Disclaimer: Arr avast ye salty dogs!

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Chapter 1 – The Story Begins…

The scene opens on a vast expanse of water, somewhere in the Caribbean where a ship was floating on the calm, glasslike surface of the sea. There was not hardly a wave to lap against the hull, nor was there hardly a wind to billow in the sails.

Grey, forbidding clouds scudded across the pearly moon, which hung like a ghost in the indigo sky and the mist was low and heavy over the water.

The mast and rigging of the ship creaked in an eldritch manner as the sails caught what little wind there was and propelled the vessel slowly onwards.

On the deck of this ship stood a young girl of about ten. She was travelling on this ship from England to Jamaica with her father. She looked out to the vast expanse of darkened water before her, brown curls snared in the breeze along with the heavy brocade folds of her dress. Her soft little voice carried far out to sea, singing a haunting, ageless sea-shanty she had picked up from the crew.

"LUUURVE SHACK IS A LITTLE OLD PLACE WHERE WE CAN GET TOGETH-ERRR" She sang, doing some impromptu dancing worthy of Britney Spears' pre-bald days.

She was suddenly silence by a rough hand on her shoulder. The girl leapt like salmon as she turned face Mr Gibbs, some guy who was hopefully going to help get them safely to Jamaica.

She shrieked in utmost terror whilst he stared at her in slight bemusement.

"Oh, sorry." She said when she realised who it was and stopped screaming. "Sorry Mr Gibbs, I thought you were one of the dead rotting corpses of the horsemen of the apocalypse. This light really does no favours for you." She raised a hand to her fluttering heart and flashed him an innocent smile.

"Oh, aye, aye. That it doesn't. I'm considering surgery." He agreed solemnly. "I just came to tell yer to shut yer face. There be cursed pirates in these waters. Wouldn't like to get beaten up by one would yer?"

Just as she was about to agree with this reasoning, Lieutenant Norrington came perving over.

"Missssssssster Gibbs, that will do." He said sleazily. "I'd tell you what I'D like to do…" His winking and nodding at the girl was accompanied by a few pelvic thrusts, just so the rest of everyone who ever existed were sure on exactly what he meant. "Right, Elizabeth, eh, eh?? WOOF WOOF!" He said, nudging the ten year old with his elbow. She wrinkled her nose in disgust and took a step to the left.

"But! But! But! She was singin' the accursed song. She was singin'… the B52's…" Mr Gibbs whispered. "It's bad luck to be singin' Love Shack with all this fog… Mark my words…"

"Consider them totally and utterly ignored. Right, on your way." Norrington said with a satisfied nod.

"Huh?" Gibbs was confused.

"Get back to your duties."

"Wha?"

"Get out of my sight!!"

"Eh?"

"JUST PISS OFF YOU INSOLENT BEING!!"

"Oh, right. O' course Lieutenant. Yer should have said Lieutenant." Gibbs scurried off to the other side of the ship so he could carry on pretending like he was doing something, whilst actually he was drinking rum out of a secret barrel he kept in his pocket.

Elizabeth shrugged. "I think it would be a bit of a laugh to meet a pirate. Y'know a bit of a groove? Have a little party with a bit of the old Love Shack…"

"Think again Miss Swann. Violent, smelly people the lot of them. No sense of style at all. I am going to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag, wears the pirate brand or has a pirate themed party get what he deserves." Norrington posed dramatically, in the mistaken belief that he looked really heroic. It was slightly ruined by someone shouting in the background, "YOU JUST DON'T LIKE THAT THEY HAVE BETTER PARTIES THAN YOU!!!" Norrington cast this man an angry glare, but he was really short sighted so couldn't actually tell who said it, therefore ceasing the action of shooting the bugger.

Elizabeth looked fearful. "Wha… What do they deserve?"

"Who?"

"The pirates."

"Oh right them." Norrington resumed his heroic pose. "A short drop and a sudden stop. A poke in the eye and a kick up the arse and a slicing and dicing and a running through and a short back and sides and a taste of their own medicine…"

As Norrington rambled on about basically nothing, Elizabeth cast a confused gaze over to Mr Gibbs who was currently acting out Norrington's threats. When they got to the part about "listening to Elvis on repeat" Elizabeth's eyes widened in horror and she quickly looked back at the Lieutenant, begging him to stop. However, he mistook her horror for delight and went on with more gusto. "Then we RIP out their intestines and wrap them around their own HEAD and stick their COLON up their nose so, basically the bugger is smelling his own farts. Then, right, listen to this; it's the best bit. You've got to get two steel forks and shove them RIGHT into their eye sockets and TWIST it around a bit and then you-"

Very suddenly, Elizabeth's father, Governor Swann, stopped admiring his manicure and realised his young daughter was chucking-up over the side of the ship. He slimed over and cut off the rambling pervert in mid ramble.

"Er, Lieutenant Norrington. I appreciate you trying to teach my daughter a valuable life lesson-" He was interrupted by Norrington leering at Elizabeth and going, "I'll show YOU a life lesson. Eh, eh?" accompanied by some more pelvis action.

"BUT" The Governor continued loudly. "I'm a tad concerned about the effect this subject will have on her." He went over to Elizabeth who had stopped barfing at his point, and put his arm around her protectively.

Elizabeth shook and looked blankly ahead, mumbling to herself about "steel forks" and "colons".

"I thought she was finding it rather fascinating." Norrington grumbled.

"That's what's concerning me." The Governor said.

"Well, alright then. I think I've sufficiently horrified and repulsed you enough for thirty-five years of therapy and nightmares. Good day." Norrington perved off, grumbling to himself, "I'll show YOU what's fascinating. WOOF WOOF!"

Governor Swann pranced off to go and re-style his wig, leaving Elizabeth to ponder over the useful pieces of information she had just received. As she looked out across the water, she realised there was something floating towards the boat. As it came nearer, she saw it was a parasol. She looked slightly confused as a chair came floating up behind it. Then a wig. Then a cat that mewed pitifully. Then a television set, which was weird since they hadn't even been invented yet. Then Fairfax and Carsters from 'Allo 'Allo, who shouted "HELLO!!" loudly as they floated by.

Now, Elizabeth wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, so she spent a few moments pondering the strange sight and didn't realise the burning shipwreck and hoards of screaming men until it their ship was practically on top of it.

"Daddy!!" She screamed, deafening around thirty people as she did so. "Daaaaaddy, look!! There's a shipwreck!!" As her father pranced over, accompanied by most of the crew, she looked around at the crowd of drowning sailors and caught sight of a small boy lying on top of a raft made from two crewmen and a table leg. She pulled on her fathers voluminous and frankly rather feminine sleeve. "Can I have that one? Please, daddy, can I keep him?"

"Now, Elizabeth." Her father said sternly. "Hadn't you better pick one that's slightly more… well… alive?" He spied her face turning a scary shade of red and knew it was the wrong thing to say.

"But I want THAT ONE!!! I WANTHIMIWANTHIMIWANTHIIIIIM!!!" She screamed, drowning out Norrington's mutter of "I know what I want. Woof!"

Governor Swann sighed and patted his wig. "Alright fine. Bring him aboard!" A group of crewmen leapt into action and Elizabeth hugged her father. "Thank you daddy. I love you." She batted her eyelashes prettily at him. As the boy was dragged onto deck in a rather rough fashion, the Governor looked sternly at his daughter.

"Now, Elizabeth, you do realised having a pet is a lot of responsibility. You have to feed him and walk him every day; I'm not going to end up doing it for you. That is, if he's still alive." He added as an afterthought, glancing at the still figure on the deck. "Well off, you go then." He smiled. "And remember what I said. R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y." He then flounced off to re-re-style his wig as it had become frizzy in all the excitement.

"Sir, what are we goin' to do about the rest of 'em?" A passing crewmember asked him, pointing at the men wailing "HEEELP MEEEEE" in the water.

He wrinkled his nose at the sailor. "Well I don't want them cluttering up my ship." He said turning to walk off. He was again stopped, this time by Mr Gibbs who said loudly "Everyone was thinkin' it. I'm just saying it. PIRATES!" He shouted pointing at the wreckage as they sailed past.

"Actually I was thinking about the Powerpuff Girls." Said one surly looking crewman. Another crewman nodded in agreement.

Governor Swann snorted in a rather unladylike fashion. "Don't be silly. There is absolutely no proof of that. Powerpuggs. Really. And pirates aren't real either." He said, ignoring the skull and cross bones flag that was speared to the mast of the unfortunate vessel, along with a scrawled message of 'Barbossa woz 'ere'.

"And besides," Norrington said as he moonwalked past. "No one actually cares Gibbs. WOOF!"

Whilst the adults where having their grown up conversation, Elizabeth was left to care for the nearly dead boy. Because obviously, the child with zero medical experience is the best person for this. But also because the ship's doctor was too busy with one of the crew who had received a nasty splinter.

She sat and stared at the boy for a full minute before sighing loudly. "This is sooo boring." She said "You're boring!" She pulled out a length of string tied into a loop. She began to play cats cradle with herself before realising you need two people to play.

She drummed her fingers on the deck and hummed the forbidden song to herself for a while. She turned back to the boy and decided to wake him up.

"Hello?" She said. "Hello??" She repeated a bit louder this time. She raised a pointy little finger and then stabbed it sharply into his chest. "HELLO???"

Quite suddenly he snapped awake and grabbed her arm. "ARRR. What the blazes did yer do that fer, yer crazy wench. Arrr, walk the plank!!" He shouted, panting heavily,

She removed her hand from his iron-like grip and rubbed it crossly with her free hand. "Ow! That really hurt! And after, I, Elizabeth Swann, the most fabulous person ever, wasted seven whole minutes of my life watching over you."

Mistaking her enraged speech for an introduction he said. "W-w-w… w-w-w…w-w-w-wi-wi… w-w-wi-w-wi… wi-wi-wi-w-wi…"

Elizabeth decided to 'play along'. "Ooooh!" She squealed. "A game! I love games! Erm… w… WITCH! No? Um… WHEELBARROW! No?? Umm… WIDDERSHINS?? IT'S A REAL WORD! NO?? ER, ER, ER"

"W-wi-wi-wi… WILL TURNER!" The boy managed to gasp.

"What?" Elizabeth said incredulously. "That's a stupid answer. How was I supposed to get that?? Anyway, my turn-"

"No that's my name. Will Turner." Will Turner said, utterly bewildered as to what was going on.

"Oh? OH I SEE! Well, mines Elizabeth Swann." Elizabeth replied, patting his hand.

"I know." He said.

"How?"

"You just said."

"Oh right, okay then." There was a bit of silence. "Well, um. You know. Don't be afraid or anything. I'm, er. Watching over you." She said, flashing him her prettiest smile.

"Righto." Will looked around. "Well. I'll be going back to sleep then. On this… hard… uncomfortable deck, then?" He hinted hopefully.

"Okay then." Elizabeth sat back and fiddled with the hem of her skirt. Disgruntled, Will went back to sleep. On the hard… uncomfortable… deck. When there was probably a perfectly good bed somewhere…

As he slept, Elizabeth surveyed his appearance. Suddenly she caught sight of something shiny. She gently pulled out the golden chain around his neck and exclaimed. "Oh wicked! Blingin'!"

She studied the pendant carefully and spotting the skull emblem said joyfully. "GROOVY! You're a pirate!!" Before breaking into another verse of 'Love Shack'

"Has he said anything?" A voice said in her ear. She spun round and came face to face with a smirking Norrington. Hiding the pendant obviously behind her back, she said with shifty eyes "What? Me? I wasn't singing Love Shack, HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE-! Er, I mean. He said his name was Will."

"WOOF!" Norrington replied with a wink.

Elizabeth wandered off to the stern of the ship and looked more thoroughly at her new bling. As she lowered it from her line of vision she saw a ship in front of her, with ghostly tattered sails and the Jolly Roger flag. Several men where hanging off the ship going "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!! WAAAA!!!" at her, presumable to scare her. She gave them a funny look and at this point… She woke up.

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WOOF!