How NOT to Win the Affection of an Earth Female

BY Linda J

Rated: PG-13 for no other reason other than once yanked one of my best fics off this site for no good excuse and now I won't have characters in my stories do much more than hold hands! Well alright maybe a little kiss; but no tongues! That might offend someone and they'll report my story to the mighty lords who won't even bother to read the story for themselves; they'll just take my happy little story down that I worked so hard on and then they'll congratulate themselves for being so perfectly politically correct.

Summary; Zim is still trying to earn Gaz's allegiance and he'll do just about anything to get it. Just to let you know that I've begun to write this story line to reflect how I felt it should have gone or eventually would evolve into. Nothing too drastic I assure, but slightly noticeable to the hard core "stick to the storyline" fans.

Disclaimer: They ain't mine; I won't be making any money.

CH1

It was a day like any other except this day had been especially rough on the poor alien Zim. He walked into his fortress with his head hung low, feeling tired, frustrated and just a bit beaten. Gir who had been sitting quietly in front of the TV all day, (well as quietly as Gir can sit) watched his master come in the front door and the first thing he noticed was that his master was entirely covered with feathers. But before he could even open his mouth to speak, Zim growled, "Don't ask Gir; don't even ask!"

Zim said nothing else as he headed for the lower levels of his lair where he could wash himself clean. Gir shrugged his shoulders and returned to watching the TV, mindlessly flipping through the channels one by one for the next hour or so. When Zim resurfaced he was mostly clean, except for a few feathers that were sticking to the most uncomfortable places.

His latest scheme for world domination had been the most brilliant one he had thought of to date, or so he thought, but like all his other 'brilliant' plans it too failed; miserably. What was really ironic was that for Zim, laying the Earth in ruins and enslaving mankind was no longer really a mission; it had become more of his hobby by now. Yes, someday he will rule this disgusting stink hole of a planet with an iron fist, but since the Irken leaders had pretty much brushed him off making it clear to him that they weren't exactly interested in Earth right now, he decided for himself to make this his personal project. If he succeeded in world domination, good for him and if not, -well lets face it, for Zim there is no such thing as- "if not". Surely his next scheme would be even better than the last and even more surely it would not fail that is just as soon as he thought of it; but for now he felt like sitting down on the couch and watch some of this mindless TV. He sat there quietly watching but after a while he couldn't help but think about his persistent problem. "I don't understand it Gir, these humans are no match for my great intellect, nor can they even compare to my impressive craftiness, yet for some reason I can't find the key to mastering this race."

"You should try something new," Gir casually mentioned as he continued to eat handfuls of uncooked popcorn never looking away from the screen.

"Yes Gir," Zim sneered. "I figured that much out on my own. Now could you be so kind as to tell me what new thing I should try?"

Gir's cyan eyes brightened. "Try new and improved Sweat-tee. The sports drink made from real sweat."

Zim would have been infuriated by his robot's moronic comment if he hadn't become used to Gir's normally outrageously abnormal behavior by now. "Be quiet Gir, you're no help. What I should do is find someone new help me with my plans for world domination; like that sister of Dib's for instance I'm positive she would be most helpful in assisting me in world conquest. That is if she just wasn't so- scary."

Gir smiled at the thought. "Ooh Gaz, I like her." Zim quickly stiffened and shot Gir a jealous glare.

"Let me remind you Gir, we're here to enslave these filthy, disgusting hairless primates, not like them!" He then folded his arms over his chest, "Besides, she's too good for you."

It took a couple of moments for Gir to catch what Zim was saying and even a moment longer to catch what Zim had NOT said. The robot cracked a sly smile. "I didn't know you like her too!"

"Shut up!" Zim snapped angrily. "How dare you even consider such a vile and absurd idea!"

Gir stood up and began to dance around the room as he uncontrollably began to sing, "You li-ike her! You li-ike her!" Zim immediately began chasing him around the room ready to pound him into a pile of twisted wires and broken circuits!

"I will not stand for these insults Gir! I am your master, I AM ZIM! Now stop your insane rants this once." Gir's eyes turned bright red as he came to an abrupt stop, whirling around to face and salute his master only to have Zim run right into him with a smack, making the little green man fall backward onto his back.

"Um, yes then," Zim uttered dizzily. "Now let's return to this viewing the television. I, feel a headache coming on."

The two alien beings sat there content to watch a few of their favorite shows when a commercial came on of a man spraying on some aerosol all over his body only to have a bunch of women tackle him to he ground. "Hatchet body spray for men; when just no ordinary stench will do."

Zim's face brightened as he smiled wickedly. "This idiotic attempt to sell this fragrance item gives me an idea Gir. I knew these humans were incredibly low on the evolutionary scale but I didn't realize they could be controlled through scent. Perhaps I should get some of this body spray and see if this doesn't have some affect on Dib's scary sister."

"Can we buy some candy while we're out?" Gir happily chirped.

Zim sighed hopelessly. "Alright, but I don't want you throwing any used candy wrappers on the cruiser's floor again."