AN: ...I totally can't believe I wrote this. I wanted to write it but didn't think I could, and then I started writing one day and it just came out of me with no particular exertation on my part. Maybe that's a bad thing? For me, this is definitely what happens after the end of KHII, but of course your mileage may vary. Anyway. I think this is pretty okay, and there are some parts I'm pretty happy with, although I had hoped it would be porn and then kind of chickened out at the last minute. So... hope you like it.
SEX EDUCATION
"So," says Selphie as they leave the school, "guess who I saw today at lunch?"
Sora raises an eyebrow. "Gee, I wonder," he says thoughtfully. "I guess you saw... me. Among other people. Am I right?"
"You don't have to get sarcastic, it's just a figure of speech."
Tidus comes up from behind them and taps Selphie on the back. "Whoa, Selphie, slow down. Do you even know what a figure of speech is?" Then he exchanges high-fives with Sora. "Hey, man! How was class?"
"Same as always, I guess. Mr. Garamonde killed me in Math for losing my textbook, but I can probably borrow Riku's, if he still has it from last year-"
"I saw WAKKA'S GIRLFRIEND," says Selphie loudly.
Both Tidus and Sora stop dead in their tracks.
"You saw Wakka's girlfriend?" asks Tidus.
"Wait a minute," says Sora, at exactly the same time, "Wakka has a girlfriend?"
"Yes and yes," says Selphie, pleased that her information is receiving due attention. "She was talking to Wakka behind the school. She goes to that private school, right? The one on the mainland? And today's a holiday for them."
Tidus nods. "Yeah, you're right. So what's she like?"
"You're not gonna believe this, but here goes. She's a goth. And it's not just that: I mean, she's hot. Really, really good looking. And her clothes are awesome, she was wearing like sixty belts, and the entire time she was standing there like," Selphie crosses her arms and pouts, "like this."
"Well," says Tidus, reflectively, "Wakka did say he didn't know why she was going out with him."
Sora frowns. "I didn't know Wakka even had a girlfriend-"
The conversation is interrupted by the sudden presence of Kairi, walking past them with her pink backpack slung over one shoulder. "Hi, guys! What's up?"
"Oh, just talking about Wakka's girlfriend." Selphie grins. "Whom I happened to see today for the first time, also I was the first person to see her, just incidentally."
Kairi nods. "Oh, right," she says, with a vague cheerfulness, "That goth girl, right? I'd heard about that. Good for him."
"Coming to the island tonight?" asks Sora. As usual when talking to Kairi, he feels as though part of his mind has stepped outside himself. He knows that Roxas and Namine are talking to each other right now. He likes to imagine what they might be saying, but the truth is, he has no idea.
"Of course! I'll be there as soon as I do the dinner dishes. Is Riku coming too?"
Sora shrugs and lowers his eyes. "I dunno. I'll ask, if I can find him before tonight."
"Great! It's been a while since the three of us have gone together."
"If by 'a while' you mean 'a week.'"
"Yes, as it happens, that's exactly what I mean."
"Well, fine, then."
"Fine."
"Fine!"
"Fine." Kairi laughs good-naturedly, and Sora can almost see Namine in her smile. "I should get home." She waves to all three - four - of them. "See you tonight!" Then she pulls her arm through the other strap of her backpack and dashes away down the road.
Tidus watches her go, and then turns to Sora. "So," he says. "Speaking of girlfriends... how about you and Kairi?"
"Kairi's not my girlfriend," says Sora automatically. This is the same response he gives to anyone who asks that question, and recently people have been asking it more often. Then he gives Tidus a look. "...You know that."
"But she should be," says Selphie matter-of-factly.
Sora mock-grimaces. "Aw, c'mon! Selphie, not you, too!"
"She's right." Tidus glances at Sora. "This is getting ridiculous, man. You guys have been this way since you were kids. It's obvious that she's totally into you. You know that, right?"
"Well, I guess..." says Sora awkwardly.
"And you like her too, don't you?"
"Of course I like her, but..."
"Then there's nothing to worry about, right?"
"...Right..."
Satisfied with this answer, Selphie nods emphatically. "So tell her you love her! Ask her out! Give her a Paopu fruit or something! It doesn't matter how you do it, just hook up already, okay?"
"But..." Sora pauses, sighing. "I don't really wanna think about all that stuff right now."
Tidus looks incredulous. "'All that stuff?' We're teenagers! We're supposed to be thinking about 'all that stuff' right now! How long were you plan on waiting? Kairi might not wait around for you forever, you know." He swings his arm around Sora's shoulder. "We know you can do it. All you need is confidence."
"Just think..." murmurs Selphie. "You and Kairi... out on the island... alone together..."
For a moment, Sora tries to picture it, exactly as Selphie did. There's something wrong with the picture. It doesn't quite work like it's supposed to; there's him, there's Kairi, there's the island, but...
When he realizes the problem, he feels his face turn red. "Sorry, guys," he says, quietly, "I gotta go. I have some stuff I need to do." He knows that if this conversation goes any further, they'll drag it out of him, and then he'll never live it down.
Maybe he really just isn't ready for this yet.
xxx
Riku often goes through periods of apparently trying to avoid Sora, only to snap out of it a few days later and act as though nothing ever happened. It's only gotten more frequent in the years since he came back. Sora thinks it has to do with his confused Riku-mind which often misunderstands situations and then mopes about them. On the other hand, he could just want to be alone.
Either way, Sora tries to respect his privacy. Up to a point.
Usually he finds Riku by the beach, in or out of the water. Today he's swimming. Sora watches for a moment as he glides effortlessly through the water, then yells and waves to him, and watches as he surfaces.
The first time he saw Riku again after they were separated - the way Riku honestly looks, outside of the darkness - he was shocked firstly by how tall he had grown. Then it was the look in his eyes, when he opened them. Sora couldn't remember: had they been so intense before? And had he always been so muscular? He could barely take his eyes off him.
When did Riku get so... attractive?
Since then, he has pointedly tried not to stare, because he knows it's weird, but often he can't help it. It just happens, that's all. The only thing he can do is hope Riku doesn't notice, or, if he does, isn't too creeped out by it.
Sometimes he feels uncomfortable around him. He can't help feeling too conscious of his body, as though Riku is watching him the same way he watches Riku. He knows he didn't grow much during the year he was asleep. He hasn't grown much since, either. His arms are nowhere near as muscular as Riku's, and he still has an extra layer of baby fat.
Really, he looks like a kid.
"Hey, Sora," says Riku. "What's up?"
Sora hands him the towel he found lying folded on the beach. "Not too much. But, uh, Kairi wanted to know if you're coming to the island tonight."
"Thanks." Riku accepts the towel and starts drying himself off. Sora averts his eyes. "Are you guys both going?"
"Yeah, probably."
"...Well, maybe I'll go. I dunno. I have a ton of homework tonight."
"That's like the lamest possible excuse. You don't even do homework." Sora pouts, and then tugs on his arm for maximum effect. "Come on, Riku! It'll be great! We can build a campfire and tell ghost stories and it'll be just like old times!"
"Quit it with the puppy eyes, Sora."
"C'mon! Pleeeeeease?"
Riku sighs and throws up his hands in frustration. "Okay, okay! Enough already! Sure, I'll come crash your hot date."
"Oh, not you too!" Sora grimaces. "Tidus and Selphie won't shut up about me and Kairi. It's driving me crazy. I mean, I like her, but..." He shrugs. "I dunno. What do you think?"
A strange, slightly unhappy expression spreads across Riku's face, only to disappear again the next moment. "It doesn't matter what I think," he says, matter-of-factly, "just what you think."
"That's not an answer."
Riku shrugs. "Hey, don't worry too much about it. No matter what happens, Kairi will always be there for you. And so will I."
The last sentence is said so lightly it almost feels like a joke, but Riku's eyes are totally serious, and Sora smiles. "Thanks, man," he says.
Riku keeps his word, and they do, in fact, have a campfire that night. Kairi brings marshmallows and they roast them on sticks. Sora tells all the creepiest stories he knows, beginning with the familiar Destiny Island stories and building up to the ones he learned in Halloween Town. From the corner of his eye he watches Riku's face flicker in the firelight.
There are times when Sora doesn't understand himself.
He knows he likes Kairi, but his feelings for her have changed very little since he was twelve; he's very clear about liking her, but anything after that becomes very fuzzy. He can't imagine... doing anything about it.
At the same time, his feelings towards Riku aren't clear even on the surface. Sometimes he can almost picture them in his brain, a great big mass of vague lights and shadows, gradually condensing into something solid, something touchable. He doesn't know what they will become. He isn't really sure he wants to.
xxx
Nothing important happens until a few weeks later, when the school nurse spends a requisite hour of the school day teaching the entire grade about sexual health and safety. Even she seems embarrassed.
Sora spends the class doodling on his desk waiting for the whole thing to be over. He's never felt like any of this applies to him. He's a teenage boy, and he has certain feelings, but he also has the sneaking suspicion they're not the kind of feelings most other teenage boys get.
There's a little cardboard box where people can leave their questions after class. Probably nobody will have the guts, even if it is anonymous. He almost thinks about writing down a question, and even tries to phrase one in his head, but he gets to 'is it okay not to think about girls when you' and then decides against it. Better to ignore the subject entirely.
As they leave the classroom for lunch, Selphie heaves a sigh of relief. "Thank God that's over."
"No kidding," says Tidus, and they promptly start into a discussion of the various cafeteria food choices. In the end, everyone goes with the pineapple chicken except Sora, who holds out for pizza because the eternal optimist in him says that it couldn't be any worse than last week's.
The conversation goes as usual until Tidus puts down his fork for a moment and says, musingly, "I wonder if Wakka and his girlfriend have done it yet."
Sora nearly spits his drink out. "...What?"
"No way," says Selphie dismissively. "Not Wakka. He'll be a virgin forever."
Tidus shrugs his shoulders. "Hey, you never know. I mean, we never thought he'd even get a girlfriend, and look where we are now."
"But still," says Selphie, and makes a face. "It's Wakka."
"...I cannot believe you guys are having this conversation," says Sora, slightly muffled, head in his hands.
Tidus claps him on the back. "C'mon, Sora, lighten up! It's no big deal. We're teenagers, it's totally natural to talk about sex. I mean, I know you're not the most experienced, what with the fact that you still haven't hooked up with Kairi - and what's up with that, man? - but you don't have to be all embarrassed-"
"...Experienced?" Selphie snorts and rolls her eyes. "Right, because you've got soooo much experience, Tidus."
"Who says I don't?"
"Please."
"Yeah, well, how much experience have you got, huh?"
"None of your business, that's how much."
Sora tunes them out and takes a bite of his pizza. It's cold, greasy, and the cheese tastes kind of funny. Just the same as it was last week. He wolfs it down, trying to ignore the taste, and his ears only return to the conversation when Tidus says, in the same thoughtful tone as before, "Wonder if Riku's done it."
Selphie pauses, as if the question is in need of serious thought. "That's a tricky one," she says, finally. "I mean, he was away from the island for a while, so hypothetically he could have... Sora, what do you think?"
"I think it's none of our business," says Sora, red-faced.
"There you go, getting embarrassed again..." Selphie taps her fork on her plate like a metronome and continues thinking. "Well. He's definitely hot enough, for one. And he's pretty mature... but he's such an asshole sometimes."
Tidus shrugs. "He can be pretty smooth when he wants to be."
"There is that," responds Selphie. "And I mentioned that he's hot, right?"
Sora has actually wondered this himself a couple of times. After all, the darkness is a mysterious, kind of adult thing, and Riku was there for a while. It's easy enough to imagine that he could have met someone there, spent the night on top of them, trying to lose himself...
"Guys," he says, stopping his thoughts from going any further in that direction, "I really don't think we should be talking about Riku's-"
"My what?" asks Riku, stepping up to the table. Then he smirks. He's not as cocky as he was before, but he can still be pretty smug, at least in public. "Hey, guys."
Selphie looks up at him. "Oh," she says blithely, "we were just wondering whether you've had sex or not." Then she covers her mouth. "...Uh, probably shouldn't have said that."
"Well," says Tidus with a shrug, "as long as we're on the subject, have you?"
Riku ignores both of them. "Sora," he says, "remember that new restaurant down by your house? A guy in my class works there, and he was giving out two-for-one coupons today. I'm cooking dinner at home tonight, but you and Kairi should go."
"No way!" Sora shakes his head. "That wouldn't be fair to you. We'll just wait until a day that all three of us can go."
"Ahem. I asked a question."
"So have you done it or not?"
"No, really, you guys should take it. It's cool. It'll be fun."
Sora sighs. "C'mon, Riku, don't be like that. It won't be as much fun if you're not there."
"You should take it!" says Selphie, having found a subject she considers more interesting than Riku's sexual history. "This is your chance for a date with Kairi!"
Tidus shoots Riku a dirty look. "Incidentally, man, still waiting on that answer."
Riku grabs Sora's wrist and presses the coupon into the palm of his hand. He holds on for just a second longer than necessary. Then he says "Have fun" and turns to go.
"...Hey, Riku," says Sora quietly.
Riku turns around. "Yeah?"
Sora looks him straight in the eye. "Have you?" he asks.
Riku stares him back for a while, then his gaze falls to the floor. "See you around, Sora," he says quietly, and walks away.
"He's totally done it," says Selphie.
"He totally hasn't," says Tidus.
Sora doesn't say anything. The skin where Riku touched him feels different from the rest of his body; either hotter or colder, he can't tell which. He folds the coupon in half and shoves it in his pocket. The feeling fades after a second, but he ends up daydreaming through the rest of class that day, trying to remember it.
xxx
He doesn't do this very often. It feels too much like coming into someone's house unannounced. But he has done it before, a couple of times, and it's easy enough once you know the trick to it.
"Um, Roxas?" says Sora, tentatively. "I'm coming in."
Then he closes his eyes and stares at the backs of his eyelids until the red darkness becomes a strange flickering half-light. Eventually he loses his bearings, and out of the corner of his eye he can see the figure sitting beside him.
He turns to face him. "Hey, Roxas. How're you doing?"
"Same as always, I guess," replies Roxas, with a little shrug of his shoulders. "Not bad."
"And Namine?"
"She was fine the last time I saw her."
"I'm glad."
"Yeah."
"So, I... need your advice."
"I know." Roxas almost laughs, which is rare. "Sora, no offense, but you have the emotional intelligence of a ton of bricks."
Sora frowns. "Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're dense."
"That's why I'm asking for advice."
"Point taken."
"Roxas," says Sora, quickly, in order to get it over with as soon as possible, "when you were a Nobody, did you ever do... anything...? Like, physical...?"
As soon as he asks, memories blossom inside him. All of a sudden he can feel someone else's mouth on his, someone else's hands on his body, hot enough to scorch, someone else arching up as he rakes his nails across their back, someone else choking out his name against his naked shoulder, making him real...
Then it is gone, and he is left trembling.
Roxas looks shocked. "Sorry," he says, quietly, after a moment. "...Didn't mean for that to happen."
"No, that's okay," says Sora, feeling very awkward. "Never mind."
They are both quiet for a second, and then Roxas takes Sora's hand, which is exactly the same size as his.
"Sora," he says, "you don't want to stay a kid forever, do you? You're just scared of letting everybody down."
"I..."
"You don't want to date Kairi."
"...Yeah," says Sora after a second, because inside, he's always known that. "You're right. But... Riku wants me to."
"Riku is a masochistic idiot. You should know that by now. What he wants is to make you happy, preferably if it makes him miserable. If dating Kairi won't make you happy, you will have made him miserable for nothing. Do you want that?"
Sora imagines Riku spending long hours swimming alone, trying to avoid him, Riku teasing Kairi about why she hadn't just given up and asked him out yet, Riku going into the cave and seeing a childish chalk doodle of him and Kairi sharing a Paopu fruit. Riku receiving a two-for-one coupon and knowing that he would give it away.
He remembers when they reached the sea in the midst of the darkness and sat down on the beach and just sat there for what seemed like hours. It was incredible to see Riku again after so long, and even though they were stuck there, he hadn't been scared at all. Sometimes they talked, but more often they just watched the waves of the black ocean lap at the shore. Together.
There was a moment when he thought he saw Riku's hand moving towards his. Then he looked and it was in the same place after all.
If he had been thinking, he would have taken Riku's hand back then.
"Roxas?" says Sora. "...Thanks."
"No problem," replies Roxas. "Glad to help."
"If you ever..." Sora pauses, unsure of how to phrase his next words. "...um, need a body, you know I'd always be happy to help."
"Thanks, but I'm good. I don't really mind it in here." Roxas smiles. It looks a little bit wistful around the edges, almost sad. "Besides," he says, "I'd have nothing to do with it, now."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"...Take care, Roxas."
"You too, Sora."
The sudden return to the outside world makes Sora almost dizzy, and he stumbles a little bit before regaining his footing. Then he blinks his eyes several times and heads out the door.
Someday he might ask Roxas about that memory. First, though, he needs to do some other things.
xxx
Kairi's parents wave him on up to Kairi's room, which is about as big as his own, painted in sunset yellows and pinks. Kairi's cello case sits in the corner - apparently she joined the school band while they were gone, and he's heard her a couple of times, she's really good. The room is intensely messy. The bed, floor, and everywhere else are strewn with books and crumpled sheets of paper.
Kairi sits at her desk, fiddling with a pencil. "Count the syllables," she says, as Sora enters the room. "'We are divers in a sea of faith-'"
Dutifully, Sora counts on his fingers as she speaks. "Uh, nine."
"Urg." Kairi frowns and puts her pencil down. "Iambic pentameter is a bitch. I'm taking a break." She turns to Sora and smiles again. "So, what's up?"
Sora sits down on the bed. "Uh, Kairi," he says, more than a little awkwardly, "I need to talk to you."
"Funny," replies Kairi, breezily, "I thought that's what we were doing just now."
"Ha ha, very funny."
"Sorry."
Sora shakes his head. "No, it's fine. It's just... it's important."
"Is it about Riku?"
"How did you know?"
Kairi pulls her bangs down over her eyes. "Never underestimate my uncanny mental abilities," she intones dramatically, and then laughs. "No, actually, Selphie told me what happened today at lunch. The coupon, right?"
"Yeah."
"What are we going to do with that boy?"
Sora sighs. "Kairi..."
"I'm listening."
"Kairi," he says, "do you really want me to go out with you?"
Kairi takes a moment. There's a frown on her face, and Sora feels even more awkward than before. At the same time, he's glad she's at least taking the question seriously, rather than shrugging it off with a joke.
"No," she says, finally. "I don't, particularly." Then she shrugs. "I can't explain it. I like you, Sora, but when you came back - with Riku, too - well... I guess I feel like that was really all I needed."
"I'm going to see Riku tonight."
"Good idea."
"I'm going to..."
"Yeah. I know, Sora. "
Sora stands up, walks to the desk, and wraps his arms around her before she can say anything.
"They were real," he says, quietly. "I want you to know. I was serious. My feelings for you, they, they were real, okay? But, Kairi... this is real too."
With a smile on her face, Kairi returns the hug. Her arms are soft but surprisingly strong. "It's okay," she says. "I understand. He needs you more than I do." Then she grabs for her pencil and starts scribbling furiously. "Wait a second. I've got it!
'We are but divers in a sea of faith,
searching for pearls of wisdom in the night,
but surely all our doubts will pass away
as stars unveil the midnight sky with light...'"
"That sounds really good."
"Thanks! I think I've got it now."
Sora says "see you tomorrow" and turns to leave, but Kairi taps him on the shoulder.
"Sora," and she looks quiet, hopeful, "the three of us... will always be best friends, right? No matter what happens?"
"Of course," says Sora. He means it with all his heart.
Kairi smiles again. "Thanks, Sora."
xxx
Sora makes it out to the island shortly after an early dinner. He was hoping to be there before Riku, but when he gets to the beach, he sees that Riku's boat is already there.
Eventually he finds Riku in the beach shack, lying in the hammock in the corner. The curtains are drawn, but in such a way that the light from the setting sun seems to slice his face in half, leaving his eyes in shadow. His hands are crossed over his chest. Sora can't help but smile: he looks so ridiculously miserable, but at the same time, really cool. Typical of Riku.
"Hey," says Sora.
Riku jumps up at the sound of his voice. "Sora?" Then the hammock flips over, and he tumbles to the ground. Sora can't help but laugh. "Sure, go ahead," says Riku, somewhat grumpily. Then, "Shouldn't you be with Kairi about now?"
"I already said that we wouldn't go without you," says Sora. "What part of that do you not understand?"
Riku shrugs and picks himself up off the floor. "Well, excuse me for thinking you two might enjoy spending some time together."
Sora walks over to him, slowly. "Why do you want me to go out with Kairi so bad?"
"...I never said that."
"You've been setting us up for years."
"Yeah? So what if I have?" Riku's tone of voice is neutral, but he isn't looking at Sora. "Is it a crime to want people to be happy?"
"Riku," says Sora, "Riku, look at me."
Riku looks at him.
"Are you in love with me?"
Riku nods, just once.
"Yeah," he says. "Sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for."
"No, I-" Riku looks away. His voice is shaking a little bit. "I mean, I didn't particularly want you to know. I thought things would work out better that way."
Sora grabs his hand and holds it tightly. "What way? With you being unhappy?"
"Sora, I-"
But Riku doesn't get to finish his sentence, because Sora suddenly feels like he should probably kiss him, so he leans over and does it. It's the first time he can remember having kissed anyone before. It's surprisingly easy, and he likes it, but it only takes a few seconds for Riku to realize what's happening and break away.
"Please don't," says Riku, and now it's not just his voice that's shaking, his hand in Sora's is trembling. "You don't have to do that. It's okay. I don't need... I can live with it. It's no big deal, really. Please don't."
"I love you," says Sora.
Riku looks at him and doesn't say anything for a while. Then, very slowly, he says "Serious?"
"Of course serious. Why would I lie?"
"You're not just saying it because-"
"No, I'm not just saying it because. I mean it. I love you, Riku."
In an instant, Riku's arms are around him, hugging him so tightly he almost chokes. "Sora," he says, and then "Sora," again, and then he seems unable to speak at all.
After that, everything is easy.
Sora finally allows himself to look at Riku without feeling ashamed, and touch him without reserve, memorizing his body by feel. As frantic as his movements are, as full as his heart becomes, he feels strangely peaceful.
Riku, on the other hand, acts at first as though the whole thing is too good to be true. His breath grows ragged and he keeps asking "is this okay?" like Sora might change his mind at any moment.
"It's okay," says Sora finally, slightly hoarse. "Just shut up."
Riku laughs. It's a beautiful sound. "Okay, fine," he says, and kisses Sora, then moves his body up against him with an almost frightening intensity. Sora isn't scared, though. Everything is okay. Everything is just perfect.
When it's over he realizes that Riku might be crying, but he doesn't want to ask. He just holds his hand again.
xxx
"So, uh," says Sora at school the next morning, feeling a little bit sore but mostly smug, "guess what I did last night?"
"Oh my god," says Selphie, her mouth dropping open.
Tidus looks similarly shocked. "You and Kairi..."
Sora grins.
"Nope."
END