Disclaimer: Twilight, New Moon and all related elements © Stephenie Meyer and Little, Brown and Company 2005. All characters and situations—save those created by the author for use solely in this fan fiction—are copyright Stephenie Meyer and are used without permission. No profit is made off this story and is for entertainment purposes only.

A/N: I got tired of all the angsty one-shots I've been churning out lately.

oOo

Jacob Black Buys a New Pair of Socks

"I rather like these right here," said Jake, considering. "I mean, they look…stretchy."

"Stretchy's good," Embry nodded.

"Flexible."

"Bendy, if you will."

"Yeah. But they're polyester…"

"Aah, I gotcha man," mentioned Paul. "It doesn't breathe, right?"

"Right."

"My sister had some polyester socks once. They had hearts on them."

"These are black."

"Oh."

"Well, black's nice."

"Goes with everything, black does."

"You could get a nice blend," offered Embry.

"Hmm."

"If I were you, I'd be more worried about shoes," said Paul. "I mean, how many pairs you've gone through, now?"

Jake waved a dismissive hand. "I rather like these. And they come in packs!" He picked up a plastic package containing a plethora of white socks.

"As a pack, they are stronger," muttered Embry with deep werewolfy meaning, but he was ignored.

Suddenly, an ordinarily extraordinary (extraordinarily ordinary?) protagonist appeared from around the bend, moving at great speed towards them. Paul made little wiggling fang motions with his hand at her as she approached, but she took no notice.

"Hey guys!" cried Bella desperately, looking over her shoulder. "Hey, why is Paul under that counter?"

For indeed, Paul was.

"I don't know," Embry shrugged.

"Oh." That turn of events was paltry, compared to Bella's many, many issues. "Jake, I need your help!"

"Sort of busy, Bells," said Jake, waving a pair of socks at her. "What's wrong?"

"There's a strange guy who's following me," she said, looking over her shoulder again. The store seemed normal, customers milling about. Nobody suspicious. A little old lady picked up three v-neck shirts, dropped them back into small little piles and paddled down to the next rack. Two sales girls chattered to each other as they hung hangers. The boys looked askance at each other.

"Er, you sure?"

"Yes!"

A loud speaker beeped out that there was a special on Taylor blouses in the women's department.

"Really?"

"Look," Bella said, getting annoyed. "When isn't there something vaguely menacing and bloodthirsty out to get me?"

"Point. So, where's Edward," Jake finally said with a nasty glare, but already moving in front of Bella protectively. Nothing gettin' past this werewolf. Rarr.

"I left him at the Gap," Bella moaned mournfully. "There was a sale on cashmere sweaters."

"Aah," said Embry and Paul in unison. The vampire's one weakness.

"Isabella!"

Bella gave a frightened little squeak, and Jacob tightened his jaw. Paul patted her ankle reassuringly from his position underneath the counter.

Suddenly, a tall, rather gorgeous man rounded the corner. He looked about Bella's age, his blond wavy hair wafting stylishly behind him. The man moved gracefully, almost liquidly towards them. When he came close enough, Jacob realized his eyes were a carefully flecked shade of vibrant blues and greens.

"Isabella!" the man said desperately, "I need to talk to you! Only you can help me!"

"Go away!" she yelled.

"You must help me!"

"No I don't!"

"You must! You, of all the very ordinary, run-of-the-mill humans, alone have the incredibly astonishing powers to help me!

"What?"

The man struck a classic pose, his chest muscles rippling. His skin was pale, almost translucent with a faint blue sheen that was just matte enough emanating from him. "I, Adrien, the heir of my tribe, am bound, tragically, to the ancient curse of my people…"

"Been there, done that," Jake dismissed.

"Oh," the man seemed to deflate. "Well…you see…I'm a…" he paused, spreading his hands, and threw his head back dramatically. "I'm a merman."

Somewhere, a very metaphorical cricket chirped.

"Huh," said Embry.

"So?" Bella retorted, slowly peering out from behind Jacob. Adrien looked annoyed.

"But I'm a merman!" he shouted, perplexed. "Shouldn't we be developing a complex, meaningful and yet tragic relationship right now?"

"Er…no thanks?" Bella said, puzzled.

"Goddammit," said Adrien the Merman.

There was an awkward pause all round, as the quirky company tried sort out what to do next. And then Paul (having crept out from under the counter) hit the superfluous merman over the head with a sale sign.

He went down with a wet thump.

"Wow," said Paul. "50 percent off of Fruit of Loom."

"Really?" asked Jake.

Bella sniffled.

"That's all right, you're safe now," said Embry practically. "Paul killed him."

"I knew I'd be all right!" she said passionately. "Oh, Edward!"

The three boys looked at each other.

"Er, no, actually," Paul said finally.

"Huh?" Jacob was succinct as always.

"The voice said it'd be fine," she said vaguely. "It saved me!"

"Er, no again, actually."

Bella clasped her hand to her heaving breast. "O, speak again, bright angel!" She whispered.

"Bella?"

"Hush," she said impatiently. "Where's something sharp? The voice will talk to me again."

Embry and Paul exchanged glances that clearly said something along the lines of "this bitch is crazy".

Naturally, Edward then decided to make his opportune entrance.

"Bella!" he cried, his angelic features twisting into an angelic mask of angelic worry. "What's happened to you? I should have been here to protect you! Oh noes!"

"Oh, Rom- Edward!" cried Bella, melodramatically throwing herself into his strong vampire arms. "Don't ever leave me! You love me! I love you! We love each other! Love love love love love!"

Jacob, who was squished rather awkwardly between them, muffled, "Loomph."

"Bella," Edward said, pulling gracefully out of the embrace after a few minutes, "I should never have left."

"No," she whispered, "I know you had to go. There was a sale."

"Yes," he said tenderly, looking angelically pained. "But never again. At least not until Thanksgiving weekend sales, that is."

"Hey look Bells!" cried Jake, trying to distract her. "I'm buying these socks! They're stretchy, and they've got this string…"

"That's nice, Jake." Bella patted his head dreamily.

"But…"

"Come on, Bella," said Edward magnanimously, stepping elegantly over Adrien the Merman. "I'll take you someplace safe."

"Oh, Edward," Bella sighed. She turned towards Jacob again and smiled. "Thanks for the help, and stuff. Byeeeeee."

She glided off, arm in arm with the vampire.

Jake looked at his package of socks.

"Goddammit," he said.