Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.
A/N: Thank you everyone who left a review last chapter! I really appreciate it. There's only one more chapter after this one. Enjoy :D
So. Sirius was in love with him. It really wasn't something to keep Remus up all night. Actually it was. And it did.
Sirius was in love with him. Sirius couldn't even tell someone what his middle name was, but he knew he was in love with Remus. It didn't make sense. The whole concept was medically and magically and unfathomably unbelievable.
How did that even happen? At what second in the not too distant past did Sirius fall in love?
In lust…was actually less believable to Remus. But it would have been less terrifying. Lust Remus could deal with. But love? Sirius was in love? Lust would have only made him wear layers in public and avoid Sirius's eyes and make him squirm in constant uncomfortableness. Love was worse.
Love made him think. Love made him question.
Was he in love with Sirius?
The answer that sprang to his mind in an instant wave every time he asked it was the reason he couldn't fall asleep.
No.
Remus loved Sirius. Remus loved James and Peter and Lily and his mother. Maybe he was fonder of Sirius than the above mentioned. And yes he was much more attracted to Sirius. But, he didn't love him anymore than the others. He didn't!
"Remus?"
"Yes?"
"You're muttering to yourself."
"Are you awake, James?"
"No. I'm not even here. I've moved. Far, far away."
Remus got up and went to James's bed across the dorm. He pulled back the curtains. James was sitting cross-legged on his bed, his lit wand tucked into and sticking out from the fly of his pants, Today's Quidditch Player opened in front of him. "Remind me to never, ever, borrow your wand."
James looked up suddenly. The bottom half of his face was affronted, the top half of his face (which was missing a very important accessory) simply looked squinty and unfocused. "Lupin, I'm wearing pants." James reached into the top of his trousers to pull up the hem of his underpants. "Are you gonna come in and mutter to me or will I have to return to strained listening?"
Remus climbed onto James's bed, settling himself against the footboard. "So." Remus looked at James. He suddenly felt like Sirius. Like he and Sirius must have switched bodies during his fall. It felt wrong that Sirius was down in the hospital wing, and he was asking James advice in the middle of the night. "Sirius is in love with me."
"When did that happen, by the way?"
"I thought you might know the answer to that."
"Sirius doesn't tell me about…you." James laughed; he twisted around to grab his glasses from under a pillow. "Unless it's, Remus won't let me copy his notes."
"Do you think I'm in love with Sirius?"
"Shouldn't you be asking your reflection that?" James wiggled back against his headboard. He wasn't the heart to heart type, Remus remembered; unless James was the one with the problem, then oh of course he needed a shoulder to blot his tears on. "Well, Moony," James finally said. "He did hit his head."
"Maybe he hit his head a long time ago and that's what started this whole liaison and now every time he suffers a major head trauma he'll just fall deeper and deeper in love with me until he proclaims to be my soul mate and demands we get matching moon and star tattoos."
"Ok. That was only a little hysterical." James shifted forward. "You're not in love with Sirius, I take it."
Remus could only shake his head, eyes sinking down to his lap. "I love him. I love you too not like that. But. In love? How…James, how do you even know you're in love?" Remus hated asking James, who he knew was going to act all wise and experienced, but his next option would be owling his mother and that might only aid in adding to her Where We Went Wrong With Remus list.
James cleared his throat, and fell back against his pillows. "Being the expert in this subject…" James's face sank into a sudden serious frown and Remus thought for a second that their conversation was going to take a drastic U-turn onto James and Lily Street where they'd have a big discussion on whether or not he's really in love which didn't matter in the slightest to Remus's future.
"I don't know, Moony," James whispered. "It's…you feel constant happiness, I guess. This fluttery warm feeling, even when you're only thinking of that person. And you never feel lonely and everything is just, everything is just better."
"That was bloody sappy."
"Shut it Wormtail! Like you even know." Remus watched James's cheeks burn into rubies. "The only thing you've ever fell in love with was that extra piece of minced pie you got last Christmas feast." Remus laughed and shifted his body so he could slip off of James's bed. Once utter embarrassment entered the scene it usually meant the death of any conversations within a five mile radius. "Wait," James hissed, pulling him back. "I really don't care to know any more about you and Sirius than I've already walked in on because gross but, do you feel those feelings?"
Remus rubbed his hands over his face. "I don't know. I've never thought about it." He never did. Every moment he spent with Sirius was spent in constant waiting for him to say "Ha, ha. I got you!"
"Well." James very inconspicuously cracked his knuckles. "You better make up your mind soon. He's my best mate, you know."
"I know!" Remus whipped back around to look at James. "Are you threatening me?"
"Maybe," James shrugged. "I'm just letting you know, I've got his back."
"Listen to him trying to be all tough now."
"Wormtail! Why are you so mean in the morning?"
"I think it's all those nocturnal rodent genes I have now."
Remus flopped back down onto his own bed. Maybe that was his problem too. Why he could never sleep or make a decision or look directly into any light source really. All those nocturnal wolf genes.
"So, what're you going to do, Moony?"
"I suppose I'll just mentally catalog all my thoughts throughout the day and then form a conclusion."
"That's very Remus Lupin of you, but just wait till he's back to normal before you break his heart if that's your final decision." Remus heard the bed springs on James's bed cry out as he turned around. "I don't want to see him cry again."
"Oh, man," Peter shouted. "That was-"
"Nix discussion, Wormy. We can get two more hours in before we need to pick up the pile of former Sirius goo."
Remus pulled his blanket over his head. It wasn't even dawn and the day was already way to mentally taxing.
"Back! Back!" James somehow managed to twist the top half of his body around in the tight space. His left hand was firmly gripped on Remus's wrist. His right stayed throbbing, hovering at the ready over his pocket. He looked up at Madame Pomfrey. "Please let me hex them?"
"No," Pomfrey firmly bellowed, but her eyes said yes, James thought. He gave one last hard yank on Remus's arm pulling him through the crowd and into the infirmary.
"Go to breakfast, ladies," Pomfrey shouted, slamming the door.
"Do you have Stubby Boardman staying here? In the hospital? At Hogwarts?"
"Sorry, Mr. Potter. Just Sirius Black." Pomfrey glowered at her door. Most likely envisioning the other side. And the 49 girls gathered around it waving get well posters and candy and one audacious Hufflepuff girl who tried to sling shot a pair of panties.
"We always knew he was popular," Peter commented, while trying to slyly show James a corner of lacy pink fabric he had shoved up the sleeve of his robe.
"Unfortunately, Mr. Pettigrew," Pomfrey's hand came out of no where and slid expertly up Peter's sleeve. "Sirius doesn't remember that he's popular and refuses to leave." She held up Peter's hidden treasure and tisked.
Remus, who was feeling extremely frazzled, stepped around Pomfrey towards Sirius's bed.
Huddled around a pillow, Sirius raised his head as Remus got closer. Sirius's bed could have very well morphed into a lava pit with the way he leapt off of it, kicking and flinging pillows and blankets all over the place. One spectacular kick sent a pillow directly at Pomfrey's nose. Peter doubled over with laughter, especially since he hated no one more than he hated her and her panty stealing ways at the moment.
Sirius scrambled as quickly as he could manage over to Remus and huddled around him, pushing his face into his neck.
"Unk. Hi, Sirius," Remus chocked out. Sirius's nose was pushing uncomfortably into his Adam's apple.
"Help me." Sirius picked his head up. "I need to get out of here, Remus! It smells like disinfectant and old lady."
"Well, then we'll just leave, ok?" Remus felt like a mother. A mother who's son was touching their ass which he hated, (the mother feeling not the ass touching).
"Just leave? But all those girls are out there. What do they want with me?"
James stepped up next to Remus and Sirius. "Sirius, you're popular. With the ladies. Ironic."
"With everyone really," Peter added. "The Great Sirius Black they call you."
Sirius's eyes spread out into wide circles of aweness. "They do?"
"No," Remus laughed. "That's what we call you when you're trying to out big head James."
"Who's James again?"
"I am," James said through gritted teeth.
Sirius shook his head, whipping Remus's eyeballs with his split ends. "I don't understand. Why would girls want me? Don't they know-"
"No," all three boys shouted, before Sirius could confirm Pomfrey's suspicions.
"Mr. Black," Pomfrey called. She came over to them, her hands held behind her back. "Do you remember what you look like?"
Sirius separated his body from Remus's and threaded his fingers through his hair, stretching it out so that it entered his line of vision. "Black hair, pale-ish skin."
Pomfrey, going against all the rules of Professor/Student relations, Remus noted, pulled a hand mirror from behind her back and held it up in front of Sirius.
"Oh," Sirius said. Remus saw the gray eyes of Sirius's reflection glitter. He felt warm all over. Well, he's good looking, of course I'd get all girly over that, Remus thought. Means nothing. More research.
"I guess I don't really blame them," Sirius said, making model faces in the mirror.
James grabbed his collar and pulled him away. "How about we brave the crowd and get the hell away from here." He leant over towards Peter. "You're aces at silent wand work, right?" Peter winked and nodded
"I can't believe you Bat Bogey-ed all those girls."
"We had to Moony. They were going to rip Sirius apart!" The four made it unscathed through the girls, thanks to Peter's unusual talent at charms and ran up to Gryffindor Tower to change Sirius into his robes before classes started.
"Remus?" Sirius stepped closer to Remus and grabbed his hand. "That painting just winked at me."
"Sirius-"
"Afternoon boys."
"And that painting just talked. I think I want to leave."
James and Peter clasped shaky hands over their mouths making odd gurking, hiccupping noises. "They're magic, Sirius. Everything's magic."
"You should probably just get used to it now, or you'll be asking a lot of questions today. Bludgers!" James shouted the password to the tower and pushed Sirius in. "This is where we live." James motioned for Sirius to follow him. "Our room is this way." James led Sirius over to a staircase. At the last second he stepped back to allow Sirius to move ahead of him up the stairs. James pointed at Peter, who covered Remus's open mouth before he could say anything.
Sirius disappeared up the stairs and ten seconds later came sliding down them. "What?" he laughed, despite his overwhelming confusion. "How are you supposed to get up them?"
"Those lead to the girls dorms," Remus scowled, helping Sirius up. "Come on. We don't have time for this.
"James?" Remus grabbed James's shoulders and looked right into his hazel eyes. "I need to use the loo. Help him change. Help him." Remus shook James shoulders an extra time before he turned to go to the bathroom.
"Come here, Sirius," James called. "These are your robes."
Sirius looked up and down at the black fabric James presented him. "We don't wear normal clothes, Jacob?"
"First of all, James! Second, these are normal for wizards."
"Oh." Sirius took the robes, but still looked confused. "What do we wear under them?"
"Nothing," James deadpanned. He looked over Sirius's shoulder at Peter, who was nodding and red in the face from holding his breath. "Well, you can wear pants of course, and socks. But clothes are unnecessary."
"Oh, ok." Sirius smiled at James, which made him feel sick in the stomach for about five whole seconds. "Thanks…um…James!"
James clapped Sirius on the back and walked over to Peter. "If Moony mounts me on the wall, make sure I get decorated every Christmas.
Their first class was Charms. N.E.W.T. level. Sirius walked in between James and Remus into the classroom, clutching his robes around his body and looking completely self-conscious. Remus moved closer to Sirius and patted him on the small of the back. When Sirius turned and flashed him the biggest smile, Remus felt something electric rip through his body. He filed it away for later decision making.
"This is Charms, Sirius," Remus whispered to him, once they were seated in their usual spots. Sirius turned to Remus, giving him all the attention in the world. "It's all about wand work. Do you remember ever using a wand?"
Sirius mushed his face up for a moment, but ultimately shook his head.
"Well, that's alright. You'll remember soon. You have a wand, but James has it right now for safe keeping. Charms are used to enchant inanimate objects and to-" Remus's lecture was stopped. By Sirius's mouth, and his spontaneous attempt to kiss him. Their lips touched briefly before Remus pushed him away.
"Oh," Sirius said, looking confused for the millionth time that morning. "I'm sorry…?"
"No, no," Remus muttered. He looked around the room, but thankfully no one seemed to be staring at them with wide eyed shock. "It's…Sirius, we don't do that in public, ok?"
"Never?"
"Never."
"Not even when we want to?"
Remus shook his head.
"Can we hold hands under the table?" Remus shook his head again feeling like the worst person on Earth. "Remus?" Sirius moved closer and his eyes were big and watery and Remus wondered if maybe Sirius damaged a tear duct when he fell. "Don't you love me back?"
"What?" Remus sputtered. Sirius wasn't supposed to just come out and ask him that; it ruined all of Remus's plans.
"It's nice to see Mr. Black's feeling better," Professor Flitwick shouted, beaming at Sirius. "Now, let's turn-"
Sirius was no longer facing Remus, but staring in wonderment at the little man in front of him. There was no way Remus was going to be able to concentrate. All he could think about was how he couldn't leave Sirius thinking that he didn't really love him. That must mean something, Remus thought. If I didn't, then I wouldn't care, I guess. Remus slowly reached under the desk and grabbed Sirius's thigh. He meant this as a reassuring gesture, but something was wrong.
"Sirius?" Remus whispered. He started rubbing his hand up and down Sirius's leg. "Are you not wearing trousers?"
"James said-"
"James!" Remus looked over Sirius's head. James was biting his lip. He raised his eyebrows at Remus. Remus pointed at James, and dragged a finger across his throat
Remus was anxious and twittery as he left Arithmancy. After Charms, Remus split from the other three who had a free period. This day he allowed his punctual self to be late to class, so he could personally take Sirius up to the dorm to put clothes on. They parted on a sour note, and Remus was so angry that Sirius ever fell off that broom and ruined everything.
Up in the dorm, Sirius asked Remus if he could kiss him now. Of course being in the safety of their dorm, Remus said yes. But, he didn't feel right. He couldn't figure out if it was because Sirius wasn't the usual cheeky, clever Sirius he normally was (asking permission, for crying out loud!) or because now he knew that those kisses were not just playing around in Sirius's mind and Remus still couldn't decide how he felt. The last thing he should be thinking when kissing someone was about whether or not he even should be kissing them, so he told Sirius to stop.
Sirius looked at Remus, with swollen pink lips and mussed hair. Then screamed, "You're the only thing I remember, Remus Lupin! And you're making me want to forget you too!" Sirius pushed past Remus and stormed out of the dorm.
Even thinking back on that made Remus throw up a little in his mouth. He might have made a horrible, dreadful mistake, which must mean something. Remus decided that during his upcoming break he was going to make up his mind. He was either in love with Sirius or not. There was no room for a middle ground.
"Bludgers," Remus said to the Fat Lady. As she swung open, a blast of raucous laughter swarmed into Remus's ears.
The sound increased with each step Remus took, until he stood in the lumpy shadow of almost every sixth and seventh year Gryffindor grouped together around a table, where Sirius stood hands on hips and smiling.
"You're next to test my memory" he said, pointing down into the crowd. Remus stood on the tip of his toes to see over the crowd. He was shocked to see Lily Evans jump up onto a chair and point across the room.
"That boy over there with the stupid hair and ugly glasses. What's his name again?"
Sirius followed Lily's finger. "Oh yeah! That's uh, um, oh! Jenkins!"
Lily fell off the chair and onto Frank Longbottom. Her howling laughter was the loudest of the entire group.
"Jenkins?" James screamed. "That's not even a name!"
Remus was rooted to the spot.
"Hey, Sirius!" Remus turned around. Frank and another sixth year had moved over to the other side of the common room. "Come over here!"
Remus watched Sirius jump off the table. Watched Sirius lead the rest of the crowd across the room. Watched Sirius walk towards him, but not even look at him. Watched Sirius slam into his shoulder and then turn around to say "Oh sorry. Wasn't looking." Watched Sirius move along his merry way.
Remus definitely couldn't move.
"You ok, Remus?" Lily waved a hand in front of Remus's face.
"No," he said. "Sirius didn't even…didn't even look at me. Like I wasn't there. Like he didn't realize who I was."
Lily looked sincerely concerned. She grabbed Remus's hand. "He lost his memory."
"But, he remembered Remus, remember?" James grabbed his girlfriend's other hand, and in a moment of mental hilarity Remus thought they might start skipping around the room like three year olds.
"He's mad at me," Remus said. More high caliber laughter filled the room. "Mad at me! Because he said he's in love with me, and I don't know if I am, Lily! And it's ruining my life!" Remus ripped Lily's other hand from James's grip. "Tell me if I am Lily! You see everything right? What book can I read that will tell me if I'm in love with Sirius?"
"Remus." Lily's voice was an even monotone. The kind one used on a mental patient. "I can't, nor can a book, tell you that. Only this can." Lily jabbed Remus in the chest, in the heart. "Listen to me. For once forget what you are, forget that you're supposedly dangerous, and just listen to Remus. He's smart." Lily gave Remus her best sweet smile.
"Man, I want to have your babies," James sighed, wrapping his arms around Lily.
"But, Sirius hates me now. He said he wants to forget me."
"Hey, Sirius! Over here!" James unwrapped himself from Lily. Sirius bounded over to them. And Remus's heart sunk, (that must mean something). Sirius didn't even blink in his direction. "Listen mate, there's something you need to know."
"OK," Sirius looked expectantly at James. "But hurry up. I love being popular!"
James sighed and gripped Sirius's shoulder. "No one wanted to tell you, but…it's wrong that you don't know."
"Don't know what? Spit it out, Jeff."
"James! Alright, the fall…well, it did something to you…"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, James. I lost my memory."
James shook his head. "No. It changed you. Sirius...up until yesterday…you were a woman."
Lily gasped and bit down on her bottom lip. Remus waited for Sirius to turn to him with that wide eyed look of hope. He didn't.
"That, that can't be true," Sirius stuttered.
"Sirius, look at your hair. It's almost longer than Lily's." It was Sirius's turn to gasp. "You better go see Pomfrey. She'll explain this better."
"Who's Pomfrey?" Sirius's voice wavered again, as if he was about to stat to completely sob. Remus couldn't help but think that James got it backwards; the fall turned Sirius into a woman.
"The hospital. Where you woke up." James spun Sirius around. "You better hurry mate. Before your boobs grow back." Sirius yelped and ran for his life.
When the portrait slammed closed, James grabbed Remus and playfully punched him. "I got your back too, mate. Now go upstairs and make a decision."