Please read "Sokka's Guide to Water Tribe Appeal" - on which this is a carry on. Plus, it'll give you some awesome ideas on how to be coooooooooooooooool.
PULLLLLEEEEEASE leave reviews (on both) and let me know you stopped by. And if you want to buy me Avatar (yes, this is an admission of not owning it) you know where to reach me. I don't even own Haru, Jet or Teo which will be the focus of my next fic, if I am motivated (hint, hint... help me!) to do so.
As Requested by TeenAnimeOtaku
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We begin with three girls sitting on chairs in the midst of a studio. A HOST sits across from them. But they're no ordinary girls... they're... "Ozai's Angels"
And they're here to give up the low down on Fire Nation Appeal.
So forget continuously repeating the words "water tribe" and get fired up for the Fire Nation...
The host begins talking to the audience...
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HOST
Thanks for joining us. Last week, we got a run down on how to get endowed with the water tribe appeal from everyone's most popular guy - Sokka!
This week, we find out that the Fire Nation have a much different approach.
Heat, power, bloodthirsty, rendezvous...
AZULA
(annoyed)
Are you done?
TY LEE
Shhh, Zula... he's describing you!
HOST
Ahem. So now we have three ladies who are literally the finest of the Fire Nation warriors... but watch out fella's... they're hot.
MAI
(unamused)
Was that supposed to be a pun?
TY LEE
(whispering)
You know... is it just me, or is the host kinda cute?
MAI
(to Azula)
Are you sure she's not nearsighted?
HOST
First up. Let's talk about choosing a man. Azula. Your thoughts?
AZULA
Let me get this straight, I don't like men... well, people in general. Especially those from other Nations... but a girl has needs.
HOST
Hmmm... That doesn't sound straight to me.
Azula raises an eyebrow and her fingers twitch with electric currents. She points one at him.
AZULA
I'm about to send a bolt of lightening directly to your groinal region. You won't feel anything at first, but then after a minute, the worst suffering you would have ever experienced to your manhood will have cut in... do I make myself clear?
HOST
Heh-heh. Please. Continue.
AZULA
Alright. I like someone strong. But not stronger than me, like that's possible. Someone that can easily be controlled. So preferably someone stupid... but still masculine.
TY LEE
And he has to be cute!
MAI
(drolly)
Like a puppy dog?
TY LEE
(looking hopeful)
Zula? Will you let me get a puppy dog?
AZULA
(not impressed)
Mai here likes someone who can drown puppy dogs, right?
TY LEE
Zu-zu would never drown a puppy dog.
MAI
(agitated, as per usual)
Next!
HOST
OK. Next up, is catching a man. I'm sure you girls are no stranger to this one.
AZULA
First thing you should do is...
TY LEE
Check to see the color of their aura!
AZULA
Incase them in a circle of flames, to check if they can stand the heat.
TY LEE
But checking their aura would take a lot less time.
AZULA
Can we get her out of here?
MAI
(yawning)
Next!
HOST
Alright. How about dumping a man?
AZULA
This is also a good way to tell if a man is worthwhile or not. If he cries like a baby when you get the guards to forcably remove him, then you've wasted your time. If he knocks down all the guards... he might have promise.
HOST
Mai, you've been awfully quiet.
TY LEE
Oh, that's because she's not interested. She's waiting around for Zula's brother.
MAI
(angrily)
I'm JUST. NOT. INTERESTED. Full stop.
HOST
So what about grooming. How do you gals keep yourself attractive?
TY LEE
(giggles)
A good work-out... and good eyebrows.
AZULA
Practice with Fire Nation Army Soldiers. I like to test them. Daddy lets me. After all, if they can't beat a girl - they're in the wrong Nation and they're in the wrong army.
Grooming is very important. After all, we like to look our best.
What a meager victory it would be if we looked like the dirty Earth Nation peasants... or the over-clothed, homely Water Tribe... or my homeless brother and weak uncle. Fire Nation has a reputation to keep. I can only be thankful that such tattered, ugly people no longer have a home in my nation.
HOST
Lastly, what about love?
Azula falls on the floor, snorting with laugher. Mai sits stoically (which means her expression doesn't change) and Ty Lee's eyes shine with hope for the future.
AZULA
Fire Nation Royalty don't fall in love. It's convenience. When I am Fire Lady, I will have many maidens in which to bear my children.
Who knows, if you're lucky Ty Lee, you might even become one of them...
I pity those who think about such things as marriage and love.
HOST
And on that miserable note, we finish our exclusive with three ladies who really know how to treat a man.
Perhaps next time we will have three of the Earth Nation's best to tell us their strategies.
All of a sudden a flurry of air whooshes into the studio. It's AANG.
AANG
What about Air Nomads? You can't have a special without air nomads.
Azula falls over with laughter again.
HOST
Since there's just one of you... yeah... we can...
AANG
(fishing)
Well, there's Avatar appeal...
HOST
(to Aang)
Nice try.
(back to audience)
And reviewers - flame on!
MAI
Another pun. How original.
AZULA
OK, girls. Hold down the Avatar!
AANG
Gulp!
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