a mess physically, but the mental and emotional ramifications of the Dark Lord's orders had long since set in. Breaking down, Draco crumpled to the street letting his cries overtake him.

"We must go," Professor Snape said, sternly, trying to lift the boy up by the arm. Draco refused, and instead went limp making it impossible for the Professor to move him. "Draco, we haven't the time for this now."

"I can't... I don't want..."

"I know that, and if you let me help you, you won't have to," Severus assured him. "But we've got to go now." Ignoring his traumatized body's protest, Draco stood and allowed the only person he had left at that moment, to guide him down the streets of Muggle London; their destination unknown.

A few minutes later, a very tall building came into view and, for reasons unknown, Severus was drawn to it. He couldn't explain why he felt compelled to go there, but it was calling out to him, begging him to seek solace within its walls. Quickly, they approached the impressive structure, with its massive floor to ceiling stained glass windows that depicted many moving scenes that stirred something within Severus' very soul. The way the light from within the building shone through the colorful glass made it seem as if the structure was glowing; like it had its very own aura securely bound around its perimeter.

Walking up the stone steps, Severus approached the tall wooden doors that would grant him entrance. Without even knocking, he entered, unknowingly holding his breath. Thoughts of Draco far from his mind, the distraught wizard slowly followed the red carpeted aisle lined with long benches, until he came to the altar at its end. Instantly, he dropped to his knees before the large statue of man who's arms were outstretched. Severus couldn't help but feel as if that statue was reaching out to him; as if that figure had been placed there for the specific purposing of comforting him on this very day. He wasn't sure when it had happened, but at some point, Severus had begun to cry; his formerly sweat covered face now streaked with tears. Upon realizing that, for the first time in nearly twenty years, he was crying, his silent tears gave way to gut wrenching sobs. It was like the young man was making up for a lifetime of not being able to express his emotions, in one fail swoop.

"My child..." a warm voice interrupted, jolting Severus from his grief. "My child, what troubles you so?" Severus said nothing, but turned back to the statue that had offered him the comfort he desperately needed.

It was then that things finally began to make sense to him; he began to understand why he felt so unequivocally drawn to this place. Severus' father had been a devout Christian, and when Tobias had learned of his wife's pregnancy he demanded that their child be baptized; as no son of his would live a sinful life. Tobias Snape simply wouldn't allow it, even if his wife was less than thrilled by the idea. Severus recalled that his father had often made him attend church services and read the bible throughout his childhood. When he was young, before he'd ever really discovered what magic was, Severus was enthralled by the idea of God and everything that notion entailed. He enjoyed reading the stories of Jesus and his disciples and he reveled in the idea of someone caring enough to die for the sins of others. However, as he aged and his father grew to be even more cruel and sadistic, Severus forgot about his devotion to Christ and all of the lessons and values that had been instilled by Him, and instead allowed magic to overtake his life; thoughts of revenge against his father and vengeance in his mother's name, not far from his mind at all times. How appropriate it seemed, for him to end up right back where his faith had started.

"Come now, my child, and let the Lord hear your grief," the short older man said, leaning down so that he was at eye level with the grief-stricken stranger. Severus stared back at the priest, silently searching his eyes for dishonesty. Seeing none, he rose and followed the man back down the red carpeted aisle towards the confessional. Realizing what the man was trying to get him to do, Severus began to walk back down towards the altar so that he could retrieve Draco from the pew he had seated himself on, and flee the church. Before he could make it very far, the priest called out to him.

"Some have said that the most distinctive feature about our Lord, Jesus Christ, was that He forgave sins without asking for any repentance: He welcomed and ate with prostitutes and publicans and if He asked for a change of heart, He did so after accepting them, not before. He offers to all, forgiveness without any repentance. Will you not allow the Lord to hear your grief?"

"Why?" Snape asked, his voice deeper and huskier than usual due to his having sobbed so hard. "What good would it do?"

"Have you been baptized?" the priest asked, slowly approaching his charge. Severus nodded. "For those, who after baptism have fallen into sin, the Sacrament of Penance is necessary for salvation."

"Salvation," Severus laughed. "No one would forgive me for my sins... if you knew..."

"Then tell me my child, and I may very well surprise you," he dared. Severus refused to look the priest in the eyes, his body tense with apprehension. "Overcome your shame. You are not ashamed to sin and yet you are ashamed to confess. Hide your wounded conscience no more! Feel no shame to approach because you have sinned, rather approach because you have sinned," he pleaded, seeing how destroyed the man was by his sins.

"You wouldn't understand..."

"I assure you, I know well how to pardon because I myself am liable to sin," the priest argued, waving off Severus' latest excuse. "Is it really better to hide and be damned than to be openly absolved?"

"Its not that I don't want to... I just can't. Not yet, not until it's done. The boy must live and if I get caught..." Severus stammered, his tears once again flowing freely. "Let's just say, the boy will royally muck it up, on his own."

"That boy?" the priest asked, pointing towards Draco, who sat openly sobbing.

"No, not him," Severus replied. "But I did promise his mother that I would do everything I could to ensure that he lives."

"I see nothing wrong in that," the priest assured him, coming to stand at his side so that he could gently usher him towards the confessional.

"Don't you get it!" Snape shouted. "I can't tell you because if I do than you'll tell someone else, and then the Dark Lord will find out about it and then we'll all be fucked!"

"My boy, a priest is bound to inviolable secrecy and I cannot be excused from it to save my own life or good name, to save the life of another, to further the ends of human justice or to avert any public calamity. No law can compel me to divulge the sins confessed to me. Your word is safe with me until you give me permission to speak of your sins." Using a bit more force than before, the priest guided him to the door of the confessional. "I will wait for you," he said, before entering and taking his seat.

For several minutes, Severus paced outside of the confessional booth contemplating whether or not he should risk it; all the while tears streaming down his face. The weight of his guilt becoming far too much to bear, Severus jerked the booth door open and sat down. Several moments later the door to the grating slid open, signaling him that it was time to confess.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," Severus began, his words muffled by his sobs.

"And how long has it been since your last confession?"

"I was six, so it's been thirty-one years."

"And what have you to confess my child?"

"What don't I have to confess would be an easier question," Snape replied, sarcastically.

"What have you to confess to the Lord, my child?" he repeated.

"Where do I start?" Severus asked, genuinely unsure of what to begin with.

"The beginning."

"When I was six, I wished my father dead..." he began.

For nearly two and a half hours the priest simply sat there and listened on as Severus Snape confessed every single sin he had committed since his last confession, at the age of six. Thanks to his meticulous memory, he was able to recount all thirty-eight people who had died by his wand, including the most recent one, Albus Dumbledore. Severus knew that thirty-seven of the murders had been done in the name of Good, but it didn't change the fact that he had taken those lives. It didn't lessen his guilt in the slightest. The lies he had told and the lives he had taken, had taken over his own, and now Severus was left to deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, now he had to go it alone, as the only person, other than his mother, who had ever truly loved him was now dead... at his hand.

"He trusted me," Severus kept saying over and over again. "He trusted me. I did every thing I could for the boy. I really did, but he didn't want my help! I tried talking to him. I tried interfering with his plans, but in the end it didn't matter. Dumbledore asked me to do it. He needed me to do it... I promised. I am not a coward!" Hanging his head, Severus quietly continued to sobbed.

"Are you are all right, child?" the priest asked, after Severus had failed to say anything for several minutes.

"I loved him... he was like a father to me. The only one I ever had. The only one who ever trusted me... had any faith in me. Why did he have to ask me to do this? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Anyone else..."

"My child, the Lord is full of compassion and mercy, slow to anger and of great kindness. He will not accuse us, nor will he keep his anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our wickedness. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so is his mercy great upon those who fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our sins from us. As a father cares for his children, so does the Lord care for those who fear Him. Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit; as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. For your contrition and confession, I give you absolution. Ego te absolvo, I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."

"What?" Severus asked, disbelievingly.

"You regret your sins and for that, I offer you absolution. This is not a free ticket to continue on the road you've been on. It is an opportunity to begin anew. You may falter again, and if so, return to the Lord and seek his forgiveness as you have today. If genuine, it will be granted. We are imperfect. We always have been and always will be, yet the Lord still loves us. He always has and always will."

"Thank you, Father," Severus said, his tears having stopped He couldn't explain it but he really did feel as if a thousand pounds had been lifted off of his shoulders. "If I survive this war, I will be back and I hope that you will listen to me again."

"I will always listen to those who need to be heard." With that said, Severus left the confessional taking long purposeful strides towards the quietly sleeping blonde. Gently shaking him awake, the wizard led the child out of the church and headed for Spinner's End.

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," the priest whispered, as he watched the dark stranger lead the young boy away from his sanctuary. Part of him thought that the man must be crazy, what with his talk of killing people with wands and a magical Dark Lord., but another part him, a very small part mind you, believed that what ever mission that child of Christ was on, was truly a mission fueled by good and noble intentions.

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