The
Addams Family
History
Scene 1; Outside the Addams' mansion.
The whole place is quiet, dark, and no lights are on in the house. Suddenly, a grandfather clock is heard chiming midnight, Gomez and Morticia's bedroom light switches on and Gomez's voice is heard shouting.
GOMEZ
Morticia, my love, our day has arrived.
Cut to the inside of their bedroom, Morticia is sat up on the bed, Gomez is standing by the foot of the bed.
MORTICIA
Yes Gomez darling, the anniversary of our exchanging of vows.
He climbs onto the bed and sits next to her.
GOMEZ
We have been wed for twenty years.
MORTICIA
And what a splendid twenty years they have been. Not once have I looked back and regretted.
GOMEZ
And the flame is still as strong as ever.
MORTICIA
Our love still as interrupted as ever.
They are about to kiss when a baby is heard crying in the next room.
MORTICIA
Ah, the sweet sound of our son in his early years of torture. The sweet reminder of our never-ending love for each other.
She gets up to leave the room.
MORTICIA
Wait for me Gomez.
GOMEZ
Always.
She leaves the room. Gomez takes a rose from the top of a bedside cabinet, bites off the flower, spits it out, and puts the stem in his mouth (as is he is dancing the tango) and turns to face the door. Wednesday (about the same age as she was at the end of Addams Family Values) enters.
WEDNESDAY
The baby woke me.
GOMEZ
Well go back to sleep, else the boogie man won't come and get you.
WEDNESDAY
I'm too old for the boogie man.
GOMEZ
You are never too old for the boogie man.
Morticia enters with a 2 year old Pubert in her arms.
MORTICIA
Tonight must be one of those restless nights.
GOMEZ
It is soon to become even more restless.
MORTICIA
As it was twenty years ago.
WEDNESDAY
Twenty years ?
MORTICIA
The night your father and I were married. I still remember the exact minute. The witching hour.
GOMEZ
While all our ancestors rose to the occasion.
MORTICIA
You remember all of it too !
GOMEZ
In all it's gory.
Gomez and Morticia make eyes at each other, while Wednesday looks fed up.
WEDNESDAY
Should I leave ?
MORTICIA (still looking at Gomez)
Yes, and take Pubert with you.
She hands her the baby. Wednesday exits, and Morticia gets back onto the bed with Gomez.
MORTICIA
Where were we, monsieur ?
GOMEZ
Tish, that's French !
He starts kissing up her arm.
MORTICIA
Control yourself, Gomez.
GOMEZ
Why should I control myself ? How can I control myself when you're around ?
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, we have all night.
GOMEZ
Then let's make the most of it.
MORTICIA
Shall we ?
GOMEZ
Oh Tish, that's sometimes French you know !
He starts kissing her again.
MORTICIA
This obsession with French is starting to get out of hand. Carry on.
GOMEZ
Tish, I'd rather reminisce about the first time we set eyes on each other.
MORTICIA
Wouldn't you rather reminisce about later on that day...
GOMEZ
Oh you devil.
They are about to kiss when Uncle Fester enters.
FESTER
Gomez, Morticia ! Happy anniversary !
GOMEZ
Fester, the old man, you remembered !
FESTER
Of course I remembered ! But I'm keeping your big present until next year.
MORTICIA
What's happening next year ?
FESTER
Don't you remember, next year you'll have been married for twenty years !!
GOMEZ
As we have this year.
Fester looks puzzled for a few seconds, and then realises his mistake.
FESTER
Of course. Would you excuse me for a second ?
GOMEZ
We'll excuse you for a minute.
MORTICIA
Ten minutes even.
Gomez and Morticia look at each other as Fester exits.
GOMEZ
Oh dark, succulent amore, how glad I am to have felt you.
MORTICIA
Just a second darling.
She puts her hand to his mouth and listens, the whole place is quiet.
MORTICIA
Do you hear that ?
GOMEZ (Starting to kiss up her arm)
I hear nothing.
MORTICIA
No sounds of the children playing, no sound of Granmama cooking. Not even the electric chair's buzz or the lion's purr.
GOMEZ
Nothing.
MORTICIA
No interference.
GOMEZ
We are left with each other and the night.
They are about to kiss when a huge noise of the organ playing the death march comes from downstairs.
GOMEZ
Who died ?!
MORTICIA
Gomez, dear. Nobody died. Lurch is remembering our wedding.
GOMEZ
Of course. And the genius you were to think of burying your uncle and marrying on the same day.
MORTICIA
What better way of making sure our relatives would remember ?
Granmama enters.
GRANMAMA
My dearest children !
She hugs both of them
GRANMAMA
It sends shivers down my spine that you both have been married for twenty years.
MORTICIA
Thank you Granmama, it still haunts me too.
GRANMAMA
And as a special treat, I have something for you.
She gets out a small package wrapped in tissue, she slowly unwraps it.
GOMEZ
You didn't need to cook anything Granmama.
GRANMAMA
Oh, I haven't cooked anything. But twenty years ago, I promised to keep one slice for you two to enjoy on your twentieth anniversary.
She finally unwraps it, and shows it (green with mould) to the two.
MORTICIA
Our wedding cake !
GRANMAMA
Enjoy !
Gomez and Morticia look at each other lovingly.
Scene 2; The downstairs living room
Lurch is playing the organ with Thing turning the pages on his copy, while Pugsley is carving kitchen knives as Gomez, Morticia and Granmama walk down the stairs each eating the moulded cake.
GOMEZ
Bravo Lurch ! Encore, Encore !!
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, isn't this perfect ? Both of us together, beautiful music playing in the background and the taste of our wedding cake still fresh in our mouths.
Pugsley runs towards them
MORTICIA
Pugsley darling, you're up !
PUGSLEY
Yes, I wanted to...
GOMEZ
I bet you don't know what day it is...
PUGSLEY
Yes, I do.
GOMEZ
I don't mean Monday or Tuesday. It's our twentieth wedding anniversary.
PUGSLEY
I know ! That's why I sharpened those knives for you. You always like sharp knives on your anniversary.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, we've brought him up so well.
GOMEZ
Yes, and it's all down to your motherly instincts.
MORTICIA
Oh but it was you who taught him the true values of death and torture.
GRANMAMA
It seems to me like you were the perfect couple.
MORTICIA
Yes. It was all a team effort.
GOMEZ
As was everything in our marriage.
They stare lovingly at each other.
PUGSLEY
Can I have a piece of cake ?
Granmama puts her arm around him.
GRANMAMA
You can have the rest of my piece, let your parents torture each other in peace.
They walk to the other side of the room.
GOMEZ
Your eyes sparkle like the brightest fire in hell.
MORTICIA
And my blood is bubbling like cauldron full of poison when I think of our love.
Wednesday walks downstairs with an axe in her hand.
WEDNESDAY
The baby won't sleep.
MORTICIA
Have you tried singing to him ?
WEDNESDAY
Yes.
MORTICIA
Have you tried bouncing him up and down ?
WEDNESDAY
Yes.
MORTICIA
Have you threatened him that if he doesn't go to sleep you'll electrocute him ?
WEDNESDAY
Yes.
MORTICIA
Did he sleep ?
WEDNESDAY
No.
MORTICIA
Then electrocute him darling. It always works for me. He's out for hours.
Wednesday walks back upstairs.
GOMEZ
She needs to learn a few things from you before she starts having children.
MORTICIA
Don't ! Once she has a baby, I have to sleep with a grandfather !
The lights flicker off and then back on. Gomez and Morticia smile at each other, and Wednesday comes back downstairs.
WEDNESDAY
He's asleep. Morbid anniversary parents.
She gives them a package, they open it up to reveal two carved dolls, both headless - the Morticia doll holding a knife in one hand and Gomez's head in the other, the Gomez doll doing the same with Morticia's head.
MORTICIA
Wednesday darling ! How thoughtful. We love them.
GOMEZ
And they look very realistic !
Thing comes up to them and hands them a card.
MORTICIA
Why thing. How thoughtful.
She opens the envelope to reveal two snails crawling out.
GOMEZ
Thing ! And they're French.
They both pick one snail up and feed it to the other.
Granmama walks back towards them.
GRANMAMA
Those are just a little taster. You'll get the rest of the presents in the party tonight.
MORTICIA
Mama. What more could we possibly ask for ?
GOMEZ
Besides some time alone.
MORTICIA
Gomez, this is a time for the family.
GOMEZ
Halloween and an exorcism are times for the family. Anniversaries are a time for a couple.
WEDNESDAY
What are you going to do to celebrate ?
Morticia looks at Gomez
MORTICIA
I was thinking about... the swamp.
GOMEZ
Just like our tenth anniversary !
MORTICIA
And our fifth.
GOMEZ
And last week.
MORTICIA
And yesterday.
They stare at each other lovingly.
PUGSLEY
How old were you when you both met ?
WEDNESDAY
You've ruined the atmosphere. Now you must be punished.
She picks up an axe.
MORTICIA
Now Wednesday, what have we told you about playing with axes ? Only do it in the privacy of your own rooms or in front of guests. Now Pugsley, what's bothering you ?
PUGSLEY
It's just that I'm thirteen now, and I still haven't found a girl who likes me.
GOMEZ
You will. In time. When I first saw your mother, it was like lightning.
WEDNESDAY
Was that literal lightning ?
MORTICIA
In a way dear. I was grieving at my Great Aunt Fauna's funeral. Your father was there for the thrill. Both he and Fester attempted to bring her back to life with lightning.
WEDNESDAY
Interesting. (turns to face Pugsley) Pugsley ?
Pugsley swallows nervously.
PUGSLEY
Mum ? Did the lightning bring the dead person back ?
MORTICIA
No. It had no chance of working, she was already on her third heart and after 200 years your body can't really handle life any more. You have to find another. Aunt Fauna never was any good at choosing bodies.
Flashback to:
Scene 3; A Graveyard.
It's a stormy night. Many people, including a younger-looking Morticia and a scared priest are gathered around an open grave which has an open coffin (holding Aunt Fauna) in it. Younger Gomez (who has his back to Morticia) and Fester are in the grave plugging Aunt Fauna up with many cables. Gomez looks towards Fester.
GOMEZ
Is the storm strong enough ?
FESTER
Yes it is.
GOMEZ
Shall we ?
FESTER
Of course.
PRIEST
Then by the power of...
GOMEZ
Not you; (pointing to Fester) him. You're Plan B.
Fester connects two cables together and then holds up a long piece of metal (an aerial). All of the crowd watch in amazement as lightning hits the aerial, and runs through Fester and the cables. We see Aunt Fauna shaking with the current, and then follow the cables to show that they are twisted around the priest's foot. He is also shaking. The current stops, and the graveyard goes completely silent, everyone watching the body in the coffin.
PRIEST (In a female's voice)
What is everyone looking at ? I believe you were all here to see me ?!
The whole crowd look up to the priest, and then at each other.
CROWD MEMBER
Aunt Fauna ?
PRIEST
Yes it's me. Now can we go bury this woman and go home.
MORTICIA
That woman is you.
PRIEST
After 150 years, you get bored of the same old body. I fancied a change.
'She' looks down at 'herself'.
PRIEST
But this dress seriously has to go.
Fester slams the coffin shut.
FESTER
Another job well done.
GOMEZ
I don't know. I'd rather kill than bring to life. I don't know, dead people are more interesting. More...
He turns and seen Morticia.
GOMEZ (Mesmerised)
...pale and attractive.
Morticia smiles.
MORTICIA
Some say it's a gift.
GOMEZ
J'adore toi.
MORTICIA
You speak French, monsieur.
GOMEZ
The language of love.
Morticia starts climbing down into the grave with him.
MORTICIA
Monsieur, your features attract me.
GOMEZ
As do your dark, mysterious eyes.
Fester starts shooing the onlookers away.
FESTER
You lot, get out of here. You've already seen one show, be happy.
The priest turns towards him.
PRIEST
Fester, right ?
FESTER
Yes, and I believe that you're Fauna.
PRIEST
Yes I am. Would you like to join me ?
FESTER
Where are you going.
PRIEST
To my house. I always have a little party after being buried.
The Priest holds his/her arm out to Fester, who puts his arm through it.
FESTER
Thank you. I think they'll need some privacy.
PRIEST
You're not an exorcist, are you ?
FESTER
No.
PRIEST
Then let's go.
They walk off, following the others. Cut back to Gomez and Morticia.
MORTICIA
Your body is a magnet to mine.
GOMEZ
Tease me no more ! I am yours for all eternity.
MORTICIA
Like two vultures sharing their prey, we shall share our lives.
GOMEZ
Until the day we die.
MORTICIA
And more !
As they start kissing madly, fade back to:
Scene 4; The Present Day (Continued)
GOMEZ
Ah, that first night together in a grave. The first of many to come.
MORTICIA
Your father proposed to me that night, and we've never been apart since.
Fester enters the room.
FESTER
Talking about what happened twenty years ago ?
GOMEZ
Not quite. We were talking about the first time we met.
FESTER
Of course. That funeral. Poor aunt Fauna. I never saw her after that night. The story of my life.
GOMEZ
Old man ! We didn't see you after that night for twenty five years !!
FESTER
Well we'd had that falling out over the twins a few weeks before, and then seeing you finding love immediately afterwards while I was older but still single. It broke my already stitched-up heart.
MORTICIA
Poor Fester, he never did have much luck in love.
GOMEZ
He's had more girlfriends than you can count on the teeth of a shark.
WEDNESDAY
But now he grows old bitter and lonely.
GOMEZ
Yes. Just like old times.
FESTER
Well you two nearly didn't get married.
MORTICIA
I know. What a fool I was to doubt you, Gomez.
GOMEZ
You were no fool. I left the trap right open so you'd walk straight into it. But for a change, you didn't enjoy the experience.
FESTER
What exactly happened ?
GOMEZ
It was at my stab night.
FESTER
Your stab night ?! You had a stab night without me ?!
GOMEZ
I'm sorry old man. We thought you were dead.
FESTER
You could have still tried to contact me.
GOMEZ
We did.
GRANMAMA
I came over three nights in a row to try and contact you. We ran out of candles by the end, and we never even heard a word from you. All we got was some man saying something about a hound-dog.
MORTICIA
We thought it was you for a while, but then we realised that he was saying "You ain't nothing but a hound dog" rather than "You ATE nothing buta hound dog" and we realised it couldn't have been you. You're not a hound-dog.
PUGSLEY
What happened on the stab night ?!
MORTICIA
You're too young to hear about it, Pugsley dear. You too, Wednesday. Now to make a mess in your rooms.
WEDNESDAY + PUGSLEY (Bored)
Yes Mother.
MORTICIA
And I want then in a shambles by the time we come up, else I'll tidy them up and you'll have to do it all again.
The Children exit the room, but stop outside the door and listen to the conversation.
GOMEZ
Cousin Itt had arranged the whole do for me.
FESTER
Cousin Itt was your best man ?!!
GOMEZ
Morticia was supposedly at her mother's graveyard, having her own party arranged by cousin Melancholy.
Flashback to:
Scene 5; Gomez's Stab night
Many deformed men are sat around the room. Gomez is saying goodbye to Morticia, dressed up.
GOMEZ
I hope you have a nice time, dear.
MORTICIA
Gomez ! Why hope for such an awful thing ?!
GOMEZ
I'm sorry. It's just the thought of being apart for so long.
MORTICIA
I know. Three hours is almost more than I can take.
They kiss. As they won't let go of each other, Cousin Melancholia and a group of men tear them apart.
GOMEZ
Oh well. I'll see you at the witching hour. Make sure you don't take care of her, Melancholia.
MELANCHOLIA
Don't worry, Gomez. She'll be at the altar in one piece.
GOMEZ
Oh well, the dream of having two pieces to have fun with was good while it lasted.
MELANCHOLIA
Come on now Tisha, you have a big night ahead of you.
She almost drags her out of the room, with Gomez still holding her hand. They exit, but Morticia runs back in.
MORTICIA
Gomez ! Remember what I said; NO RIPPERS !
GOMEZ
You have my word. I don't want naked, blood-hungry women spoiling the party.
Cousin Melancholia comes back in and pushes Morticia out.
MELANCHOLIA
Bye bye Gomez.
They shut the door, and all the men start cheering. A man with three arms (Sergeant Gloom) and Cousin Itt come up to Gomez.
SERGEANT GLOOM
Don't worry, Gomez. I'll make sure this is more fun than I had while I was in the army.
GOMEZ
Thank you Mr. Gloom !
SERGEANT GLOOM
Gomez, we're old friends. Call me Sergeant Gloom
GOMEZ
Well thank you Sergeant Gloom. You mean we're going to kill people with grenades AND run over them with tanks ?!!
SERGEANT GLOOM
Oh no, better than that.
Cousin Itt makes some ununderstandable reply.
GOMEZ
Really ?
SERGEANT GLOOM
And your cousin Itt should know.
Raunchy music starts playing, as two girls in heavy coats enter the room, dancing sexily. Cousin Itt squeaks in delight.
SERGEANT GLOOM
Here's your wedding present, Gomez.
GOMEZ
No. Morticia warned me not to have any rippers at the party. She'll tear my heart out !
SERGEANT GLOOM
Would that be so bad ?
Gomez puts on an 'actually, it wouldn't' look. One of the two women walks up to him, and pushes him down onto a chair. Gomez protests, but the rest of the guys cheer. With the music, the ripper starts pulling out knives from her coat's pockets. Each one she pulls out gets bigger, and with each one the crowd scream and cheer more. The ripper finally gets a very big knife out and starts rubbing Gomez's throat with it. Gomez is by now trying his best not to enjoy it.
The front door slams open, and Morticia enters.
MORTICIA
And one more thing...
She sees the ripper, starts sobbing, and runs out. Gomez pushes the ripper on the floor and runs after Morticia. He finally reaches her outside on the patio.
MORTICIA
Why, Gomez ? Why did you do that ?
GOMEZ
I was a stupid fool.
MORTICIA
But I asked you not to !
GOMEZ
Which only proves how stupid I was.
MORTICIA
How could you ? How could you let that creature in there hurt you ?! You know that's my job ! As a married couple, we're meant to only hurt each other.
GOMEZ
There's nothing I can say, Tish, except that I'm sorry. And that any pain that she inflicted on me in there wasn't half as intense or enjoyable as the pain you've given me over the years. I could never love anyone as much as I love you, Tish.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez. Maybe I'm making a big fuss over nothing. It just hurt me - in the wrong way.
GOMEZ
If I apologise one more time, can I be forgiven ?
MORTICIA
What would you do if I had a male ripper at my party ?
GOMEZ
I... I wouldn't have been happy.
MORTICIA
Exactly. That's exactly how I feel. Gomez, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to put you through the pain and torture my mother put my father through.
GOMEZ
And I'm the same !
MORTICIA
Are you sure ?
GOMEZ
Yes.
MORTICIA
Are you sure the whole thing isn't just a game for you ?
GOMEZ
Of course it is. But you're the only part of my life which is serious.
Morticia smiles.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez. No matter how many times you broke my heart, you couldn't destroy the feelings I have for you within it.
GOMEZ
Oh Tish.
They hug.
GOMEZ
Let's get married now.
MORTICIA
What ?
GOMEZ
Let's get married right now; just the two of us. No-one to spoil it.
MORTICIA
Would the vicar be willing to do it now ?
GOMEZ
Of course ! He can just postpone the funeral.
MORTICIA
But all of our family. They've all come here to see us wed.
GOMEZ
They've all come to see the wedding and the funeral. You know our families enjoy funerals most anyway. And it's not like they'll never get to come to our funerals.
MORTICIA
You're so clever. But what about witnesses ?
GOMEZ
We can wake a few people in the cemetery. You know they're dying to get out of their graves.
There's a short silence.
GOMEZ
What do you say ?
MORTICIA
I say let's do it. But let's make our way to the church through the swamp. We can't let cousin Melancholia see us.
They both kiss, and make their way around the corner of the house. Cousin Melancholia runs onto the patio looking for Morticia.
MELANCHOLIA
Morticia ?!
She looks upstairs at Gomez and Morticia's room.
MELANCHOLIA (to herself, smiling)
Morticia, I think you'll be more than just a minute.
Fade back to:
Scene 6; The Present day
FESTER
Wasn't anyone mad that you did that ?
MORTICIA
Not really. They all had their party after the funeral, so they got what they came for.
GOMEZ
Besides, we found an artist buried in the graveyard, and he painted our wedding photos for a very reasonable price.
MORTICIA (Looking at Fester)
A body.
Pugsley's giggle is heard from around the corner, followed by a slap.
MORTICIA
Children ?
They both walk sheepishly into the room.
MORTICIA
You listened in on our conversation ?
GOMEZ
Tish, they're learning fast.
The doorbell screams.
GOMEZ
Who could that be as late as this ?
WEDNESDAY
Maybe it's the boogie man.
MORTICIA
Then answer it quickly Gomez. If it is him, we can't let this chance pass.
GOMEZ
I'll miss you.
MORTICIA
I miss you already.
Gomez walks towards the door and opens it. There is no-one there. Gomez steps out to look around, and on his way back to the house he notices a note in front of the door made out to Morticia and Gomez. He picks up the letter and takes it back into the living room.
MORTICIA
What was it, darling ?
GOMEZ
I don't know what it was. But whatever it was left a note.
MORTICIA
Let me see.
She takes the note and smells it.
MORTICIA
Gomez.
GOMEZ
I had a feeling it was...
MORTICIA
It is.
The place goes completely quiet.
FESTER
Are you two lovers willing to share a secret ?
MORTICIA
It was on our honeymoon. We were lying in what they used to call 'no man's land' during a war in France. You know what they say about France; how romantic it is. The bombs, the shooting, the grenades.
GOMEZ
It was a perfect honeymoon.
Flashback to:
Scene 7; A battlefield
Gomez and Morticia are lying down next to each other as all kinds of weapons and bullets are shooting over them. They're hugging and kissing as the place suddenly becomes quiet. They stop.
MORTICIA
What happened ? I was enjoying the atmosphere.
GOMEZ
Don't let the atmosphere stop us.
They start kissing again as a shadow appears above them and drops a note onto them. They look up as the shadow starts walking away.
MORTICIA
Gomez, who is that ? He's frightening me. Get his address so we can book him for parties.
Gomez opens up the note and reads.
GOMEZ
"Three siblings take 20 years then death"
MORTICIA
Is that all it says ?
GOMEZ
That's all it says.
MORTICIA
Doesn't it give any of the gory details concerning the death ?
Fade back to:
Scene 8; The Present Day (Continued)
MORTICIA
All the predictions so far have been true. We have three children.
GOMEZ
And we have been married for twenty years.
MORTICIA
Which is partly why we're so excited about this anniversary. We know death, together, is nearby.
GOMEZ
And now this note has arrived. Proof that we're not the only ones who remember.
Gomez opens up the note and reads.
GOMEZ
"A few more hours"
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez. This is our last night with our family. After this we'll burn in the midst of hell together.
GOMEZ
I know. I'm excited too.
MORTICIA
All our years of loving, haunting, torturing. Everything is over.
GRANMAMA
Then you should tell your children all they need to know about their history before it's too late, and the Addams have a long forgotten past.
MORTICIA
You're right granmama. Children, before your father and I are buried six feet underground in a grave of love, what do you want to know ?
WEDNESDAY
How do you sink a knife deep into someone's body without hitting the vital organs ?
PUGSLEY
How can I lose weight ?
WEDNESDAY
That's what I was trying to find out too.
Pugsley swallows nervously.
GOMEZ
Children, you can learn those things from your mistakes. You can't learn about your family's history in that way.
WEDNESDAY
Couldn't we dig them up ?
MORTICIA
Wednesday. Once we're dead, you know that your father and I want to rest in peace. Together. Forever. Alone. Rotting.
GOMEZ
Precisely. You can learn about your ancestors by digging them up. They don't mind. But your mother and I see the afterlife as a time to spend together. That's why I think granmama's right. We should tell you everything about your histories. Before it's too late.
WEDNESDAY
When Uncle Fester dies, we can still dig him up, can't we ?
FESTER
Of course you can ! That's what I want ! I want to be able to see you two grow up and make the same mistakes that I made.
WEDNESDAY
Then tell me mother. Why did you have us ?
GOMEZ
We didn't plan...
MORTICIA
Gomez. Wednesday darling, we always wanted children. Someone to share your days with. Someone to make your life worthwhile. That's why we were both thrilled to move in here after we got married. The house was empty. Your grandparents had just bought and moved into an old unused mine-shaft in Wales in the United Kingdom, and Fester was nowhere to be seen.
FESTER
I was in the Bermuda Triangle suffering from amnesia.
MORTICIA
We had the house all to ourselves, which was fine at first. But it was a lonely place.
GOMEZ
We only had each other, the bats and the food, before we cooked it, to keep us company.
MORTICIA
That's when I took up gardening.
GOMEZ
And it helped a little. But not enough.
MORTICIA
And then, I found out I was expecting.
Flashback to:
Scene 9: The Addams Mansion 17 years earlier.
Gomez is having a sword-fight, but when the camera zooms out we see that the other sword is held by one of Morticia's plants. He stands back, looking bored. Morticia runs through to him.
MORTICIA
Gomez darling !
GOMEZ
Tish ! How did everything go at the... (he makes a "" sign with his fingers) doctor's.
MORTICIA
The usual. He threw up twice, and he still doesn't like the trick I play on him with the scalpel. But I have news. We don't only have each other any longer, we shall soon have someone else to love and torture.
She puts her hand on her belly.
GOMEZ
Karamia, is it true ?!
MORTICIA
Oui, monsieur.
They start kissing madly. We hear older Morticia's voice.
MORTICIA (voice)
A few months later, I was rushed to the hospital.
We see Morticia on a hospital trolley and Gomez running beside her, handcuffed together, down a hospital corridor. Fade back to:
Scene 10; The Present Day (Continued)
MORTICIA
It was the best day of my life, giving birth to little Wednesday. I'll never forget the pain I felt as she was being delivered. It was so good, I couldn't wait to do it again.
WEDNESDAY
Why call me Wednesday then ?
GOMEZ
Honey ! According to the doctor, that's what you are !
Flashback to:
Scene 11; The Hospital Ward
Morticia is lying in a bed, with Gomez sat next to her holding her hand, and baby Wednesday is a home-made, wooden crib at the end of the bed. There are some weird details (such as flower stems in a vase) and such around Morticia. The doctor is examining Wednesday while the nurse fills in the birth certificate. The nurse isn't paying attention to the conversation.
DOCTOR
Everything seems pretty normal, Mr Addams.
GOMEZ
Did you hear that, Tish ?
MORTICIA
How many legs does she have, doctor ?
DOCTOR
Erm... two.
GOMEZ
And eyes ?
DOCTOR
Also two.
MORTICIA
Well, what species would you say she is then, Doctor ?
The doctor turns to the nurse, looking very puzzled regarding the last question by Morticia. The nurse suddenly turns towards him.
NURSE (Without Morticia and Gomez hearing)
What day is it, Doctor ?
The doctor looks at his watch, as Gomez and Morticia still wait for an answer to their question.
DOCTOR
It's a Wednesday.
MORTICIA
Oh ! Did you hear that Gomez ? It's a Wednesday !
GOMEZ
I've never heard of that Species before. It must be very rare.
MORTICIA
Which makes her so much more special. A Wednesday.
GOMEZ
The first ever Wednesday in the Addams Family.
Both the doctor and the nurse look very confused.
DOCTOR
Well, if you'll both excuse me. I have a lot of babies to see.
GOMEZ
Wait a second. For your troubles.
Gomez puts a wad of money in the doctor's hand.
DOCTOR
Well how very generous of you Mr Addams. I was just doing my job.
GOMEZ
Wait a second, there's a bit more.
Gomez struggles to get something out of his pocket as the doctor looks very pleased.
GOMEZ
Here you go.
Gomez puts a bloody organ in the doctor's other hand.
GOMEZ
In case you ever need a donor.
The doctor looks as if he's about to throw up, and runs off, while the nurse faints. Gomez walks back to Morticia, who is by now holding little Wednesday.
GOMEZ
Well, they were pleased.
Morticia smiles, and puts a very sharp dummy in Wednesday's mouth. Fade back to:
Scene 12; The Present Day (Continued)
PUGSLEY
Where was Lurch when this was all happening ?
Lurch groans and looks up.
GOMEZ
Pugsley, he was one of your Uncle Fester's experiments !
FESTER
He sure was. But I didn't quite get to finish him before I disappeared.
GOMEZ
Exactly. You finished everything, but you couldn't get him to work.
FESTER
I'd been working for years.
During Fester's speech, there are clips of him, younger, putting Lurch together piece by piece.
FESTER
His mother had come to me after he died, asking me to bring her son back to life. I couldn't turn her down, but I knew it was an impossible talk.
GOMEZ
It had never stopped you before, old man.
FESTER
I worked day and night, using body parts that I got my hands on after car accidents or even after breaking into the local hospital, collecting good organs to replace the old, worn out ones Lurch had in his body. I had to get the heart from the graveyard as no-one I asked was willing to donate theirs. Everything was perfect. I had given him a new, larger body, his arms were stronger, and he had bigger hands so he could be a better worker. Actually, the hands were an afterthought.
The children look at Lurch's hands.
FESTER
All that was left to do was to jump-start his heart, but his mother was away, and she wanted to be there when he was brought back to life, so I froze him in the basement.
PUGSLEY
Cool.
MORTICIA
Pugsley, darling, I'm sure it was freezing.
GOMEZ
And then I met Tish and you disappeared.
WEDNESDAY
Is that the shortened version ?
PUGSLEY
Where did Lurch's old body pieces go ?
GOMEZ
Lurch, could you get us all a drink please ?
Lurch, unwillingly, goes through to another room.
FESTER
Most of them were buried in our cemetery.
GRANMAMA (Eating a piece of meat)
Except for the few which I got my hands on !
FESTER
And his right hand was frozen with him.
GOMEZ
Precisely.
FESTER
You see, once I froze his body, I was bored. Explosives were expensive, and the police were starting to get suspicious. Therefore, I had to make some entertainment.
GOMEZ (To Wednesday)
To take his mind off the love that he'd just lost.
FESTER
So I started operating on his right hand.
WEDNESDAY
How exciting.
FESTER
Oh it was.
PUGSLEY
Did it work ?
Wednesday looks at him as if to say 'you idiot', while Thing jumps onto Uncle Fester's shoulder.
MORTICIA
Children, haven't you ever wondered how Lurch and Thing work so closely together ?
GOMEZ
Anyway, we found both Lurch and Thing frozen in the basement, and as the housework was getting harder with little Wednesday crawling around the place, we unfroze them, and sent an electric current through both.
MORTICIA
They started working immediately, and became not only friends but servants aswell.
GOMEZ
After that, we had help in the house, and more company.
MORTICIA
But it still wasn't the same, was it darling ?
GOMEZ
No. The empty rooms were just praying for the sweet sound of screaming and the sweet smell of burning flesh.
MORTICIA
We decided to have another baby. But Pugsley's birth was more normal than Wednesday's.
Flashback to:
Scene 13; The Addams' Basement
Gomez is looking around the place, while Morticia is rocking a large bird-cage (containing baby Wednesday).
MORTICIA
What are you looking for honey ?
GOMEZ
The key to Fester's laboratory.
MORTICIA
I'm still willing to go through all of that pain again, Gomez.
GOMEZ
Why should you have all the fun ?!
MORTICIA
You can come in again, and I'll squeeze your hand tighter this time.
GOMEZ
You can do that anyway, and I'll squeeze yours. In the meantime, we have a baby to make.
He walks away from her and keeps looking in the cupboard. Morticia starts talking to Wednesday.
MORTICIA
And do you want a little brother or sister Wednesday darling ?
Wednesday stabs Morticia in her finger with her dummy.
MORTICIA
You devil.
She starts sucking the blood out of her finger.
MORTICIA
Gomez, this one is learning fast. She's already into violence and torture.
GOMEZ
All down to your motherly instincts.
MORTICIA
Just think. In a few months, we should have another child to play with. Just imagine; two screaming, helpless, defenceless children roaming the corridors. Lurch will have more work than he can handle !
GOMEZ
Found it !
MORTICIA
Sorry darling ?
GOMEZ
I've found the key to Fester's laboratory.
MORTICIA
Couldn't we have just used the shoots ?
GOMEZ
No, I'm saving those until later.
Leaving Wednesday behind, they walk towards a disguised door in the corner of the small basement. Gomez sticks the key into a hole in the 'wall', and it opens. Gomez enters, but Morticia runs back, and 'rings' the bell. Lurch, with thing on his shoulder come down to the basement.
MORTICIA
Lurch, look after Wednesday please. If she starts screaming, give her a treat. I've been trying to train her that way. Thing, Gomez may need your help through in the other room; you have easy entry to small places.
Thing jumps onto her hand, and, leaving Lurch and Wednesday behind, they walk through to Fester's laboratory.
Scene 14; Fester's basement
They enter, and Gomez is already starting to work.
MORTICIA
What are you doing, darling ?
GOMEZ
Making babies.
MORTICIA
Without me ?
She walks towards him, and places thing on the table in front of him. She starts rubbing his back with her hand.
MORTICIA
What's wrong, darling ?
GOMEZ
I just have to face facts. Fester is never coming home.
MORTICIA
Did being in his laboratory bring back all the memories ?
GOMEZ
No. But it has made me more determined to have another baby.
MORTICIA
Then let's have it in the same enjoyable way as we did last time.
GOMEZ
As much as I enjoyed the whole thing last time, I want to make this baby in a different way. I want us to be able to make it like we want it to be.
MORTICIA
I know. You already said that you wanted the perfect baby.
GOMEZ
No. Far from perfect, Tish. I want to make a mini Fester.
MORTICIA
A mini Fester ?
GOMEZ
Tish, we can plan this baby's appearance. And as I miss Fester so much, wouldn't it be a thrill to create another one. Think of everything this house is missing. The explosives, his screams, the explosives.
MORTICIA
But Gomez, the baby wouldn't truly become Fester for years.
GOMEZ
All the more reason to look forward to our old age.
MORTICIA
Well, if this is what you want...
GOMEZ
It is Tish, it is.
MORTICIA
And if you're sure that you can do it...
GOMEZ
I can. All of Fester's books are here. I need only look through them.
MORTICIA
Then I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I love you.
GOMEZ
Ah Karamia, I love you too.
MORTICIA
And we could always have another baby in the same way as Wednesday.
As they kiss passionately, fade to a series of clips of Gomez working on the baby - injecting all kinds of substances into a big egg, falling asleep on top of it etc. And finally fade into:
Scene 15; The Addams Hallway (Pugsley's Birth)
Fade in to show a black and while picture of a plumb, bald baby crawling. Fade out to show Gomez (holding the picture), Morticia, Thing and Lurch looking at the picture and watching the big egg in the hallway.
GOMEZ
All my work.
MORTICIA
I'm so proud of you. And Fester would be too.
They kiss, and we hear the crack of the egg starting to hatch.
GOMEZ
It's hatching. It's alive !
MORTICIA
Lurch, get the camera.
Gomez turns to Morticia, and they face each other.
GOMEZ
Our lives are about to be changed again.
MORTICIA
For the better.
GOMEZ
More undying proof of our love for each other, and our feelings for Fester.
MORTICIA
I hope Fester was a good baby. I should have checked with your mother.
The top of the Egg falls off, and they turn to face it. Little (2 year-old) Wednesday's head pops up seeming to be inside of the egg. Gomez screams in terror.
GOMEZ
No ! All of my work ! I'll be the laughing stock of the whole family. Drown it, electrocute it, I will not look at it until I successfully make another.
MORTICIA
You needn't ask for me to torture them. They enjoy it.
She walks behind the egg, and lifts up Wednesday from behind it, holding a saw. She makes a motion for Gomez to come to her with her head. He comes.
GOMEZ
Is it... Fester ?
MORTICIA
The spitting image.
Gomez looks down at the egg as it hatches completely, and baby Pugsley (looking almost identical to the photo of baby Fester) crawls out.
GOMEZ
Oh Tish ! We have two children to share our lives with, and the memory of my brother lives strongly in one of them.
Morticia puts little Wednesday down to play with baby Pugsley.
MORTICIA
Now play with your little brother, Wednesday.
Morticia and Gomez hug, as Wednesday slowly toddles towards Pugsley is a 'Psycho' like manner with the saw in her hand. As she lifts the saw ready to stab, the flash from he camera goes off, and we zoom out from a still picture of the last frame standing on the Addams mantlepiece:
Scene 16; The Addams Living Room (Not Present Day)
As we zoom out from the picture, we see Gomez and Morticia sat down. Gomez smoking a cigar, and Morticia drinking a suspicious-looking drink.
GOMEZ
Can you believe my luck ?
MORTICIA
Not luck Gomez, your brilliance.
GOMEZ
But you're their mother, and that's the luck I was talking about. I have a beautiful wife whom I can saw in half any time I wish, and two beautiful children who, judging by the sound they've been making, get along with each other perfectly. Could I ask for any more ?
MORTICIA
Another child maybe ?
GOMEZ
Not yet Tish. Maybe in about an hour.
MORTICIA
But you remember what that note said, Gomez. That we'll have three children.
GOMEZ
Yes. I wonder if that note does predict the future ?
MORTICIA
I think it does.
GOMEZ
Then we should attempt it.
MORTICIA
And influence fate ?
GOMEZ
No, help fate along.
As they are about to kiss, the doorbell screams.
MORTICIA
Another one of your family risen from their graves to congratulate you ?
GOMEZ
No. I set them all to rest a few hours ago.
MORTICIA
Then who could it be ?
Gomez reaches and rings the bell, Lurch goes to answer the door, while Gomez and Morticia kiss. Granmama runs through with a suitcase.
GRANMAMA
Helo you two.
MORTICIA
Granmama. What a terrifying surprise.
GOMEZ
Granmama, welcome to the house that never sleeps.
GRANMAMA
Come and squeeze all the air out of your older sibling, both of you.
Both Gomez and Morticia hug Granmama.
GRANMAMA
Still as firm as ever. I found this for you on the doorstep.
She hands Gomez a note - looking very much like the others. Gomez opens it up, and looks at Morticia.
MORTICIA
What does it say ?
GOMEZ
Once more.
MORTICIA
Only one more baby.
GRANMAMA
You're pregnant again ? I'm so happy for you both !
MORTICIA
No, it's just a little matter we're discussing.
GRANMAMA
Well good. You're not ready for another baby. Not as soon as this after the birth of the last.
Morticia smiles at her.
MORTICIA
You should have told us you were coming over. We could have found the bed of nails for you.
GRANMAMA
Not to worry. I'll settle for an uncomfortable mattress for a while.
GOMEZ
Will you be staying long ?
GRANMAMA
As long as I must to help you two cope with the new arrival. Speaking of him, where is the little demon ?
The three walk into the hallway, where the remains of the egg remain.
MORTICIA
I'll take you to him now, granmama.
GRANMAMA
No, I'll be fine. Is this where he was born ?
GOMEZ
It sure was.
GRANMAMA
Well I have a fantastic recipe to make with an egg's shell.
GOMEZ
Granmama, your cooking always satisfies.
GRANMAMA
I'll get to work as soon as I've pinched the little-one's.
MORTICIA
Are you sure you don't want me to take you up ?
GRANMAMA
No, I'm fine thank you. I'll just follow the screams.
She walks up the stairs. Gomez turns to Morticia.
GOMEZ
I had a feeling she might turn up.
MORTICIA
I know. Mind you, she was a great help to me around the house when Wednesday was first born.
GOMEZ
Did we tell her that Pugsley had been born ?
MORTICIA
I didn't.
GOMEZ
Well I didn't either.
MORTICIA
Then how did she know ?
Granmama comes from one side of the staircase and walks over to the other.
GRANMAMA
I'll find my way. And the answer to your question is that my psychic powers tell me everything I need to know.
She exits. Gomez turns to Morticia and they both exchange interested looks. Fade to:
Scene 17; The Addams Dining Room
Gomez and Morticia are sat down on one side of the table, with baby Pugsley and young Wednesday both in high chairs (which have coffin-shaped trays) on the opposite side. Granmama comes up to them with her cauldron and starts 'pouring' some suspicious-looking food onto their plates.
GOMEZ
You sure can't beat good old fashioned home cooking.
GRANMAMA
Exactly what I always say, Gomez.
She sits down at the head of the table.
GRANMAMA
What have you been eating recently ?
GOMEZ
Oh, Lurch prepares a very delicious assortment of food.
MORTICIA
Yes, and he uses only organic vegetables. All grown in my garden. You see, granmama, I never use chemicals and such on my plants, only real ingredients go into the plant foods. I'm currently discussing the possibility of growing food for a big chain of supermarkets across the country.
GRANMAMA
The exact same thing is true about my cooking, Morticia dear.
MORTICIA
You're cooking on a contract to a chain of supermarkets ?
GRANMAMA
No. The only chain I've come across in the one holding your alligator in his place.
GOMEZ
Well there's plenty more around the house if you look.
GRANMAMA
What I meant was that only natural ingredients go into my food. I kill them all myself.
They all start eating.
MORTICIA
Granmama, this is delicious.
GOMEZ
It sure is. Nothing against Lurch, but I miss good home-cooking very much.
GRANMAMA
I could teach you, Morticia.
MORTICIA
Oh no. I couldn't possibly do this good a job at it. I have too much on my plate already with my gardening, my husband and my taxidermy.
GRANMAMA
Well never mind. I can send you something through the post often enough.
As they start eating again, fade back to:
Scene 18; The Present Day (Continued)
GOMEZ
Granmama's cooking was a nice change from the sweet taste we used to have in our mouths from Lurch's cooking.
MORTICIA
And she put my plants to good use aswell.
WEDNESDAY
Why didn't she cook Pugsley ?
MORTICIA
Wednesday darling, she didn't stay very long that time. Only enough to give your father and I some time to strangle each other.
PUGSLEY
Then why is she here now ?
GRANMAMA
They couldn't do without me.
MORTICIA
That's right. With the new arrival, I didn't have time to look after the house, and Lurch was always looking after you children while your father and I... did something else. The interiors of the house began deteriorating.
Flashback to:
Scene 19; The Addams' Hallway
The hallway looks more colourful than usual, and much tidier. The armour etc. on the walls are polished, and the place looks much more like a 'normal' grand house.
Five-year-old Wednesday walks out of the left hand entrance on the staircase, and runs across to exit through the right hand entrance, followed closely by Morticia - improvising threats and calling Wednesday. After they both exit, Wednesday once again comes out of the left hand entrance, crossing the stairs, and exiting through the right hand entrance. Morticia once again follows her, but this time with a reaping-hook in her hand. Once they have exited, Gomez walks on from one downstairs entrance, looking very tired and 'smoking' an unlit cigar. Morticia comes from one of the doors upstairs looking a mess (hair in a mess etc.). She walks down to Gomez.
MORTICIA
We need help, Gomez.
GOMEZ
No we don't, look at this place, it looks beautiful.
MORTICIA
You need help, Gomez.
She takes his cigar from his mouth, lights it with the fireplace and smokes it herself.
GOMEZ
Tish, since when have you started smoking again ?
MORTICIA
Don't worry Gomez. I'll stop once I get my cough back.
GOMEZ
No, keep smoking. We need to get some more smoke in the house. It's lost all it's atmosphere.
MORTICIA
Everything we've built up and destroyed over the years.
GOMEZ
How can we get the gloom and the stuffy smell back to replace the brightness and the sweet smell of... air freshener ?
MORTICIA
We need more help around the house. All the work is starting to get to poor Lurch by now.
Lurch walks past wearing an apron and carrying a feather duster.
MORTICIA
If we get someone else in to help, we could ease the stress on us.
GOMEZ
Then let's do it. We hardly have any time to do anything anymore.
MORTICIA
But Gomez darling, the last nanny we had disappeared after only one day of work. I swear I can still hear her screams late at night coming from the direction on the pool.
GOMEZ
The poor piranhas must be restless with all that noise.
MORTICIA
If only Fester was here, we could make another servant.
GOMEZ
Well he isn't, so we'll have to hire another servant.
MORTICIA
Or call someone who loves the children as much as we do and who can cook disgusting tasting meals, just as we like them, and therefore give me time to concentrate on... other things.
GOMEZ
Sweet mademoiselle, name this creature.
MORTICIA
Granmama.
GOMEZ
Of course. Why didn't I think of that ?
Scene 20; The Living Room
Morticia is playing with a small fly-trap plant, while Gomez is taking hot coal from the fire and placing them on the floor while granmama is pouring them all a drink.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, the dirt is back on the carpets, the cobwebs are back filling the corners, the smell of rotting flesh is once again filling the air.
GRANMAMA
Have you been going through my recipe book ?
MORTICIA
But we owe it all to you, granmama. If it wasn't for you, we'd still be living out hopeless dreams. We'd still be worried if the grass wasn't cut or if the meat was overdone. We can guarantee that the grass will be long and that the meat in undercooked now that you're here.
GRANMAMA
Thank you Morticia.
GOMEZ
We only hope we can make it a more permanent residence.
GRANMAMA
Well, I have nowhere else to go. And I want to feel that I'm useful in my old age.
MORTICIA
You'd certainly be useful here.
Gomez starts walking on the hot coal.
GOMEZ
Finally, I'll have blisters again.
MORTICIA
Gomez darling, make sure that burns a hole in the carpet.
GRANMAMA
I just don't want to feel that you're going to any trouble to keep me here.
MORTICIA
Of course we're not. We haven't done anything.
GOMEZ
Hey Tish, I just had an idea. We could build a granny flat up in the attic.
MORTICIA
And disturb the bats ?
GRANMAMA
Oh no ! Leave the bats. I can make coats for the children using the leather from their wings.
GOMEZ
Then that's settled.
He gets off the coal, and rings the bell. Lurch enters.
LURCH
You rang.
GOMEZ
Yes Lurch, could you move granmama's things out of the shallow grave, and into the attic.
Lurch walks away, groaning.
MORTICIA
Isn't it nice to see him back as his old self again ?
GOMEZ
Of course it is. And granmama, welcome back to the family.
GRANMAMA
Frightened, I'm sure.
A scream is heard upstairs.
MORTICIA
Children ! I'd better go upstairs and make sure Wednesday's using the guillotine properly.
She kisses Gomez and goes upstairs.
GOMEZ
It's Wednesday's first time with the guillotine. We're so proud of her.
Fade back to:
Scene 21; The Present Day
Granmama is crying with happiness.
MORTICIA
They grow up so quickly. Why it seems only yesterday that Wednesday was playing with the shotgun. Now she uses the cannon.
GOMEZ
I know Tish. But look how well we've brought them up.
Cut to Pugsley and Wednesday. Pugsley looks depressed, and is shrugging, while Wednesday stands lifeless as usual. Cut back.
MORTICIA
I know. Soon they'll be leaving, and we'll be all alone again.
GOMEZ
Doing everything we used to do before they came along.
WEDNESDAY
We can go now. At least, (she looks at Pugsley) he can.
MORTICIA
You go back to bed now children.
PUGSLEY
Do we have to ?
FESTER
Come on. I'll tuck you in.
They go upstairs.
MORTICIA
Sweet Nightmares !
GRANMAMA
I'm going out to the graveyard. There are a few invitations I haven't handed out yet.
She exits.
MORTICIA
We're alone again.
GOMEZ
We sure are.
Addams Family
History
Scene 1; Outside the Addams' mansion.
The whole place is quiet, dark, and no lights are on in the house. Suddenly, a grandfather clock is heard chiming midnight, Gomez and Morticia's bedroom light switches on and Gomez's voice is heard shouting.
GOMEZ
Morticia, my love, our day has arrived.
Cut to the inside of their bedroom, Morticia is sat up on the bed, Gomez is standing by the foot of the bed.
MORTICIA
Yes Gomez darling, the anniversary of our exchanging of vows.
He climbs onto the bed and sits next to her.
GOMEZ
We have been wed for twenty years.
MORTICIA
And what a splendid twenty years they have been. Not once have I looked back and regretted.
GOMEZ
And the flame is still as strong as ever.
MORTICIA
Our love still as interrupted as ever.
They are about to kiss when a baby is heard crying in the next room.
MORTICIA
Ah, the sweet sound of our son in his early years of torture. The sweet reminder of our never-ending love for each other.
She gets up to leave the room.
MORTICIA
Wait for me Gomez.
GOMEZ
Always.
She leaves the room. Gomez takes a rose from the top of a bedside cabinet, bites off the flower, spits it out, and puts the stem in his mouth (as is he is dancing the tango) and turns to face the door. Wednesday (about the same age as she was at the end of Addams Family Values) enters.
WEDNESDAY
The baby woke me.
GOMEZ
Well go back to sleep, else the boogie man won't come and get you.
WEDNESDAY
I'm too old for the boogie man.
GOMEZ
You are never too old for the boogie man.
Morticia enters with a 2 year old Pubert in her arms.
MORTICIA
Tonight must be one of those restless nights.
GOMEZ
It is soon to become even more restless.
MORTICIA
As it was twenty years ago.
WEDNESDAY
Twenty years ?
MORTICIA
The night your father and I were married. I still remember the exact minute. The witching hour.
GOMEZ
While all our ancestors rose to the occasion.
MORTICIA
You remember all of it too !
GOMEZ
In all it's gory.
Gomez and Morticia make eyes at each other, while Wednesday looks fed up.
WEDNESDAY
Should I leave ?
MORTICIA (still looking at Gomez)
Yes, and take Pubert with you.
She hands her the baby. Wednesday exits, and Morticia gets back onto the bed with Gomez.
MORTICIA
Where were we, monsieur ?
GOMEZ
Tish, that's French !
He starts kissing up her arm.
MORTICIA
Control yourself, Gomez.
GOMEZ
Why should I control myself ? How can I control myself when you're around ?
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, we have all night.
GOMEZ
Then let's make the most of it.
MORTICIA
Shall we ?
GOMEZ
Oh Tish, that's sometimes French you know !
He starts kissing her again.
MORTICIA
This obsession with French is starting to get out of hand. Carry on.
GOMEZ
Tish, I'd rather reminisce about the first time we set eyes on each other.
MORTICIA
Wouldn't you rather reminisce about later on that day...
GOMEZ
Oh you devil.
They are about to kiss when Uncle Fester enters.
FESTER
Gomez, Morticia ! Happy anniversary !
GOMEZ
Fester, the old man, you remembered !
FESTER
Of course I remembered ! But I'm keeping your big present until next year.
MORTICIA
What's happening next year ?
FESTER
Don't you remember, next year you'll have been married for twenty years !!
GOMEZ
As we have this year.
Fester looks puzzled for a few seconds, and then realises his mistake.
FESTER
Of course. Would you excuse me for a second ?
GOMEZ
We'll excuse you for a minute.
MORTICIA
Ten minutes even.
Gomez and Morticia look at each other as Fester exits.
GOMEZ
Oh dark, succulent amore, how glad I am to have felt you.
MORTICIA
Just a second darling.
She puts her hand to his mouth and listens, the whole place is quiet.
MORTICIA
Do you hear that ?
GOMEZ (Starting to kiss up her arm)
I hear nothing.
MORTICIA
No sounds of the children playing, no sound of Granmama cooking. Not even the electric chair's buzz or the lion's purr.
GOMEZ
Nothing.
MORTICIA
No interference.
GOMEZ
We are left with each other and the night.
They are about to kiss when a huge noise of the organ playing the death march comes from downstairs.
GOMEZ
Who died ?!
MORTICIA
Gomez, dear. Nobody died. Lurch is remembering our wedding.
GOMEZ
Of course. And the genius you were to think of burying your uncle and marrying on the same day.
MORTICIA
What better way of making sure our relatives would remember ?
Granmama enters.
GRANMAMA
My dearest children !
She hugs both of them
GRANMAMA
It sends shivers down my spine that you both have been married for twenty years.
MORTICIA
Thank you Granmama, it still haunts me too.
GRANMAMA
And as a special treat, I have something for you.
She gets out a small package wrapped in tissue, she slowly unwraps it.
GOMEZ
You didn't need to cook anything Granmama.
GRANMAMA
Oh, I haven't cooked anything. But twenty years ago, I promised to keep one slice for you two to enjoy on your twentieth anniversary.
She finally unwraps it, and shows it (green with mould) to the two.
MORTICIA
Our wedding cake !
GRANMAMA
Enjoy !
Gomez and Morticia look at each other lovingly.
Scene 2; The downstairs living room
Lurch is playing the organ with Thing turning the pages on his copy, while Pugsley is carving kitchen knives as Gomez, Morticia and Granmama walk down the stairs each eating the moulded cake.
GOMEZ
Bravo Lurch ! Encore, Encore !!
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, isn't this perfect ? Both of us together, beautiful music playing in the background and the taste of our wedding cake still fresh in our mouths.
Pugsley runs towards them
MORTICIA
Pugsley darling, you're up !
PUGSLEY
Yes, I wanted to...
GOMEZ
I bet you don't know what day it is...
PUGSLEY
Yes, I do.
GOMEZ
I don't mean Monday or Tuesday. It's our twentieth wedding anniversary.
PUGSLEY
I know ! That's why I sharpened those knives for you. You always like sharp knives on your anniversary.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, we've brought him up so well.
GOMEZ
Yes, and it's all down to your motherly instincts.
MORTICIA
Oh but it was you who taught him the true values of death and torture.
GRANMAMA
It seems to me like you were the perfect couple.
MORTICIA
Yes. It was all a team effort.
GOMEZ
As was everything in our marriage.
They stare lovingly at each other.
PUGSLEY
Can I have a piece of cake ?
Granmama puts her arm around him.
GRANMAMA
You can have the rest of my piece, let your parents torture each other in peace.
They walk to the other side of the room.
GOMEZ
Your eyes sparkle like the brightest fire in hell.
MORTICIA
And my blood is bubbling like cauldron full of poison when I think of our love.
Wednesday walks downstairs with an axe in her hand.
WEDNESDAY
The baby won't sleep.
MORTICIA
Have you tried singing to him ?
WEDNESDAY
Yes.
MORTICIA
Have you tried bouncing him up and down ?
WEDNESDAY
Yes.
MORTICIA
Have you threatened him that if he doesn't go to sleep you'll electrocute him ?
WEDNESDAY
Yes.
MORTICIA
Did he sleep ?
WEDNESDAY
No.
MORTICIA
Then electrocute him darling. It always works for me. He's out for hours.
Wednesday walks back upstairs.
GOMEZ
She needs to learn a few things from you before she starts having children.
MORTICIA
Don't ! Once she has a baby, I have to sleep with a grandfather !
The lights flicker off and then back on. Gomez and Morticia smile at each other, and Wednesday comes back downstairs.
WEDNESDAY
He's asleep. Morbid anniversary parents.
She gives them a package, they open it up to reveal two carved dolls, both headless - the Morticia doll holding a knife in one hand and Gomez's head in the other, the Gomez doll doing the same with Morticia's head.
MORTICIA
Wednesday darling ! How thoughtful. We love them.
GOMEZ
And they look very realistic !
Thing comes up to them and hands them a card.
MORTICIA
Why thing. How thoughtful.
She opens the envelope to reveal two snails crawling out.
GOMEZ
Thing ! And they're French.
They both pick one snail up and feed it to the other.
Granmama walks back towards them.
GRANMAMA
Those are just a little taster. You'll get the rest of the presents in the party tonight.
MORTICIA
Mama. What more could we possibly ask for ?
GOMEZ
Besides some time alone.
MORTICIA
Gomez, this is a time for the family.
GOMEZ
Halloween and an exorcism are times for the family. Anniversaries are a time for a couple.
WEDNESDAY
What are you going to do to celebrate ?
Morticia looks at Gomez
MORTICIA
I was thinking about... the swamp.
GOMEZ
Just like our tenth anniversary !
MORTICIA
And our fifth.
GOMEZ
And last week.
MORTICIA
And yesterday.
They stare at each other lovingly.
PUGSLEY
How old were you when you both met ?
WEDNESDAY
You've ruined the atmosphere. Now you must be punished.
She picks up an axe.
MORTICIA
Now Wednesday, what have we told you about playing with axes ? Only do it in the privacy of your own rooms or in front of guests. Now Pugsley, what's bothering you ?
PUGSLEY
It's just that I'm thirteen now, and I still haven't found a girl who likes me.
GOMEZ
You will. In time. When I first saw your mother, it was like lightning.
WEDNESDAY
Was that literal lightning ?
MORTICIA
In a way dear. I was grieving at my Great Aunt Fauna's funeral. Your father was there for the thrill. Both he and Fester attempted to bring her back to life with lightning.
WEDNESDAY
Interesting. (turns to face Pugsley) Pugsley ?
Pugsley swallows nervously.
PUGSLEY
Mum ? Did the lightning bring the dead person back ?
MORTICIA
No. It had no chance of working, she was already on her third heart and after 200 years your body can't really handle life any more. You have to find another. Aunt Fauna never was any good at choosing bodies.
Flashback to:
Scene 3; A Graveyard.
It's a stormy night. Many people, including a younger-looking Morticia and a scared priest are gathered around an open grave which has an open coffin (holding Aunt Fauna) in it. Younger Gomez (who has his back to Morticia) and Fester are in the grave plugging Aunt Fauna up with many cables. Gomez looks towards Fester.
GOMEZ
Is the storm strong enough ?
FESTER
Yes it is.
GOMEZ
Shall we ?
FESTER
Of course.
PRIEST
Then by the power of...
GOMEZ
Not you; (pointing to Fester) him. You're Plan B.
Fester connects two cables together and then holds up a long piece of metal (an aerial). All of the crowd watch in amazement as lightning hits the aerial, and runs through Fester and the cables. We see Aunt Fauna shaking with the current, and then follow the cables to show that they are twisted around the priest's foot. He is also shaking. The current stops, and the graveyard goes completely silent, everyone watching the body in the coffin.
PRIEST (In a female's voice)
What is everyone looking at ? I believe you were all here to see me ?!
The whole crowd look up to the priest, and then at each other.
CROWD MEMBER
Aunt Fauna ?
PRIEST
Yes it's me. Now can we go bury this woman and go home.
MORTICIA
That woman is you.
PRIEST
After 150 years, you get bored of the same old body. I fancied a change.
'She' looks down at 'herself'.
PRIEST
But this dress seriously has to go.
Fester slams the coffin shut.
FESTER
Another job well done.
GOMEZ
I don't know. I'd rather kill than bring to life. I don't know, dead people are more interesting. More...
He turns and seen Morticia.
GOMEZ (Mesmerised)
...pale and attractive.
Morticia smiles.
MORTICIA
Some say it's a gift.
GOMEZ
J'adore toi.
MORTICIA
You speak French, monsieur.
GOMEZ
The language of love.
Morticia starts climbing down into the grave with him.
MORTICIA
Monsieur, your features attract me.
GOMEZ
As do your dark, mysterious eyes.
Fester starts shooing the onlookers away.
FESTER
You lot, get out of here. You've already seen one show, be happy.
The priest turns towards him.
PRIEST
Fester, right ?
FESTER
Yes, and I believe that you're Fauna.
PRIEST
Yes I am. Would you like to join me ?
FESTER
Where are you going.
PRIEST
To my house. I always have a little party after being buried.
The Priest holds his/her arm out to Fester, who puts his arm through it.
FESTER
Thank you. I think they'll need some privacy.
PRIEST
You're not an exorcist, are you ?
FESTER
No.
PRIEST
Then let's go.
They walk off, following the others. Cut back to Gomez and Morticia.
MORTICIA
Your body is a magnet to mine.
GOMEZ
Tease me no more ! I am yours for all eternity.
MORTICIA
Like two vultures sharing their prey, we shall share our lives.
GOMEZ
Until the day we die.
MORTICIA
And more !
As they start kissing madly, fade back to:
Scene 4; The Present Day (Continued)
GOMEZ
Ah, that first night together in a grave. The first of many to come.
MORTICIA
Your father proposed to me that night, and we've never been apart since.
Fester enters the room.
FESTER
Talking about what happened twenty years ago ?
GOMEZ
Not quite. We were talking about the first time we met.
FESTER
Of course. That funeral. Poor aunt Fauna. I never saw her after that night. The story of my life.
GOMEZ
Old man ! We didn't see you after that night for twenty five years !!
FESTER
Well we'd had that falling out over the twins a few weeks before, and then seeing you finding love immediately afterwards while I was older but still single. It broke my already stitched-up heart.
MORTICIA
Poor Fester, he never did have much luck in love.
GOMEZ
He's had more girlfriends than you can count on the teeth of a shark.
WEDNESDAY
But now he grows old bitter and lonely.
GOMEZ
Yes. Just like old times.
FESTER
Well you two nearly didn't get married.
MORTICIA
I know. What a fool I was to doubt you, Gomez.
GOMEZ
You were no fool. I left the trap right open so you'd walk straight into it. But for a change, you didn't enjoy the experience.
FESTER
What exactly happened ?
GOMEZ
It was at my stab night.
FESTER
Your stab night ?! You had a stab night without me ?!
GOMEZ
I'm sorry old man. We thought you were dead.
FESTER
You could have still tried to contact me.
GOMEZ
We did.
GRANMAMA
I came over three nights in a row to try and contact you. We ran out of candles by the end, and we never even heard a word from you. All we got was some man saying something about a hound-dog.
MORTICIA
We thought it was you for a while, but then we realised that he was saying "You ain't nothing but a hound dog" rather than "You ATE nothing buta hound dog" and we realised it couldn't have been you. You're not a hound-dog.
PUGSLEY
What happened on the stab night ?!
MORTICIA
You're too young to hear about it, Pugsley dear. You too, Wednesday. Now to make a mess in your rooms.
WEDNESDAY + PUGSLEY (Bored)
Yes Mother.
MORTICIA
And I want then in a shambles by the time we come up, else I'll tidy them up and you'll have to do it all again.
The Children exit the room, but stop outside the door and listen to the conversation.
GOMEZ
Cousin Itt had arranged the whole do for me.
FESTER
Cousin Itt was your best man ?!!
GOMEZ
Morticia was supposedly at her mother's graveyard, having her own party arranged by cousin Melancholy.
Flashback to:
Scene 5; Gomez's Stab night
Many deformed men are sat around the room. Gomez is saying goodbye to Morticia, dressed up.
GOMEZ
I hope you have a nice time, dear.
MORTICIA
Gomez ! Why hope for such an awful thing ?!
GOMEZ
I'm sorry. It's just the thought of being apart for so long.
MORTICIA
I know. Three hours is almost more than I can take.
They kiss. As they won't let go of each other, Cousin Melancholia and a group of men tear them apart.
GOMEZ
Oh well. I'll see you at the witching hour. Make sure you don't take care of her, Melancholia.
MELANCHOLIA
Don't worry, Gomez. She'll be at the altar in one piece.
GOMEZ
Oh well, the dream of having two pieces to have fun with was good while it lasted.
MELANCHOLIA
Come on now Tisha, you have a big night ahead of you.
She almost drags her out of the room, with Gomez still holding her hand. They exit, but Morticia runs back in.
MORTICIA
Gomez ! Remember what I said; NO RIPPERS !
GOMEZ
You have my word. I don't want naked, blood-hungry women spoiling the party.
Cousin Melancholia comes back in and pushes Morticia out.
MELANCHOLIA
Bye bye Gomez.
They shut the door, and all the men start cheering. A man with three arms (Sergeant Gloom) and Cousin Itt come up to Gomez.
SERGEANT GLOOM
Don't worry, Gomez. I'll make sure this is more fun than I had while I was in the army.
GOMEZ
Thank you Mr. Gloom !
SERGEANT GLOOM
Gomez, we're old friends. Call me Sergeant Gloom
GOMEZ
Well thank you Sergeant Gloom. You mean we're going to kill people with grenades AND run over them with tanks ?!!
SERGEANT GLOOM
Oh no, better than that.
Cousin Itt makes some ununderstandable reply.
GOMEZ
Really ?
SERGEANT GLOOM
And your cousin Itt should know.
Raunchy music starts playing, as two girls in heavy coats enter the room, dancing sexily. Cousin Itt squeaks in delight.
SERGEANT GLOOM
Here's your wedding present, Gomez.
GOMEZ
No. Morticia warned me not to have any rippers at the party. She'll tear my heart out !
SERGEANT GLOOM
Would that be so bad ?
Gomez puts on an 'actually, it wouldn't' look. One of the two women walks up to him, and pushes him down onto a chair. Gomez protests, but the rest of the guys cheer. With the music, the ripper starts pulling out knives from her coat's pockets. Each one she pulls out gets bigger, and with each one the crowd scream and cheer more. The ripper finally gets a very big knife out and starts rubbing Gomez's throat with it. Gomez is by now trying his best not to enjoy it.
The front door slams open, and Morticia enters.
MORTICIA
And one more thing...
She sees the ripper, starts sobbing, and runs out. Gomez pushes the ripper on the floor and runs after Morticia. He finally reaches her outside on the patio.
MORTICIA
Why, Gomez ? Why did you do that ?
GOMEZ
I was a stupid fool.
MORTICIA
But I asked you not to !
GOMEZ
Which only proves how stupid I was.
MORTICIA
How could you ? How could you let that creature in there hurt you ?! You know that's my job ! As a married couple, we're meant to only hurt each other.
GOMEZ
There's nothing I can say, Tish, except that I'm sorry. And that any pain that she inflicted on me in there wasn't half as intense or enjoyable as the pain you've given me over the years. I could never love anyone as much as I love you, Tish.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez. Maybe I'm making a big fuss over nothing. It just hurt me - in the wrong way.
GOMEZ
If I apologise one more time, can I be forgiven ?
MORTICIA
What would you do if I had a male ripper at my party ?
GOMEZ
I... I wouldn't have been happy.
MORTICIA
Exactly. That's exactly how I feel. Gomez, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to put you through the pain and torture my mother put my father through.
GOMEZ
And I'm the same !
MORTICIA
Are you sure ?
GOMEZ
Yes.
MORTICIA
Are you sure the whole thing isn't just a game for you ?
GOMEZ
Of course it is. But you're the only part of my life which is serious.
Morticia smiles.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez. No matter how many times you broke my heart, you couldn't destroy the feelings I have for you within it.
GOMEZ
Oh Tish.
They hug.
GOMEZ
Let's get married now.
MORTICIA
What ?
GOMEZ
Let's get married right now; just the two of us. No-one to spoil it.
MORTICIA
Would the vicar be willing to do it now ?
GOMEZ
Of course ! He can just postpone the funeral.
MORTICIA
But all of our family. They've all come here to see us wed.
GOMEZ
They've all come to see the wedding and the funeral. You know our families enjoy funerals most anyway. And it's not like they'll never get to come to our funerals.
MORTICIA
You're so clever. But what about witnesses ?
GOMEZ
We can wake a few people in the cemetery. You know they're dying to get out of their graves.
There's a short silence.
GOMEZ
What do you say ?
MORTICIA
I say let's do it. But let's make our way to the church through the swamp. We can't let cousin Melancholia see us.
They both kiss, and make their way around the corner of the house. Cousin Melancholia runs onto the patio looking for Morticia.
MELANCHOLIA
Morticia ?!
She looks upstairs at Gomez and Morticia's room.
MELANCHOLIA (to herself, smiling)
Morticia, I think you'll be more than just a minute.
Fade back to:
Scene 6; The Present day
FESTER
Wasn't anyone mad that you did that ?
MORTICIA
Not really. They all had their party after the funeral, so they got what they came for.
GOMEZ
Besides, we found an artist buried in the graveyard, and he painted our wedding photos for a very reasonable price.
MORTICIA (Looking at Fester)
A body.
Pugsley's giggle is heard from around the corner, followed by a slap.
MORTICIA
Children ?
They both walk sheepishly into the room.
MORTICIA
You listened in on our conversation ?
GOMEZ
Tish, they're learning fast.
The doorbell screams.
GOMEZ
Who could that be as late as this ?
WEDNESDAY
Maybe it's the boogie man.
MORTICIA
Then answer it quickly Gomez. If it is him, we can't let this chance pass.
GOMEZ
I'll miss you.
MORTICIA
I miss you already.
Gomez walks towards the door and opens it. There is no-one there. Gomez steps out to look around, and on his way back to the house he notices a note in front of the door made out to Morticia and Gomez. He picks up the letter and takes it back into the living room.
MORTICIA
What was it, darling ?
GOMEZ
I don't know what it was. But whatever it was left a note.
MORTICIA
Let me see.
She takes the note and smells it.
MORTICIA
Gomez.
GOMEZ
I had a feeling it was...
MORTICIA
It is.
The place goes completely quiet.
FESTER
Are you two lovers willing to share a secret ?
MORTICIA
It was on our honeymoon. We were lying in what they used to call 'no man's land' during a war in France. You know what they say about France; how romantic it is. The bombs, the shooting, the grenades.
GOMEZ
It was a perfect honeymoon.
Flashback to:
Scene 7; A battlefield
Gomez and Morticia are lying down next to each other as all kinds of weapons and bullets are shooting over them. They're hugging and kissing as the place suddenly becomes quiet. They stop.
MORTICIA
What happened ? I was enjoying the atmosphere.
GOMEZ
Don't let the atmosphere stop us.
They start kissing again as a shadow appears above them and drops a note onto them. They look up as the shadow starts walking away.
MORTICIA
Gomez, who is that ? He's frightening me. Get his address so we can book him for parties.
Gomez opens up the note and reads.
GOMEZ
"Three siblings take 20 years then death"
MORTICIA
Is that all it says ?
GOMEZ
That's all it says.
MORTICIA
Doesn't it give any of the gory details concerning the death ?
Fade back to:
Scene 8; The Present Day (Continued)
MORTICIA
All the predictions so far have been true. We have three children.
GOMEZ
And we have been married for twenty years.
MORTICIA
Which is partly why we're so excited about this anniversary. We know death, together, is nearby.
GOMEZ
And now this note has arrived. Proof that we're not the only ones who remember.
Gomez opens up the note and reads.
GOMEZ
"A few more hours"
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez. This is our last night with our family. After this we'll burn in the midst of hell together.
GOMEZ
I know. I'm excited too.
MORTICIA
All our years of loving, haunting, torturing. Everything is over.
GRANMAMA
Then you should tell your children all they need to know about their history before it's too late, and the Addams have a long forgotten past.
MORTICIA
You're right granmama. Children, before your father and I are buried six feet underground in a grave of love, what do you want to know ?
WEDNESDAY
How do you sink a knife deep into someone's body without hitting the vital organs ?
PUGSLEY
How can I lose weight ?
WEDNESDAY
That's what I was trying to find out too.
Pugsley swallows nervously.
GOMEZ
Children, you can learn those things from your mistakes. You can't learn about your family's history in that way.
WEDNESDAY
Couldn't we dig them up ?
MORTICIA
Wednesday. Once we're dead, you know that your father and I want to rest in peace. Together. Forever. Alone. Rotting.
GOMEZ
Precisely. You can learn about your ancestors by digging them up. They don't mind. But your mother and I see the afterlife as a time to spend together. That's why I think granmama's right. We should tell you everything about your histories. Before it's too late.
WEDNESDAY
When Uncle Fester dies, we can still dig him up, can't we ?
FESTER
Of course you can ! That's what I want ! I want to be able to see you two grow up and make the same mistakes that I made.
WEDNESDAY
Then tell me mother. Why did you have us ?
GOMEZ
We didn't plan...
MORTICIA
Gomez. Wednesday darling, we always wanted children. Someone to share your days with. Someone to make your life worthwhile. That's why we were both thrilled to move in here after we got married. The house was empty. Your grandparents had just bought and moved into an old unused mine-shaft in Wales in the United Kingdom, and Fester was nowhere to be seen.
FESTER
I was in the Bermuda Triangle suffering from amnesia.
MORTICIA
We had the house all to ourselves, which was fine at first. But it was a lonely place.
GOMEZ
We only had each other, the bats and the food, before we cooked it, to keep us company.
MORTICIA
That's when I took up gardening.
GOMEZ
And it helped a little. But not enough.
MORTICIA
And then, I found out I was expecting.
Flashback to:
Scene 9: The Addams Mansion 17 years earlier.
Gomez is having a sword-fight, but when the camera zooms out we see that the other sword is held by one of Morticia's plants. He stands back, looking bored. Morticia runs through to him.
MORTICIA
Gomez darling !
GOMEZ
Tish ! How did everything go at the... (he makes a "" sign with his fingers) doctor's.
MORTICIA
The usual. He threw up twice, and he still doesn't like the trick I play on him with the scalpel. But I have news. We don't only have each other any longer, we shall soon have someone else to love and torture.
She puts her hand on her belly.
GOMEZ
Karamia, is it true ?!
MORTICIA
Oui, monsieur.
They start kissing madly. We hear older Morticia's voice.
MORTICIA (voice)
A few months later, I was rushed to the hospital.
We see Morticia on a hospital trolley and Gomez running beside her, handcuffed together, down a hospital corridor. Fade back to:
Scene 10; The Present Day (Continued)
MORTICIA
It was the best day of my life, giving birth to little Wednesday. I'll never forget the pain I felt as she was being delivered. It was so good, I couldn't wait to do it again.
WEDNESDAY
Why call me Wednesday then ?
GOMEZ
Honey ! According to the doctor, that's what you are !
Flashback to:
Scene 11; The Hospital Ward
Morticia is lying in a bed, with Gomez sat next to her holding her hand, and baby Wednesday is a home-made, wooden crib at the end of the bed. There are some weird details (such as flower stems in a vase) and such around Morticia. The doctor is examining Wednesday while the nurse fills in the birth certificate. The nurse isn't paying attention to the conversation.
DOCTOR
Everything seems pretty normal, Mr Addams.
GOMEZ
Did you hear that, Tish ?
MORTICIA
How many legs does she have, doctor ?
DOCTOR
Erm... two.
GOMEZ
And eyes ?
DOCTOR
Also two.
MORTICIA
Well, what species would you say she is then, Doctor ?
The doctor turns to the nurse, looking very puzzled regarding the last question by Morticia. The nurse suddenly turns towards him.
NURSE (Without Morticia and Gomez hearing)
What day is it, Doctor ?
The doctor looks at his watch, as Gomez and Morticia still wait for an answer to their question.
DOCTOR
It's a Wednesday.
MORTICIA
Oh ! Did you hear that Gomez ? It's a Wednesday !
GOMEZ
I've never heard of that Species before. It must be very rare.
MORTICIA
Which makes her so much more special. A Wednesday.
GOMEZ
The first ever Wednesday in the Addams Family.
Both the doctor and the nurse look very confused.
DOCTOR
Well, if you'll both excuse me. I have a lot of babies to see.
GOMEZ
Wait a second. For your troubles.
Gomez puts a wad of money in the doctor's hand.
DOCTOR
Well how very generous of you Mr Addams. I was just doing my job.
GOMEZ
Wait a second, there's a bit more.
Gomez struggles to get something out of his pocket as the doctor looks very pleased.
GOMEZ
Here you go.
Gomez puts a bloody organ in the doctor's other hand.
GOMEZ
In case you ever need a donor.
The doctor looks as if he's about to throw up, and runs off, while the nurse faints. Gomez walks back to Morticia, who is by now holding little Wednesday.
GOMEZ
Well, they were pleased.
Morticia smiles, and puts a very sharp dummy in Wednesday's mouth. Fade back to:
Scene 12; The Present Day (Continued)
PUGSLEY
Where was Lurch when this was all happening ?
Lurch groans and looks up.
GOMEZ
Pugsley, he was one of your Uncle Fester's experiments !
FESTER
He sure was. But I didn't quite get to finish him before I disappeared.
GOMEZ
Exactly. You finished everything, but you couldn't get him to work.
FESTER
I'd been working for years.
During Fester's speech, there are clips of him, younger, putting Lurch together piece by piece.
FESTER
His mother had come to me after he died, asking me to bring her son back to life. I couldn't turn her down, but I knew it was an impossible talk.
GOMEZ
It had never stopped you before, old man.
FESTER
I worked day and night, using body parts that I got my hands on after car accidents or even after breaking into the local hospital, collecting good organs to replace the old, worn out ones Lurch had in his body. I had to get the heart from the graveyard as no-one I asked was willing to donate theirs. Everything was perfect. I had given him a new, larger body, his arms were stronger, and he had bigger hands so he could be a better worker. Actually, the hands were an afterthought.
The children look at Lurch's hands.
FESTER
All that was left to do was to jump-start his heart, but his mother was away, and she wanted to be there when he was brought back to life, so I froze him in the basement.
PUGSLEY
Cool.
MORTICIA
Pugsley, darling, I'm sure it was freezing.
GOMEZ
And then I met Tish and you disappeared.
WEDNESDAY
Is that the shortened version ?
PUGSLEY
Where did Lurch's old body pieces go ?
GOMEZ
Lurch, could you get us all a drink please ?
Lurch, unwillingly, goes through to another room.
FESTER
Most of them were buried in our cemetery.
GRANMAMA (Eating a piece of meat)
Except for the few which I got my hands on !
FESTER
And his right hand was frozen with him.
GOMEZ
Precisely.
FESTER
You see, once I froze his body, I was bored. Explosives were expensive, and the police were starting to get suspicious. Therefore, I had to make some entertainment.
GOMEZ (To Wednesday)
To take his mind off the love that he'd just lost.
FESTER
So I started operating on his right hand.
WEDNESDAY
How exciting.
FESTER
Oh it was.
PUGSLEY
Did it work ?
Wednesday looks at him as if to say 'you idiot', while Thing jumps onto Uncle Fester's shoulder.
MORTICIA
Children, haven't you ever wondered how Lurch and Thing work so closely together ?
GOMEZ
Anyway, we found both Lurch and Thing frozen in the basement, and as the housework was getting harder with little Wednesday crawling around the place, we unfroze them, and sent an electric current through both.
MORTICIA
They started working immediately, and became not only friends but servants aswell.
GOMEZ
After that, we had help in the house, and more company.
MORTICIA
But it still wasn't the same, was it darling ?
GOMEZ
No. The empty rooms were just praying for the sweet sound of screaming and the sweet smell of burning flesh.
MORTICIA
We decided to have another baby. But Pugsley's birth was more normal than Wednesday's.
Flashback to:
Scene 13; The Addams' Basement
Gomez is looking around the place, while Morticia is rocking a large bird-cage (containing baby Wednesday).
MORTICIA
What are you looking for honey ?
GOMEZ
The key to Fester's laboratory.
MORTICIA
I'm still willing to go through all of that pain again, Gomez.
GOMEZ
Why should you have all the fun ?!
MORTICIA
You can come in again, and I'll squeeze your hand tighter this time.
GOMEZ
You can do that anyway, and I'll squeeze yours. In the meantime, we have a baby to make.
He walks away from her and keeps looking in the cupboard. Morticia starts talking to Wednesday.
MORTICIA
And do you want a little brother or sister Wednesday darling ?
Wednesday stabs Morticia in her finger with her dummy.
MORTICIA
You devil.
She starts sucking the blood out of her finger.
MORTICIA
Gomez, this one is learning fast. She's already into violence and torture.
GOMEZ
All down to your motherly instincts.
MORTICIA
Just think. In a few months, we should have another child to play with. Just imagine; two screaming, helpless, defenceless children roaming the corridors. Lurch will have more work than he can handle !
GOMEZ
Found it !
MORTICIA
Sorry darling ?
GOMEZ
I've found the key to Fester's laboratory.
MORTICIA
Couldn't we have just used the shoots ?
GOMEZ
No, I'm saving those until later.
Leaving Wednesday behind, they walk towards a disguised door in the corner of the small basement. Gomez sticks the key into a hole in the 'wall', and it opens. Gomez enters, but Morticia runs back, and 'rings' the bell. Lurch, with thing on his shoulder come down to the basement.
MORTICIA
Lurch, look after Wednesday please. If she starts screaming, give her a treat. I've been trying to train her that way. Thing, Gomez may need your help through in the other room; you have easy entry to small places.
Thing jumps onto her hand, and, leaving Lurch and Wednesday behind, they walk through to Fester's laboratory.
Scene 14; Fester's basement
They enter, and Gomez is already starting to work.
MORTICIA
What are you doing, darling ?
GOMEZ
Making babies.
MORTICIA
Without me ?
She walks towards him, and places thing on the table in front of him. She starts rubbing his back with her hand.
MORTICIA
What's wrong, darling ?
GOMEZ
I just have to face facts. Fester is never coming home.
MORTICIA
Did being in his laboratory bring back all the memories ?
GOMEZ
No. But it has made me more determined to have another baby.
MORTICIA
Then let's have it in the same enjoyable way as we did last time.
GOMEZ
As much as I enjoyed the whole thing last time, I want to make this baby in a different way. I want us to be able to make it like we want it to be.
MORTICIA
I know. You already said that you wanted the perfect baby.
GOMEZ
No. Far from perfect, Tish. I want to make a mini Fester.
MORTICIA
A mini Fester ?
GOMEZ
Tish, we can plan this baby's appearance. And as I miss Fester so much, wouldn't it be a thrill to create another one. Think of everything this house is missing. The explosives, his screams, the explosives.
MORTICIA
But Gomez, the baby wouldn't truly become Fester for years.
GOMEZ
All the more reason to look forward to our old age.
MORTICIA
Well, if this is what you want...
GOMEZ
It is Tish, it is.
MORTICIA
And if you're sure that you can do it...
GOMEZ
I can. All of Fester's books are here. I need only look through them.
MORTICIA
Then I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I love you.
GOMEZ
Ah Karamia, I love you too.
MORTICIA
And we could always have another baby in the same way as Wednesday.
As they kiss passionately, fade to a series of clips of Gomez working on the baby - injecting all kinds of substances into a big egg, falling asleep on top of it etc. And finally fade into:
Scene 15; The Addams Hallway (Pugsley's Birth)
Fade in to show a black and while picture of a plumb, bald baby crawling. Fade out to show Gomez (holding the picture), Morticia, Thing and Lurch looking at the picture and watching the big egg in the hallway.
GOMEZ
All my work.
MORTICIA
I'm so proud of you. And Fester would be too.
They kiss, and we hear the crack of the egg starting to hatch.
GOMEZ
It's hatching. It's alive !
MORTICIA
Lurch, get the camera.
Gomez turns to Morticia, and they face each other.
GOMEZ
Our lives are about to be changed again.
MORTICIA
For the better.
GOMEZ
More undying proof of our love for each other, and our feelings for Fester.
MORTICIA
I hope Fester was a good baby. I should have checked with your mother.
The top of the Egg falls off, and they turn to face it. Little (2 year-old) Wednesday's head pops up seeming to be inside of the egg. Gomez screams in terror.
GOMEZ
No ! All of my work ! I'll be the laughing stock of the whole family. Drown it, electrocute it, I will not look at it until I successfully make another.
MORTICIA
You needn't ask for me to torture them. They enjoy it.
She walks behind the egg, and lifts up Wednesday from behind it, holding a saw. She makes a motion for Gomez to come to her with her head. He comes.
GOMEZ
Is it... Fester ?
MORTICIA
The spitting image.
Gomez looks down at the egg as it hatches completely, and baby Pugsley (looking almost identical to the photo of baby Fester) crawls out.
GOMEZ
Oh Tish ! We have two children to share our lives with, and the memory of my brother lives strongly in one of them.
Morticia puts little Wednesday down to play with baby Pugsley.
MORTICIA
Now play with your little brother, Wednesday.
Morticia and Gomez hug, as Wednesday slowly toddles towards Pugsley is a 'Psycho' like manner with the saw in her hand. As she lifts the saw ready to stab, the flash from he camera goes off, and we zoom out from a still picture of the last frame standing on the Addams mantlepiece:
Scene 16; The Addams Living Room (Not Present Day)
As we zoom out from the picture, we see Gomez and Morticia sat down. Gomez smoking a cigar, and Morticia drinking a suspicious-looking drink.
GOMEZ
Can you believe my luck ?
MORTICIA
Not luck Gomez, your brilliance.
GOMEZ
But you're their mother, and that's the luck I was talking about. I have a beautiful wife whom I can saw in half any time I wish, and two beautiful children who, judging by the sound they've been making, get along with each other perfectly. Could I ask for any more ?
MORTICIA
Another child maybe ?
GOMEZ
Not yet Tish. Maybe in about an hour.
MORTICIA
But you remember what that note said, Gomez. That we'll have three children.
GOMEZ
Yes. I wonder if that note does predict the future ?
MORTICIA
I think it does.
GOMEZ
Then we should attempt it.
MORTICIA
And influence fate ?
GOMEZ
No, help fate along.
As they are about to kiss, the doorbell screams.
MORTICIA
Another one of your family risen from their graves to congratulate you ?
GOMEZ
No. I set them all to rest a few hours ago.
MORTICIA
Then who could it be ?
Gomez reaches and rings the bell, Lurch goes to answer the door, while Gomez and Morticia kiss. Granmama runs through with a suitcase.
GRANMAMA
Helo you two.
MORTICIA
Granmama. What a terrifying surprise.
GOMEZ
Granmama, welcome to the house that never sleeps.
GRANMAMA
Come and squeeze all the air out of your older sibling, both of you.
Both Gomez and Morticia hug Granmama.
GRANMAMA
Still as firm as ever. I found this for you on the doorstep.
She hands Gomez a note - looking very much like the others. Gomez opens it up, and looks at Morticia.
MORTICIA
What does it say ?
GOMEZ
Once more.
MORTICIA
Only one more baby.
GRANMAMA
You're pregnant again ? I'm so happy for you both !
MORTICIA
No, it's just a little matter we're discussing.
GRANMAMA
Well good. You're not ready for another baby. Not as soon as this after the birth of the last.
Morticia smiles at her.
MORTICIA
You should have told us you were coming over. We could have found the bed of nails for you.
GRANMAMA
Not to worry. I'll settle for an uncomfortable mattress for a while.
GOMEZ
Will you be staying long ?
GRANMAMA
As long as I must to help you two cope with the new arrival. Speaking of him, where is the little demon ?
The three walk into the hallway, where the remains of the egg remain.
MORTICIA
I'll take you to him now, granmama.
GRANMAMA
No, I'll be fine. Is this where he was born ?
GOMEZ
It sure was.
GRANMAMA
Well I have a fantastic recipe to make with an egg's shell.
GOMEZ
Granmama, your cooking always satisfies.
GRANMAMA
I'll get to work as soon as I've pinched the little-one's.
MORTICIA
Are you sure you don't want me to take you up ?
GRANMAMA
No, I'm fine thank you. I'll just follow the screams.
She walks up the stairs. Gomez turns to Morticia.
GOMEZ
I had a feeling she might turn up.
MORTICIA
I know. Mind you, she was a great help to me around the house when Wednesday was first born.
GOMEZ
Did we tell her that Pugsley had been born ?
MORTICIA
I didn't.
GOMEZ
Well I didn't either.
MORTICIA
Then how did she know ?
Granmama comes from one side of the staircase and walks over to the other.
GRANMAMA
I'll find my way. And the answer to your question is that my psychic powers tell me everything I need to know.
She exits. Gomez turns to Morticia and they both exchange interested looks. Fade to:
Scene 17; The Addams Dining Room
Gomez and Morticia are sat down on one side of the table, with baby Pugsley and young Wednesday both in high chairs (which have coffin-shaped trays) on the opposite side. Granmama comes up to them with her cauldron and starts 'pouring' some suspicious-looking food onto their plates.
GOMEZ
You sure can't beat good old fashioned home cooking.
GRANMAMA
Exactly what I always say, Gomez.
She sits down at the head of the table.
GRANMAMA
What have you been eating recently ?
GOMEZ
Oh, Lurch prepares a very delicious assortment of food.
MORTICIA
Yes, and he uses only organic vegetables. All grown in my garden. You see, granmama, I never use chemicals and such on my plants, only real ingredients go into the plant foods. I'm currently discussing the possibility of growing food for a big chain of supermarkets across the country.
GRANMAMA
The exact same thing is true about my cooking, Morticia dear.
MORTICIA
You're cooking on a contract to a chain of supermarkets ?
GRANMAMA
No. The only chain I've come across in the one holding your alligator in his place.
GOMEZ
Well there's plenty more around the house if you look.
GRANMAMA
What I meant was that only natural ingredients go into my food. I kill them all myself.
They all start eating.
MORTICIA
Granmama, this is delicious.
GOMEZ
It sure is. Nothing against Lurch, but I miss good home-cooking very much.
GRANMAMA
I could teach you, Morticia.
MORTICIA
Oh no. I couldn't possibly do this good a job at it. I have too much on my plate already with my gardening, my husband and my taxidermy.
GRANMAMA
Well never mind. I can send you something through the post often enough.
As they start eating again, fade back to:
Scene 18; The Present Day (Continued)
GOMEZ
Granmama's cooking was a nice change from the sweet taste we used to have in our mouths from Lurch's cooking.
MORTICIA
And she put my plants to good use aswell.
WEDNESDAY
Why didn't she cook Pugsley ?
MORTICIA
Wednesday darling, she didn't stay very long that time. Only enough to give your father and I some time to strangle each other.
PUGSLEY
Then why is she here now ?
GRANMAMA
They couldn't do without me.
MORTICIA
That's right. With the new arrival, I didn't have time to look after the house, and Lurch was always looking after you children while your father and I... did something else. The interiors of the house began deteriorating.
Flashback to:
Scene 19; The Addams' Hallway
The hallway looks more colourful than usual, and much tidier. The armour etc. on the walls are polished, and the place looks much more like a 'normal' grand house.
Five-year-old Wednesday walks out of the left hand entrance on the staircase, and runs across to exit through the right hand entrance, followed closely by Morticia - improvising threats and calling Wednesday. After they both exit, Wednesday once again comes out of the left hand entrance, crossing the stairs, and exiting through the right hand entrance. Morticia once again follows her, but this time with a reaping-hook in her hand. Once they have exited, Gomez walks on from one downstairs entrance, looking very tired and 'smoking' an unlit cigar. Morticia comes from one of the doors upstairs looking a mess (hair in a mess etc.). She walks down to Gomez.
MORTICIA
We need help, Gomez.
GOMEZ
No we don't, look at this place, it looks beautiful.
MORTICIA
You need help, Gomez.
She takes his cigar from his mouth, lights it with the fireplace and smokes it herself.
GOMEZ
Tish, since when have you started smoking again ?
MORTICIA
Don't worry Gomez. I'll stop once I get my cough back.
GOMEZ
No, keep smoking. We need to get some more smoke in the house. It's lost all it's atmosphere.
MORTICIA
Everything we've built up and destroyed over the years.
GOMEZ
How can we get the gloom and the stuffy smell back to replace the brightness and the sweet smell of... air freshener ?
MORTICIA
We need more help around the house. All the work is starting to get to poor Lurch by now.
Lurch walks past wearing an apron and carrying a feather duster.
MORTICIA
If we get someone else in to help, we could ease the stress on us.
GOMEZ
Then let's do it. We hardly have any time to do anything anymore.
MORTICIA
But Gomez darling, the last nanny we had disappeared after only one day of work. I swear I can still hear her screams late at night coming from the direction on the pool.
GOMEZ
The poor piranhas must be restless with all that noise.
MORTICIA
If only Fester was here, we could make another servant.
GOMEZ
Well he isn't, so we'll have to hire another servant.
MORTICIA
Or call someone who loves the children as much as we do and who can cook disgusting tasting meals, just as we like them, and therefore give me time to concentrate on... other things.
GOMEZ
Sweet mademoiselle, name this creature.
MORTICIA
Granmama.
GOMEZ
Of course. Why didn't I think of that ?
Scene 20; The Living Room
Morticia is playing with a small fly-trap plant, while Gomez is taking hot coal from the fire and placing them on the floor while granmama is pouring them all a drink.
MORTICIA
Oh Gomez, the dirt is back on the carpets, the cobwebs are back filling the corners, the smell of rotting flesh is once again filling the air.
GRANMAMA
Have you been going through my recipe book ?
MORTICIA
But we owe it all to you, granmama. If it wasn't for you, we'd still be living out hopeless dreams. We'd still be worried if the grass wasn't cut or if the meat was overdone. We can guarantee that the grass will be long and that the meat in undercooked now that you're here.
GRANMAMA
Thank you Morticia.
GOMEZ
We only hope we can make it a more permanent residence.
GRANMAMA
Well, I have nowhere else to go. And I want to feel that I'm useful in my old age.
MORTICIA
You'd certainly be useful here.
Gomez starts walking on the hot coal.
GOMEZ
Finally, I'll have blisters again.
MORTICIA
Gomez darling, make sure that burns a hole in the carpet.
GRANMAMA
I just don't want to feel that you're going to any trouble to keep me here.
MORTICIA
Of course we're not. We haven't done anything.
GOMEZ
Hey Tish, I just had an idea. We could build a granny flat up in the attic.
MORTICIA
And disturb the bats ?
GRANMAMA
Oh no ! Leave the bats. I can make coats for the children using the leather from their wings.
GOMEZ
Then that's settled.
He gets off the coal, and rings the bell. Lurch enters.
LURCH
You rang.
GOMEZ
Yes Lurch, could you move granmama's things out of the shallow grave, and into the attic.
Lurch walks away, groaning.
MORTICIA
Isn't it nice to see him back as his old self again ?
GOMEZ
Of course it is. And granmama, welcome back to the family.
GRANMAMA
Frightened, I'm sure.
A scream is heard upstairs.
MORTICIA
Children ! I'd better go upstairs and make sure Wednesday's using the guillotine properly.
She kisses Gomez and goes upstairs.
GOMEZ
It's Wednesday's first time with the guillotine. We're so proud of her.
Fade back to:
Scene 21; The Present Day
Granmama is crying with happiness.
MORTICIA
They grow up so quickly. Why it seems only yesterday that Wednesday was playing with the shotgun. Now she uses the cannon.
GOMEZ
I know Tish. But look how well we've brought them up.
Cut to Pugsley and Wednesday. Pugsley looks depressed, and is shrugging, while Wednesday stands lifeless as usual. Cut back.
MORTICIA
I know. Soon they'll be leaving, and we'll be all alone again.
GOMEZ
Doing everything we used to do before they came along.
WEDNESDAY
We can go now. At least, (she looks at Pugsley) he can.
MORTICIA
You go back to bed now children.
PUGSLEY
Do we have to ?
FESTER
Come on. I'll tuck you in.
They go upstairs.
MORTICIA
Sweet Nightmares !
GRANMAMA
I'm going out to the graveyard. There are a few invitations I haven't handed out yet.
She exits.
MORTICIA
We're alone again.
GOMEZ
We sure are.